Looking for guidance and direction from others

[wpcplindy]

I have been talking with the wife about swinging and a MFM on and off for about 7 years and have had a little headway in getting her to consider a bit of swinging or a MFM.
We are a mid 30s professional couple,and this is our second marriage for both of us. We have been together about 8 years and I expressed to her when we while we were dating that I had done a bit of swinging in the past, and how exciting I thought it was, to watch and be watched as well as a bit of sharing. She was very curious about it and questioned me about it. She said that one of her fantasy's was to take part in an orgy and even said that she had been at a party and stumbled upon several couples partaking in just that, but she just stood and watched but allowed one guy to slip his hands in her pants while watching the activities,and bring her to several orgasms, but she did not go any further than that, ( I have my doubts on that statement )

I have over the last 4 years teased her about doing a MFM and she plays along with the conversation but always ends it by that she could never do that, that I am all she wants and why would I want to watch some one else fuck her.
So I told her it was just a hot fantasy of mine and expressed how it would not be cheating etc. and then just left the topic open and over the last few years would express my fantasy when I could without being pushy.

She has a very high sex drive and masturbates often and some days when I come home she will express to me that she masturbated so much and had cum so many times that her muscles are sore.
Even after we fuck and I fill her up she is still hot for more cock, I tease her often about wanting to bring in a extra male to assist me. She even jokes about the need to have her serviced more.
She has told me about her past partners after she was divorced and how many she has had, how big there cocks were etc. She has also admitted that while she was single and dating she had a fuck buddy that she would hook up at least once a week while she was dating other guys. But of course she didn't when her and I started dating so she has said.

Now over the last few years she and I have taken vacations to nude resorts, as well as a couple of vacations to a swingers resort in Mexico. So she has no problem undressing and walking around naked, or having sex on the beach with other couples right next to us watching.
But have yet to get her to admit or her to even express interest in a threesome or swinging other than the teasing conversation we have. "She says that she only wants my cock" but then leaves the conversation with a glimmer of hope at times by her comment about she couldn't do it with anyone of my friends or anyone in our town.

I am looking to get as may ideas as to how I might overcome this and expand on the conversation during the times it is brought up during our teasing conversations.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by wpcplindy

I have been talking with the wife about swinging and a MFM on and off for about 7 years and have had a little headway in getting her to consider a bit of swinging or a MFM.

Reading/responding this in real-time stream of conscious mode. I have only read the above so far, and I have to say...if after 7 years, she's not budged I would say it isn't going to happen. That's no crime or anything.

Originally Posted by wpcplindy

( I have my doubts on that statement )

Either you trust her or you do not. It's important to trust in swinging, and trust implicitly.

Originally Posted by wpcplindy

I have over the last 4 years teased her about doing a MFM and she plays along with the conversation but always ends it by that she could never do that, that I am all she wants and why would I want to watch some one else fuck her.

My wife had a difficult time wrapping her head around the idea that I would enjoy watching her have sex with other men. I just kept answering in earnest how much the thought turned me on (and still does!) and was born out when finally I got to see this. Society doesn't raise us to think of such thoughts, and if we do such thoughts are evil, immoral, etc. It's very hard programming to get past. Very.

Originally Posted by wpcplindy

Even after we fuck and I fill her up she is still hot for more cock, I tease her often about wanting to bring in a extra male to assist me. She even jokes about the need to have her serviced more.
She has told me about her past partners after she was divorced and how many she has had, how big there cocks were etc. She has also admitted that while she was single and dating she had a fuck buddy that she would hook up at least once a week while she was dating other guys.

Past non-married history doesn't a swinger make. There's plenty of things I did when I was single that I would never consider repeating now that I'm married. You've shown that she has a high sex drive. This is not a key ingredient for swingers. In fact, I've seen research that suggests your average swinger has an average sex drive.

Originally Posted by wpcplindy

But of course she didn't when her and I started dating so she has said.

Again, either trust or do not trust.

Originally Posted by wpcplindy

But have yet to get her to admit or her to even express interest in a threesome or swinging other than the teasing conversation we have. "She says that she only wants my cock" but then leaves the conversation with a glimmer of hope at times by her comment about she couldn't do it with anyone of my friends or anyone in our town.

For some, the fantasy of swinging is all it will ever be.

Originally Posted by wpcplindy

I am looking to get as may ideas as to how I might overcome this and expand on the conversation during the times it is brought up during our teasing conversations.

I'm not sure you can. You can't convince her of anything. All you can do is support. With my wife, what was the turning point was not a point, but her. I was patient. We talked until our tongues practically fell out. I didn't push. I just waited for her to grow into the idea. You can't push and expect she'll move. You can't overcome anything with her. She has to overcome it, on her own. My wife swings because *she* wants to. She gets pleasure knowing I am pleased she is fucking someone else, but her primary intent is for herself, not me.

That said, if she's willing to have sex with you while other people are watching, etc. you might suggest that you invite a third just for massage, and nothing more. It's a dip-your-toe-in-the-pool sort of thing.

