Want to swing, my wife is not open to idea. Any advice?

[trent2]

Hello everyone I am a married male. I would love to be able to share my wife but she is so far not open to the idea. I am looking to see if people here are in the same situation and advise from people who have experience in this area. I am not bi but just have the desire to see my wife being pleasured by/with another man.
Thank you !

[truckerbuddy]

have you asked you lovely wife to join reading the thread the board has to offer. there is a lot of info in/on here. maybe if she see the responds from the ladies on here. just maybe she will have a different feeling about it all.

BUT. please don't make her do so. let her come in/on when she wants to.

the best thing you can do is... talk to her about it. but do not push her.. if you do... she will hate it even more.

i hope this can help.

[cpl4funindel]

Hi there, and welcome to the Board!

First off, from our experience to succeed in this lifestyle requires that both members of a couple be completely on the same page as to what you want from it, and what you're comfortable with. If she's hesitant about even the idea of doing it, then pushing her will only make it a rift between the two of you.

Now, if you're concerned she doesn't have a good picture about what this is all about, having her read these forums is absolutely a great resource to give her all the information she needs to make a determination. We've found the postings here to be invaluable as we've progressed in the LifeStyle.

Either way, don't rush her and you may find she comes along on her own... Or not. No matter what, it needs to be something you decide on and do together... We like to think of it as a "Team Sport". :-)

Just my .02. Good luck!

Mr. Cpl.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by trent2

Hello everyone I am a married male. I would love to be able to share my wife but she is so far not open to the idea. I am looking to see if people here are in the same situation and advise from people who have experience in this area. I am not bi but just have the desire to see my wife being pleasured by/with another man.
Thank you !

Welcome to the Board!

Your question is not the first of its kind, nor will it be the last.

The best advice anyone can give you is to talk to your wife. If you cannot have open and honest communication with each other and RESPECT each others wishes, swinging will not work.

To be successful in swinging it CANNOT be just about what you want, it must also be about what your wife wants. You said you have a desire to see you wife pleasured by/with another man...she too must have this desire or it's a no go.

Talk to your wife, explaining to her why you have this fantasy/desire. Swinging is a big shift in the way most people view sex. She might or she might not ever be able to make that shift in her way of thinking. Listen to her and ask that she listen to you. Even if she never decides that swinging is something that is right for her, having a relationship where you both can communicate openly with each other is never a bad thing. You cannot change your wife's mind for her, you can only plant a seed to a different way of thinking.

Teresa

[JustAskJulie]

Trent. TNT is right. In order to give you any advice beyond what she has said, please answer the following questions.

1. Can you and your wife talk about anything and everything in an open and honest way?
2. How have you brought up the subject of swinging to your wife thus far?
3. How open is your wife sexually? Does she talk openly with you about your sex life? Do you watch porn together? Do you enjoy toys in the bedroom together? Watch each other masturbate?
4. Why do you want to swing? What do you hope to get out of it?

[IvoryTowers]

You want to "share" your wife when she doesn't want to be shared and you want ideas about how to make her change her mind.

Do you understand how this can seem offensive? You want to fulfill an fantasy and use your wife like a prop or a doll in doing so. This desire has nothing to do with her pleasure, in fact, the direct opposite, since you want to make it happen against her will.

By all means, talk to your wife about your fantasies and desires, and listen to hers. I'm all for both sexual adventuring and helping partners realize fantasies. But please don't come to here and ask for advice about manipulating or forcing your partner to do something!

[bbarnsworth]

Echo IvoryTowers, and further up TNT. Plant seeds, yes. Try to convince, no. Talk at length, yes. Treat it like a debate team contest, no.

My wife brought up the idea of swinging, but she was fairly reluctant to the idea at first. It wasn't a question of finding what "worked" with her. For me, it was most definitely a matter of finding out what would make her happy, how she discovered herself, and how I could help.

My wife takes great pleasure from me getting pleasure in watching her being pleasured (phew, what as sentence!). But, I've made it absolutely clear to her and she readily acknowledges that she will only play if she wants to, for her own pleasure, for her own desires. My pleasure is absolutely secondary to that. I would never, ever be happy watching her have sex with someone else knowing she was doing it primarily for me, or to fulfill a fantasy of mine.

