First Encounter with someone from her past?

[luvingcpl4more]

Hi all,
This is our first post and question so first I will give some background on us. We have been married for 9 years now and almost a year ago we started talking about swinging. Both of us are very excited about the idea and both agree that we want to try.
I travel a lot for work and have been gone for almost a year now and during my break over this past year we did have an encounter set up that the gentlemen backed out of (for whatever reason). We met with our first couple with no intentions of anything sexual it was just a meeting at a sports bar and we all four had a great night and in the end went our separate ways. We still do talk but again with me gone nothing has happened yet with them.
Both of us are wanting our first encounter to actually be with just another guy. I personally want the attention on my wife and not have her worry about what I am doing. I simply want her to enjoy herself like we have discussed on numerous occasions.
Recently I have thought about who the lucky man should be and fate or not someone from her past (not and ex) has gotten into contact with us through one of the social sites (FB AND MS). We have talked about this and I have found that their past was just friends and nothing more not even very close friends. But one thing I do know is that back then they both were attracted to each other but never acted upon it. Now I trust my wife when she says that we are "stuck together" and I love her more and more for believing in us
that much.
I guess after all of that rambling above my question is has anyone had their first encounter with someone that they both or one of them knew from the past but was not intimate with before. My reasoning for suggesting him is simply that I know from talking to her they both had mentioned that they have in the past wondered what it would of been like (good or bad). Honestly I think one up side is that she would feel more comfortable with him instead of a stranger.
Please any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
LUVING 4 More!

[Additude]

Welcome to the board and I wanted to say great first post.

Now, I'm not going to tell you that our first encounter was with someone either of us knew, but I wanted to give you an insight based on my experiences and what I've seen.

First I will tell you to be cautious with this guy. I say that because I believe one of the most difficult objects to overcome in swinging is to be able to separate "sex" from "emotion of the heart". We swingers call it being able to have "recreational sex".

If your new to the game, that will be one of the hurdles you will need to overcome. There will be others also, including trust, jealousy, envy & control.

I'm gonna tell you that I would not do what your considering on doing. Maybe if you were a "Stay at Home Husband" things would be different, but I think that if your wife has sex with this guy, chances are she will have sex with him also if your not there. It may be with your approval, or it may be without your knowledge. I know you trust your wife, but think about it. Don't be a fool, protect your assets. She is human you know....

I think you need to, for right now anyway, find a different sex partner for your wife. Tell her why and make sure she knows your concerns (if you share my same concerns that is). All is not lost, of course both your wife and yourself would approve of her having sex with this guy, but I don't think either of you are "seasoned" enough to take and keep the "emotion of the heart" out of it and the "recreational sex" into it. That especially applies to your wife because she is the one at home alone...and lonely....

As you said, your wife and this guy were attracted to each other before....emotional attraction, sexual attraction?? What?

If you two had been swinging for a year or two and had time to gauge each other and experience your marriage in the lifestyle, you'd know exactly what your answer would be, one way or the other.

I'm saying you should be at that point first before taking on this situation.

[luvingcpl4more]

Thank you so much attitude! That is some really great advice. I know it doesn't make a difference but I did forget to mention that for the next two years I will be at home. My travel time is complete and I nor the wife want me traveling anymore for a long time.
I know that does not mean that it would be an excuse for asking him.
To answer your question about what kind of attraction. she says it was strictly physical and they had nothing really in common except for mutual friends.
Thank you so much for your advice!! Again I just want her to feel comfortable, she has not said that he has to be the one it was more a thought that I had to ease the comfort for her.
On another note. Your reply is why this board is amazing. Thank you for your help!

[fun4Ds]

Welcome to the Swingers Board, luvingcpl4more

You have explained this situation quite well. We can't tell you not to, but we can say we wouldn't.... at least not at this point.

Face Book and My Space are great ways to find new and old aquaintences alike. But they aren't exactly focused around the "Lifestyle" That in itself, lends you to do all the explaining about how you feel.

Do you honestly believe he understands how we feel as couples ?

[luvingcpl4more]

funD's,
You are quite right we have no idea how he feels or if he knows how we feel as couples. Our only real reason (even though it may not be a good one) for considering asking him is because of the flirting he does with her.
The more we think about it the more it doesn't seem like the best decision right now. Maybe later on down the road it may appear again but if not nothing is lost.
Again thank you both so much!

[The Fuse]

fun4Ds makes an important point. In general, people who are not "in the lifestyle" don't really have the same mindset. They can be apt to think what they are doing is an affair rather than being a third helping a couple make a fantasy come true.

Only you can assess whether your potential third understands the score and is comfortable about it. If you decide to go ahead, then making sure he does understand (nicely of course) is important. In general the rule of thumb is to stay away from people who haven't found the lifestyle by themselves, but that advice isn't always necessary to follow. Sometimes it works out. Again, you know the guy in question, and we don't. Sounds like you and your wife are thoughtful people, so if you use your judgment, you should come up with the best answer. If it's not this guy, there will be others.

