Ladies, what was your 'pre-swinging' mindset

[DaBo]

I was going to start a thread and found the 'guidance/direction' post from wpcplindy, and wanted to expand that for a more personal answer.

A little background in a nutshell: both in mid/late 30's, married 12 yrs, together almost 18. Trust is not an issue with either, both very sexual, her a little more reserved.

I've mentioned the idea of adding someone occasionally, she says the idea is 'interesting, but she'd never do it.' I respect that answer, and I know it will ultimately be her decision. I don't push, but will always remind her that she has that option.

What I'd like from the group, particularly the ladies, is their 'pre-swinging' mindset and what finally got them to step over that boundry. I intend to let my lady read these so she understands she's not the only one who has had issues taking that step, and that if she still doesn't have an interest, that I accept that decision. This isn't something I have to do, just think it would be a fun addition to our already fantastic life together.

[screaminggood]

My primary concern was that it would hurt our marriage! Now I think he loves me more for taking him on this adventurous voyage.

We started with bi-fem encounters for me with the husbands watching. It slowly evolved from there. Since I had the bi-curiosity, it was a safe place for us to start, as I wasn't concerned about him not liking it! The first few times I was with another man, I continually looked over at my husband to ensure he was okay with it--my concern was always for him.

[JustAskJulie]

Have you asked her "WHY she would never do it?" The answer to that question is the real key to knowing whether or not she ever would and/or what it would take to get the conversation moving to the next step. You can't overcome objections, if you don't really know what they are.

[Trellken]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Have you asked her "WHY she would never do it?" The answer to that question is the real key to knowing whether or not she ever would and/or what it would take to get the conversation moving to the next step. You can't overcome objections, if you don't really know what they are.

It hasn't taken long to realize that you give very intelligent and well reasoned answers Julie.

In much the same way that you need to get in touch with how you feel about a new situation - not just how you feel but why you feel that way - you need to consider the same with respect to your wife's feelings. Knowing that a feeling is there is the first step towards a deeper understanding of ourselves and our mates. Knowing the source of that feeling and being aware of why we and our partners feel that way is the far more difficult thing to grasp and requires a lot of open communication, respect and understanding.

This is something I've been working on a lot lately with respect to my own feelings and it took a similar comment to the one given by Julie for me to realize that I needed to start trying to understand why I felt a certain way. It's an important realization not just for swinging, but for life in general.

[The Fuse]

Yes, Julie is right. Please don't push your wife, but it could be instructive to know what her objections are. You would have to be careful to let her know you are not asking in order to try to convince her, just to get more insight into her feelings.

As far as my pre-swinging mindset, I think the single most important difference is that I realized that having sex with other people as a purely fun thing to do would pose no threat to our marriage. It would just be fun and wouldn't mean that we'd become less close to each other, and it wouldn't mean we'd bond with someone else (which would be the implied threat).

[Griffs]

It's hard for me to refer to a pre-swinging mindset because I am mostly still in the pre-stage. Only last week I started talking a lot more openly about the possibility of doing some real swinging. So far, the furthest we've gotten is girls playing, guys watching. We've also watched many, many hours of porn together while masturbating. Even this last thing, porn, was a serious challenge to me, first of all to admit that I craved to watch it, and secondly to not feel jealous toward it, the same way I would in real life with a partner swap. My main fear is that I will become offended and will not be able to forgive my husband. This would have a terrible effect on our sex life. But last week after the conversations (which went on for several hours) we were both so turned on. Today we got an email from the message board and I could see that my hubby was looking for a taste of that life again today. So we checked out some posts and got turned on again looking at the questions and answers that this life poses. I do not feel that I am ready to go beyond the girls playing but it must at least be a baby step that I enjoy talking about and watching multi-partner sex. Heck, I better post this now so I can enjoy how turned on these forbidden things make me.

[Elena]

Ours started with the usual dirty talk when we were having sex and I found that it REALLY turned me on. We have always been very open and honest with each other. One day, while not in bed, we were talking about sex and the possibility of adding another person into the mix. I honestly wasn't worried about what it would do to our marriage and I don't think Hammerhead was either. We knew that we were very solid on that front. I just had to get over the fact that society doesn't deem it "normal" in a marriage. Luckily, I knew a couple that were swingers and our first foray into this was a MMF threesome with the guy. It was AWESOME! We talked about it the next morning and I realized that it didn't bother me like I thought it would. After that, we were hooked. We both know that this is something we like to do, and that it is ONLY sex. We have a great time but it in NO was interferes with our marriage.

[SheLovesTheSun]

I'm still in my pre-swing mindset, but we use dirty talk; fanastizing a scenario, such as having 3-some. Some of it works for me, some of it doesn't. But we're learning as we go along!

[deanncat]

it always amazes me when I go on this site, how much, this stuff is what I'm think are have thought about sence my husband and I have talked about swinging. when it first game up I was like people do that i had no idea, I don't think I could do that, thats cheating, not natual all of the above, never say never finally had are first expercience this weekend, it may of took me 3years of talking joking and having fantasy about and I think my husband thought I would never go there, he laugh and says I have graduated and not a tease from a tease, loved it great exerience for both of us, probably will do it again, and I just said probably last weekend to myself when we were fantasizing about it, I will never do it for real just don't think I can, I fooled myself, and no regrets,