No, I love watching her have sex with other men because I thoroughly enjoy doing everything I can to make her the happiest, most self actualized person she can be. Casting aside society's rules and helping her to fulfill her sexual dreams and desires and satisfy the sexual creature she is, is my goal. Kissing her deeply, and passionately while she is having sex with someone else is an incredible feeling, knowing how fulfilled *she* is feeling. I could never have that feeling knowing she was doing it for me or because of what I wanted.

Plant the seeds with your wife. Don't push. Discuss. It can take a lot of time. The fact that you could plant the seeds without her running for the hills is a step in the right direction, but it's just a step. There's many more, and you've got a tremendous resource here in this forum to help you along the way.

[almost40]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

Echo IvoryTowers, and further up TNT. Plant seeds, yes. Try to convince, no. Talk at length, yes. Treat it like a debate team contest, no.

My wife brought up the idea of swinging, but she was fairly reluctant to the idea at first. It wasn't a question of finding what "worked" with her. For me, it was most definitely a matter of finding out what would make her happy, how she discovered herself, and how I could help.

My wife takes great pleasure from me getting pleasure in watching her being pleasured (phew, what as sentence!). But, I've made it absolutely clear to her and she readily acknowledges that she will only play if she wants to, for her own pleasure, for her own desires. My pleasure is absolutely secondary to that. I would never, ever be happy watching her have sex with someone else knowing she was doing it primarily for me, or to fulfill a fantasy of mine.

No, I love watching her have sex with other men because I thoroughly enjoy doing everything I can to make her the happiest, most self actualized person she can be. Casting aside society's rules and helping her to fulfill her sexual dreams and desires and satisfy the sexual creature she is, is my goal. Kissing her deeply, and passionately while she is having sex with someone else is an incredible feeling, knowing how fulfilled *she* is feeling. I could never have that feeling knowing she was doing it for me or because of what I wanted.

Plant the seeds with your wife. Don't push. Discuss. It can take a lot of time. The fact that you could plant the seeds without her running for the hills is a step in the right direction, but it's just a step. There's many more, and you've got a tremendous resource here in this forum to help you along the way.

may i ask: when you say plant the seeds, what worked for you?

[NCfuncouple98]

Mr NC brought it up in conversations for a couple of years, I never really took him seriously about it.

After nice romantic evenings together, the right intimacy, whatever, he just found moments where we were really communicating to bring it up "in passing". I still didn't take it seriously.

Honestly I really was Queen Vanilla. It just slowly worked itself that way as we explored with porn, conversations, sex toys, and just open conversation, as well as fantasies. That was the key to opening the door.

So what was the magic seed that finally blossomed? Can't really tell you. Each person is different, each couple relates differently, and the conversations we had could have the opposite effect for you.

You know your wife. You know this is something of interest to you. Now you need to communicate with your wife honestly and openly, and if she says "No Way", well, maybe that means NEVER, and maybe it's just not the right time.

Our earlier conversations were about a 3some with another male or female, and that helped open the door. Honestly the thought of swapping with another couple, back then, would've completely turned me away. Things change.

Mrs NC.

[trent2]

Perhaps I didn't phrase is correctly. I would never do anything to any such effect, I love my wife dearly. We have been married seven years and plan to spend the rest of my life with her. What I mean is that it has become a fantasy of mine but we have NEVER discussed anything like this before. She is completely fine with the fantasy but she is less open to the idea of actually doing anything. I told her that it would turn me on to see her being please and would only enjoy such an encounter if it would make her happy being pleased by more than one man. It's hard to get her to open up about anything sexual. It's hard to get to know what she wants. To let you know how far away we probably are from ever doing anything in reality. She just saw her first porno with me the other night but she was pretty turned on by it. When I did tell her of my fantasy like I said she was fine with it but asked if I would have sex with another women if she wanted me to, sensing a trap I froze and diverted the question and told her I didn't desire another women and would only consider it if it turned her on but was not looking for anyone else.

I guess the point I wanted to make is that I am not a jerk or worse who wanted to use my wife as a doll for my pleasures. I want to know how this may effect our sexual relationship and how women think about it. I know everyone is different. She considers herself boring and doesn't have much to say for pillow talk sexual fantasy.

Just looking for information on sexual relationships, not how to make someone do something they don't want to do.

[trent2]

Originally Posted by NCfuncouple98

Mr NC brought it up in conversations for a couple of years, I never really took him seriously about it.

After nice romantic evenings together, the right intimacy, whatever, he just found moments where we were really communicating to bring it up "in passing". I still didn't take it seriously.