[unusualsuspects]

the big thing for my wife in this regard was her feeling comfortable admitting to me that she was attracted to others. It's not just the cock, remember, it's the looks, the flirtation, the eye contact, the kissing, etc. I made the assumption that I think you are making that it's primarily about the sex.

Don't jump all the way into the deep end. One thing to do, and this might be hard for you at first, is play the "rating game" while out with your spouse and just point at guys to find her "type" and maybe vice versa. Now, I will admit this isn't representative since it's just physical, but it will get her (and you) more tuned to what each other wants plus open a line of communication that's sexy, and involving sexy thoughts into communication should help things along.

Good luck, and welcome to the board!

[The Fuse]

wpcplindy,

bbarnesworth said it very well. If you haven't read some of the threads for new people, I suggest you do so. There are a lot of spouses, mainly husbands, who have questions similar to yours, and have been given some very good advice. You've been a member of this Board for almost a year, so I'll assume you know how to find the threads.

Please post back and let us know if you want help finding them, and also, I'd love to hear what your thoughts are after reading them. Nothing is as good as a response to your very own question, I know. But it will also help to know you are far from alone, and to learn from what others have left behind from their discussions.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by wpcplindy

Now over the last few years she and I have taken vacations to nude resorts, as well as a couple of vacations to a swingers resort in Mexico. So she has no problem undressing and walking around naked, or having sex on the beach with other couples right next to us watching.

Most men would consider themselves lucky to have experienced even that.

But have yet to get her to admit or her to even express interest in a threesome or swinging other than the teasing conversation we have. "She says that she only wants my cock" but then leaves the conversation with a glimmer of hope at times by her comment about she couldn't do it with anyone of my friends or anyone in our town.

I am looking to get as may ideas as to how I might overcome this and expand on the conversation during the times it is brought up during our teasing conversations.

Stop the teasing conversations (I did see the word teased/teasing quite a bit in your post) and have a serious, open, honest conversation. How can anyone take someone seriously when all they do is tease?

If you want to know what your wife's true feelings are then you need to sit down and talk. You have to let her know your true feelings and encourage her to tell you her true feelings. You both have to trust the other enough to believe what you each are saying.

She may not ever want to make your fantasy game a reality, and that's okay, respect that and enjoy your life together....OR...she may come to understand and believe that you want the game to be real and that it's okay if she wants it to be real as well.

Fantasy talk/play is not the same as reality. Some never want to go beyond the fantasy, others take the step to make it reality.

Swinging isn't for everyone and the only way you'll ever know if it's right for you and your wife is to talk to each other, listen to each other and, trust and respect what each other says.


Teresa

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by wpcplindy

I am looking to get as may ideas as to how I might overcome this and expand on the conversation during the times it is brought up during our teasing conversations.

Welcome to the Swingers Board, wpcplindy

Is there a possibility you might introduce Mrs wpcplindy, to some of the discussions here. I know when I told Mrs fun about some of the ideas I agree and even disagree with here (in the beginning here ourselves).

It became many of conversations over breakfast, sometimes dinner, supper, in the car, in the boat,....... Heck, she even busted in on me in the shower one day to tell me of some sexy people she saw in a profile over on Swinglifestyle.com Mrs.funs over there allot

So like I say, bring Mrs wpcplindy to the community here. There are people here who over the years, have helped those who can accept the lifestyle. We do share common interests, sexually, among other things in our own relationships.

And those who can't, won't, and even shouldn't. Find support as well....

[wpcplindy]

Thank you all for the advice and opinions,
I do understand I can't make her or convince her to do anything she doesn't want to do.
I do believe that she has more interest in swinging or just MFM threesomes than she has openly admitted to, I cant explain in words why I have this feeling but by her body language and comments she makes while watching TV or in reading her magazine articles tells me different than what she admits to.
The latest one about made fall out of my chair she said she "would love to lick this girls pussy" Now why that is such a surprise is I have brought up every guys fantasy of a FMF and her in the past and her reply was always "Get that out of your head because that would never happen she would never do a female. Now to have her openly admit it was out right shocking to me.
The vacations that we have taken to the nude resorts were her idea she found them and booked them.
The first vacation we took together I was not aware that it was a nude only,I did know what resort she booked but, no thought ever entered my head about the room being booked to the nude side of resort, She informed me as the bell man was taking us to our room. ( and I loved it)

I know that teasing and fantasy's are just that and it may never go beyond that. I do however believe that by using both the teasing and fantasy's can help without seeming pushy.
I am just looking for all the advice and opinions on how others seemed to get past this, if they did ever get past it.

[screaminggood]

It sounds as if she's leading you at her pace...so let her continue to do that. If she's bringing up licking a pussy, let her know that you'd enjoy watching it (assuming you would) instead of jumping into the idea of a threesome immediately. I know a lot of men here say that they don't enjoy just watching, but it's definitely where my husband and I began and where many others do as well. So if that's a possibility, it could be a good place to go....

