Are these just fantasies she doesn't want to act on?

[doubledupbuxom]

Let me start with some background info. My wife is 5'2 huge tits (40F cup) with big beautiful eyes and thick sexy lips. She has a curvy pornstar look to her. Years ago we were living together and she wanted to see "what else was out there". She cut her hair short and broke up with me though we still lived together. She dressed sexy/slutty and would meet guys from bars, clubs, partys, and the internet. At first this pissed me off and I hit a low point. Then I was totally turned on by this. With me she was very vanilla and now she was coming home drunk with messed up hair and makeup in miniskirts, heels, thigh highs, tube tops, halter tops, and her bra in her purse. I grew a fantasy of watching her with others especially since she told me in brutal detail her romps once we got back together (like her best sex ever with this endowed weight lifter; did it standing up, etc)

When we got back together she was how she was before with me very vanilla. I told her I wanted to watch her with another guy or try a MFM. Her response was she sewed her oats already and that was behind her. Shes more religious and says she just wants to be with me in bed. This conversation came up with the same answer for a few years. However recently she's been having these dreams of being with other men frequently the past couple months. She goes into detail and when I questioned if she wanted that she says while she does enjoy them they are just dreams. Also she's begun to write a kind of memoir of her sexual exploits in the past.

I am at a loss. I don't know what to make of this. I know if I ask her I'll get the same answers. Are these just fantasies she doesn't want to act on? Are these signs or hints? If so what should I do? Any idea what these recent fantasys and sexual memoir might mean?

Advice? Recommedations?

[lizandtom]

While you were first dating years back, did she ever approach the subject of you two swinging together or experimenting sexually with others?

My guess is that she probably felt you were the jealous type that wouldn't be able to handle the sexual 'awareness' that she felt she needed to go through at that time, so chose to break it off instead.

Now that her fantasies have been played out, my guess is that she wishes to avoid any drama that may unfold if you two start to encounter others for sex, namely the chance that you may not be able to handle it, so the easier route is to just forget it all.

Unfortunately, the train left the station years ago, you weren't onboard, and now that it's returned you're ready for it to leave again but she says she's not.

You may want to explain to her that you now are interested in sexually exploring with others as a couple, but don't stress the point of wanting to watch her do her thing with others.

Interested to hear how this unfolds.

[JustAskJulie]

You said she's shared in explicit detail her sexcapades of those years, but have the two of you ever really sat down and talked about what was going on with her at that time, how she was feeling, what she was needing, what she was missing, and what brought her back to you in the end? Have you told her how you were feeling at the time, both emotionally and also the desires/ fantasies you had even at that time?

We can't tell you the answer, because unfortunately only she knows the answer... all we can do is help guide you to talk to her more and communicate in different ways in hopes that you can eventually get the answer.

[If_You_Please]

Man, I think communication and honesty are key here.

When I say honesty, I mean that first you need to be honest with yourself about what turns you on about it and discuss that with her. Ask her to do the same. You guys may be able to find some middle ground where everyone can benefit from any future sexual escapades together. Remember, this is a journey for sexual harmony, personally and socially. Approach it like that and you may find some success.

Just my 2 cents.

[doubledupbuxom]

First let me say thanks for the replies and support. It helps a lot. So we talked...

In short we talked about her sexcapades and her motivation (personally and sexually). The answer was anything but me. Each guy was different type and she tried new things with them. Two she also thought could turn into a serious relationship at some point.

We talked about some of the things she did with them she liked and some of the things with me she liked. I found out that had she been interested there were some points where her exs contacted her to meet after we got back together.

I then broke into the fantasy dept. I told her I want us to explore sexually with her. It got a chuckle because of the vague segue and she probably knew where I was going. I asked her needs and she had 1 thing in mind I'll be doing. When it came to having another guy join she said no but laughed. This time I asked her why not and she said she just wanted to be with me. When I pried further she said she's concerned that it may be some thing gay or me doing something gay or bi (which I really wouldn't). I just assured her that I enjoy seeing her orgasm and this is just another means to it. She thought it was weird that I had the fantasy but I ended by saying its a turn on for me and I was just putting it on the table.