Honestly I really was Queen Vanilla. It just slowly worked itself that way as we explored with porn, conversations, sex toys, and just open conversation, as well as fantasies. That was the key to opening the door.

So what was the magic seed that finally blossomed? Can't really tell you. Each person is different, each couple relates differently, and the conversations we had could have the opposite effect for you.

You know your wife. You know this is something of interest to you. Now you need to communicate with your wife honestly and openly, and if she says "No Way", well, maybe that means NEVER, and maybe it's just not the right time.

Our earlier conversations were about a 3some with another male or female, and that helped open the door. Honestly the thought of swapping with another couple, back then, would've completely turned me away. Things change.

Mrs NC.

Thank you ! I needed to hear something like that. Thank you to everyone who understands my situation. I never realized I would have so much information and people willing to offer advice! Which leads me to think that it can work and be a very pleasurable experience when everything works out. It may never manifest into reality, but you have all given me great advice and a better idea on the situation and how to approach it.
Thank you I will be back reading often.

[trent2]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

Echo IvoryTowers, and further up TNT. Plant seeds, yes. Try to convince, no. Talk at length, yes. Treat it like a debate team contest, no.

My wife brought up the idea of swinging, but she was fairly reluctant to the idea at first. It wasn't a question of finding what "worked" with her. For me, it was most definitely a matter of finding out what would make her happy, how she discovered herself, and how I could help.

My wife takes great pleasure from me getting pleasure in watching her being pleasured (phew, what as sentence!). But, I've made it absolutely clear to her and she readily acknowledges that she will only play if she wants to, for her own pleasure, for her own desires. My pleasure is absolutely secondary to that. I would never, ever be happy watching her have sex with someone else knowing she was doing it primarily for me, or to fulfill a fantasy of mine.

No, I love watching her have sex with other men because I thoroughly enjoy doing everything I can to make her the happiest, most self actualized person she can be. Casting aside society's rules and helping her to fulfill her sexual dreams and desires and satisfy the sexual creature she is, is my goal. Kissing her deeply, and passionately while she is having sex with someone else is an incredible feeling, knowing how fulfilled *she* is feeling. I could never have that feeling knowing she was doing it for me or because of what I wanted.

Plant the seeds with your wife. Don't push. Discuss. It can take a lot of time. The fact that you could plant the seeds without her running for the hills is a step in the right direction, but it's just a step. There's many more, and you've got a tremendous resource here in this forum to help you along the way.

Absolutely, it really is all about her. When she is happy that is what turns me on the most. I'm a giver I guess.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by NCfuncouple98

Honestly I really was Queen Vanilla. It just slowly worked itself that way as we explored with porn, conversations, sex toys, and just open conversation, as well as fantasies. That was the key to opening the door.

Very good post, Mrs. NC!!

Hi Trent! I want to formally you to the board! There really are some great people here with some great advice.

You sound like many husbands/wives who come in and ask how to get their spouses to swing. Well, one way doesn't work for everyone. It's the old proverbial getting a horse to water but you can't make him drink scenario. You can talk until you're blue in the face, but actually convincing her that this is what she wants is not up to you. Just to reiterate, she does have to want this, too. Some couples, no matter how much they love each other, no matter how much they talk are never meant to swing and that's OK.

When my husband brought it up to me the first time, he'd talk about the fantasies. He never pushed or prodded. But if I asked him questions, he was honest about what he wanted. Now, even though we were totally monogamous for those two plus decades, I always had my inner fantasies that I didn't share with him. My inner self told me that people shouldn't be monogamous, but society tells us different. I kept my vanilla tiara firmly planted on my skull.

A month or two go by and he brings it up again. Not pushy, but just planting those seeds.

If you read the threads here, you know that communication is paramount in starting and maintaining a healthy swinging relationship. Being totally honest in your feelings is a priority. Of course I had the "what ifs" when Dave and I first talked about it. What if she's prettier than I am? What if she's better than I am? What if she's this or that? It was a never ending self-esteem issue with me.

If your wife gets to the point where she's willing to talk, chat about it over coffee at the kitchen table. That's neutral territory. When you talk about threesomes or couples in the bedroom, it seems that maybe the fantasy only comes up when you two are making love. Does that make sense?

Bringing her to this board and looking through threads is an excellent idea. This is where I came for research before even thinking about swinging with my husband. Well, I asked questions, I read threads until I thought my eyes would fall out. I learned, I talked with my husband more and then we talked more and more again. We talked outside the bedroom about what we both wanted. We made rules.