[DigginIt]

I think everyone has mentioned some great points. I would also like to bring up the anxiety issues that not only you and your wife will face but also the person you are considering. While my wife and I were lucky that we had a really good time with our first MFM experience, it was not what we expected.

I would suggest finding someone with experience or go into it with the attitude that it's going to be quite possibly awkward and one or all of you may experience performance issues with an audience. Try not to put too high of an expectation on how it will unfold and just remember you are both new and you are there to have fun TOGETHER!

Take that from someone who was in your shoes just last week (considering their first MFM encounter).

Best of luck and we are cheering for you!

-D

[JM153]

I also would recommend someone in the lifestyle with experience. As others have said, you and your wife know this has nothing to do with emotion, an affair, or anything beyond sex, but most guys do not understand this and may find that they fall for your wife. I know our first MFM was better because it was with a guy who understood what an MFM in the lifestyle was all about. You should be able to find a suitable male for an MFM on one of the swinging websites like SwingLifestyle. Good Luck.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

fun4Ds makes an important point. In general, people who are not "in the lifestyle" don't really have the same mindset. They can be apt to think what they are doing is an affair rather than being a third helping a couple make a fantasy come true.

One other reason I would avoid this, that I didn't see mentioned. Single guys who are not in the lifestyle are a lot more likely to be indiscreet. You said she knew him in her past, who else from her past does he know? That he might tell about this, and is that a risk you are willing to take.


I'm glad you decided to wait until your traveling was done to give this a try, but I am with others in suggesting that at least for your first time, until you get past all the initial questions that will come up and know that you can both handle separating sex and emotions, it's best to make sure that the third person already has their shit together in that dept.

[If_You_Please]

I put a lot of emphasis on comfort regarding sexual encounters. Everyone involved has to be very comfortable with what's going on or else it will be a bad experience for some or all involved. The fact that you're apprehensive about this in the first place says a lot. I think your heart is in the right place and you guys will find the right person to experiment with. Be diligent and picky!! You'll be happier for it when all is said and done.

[Trace Ekies]

It's like football in the U.S. versus the rest of the world. It's referred to by the same name but the rules are quite different. The goal is to get the ball in your opponents end zone (this is not an anal reference ) but how you go about it is very different.

This situation has the same ring to it. You're contemplating playing a game with someone who understands the rules of the game from his perspective and not necessarily from yours. This may not be bad but it is a gamble nonetheless.

Like those before me, I suggest some experience with those that are predisposed to understand the nuances of our game first and then, when YOUR understanding of what we do and why is broader and more complete the possibility of an encounter with the "blast from the past".

We had a dear friend who was initially appalled by our admission that we swing. In fact, she exclaimed, "You're one of THOSE people?". In a few days she got her head around it but quickly informed me that the next time she stayed at our house she would insist on whatever room she stayed in have a lock on the door. I feel certain that she was serious when she made that statement but has realized that it isn't necessary now. It seems to me that she understands HER version of football but our way of playing is beyond her ability to comprehend due, at least in part, to a lack of experience.

In the end, some experience on your part will go along way when explaining what you do and why to potential partners. If they're swingers they'll already understand, but if not, you'll have some tools to help them understand what and why. With the friend I mention above all she wanted to know was, "Why?". My answer is a simple, "Because it's fun". Somehow that answered what she needed answered and now she's brokering a deal between us and a former co-worker and his wife for a stay in Vegas.

Without the experience with other like-minded people I may have made a serious tactical error and lost a friend. Probably not actually, but not worth the risk.

Welcome and the best of luck.

Trace

[joaninla]

My two cents. Our first MFM was with an ex boyfriend of mine, and that made it soooo much easier for me to relax and enjoy the experience. If there are no emotional tugs anywhere, from my experience, someone you know, enjoy and respect make for a much easier first time.

[luvingcpl4more]

Thank you all!!!!!!!
Wanted to say that first. We have talked about it and have decided that we will go with someone who has some experience first. After our first we will sit down and talk about it and go from there. We are both very excited and only want the best to come of this entire life change. Thanks again for everything. We will definitely update after we have some fun!
Thank you all again!!!!

[slevin]

Originally Posted by luvingcpl4more

Thank you all!!!!!!!
Wanted to say that first. We have talked about it and have decided that we will go with someone who has some experience first. After our first we will sit down and talk about it and go from there. We are both very excited and only want the best to come of this entire life change. Thanks again for everything. We will definitely update after we have some fun!
Thank you all again!!!!

Awesome! Thanks for popping back by this thread to let us know what came of your discussions. Good luck with your first time and I hope it turns out even better than you're hoping it will