Personally I think it is something she'd do down the road but just needs to come to terms with it. At this point I don't know where I should take it. I don't want to harp on it but I don't want to let it go either. What are your thoughts? Impressions? Was anyone else in a similar situation and if so what happened?

[fun4Ds]

Have you thought about being a third person in another couples MFM experiance ?

What about your needs ?

Can that be talked about as well, between the two of you ?

[doubledupbuxom]

we've discussed a while back because when i first mentioned it she thought i was interested in bringing another woman which she flat out said would be offlimits for her and me.

I am more interested in having another guy join in pleasing her and I think if that door ever opened she'd like it too from time to time.

I'm guessing perhaps that's not too common with couples who swing?

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by doubledupbuxom

Personally I think it is something she'd do down the road but just needs to come to terms with it. At this point I don't know where I should take it. I don't want to harp on it but I don't want to let it go either. What are your thoughts? Impressions? Was anyone else in a similar situation and if so what happened?

It's great you talked it out and put some of her fears to rest.

Some (many?) women (my wife included) have a very hard time wrapping their heads around the idea that a man could seriously enjoy watching his wife have sex with someone else. Before we actually did this, I was pretty certain I'd enjoy it. She was nervous a bit. Now that it's happened several times, I can say with absolute certainty that I very much enjoy watching her having sex with someone else. She accepts this idea now, but still has a hard time understanding it. Your wife is not alone in thinking this way.

It's also understandable about her concerns about M/M contact. Some women just don't want to see that. There's nothing wrong with that, and it's certainly not a requirement in MFM play. Far from it, rather the opposite I've been very determined to avoid incidental contact in MFMs and MFMFs.

As to where to go from here; relax. There's no time limit. Let your wife think things over. You don't have to let it go, just give her time to take it at her pace. If she feels rushed, you're not going to make headway.

[If_You_Please]

Originally Posted by doubledupbuxom

Personally I think it is something she'd do down the road but just needs to come to terms with it. At this point I don't know where I should take it. I don't want to harp on it but I don't want to let it go either. What are your thoughts? Impressions? Was anyone else in a similar situation and if so what happened?

I'm really happy for you that you guys talked this through. Now, the door is open and there's no telling what will come through with time. Just remember not to try to push anything through - it has a flow all it's own. The biggest responsibility now is just ensuring it stays open...it's far too easy for us, as people, to shut out things we fear or don't understand. Congratulations for taking a step in the right direction!

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by doubledupbuxom

we've discussed a while back because when i first mentioned it she thought i was interested in bringing another woman which she flat out said would be offlimits for her and me.

Thats cool, this lifestyle really is about finding what we enjoy as a couple as well as ourselves as individuals.

I am more interested in having another guy join in pleasing her and I think if that door ever opened she'd like it too from time to time.

Well I can say, Mrs fun and I do enjoy many aspects together.

I'm guessing perhaps that's not too common with couples who swing

I think its very common. We found with the few (good) single men we know now, who understand and enjoy sharing our pleasure to be extrordanary....

[Additude]

I think your wife has the potential to fulfill your fantasies, but understand that her previous sexual explorations did not involve you or swinging. Although sexual in nature and obviously intoxicating to yourself, they did not include you. You included you by allowing her at that time to come and go from your place of residence at her will.

Finding out why you and why she allowed this type of relationship to continue at that time may hold some clues.

Never the less, at this point I think your approach to your current request needs a different tact. From what I've heard you say, except in one instance, your thoughts and questions have been primarily focused on why she doesn't want to involve a 3rd party into your and hers sexual relationship.

I think you need to be asking her why she doesn't want to have a "swinging" relationship with you, personally. I don't buy the notion; "There's a potential exposure that you may have a bi experience". Did she get burned in her past by someone she was deeply in love with who turned out to be gay and broke up with her then ran off with another man? After that, have you told her you have bi tendancies? Does she have a misconception of what MFM is? What swinging is?

I think theres more to it than she says and you need to find out what it is to resolve the indifference between you both over this subject.

Look for ways to find out why she does not want to do this "With You" and you will find your answers and a path to resolving the issue, one way or the other.