Like Mrs. NC... I was the queen of vanillatown. It took some time, but it wasn't pushed or shoved on me. We talked about it rationally.

We really both wish you good luck!

[MrkLin]

Hello Trent! Welcome aboard!

I have to tell you that when I read the title of your thread "Want to swing by wife is not open to idea..." my first reaction was, "Then you won't be swinging..." After reading the thread, however, I see a lot of myself about 17 years ago. You and I are very similar in our desires. Mrs.Trent and my wife Lin, however, are a bit different. Lin already had a fantasy - she was just hesitant to tell me about it. She didn't have a lot of experience (I got Lin her first vibrator while we were living together, before we married - she was 35 at the time...) but she knew that sex was a lot more than what her ex-husband was offering. But I digress...

I'd like to invite you to read my incredibly long blog post here on the Swinger's Board titled How We Got Involved in Swinging <-that's a link to page 1.

The whole story is 4 pages long, and I know that may be a turn off at first, but grab yourself a coffee and settle in for a bit to read it. I wrestled with many of the same things you're wrestling with now. How do you open the conversation without pushing the issue? How do you let her know that you really mean it when you tell her that she can discuss anything at all with you?

Been there, done that, my friend. Check out the blog post and mull it over for a while. I know it isn't a step-by-step instruction guide, but maybe having a bit of insight from a guy who was flying blind might help you out.

Whichever way you decide to go, my friend, just know that we here at the board wish the both of you luck.

[TNT]

Originally Posted by trent2

Perhaps I didn't phrase is correctly. I would never do anything to any such effect, I love my wife dearly. We have been married seven years and plan to spend the rest of my life with her. What I mean is that it has become a fantasy of mine but we have NEVER discussed anything like this before. She is completely fine with the fantasy but she is less open to the idea of actually doing anything. I told her that it would turn me on to see her being please and would only enjoy such an encounter if it would make her happy being pleased by more than one man. It's hard to get her to open up about anything sexual. It's hard to get to know what she wants. To let you know how far away we probably are from ever doing anything in reality. She just saw her first porno with me the other night but she was pretty turned on by it. When I did tell her of my fantasy like I said she was fine with it but asked if I would have sex with another women if she wanted me to, sensing a trap I froze and diverted the question and told her I didn't desire another women and would only consider it if it turned her on but was not looking for anyone else.

I guess the point I wanted to make is that I am not a jerk or worse who wanted to use my wife as a doll for my pleasures. I want to know how this may effect our sexual relationship and how women think about it. I know everyone is different. She considers herself boring and doesn't have much to say for pillow talk sexual fantasy.

Just looking for information on sexual relationships, not how to make someone do something they don't want to do.

Thanks for coming back and elaborating a bit more. It definitely helps with understanding when a better picture is drawn

It seems you've taken the first step...building the trust it takes to be open with each other. Many women are raised with a repressed view of sex and sexuality. For them to even be able to entertain the possibility of changing that view takes time and an enormous amount of trust in their partner and themselves.

From the way I'm interrupting this, with the fact that your wife just watched her first porn movie, it seems she has a very narrow view of sex. The first step in possibly working your way into maybe having a threesome some time in the future is to change her view of sex. She has to come to a realization that it's something that does not necessarily have to be kept in a nice, neat little box. She has to not only understand from you that no matter what it is where sex is concerned, that you're okay with it, that you're not going to judge her or think she's weird...as well as, giving herself permission that's it okay to explore some of her deeper inner thoughts and share those with you.

For some the ability to be totally open and honest about all things sexual with their partner is easy, for others it takes time. There's nothing wrong with taking as much time as is necessary.

I would suggest forgetting about working towards a possible threesome at this point and concentrate on you and your wife building and exploring a sexual relationship with each other where when a question is asked by either of you there is no fear of the question being a "trap" , but that it's just a question asked for the purpose of understanding each other better and building a deeper trust in each other.

Once you've reached a point where sharing your sexual fantasies with each other and asking any question in the book without fear has become second nature, then you've reached the point where the possibility of exploring your sexuality with others becomes a fun and non-threatening idea.

Continue to read the board and even bring your wife here to read. It may seem like the only thing that is discussed here is swinging sex but on a deeper level we do discuss what it takes to build that strong relationship foundation that allows for the possibility of swinging to become a reality.

Teresa