[Hedonismo]

It took us a couple of years to finally even start investigating swinging online, and we are very very new still. We went to our first on premise club Aprill 11th, 2009 and we played with another couple there. That's our whole real life experience . I just didn't want you to think I am an expert or anything.. One of the biggest hurdles for me initially was being ok with the idea that my husband wanted to share me. Part of me wanted him to want me all to himself. He was patient and loving and waited until I got my head and my heart wrapped around the idea. Boy I am so glad I got over it!! Being a member here helped me tremendously, I agree that if she is willing, this board has been extremely wonderful for me see if she will spend some time here. I spend many more hours here than my husband. Mrs. H

[farmer3922]

I beleive it is super difficult for A wife to beleive three things. The first is no way the husband will not be jealous. Next woman beleive
another man pleasing her in ways the husband never has, is or should be humiliating. If she does not want the husband to fuck other women how can he ok her to have two men fucking her

[MrkLin]

I'd like to invite you and your wife to read my incredibly long blog post titled How We Got Involved in Swinging <~That's the link.

It's a long post (4 pages) but it may answer a lot of questions for both of you. Our first swinging adventures were MFM threesomes, so I know where you're coming from. Check it out and if you have any questions at all, feel free to post them here or PM me if you'd rather.

[Additude]

This sounds pretty much like the normal course of action with a lot of couples. Very few couples just dive in. Most progress slowly, with the woman being the most hesitant, for a multitude of reasons.

What you didn't say in your post was "Why your wife is being hesitant" at this point. I think you don't know totally how to approach this, because your not sure where to start with her.

I suggest a healthy conversation with your wife over the subject, understand what it is she is feeling, why she is feeling it and what your both going to do about it.

I think your goal is to make her comfortable with your feelings on the subject. I'm sure your wife doesn't want to put her marriage at risk and she is probably more concerned about your actions than her's regarding swinging.

Once you know where "she is coming from" you'll better understand your angle of approach.

[slevin]

I also noticed all the mentions of teasing and it stands out strongly to me as well. I get the impression from all those mentions that perhaps you are hesitant to really put this out there (hesitant about how she will react, the finality of it perhaps). So instead of bringing it up directly, talking openly and expressing your honest desire to actually go through with it you keep teasing her with it during sex and hoping that she will say she wants to go through with it. You are putting this on her shoulders; many women, even ones who actually want to do it, when it's put on their shoulders will do exactly what your wife has done. Get excited about it, seem like she wants it, but will never step up and express her desire to do it. Take control here, tell her you want it, explain to her that you're excited about her exploring her fantasies, about exploring with you, seeing her get so much pleasure etc. Talk openly about it when you're NOT having sex. Allow her to be able to actually go through with it, without feeling like it was all her idea (ie: she is to blame for it, or she is the slut for wanting it etc.).

Now, that very well may be off base too. Could be that she's just not really interested in it at all

[The Fuse]

I too think you and your wife should be able to talk to each other on a sincere, non-teasing level. However, I know that different couples have different ways of communicating. I never could understand how some couples can tolerate the constant bickering, like my parents, and my sister with her husband. But I do have some other friends who just seem to both enjoy poking at each other. Not my thing, but it seems to work for them.

Do you and your wife talk about serious things in a serious way? You'll find over and over again on this board that people say communication is the most important thing, and they are right. I know sometimes it's easier to tease and be teased, but that might be because one or both of you is afraid of what the other might say if the conversation were sincere and earnest. It is much better to proceed in a sincere way, as long as you emphasize to your wife that you would never pressure her to do anything she didn't really want to do -- and you have to mean that, of course. If she knows that whatever she is thinking will be okay with you, she might be willing to open up. If she feels safe and accepted, you will have some really rewarding talks. That includes accepting her craziest fantasies, the ones she's not comfortable with, and it also means accepting her lack of desire to act on them, if that lack of desire exists.

Some other posters to this thread have mentioned that it took years for them to evolve from fantasy to reality. That is always a possibility, one that it is only in your best interest to accept happily. Even if it never becomes a reality, it can be awfully fun to share the fantasy. Good luck.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by screaminggood

It sounds as if she's leading you at her pace...so let her continue to do that. If she's bringing up licking a pussy, let her know that you'd enjoy watching it (assuming you would) instead of jumping into the idea of a threesome immediately. I know a lot of men here say that they don't enjoy just watching, but it's definitely where my husband and I began and where many others do as well. So if that's a possibility, it could be a good place to go....

I have to agree with this.

There was also something in your first post that really stood out to me and bothered me

but allowed one guy to slip his hands in her pants while watching the activities,and bring her to several orgasms, but she did not go any further than that, ( I have my doubts on that statement )

The fact that you doubt her honesty on this statement is an issue. Maybe she did go further, maybe she didn't. But, to swing you both have to be able to trust each other completely. Until you stop doubting what she has told you (and maybe it's because she tells you more) and until she can trust and feel comfortable to tell you everything about how she feels, you won't be able to successfully swing. You don't have the right level of relationship yet.

As others said, have an open an honest conversation with her about swinging OUTSIDE of the bedroom, with your clothes on and your hands nowhere near her genitals or yours.