[doubledupbuxom]

Originally Posted by Additude

I think your wife has the potential to fulfill your fantasies, but understand that her previous sexual explorations did not involve you or swinging. Although sexual in nature and obviously intoxicating to yourself, they did not include you. You included you by allowing her at that time to come and go from your place of residence at her will.

Finding out why you and why she allowed this type of relationship to continue at that time may hold some clues.

Never the less, at this point I think your approach to your current request needs a different tact. From what I've heard you say, except in one instance, your thoughts and questions have been primarily focused on why she doesn't want to involve a 3rd party into your and hers sexual relationship.

I think you need to be asking her why she doesn't want to have a "swinging" relationship with you, personally. I don't buy the notion; "There's a potential exposure that you may have a bi experience". Did she get burned in her past by someone she was deeply in love with who turned out to be gay and broke up with her then ran off with another man? After that, have you told her you have bi tendancies? Does she have a misconception of what MFM is? What swinging is?

I think theres more to it than she says and you need to find out what it is to resolve the indifference between you both over this subject.

Look for ways to find out why she does not want to do this "With You" and you will find your answers and a path to resolving the issue, one way or the other.

First let me thank all of you for the comments. I appreciate the good insight, advice, and support. Much needed for a newbie like me.

Replying to the last post.

First I think the arrangement we had was partly because it came out of the blue with her. At the same time there was a kind of an understanding. I was with a few other girls before her but I was her first. All her pursuits seemed purely sexual and I think it was a hang up she had. We did break up but it was a living arrangement. More over both of us have a great connection and I think I figured I'd let her play it out until she got it out of her system. Granted at the time I wasn't turned on by her with others either. Wasn't until somewhere midway through the break.

There was no reason for that bi experience comment and when she said it it sounded like an excuse. One thing I know is she felt she can be sexually exploitative more so with others.

Example is at one point a while back she told me she needs some connection in sex when she was talking with "me". When she told me her of some of her exploits she said she met a guy online with the single intent of sex. When it was the end of the night he asked if she wanted to be driven home and she said specifically no that she wanted to go to his place, park, or motel.

I will start posing questions of why she doesn't want to "with me". I do think that is key and I wouldn't have thought of it that way so I really appreciate you pointing that out.

[Additude]

Thanks for that feedback.

Later in the day, after I'd posted I started considering that maybe you might feel my "Find out why she doesn't want to do it with you" comment might be taken incorrectly, such as you personally had a problem she didn't want to deal with, when my meaning was that there may be something completely legitimate bothering her that you don't know about. It could be something as extreme as a childhood experience and she was molested by two males, or something as benign as she is concerned it will lead to couple swapping and she is concerned you might "run off" with the other woman.

I think you have to "dig in" and find out what her psyche thinks about it.

[doubledupbuxom]

I called her out on it. Yesterday at the end of dinner she mentioned about the 3some and I swept in with same question expecting the same answer. I switched the questioning on her. When she brought up the gay thing I asked her why she thought that and she had no answer and seemed shocked I questioned it. Then I turned it around asking why she wouldn't do it and she was stumped.

So today she revealed to me that she still likes another guy she was with in the past. Not as a relationship but a general attraction. This really opened up doors to "her" in conversation. She was very concerned this would upset me. I told her I appreciated her honesty and said it just makes me more trusting that there are no secrets between us.
I told her that her honesty was a turn on as well as her openness in sexuality (fantasizing others and willing to talk about it). She said the idea of the other guy was probably a turn on too. I said it is and if she wanted i'd be open for it. No comment from her but I thought we made a lot of good headway so there didn't have to be.

Slowly but surely she's moving towards what I think we both want at this point.

[Chitowndk4u]

Originally Posted by If_You_Please

I'm really happy for you that you guys talked this through. Now, the door is open and there's no telling what will come through with time. Just remember not to try to push anything through - it has a flow all it's own. The biggest responsibility now is just ensuring it stays open...it's far too easy for us, as people, to shut out things we fear or don't understand. Congratulations for taking a step in the right direction!

This is what happened to me.

The doors were opened and then shut after our first experience. So closed that we can't even talk about that night.

Can't even re-live the fantasy.