Kinda Lost - Discovered our shared fantasy was actually part of his past

[Reg]

I have been with my husband for five years now. I would say last summer we began having fantasies in bed in which we were having threesomes, watching porn and imagining ourselves involved. This type of fantasy was new to me then but wasn't to him up until that time he hadn't told me that the only serious relationships he had with previous women were swinger relationships. I asked him why he hadn't told me and he said he was afraid I wouldn't have wanted to be with him. Also he states that he was trying to get away from the lifestyle as the last few relationships had ended due to the women cheating on the side.

I don't mind the fantasies in bed but don't know if I can enjoy them outside my own world. I have never been able to orgasmically enjoy one night stands and I wouldn't want to get close to another male/female/couple due to strings and drama.

Also the dishonesty or how hubby likes to put it "it wasn't a lie I just didn't tell you" is also a concern for me on a already confusing topic. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated and ask me any questions you feel would help you to understand me to help me.

Thanks to all!

[LFM2]

Hi Reg and thanks for posting. You do sound confused and I don't blame you.

Boy, relationships can be confusing sometimes, can't they? We all have fantasies. We also watch things that really seem like they would be fun in our fantasies, yet... really, they are better left to fantasy. Kind of like swinging... you have to have the right mind-set to want to try that. If you're uncomfortable with one-night stands, you're probably best leaving it that way. Swinging doesn't necessarily mean it has to be a one nighter, but trouble can arise if love and sex can't be separated. Seriously Reg, swinging isn't for everyone and that is OK. I'm not cut out for skydiving, either. I'd love to be able to fly like a superhero, but I'm scared of heights and just keep that a fantasy. Hell, I can't even stand the thought of swimming in the ocean. Seriously. I love swimming, I love wading in the ocean, but the ocean scares the hell outta me. It's big and it has sharks.

One of the big problems I'm seeing, however, is communication, or the lack of communication I should say in your marriage. There can't be any hiding things because he doesn't think you can't handle it. I think it's called lying by omission. There has to be many things in a marriage to successfully swing with a spouse. The greatest one is Love, communication, respect, absolute trust, truthfulness, and more communication. You have to be able to talk about everything. When I say everything, I really do mean everything.

It's OK that you don't want to try this. One of the best things about swinging is that "no" really does mean "NO". Have you relayed your thoughts and feelings to your husband? That could open up some doors for better communication between you two. These are just a few of my thoughts regarding swinging. Not really an end all be all. Just a few thoughts.

Good luck.

[If_You_Please]

Originally Posted by LFM2

One of the big problems I'm seeing, however, is communication, or the lack of communication I should say in your marriage. There can't be any hiding things because he doesn't think you can't handle it. I think it's called lying by omission. There has to be many things in a marriage to successfully swing with a spouse. The greatest one is Love, communication, respect, absolute trust, truthfulness, and more communication. You have to be able to talk about everything. When I say everything, I really do mean everything.

Reg, I would echo this sentiment to you. Communication is paramount. I do sympathize with your husband though. He did lie to you by not telling you about his past (which is inexcusable), but what I think is important is that he chose not to live that lifestyle when he chose to marry you and, fearing that his past (which is now just that) would endanger the love you share, chose not to mention it. It's an "ends justify the means" argument, but those hold true in a lot of cases.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by Reg

I have been with my husband for five years now. I would say last summer we began having fantasies in bed in which we were having threesomes, watching porn and imagining ourselves involved. This type of fantasy was new to me then but wasn't to him up until that time he hadn't told me that the only serious relationships he had with previous women were swinger relationships. I asked him why he hadn't told me and he said he was afraid I wouldn't have wanted to be with him. Also he states that he was trying to get away from the lifestyle as the last few relationships had ended due to the women cheating on the side.

I don't mind the fantasies in bed but don't know if I can enjoy them outside my own world. I have never been able to orgasmically enjoy one night stands and I wouldn't want to get close to another male/female/couple due to strings and drama.

Also the dishonesty or how hubby likes to put it "it wasn't a lie I just didn't tell you" is also a concern for me on a already confusing topic. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated and ask me any questions you feel would help you to understand me to help me.

Thanks to all!

First off, Welcome to the board.

And I am pretty sure that after reading this its going to be a short time you are here, As you head off to do what I personally counsel every paerson to do, TALK TO HIM

Please dont take this the wrong way, But your husband of 5 years has finally opened up to you about his past, and if i read your post correctly, You are freaked out, when you havent said he is requesting that you join him in this lifestyle. Rather, your post says he has pretty much said it ruined every relationship by playing.. Not always the case but ok..

Your postion on this is clear, and believe it or not, there are people that really never despite thier fantasies, act on them. Sometimes, its best left a state of mind, which is fine, sharing them with your husband is FANTASTIC, some women never share that intimacy with thier spouse.

I do however need to correct you on the train of thought that led to your position, Not every encounter within the lifestyle is a one night stand. And people form great friendships and share great times.. Not everyone has drama, Not exactly sure what strings you are referring to.. and what inclinations they carry. The only "strings" we have encountered within this adventure were the ones that held unique lingerie together.. but thats another story

Seriously, talk to your husband and be sure what he is asking for, if at all..

[truckerbuddy]

I was going to stay out of this one.. but the more I think about it, the more I wanted to say some thing..

It may have taken 5 years to open up about this.. but he did. and that's a great thing..
A 100% open and honest communication in a marriage is the best thing you could ask for. don't look at this as a bad thing, but as a good one, you now have the chance to open the door and let the communications began.

OH YA ... welcome to the board. you mite find this nuts.. but there are a lot of thing in/on the board that can help people in life, not just as swingers, but in life as well..

I for one hope to see you post more

[LOL_OMG]

I agree with Trucker on this one. There are as many good things in his telling you as the bad in keeping it to himself. I must put a big 'unless the only reason he told you' is to get 'you' into the lifestyle. In that case you guys need to back up and regroup as a couple.

If all ends up well in your world I would suggest doing what we did early on. Go to a few clubs, play with each other, observe, and see if the lifestyle is really for you.

Guess that's it and, Welcome

Mr.

[truckerbuddy]

I just hope we will see/hear from them some more, they sound like good ppl

[sweet_tna]

First of all, I think you definitely came to the right place with these concerns. While I think your hubby should have told you these things from the get-go, I can also understand why he might have kept quiet if he feels that swinging may have ruined his previous relationships.

To that, I have to say that swinging in and of itself does not destroy a relationship. Swinging merely amplifies the strength or weakness of a relationship.

Another important thing to realize about swinging is that communication is EVERYTHING. If you aren't able to talk with your spouse about everything and anything, then you are going to have problems. Your husband has opened lines of communication, which is a great thing, if you can keep those lines open (whether or not you ever take a step into the lifestyle).

Fantasies can be wonderful things, but that doesn't mean they have to become real. So relax and enjoy the ones you're having without feeling pressured to do anything about them.

Best of luck to ya'll, whatever path you choose.

=)

[Chitowndk4u]

Welcome to the board!!!!!

I would echo everything everyone else has said on this board. Having open lines of communication is a wonderful thing.

I think that people misunderstood the husband's point of view though. From what I read, it wasn't swinging that ruined the relationships, it was the women cheating on the side that did it.

The question is, what is YOUR position on this subject? Is the lifestyle something that you are interested in getting into or is it still just a fantasy?

The strings thing isn't really a problem as I have found swingers some of the best people to talk to. Most of them are deeply in love with their spouses and would do anything for them, yet they enjoy their individual sexualities together which is an awesome thing.

I wish I had that level of trust in my marriage, I mean I do, but my wife is a different issue.

So just talk to him and share your thoughts with him as you did here.

[tiger4play]

It sounds to me like you are hurt mostly because of what your husband neglected to tell you. But try and look at it this way, he wanted to get away from the lifestyle because of the pain it caused him. I can understand him not telling you. Most people try to shut away things that cause them pain. And, I agree that since he has chosen to talk about it now.... talk to him. Communication is what makes a relationship work.

Remember, he loves you.... and he needs you to forgive him. I think for both of your sanities, you might want to do this first. It will help him feel like he isn't the "bad guy" and he would probably be more inclines to talk with you.

Definitely let him know you are uncomfortable about making the fantasies a reality. No one should ever be pushed into the lifestyle. You are one half of the couple and your feelings count as much as his.

You should try and focus on one thing at a time. Try not to move too quickly.... and listen to each other. Try to see things from all points of view on this one.... it's a big step and you both want to be sure of what your choices will mean to your life.

Hope this helps....

[slevin]

Maybe I am just odd, but I don't see the issue here. Yes you've been married for 5 years, but it's not as if he has been sneaking around behind your back doing something. He had something he had participated in prior to knowing you and it took him a long time to work through that within himself and he has just decided to open up to you about it. I see that as a sign of his trust and love for you rather than some issue within your relationship. It is a great thing and a great opportunity for you both to get even closer. Reacting in a negative way is just going to reinforce to him that he should have kept it to himself. Encourage him to share things with you and talk openly about it with him! He is opening up here and based on how you put it, it doesn't sound like he is trying to suggest that you two start swinging so talk with him and be positive about the communication!

[Reg]

Thank you all for your fantastic advice. In my mind I wish he would have told me but yet in reality I know it wouldn't have made any difference the chemistry we share is to strong he could have told me he was secretly an alien and I still would have feel into his arms and gladly painted myself green! lol

I find the lifestyle very interesting but I also know I don't want to get to know someone sexually as well as I know my husband and therefore it wouldn't be as satisfying to me because for me to be sexually satisfied my mate has to know me and me them. I've always wished I could be one of those lucky women to orgasm with someone I am not emotionally attached with but after so many tries and so many non-orgasmic experiences I know my body well enough I don't want to disappoint my girl anymore! lol

We have been talking a lot more and I am sure we will eventually figure it all out which is fun all in itself! lol

Thanks to all!

[bbarnsworth]

Reg, keep in mind that in swinging it's not necessarily that you are focusing solely on your play partner and that partner on you. It's not necessarily one-on-one. Foursome situations for example can and often do have people playing in one form or another with two people at once, and all sorts of other combinations.

Maybe you can't/don't/won't orgasm with anyone other than your husband. That's fine. Really But the stimuli of the situation and playing can still give you mind blowing orgasms with your husband.

Not trying to pressure you into anything; just offering a different view to consider.

[LFM2]

Reg, I'm so glad you came back and gave us an update!!

Please remember that we're here anytime you have questions or comments.

[sweet_tna]

Thanks for the update, Reg. You really seem to have a good sense of who you are and what you want. That's a beautiful thing.

=)