Want to swing, my wife is not open to idea. Any advice?

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by TNT

I would suggest forgetting about working towards a possible threesome at this point and concentrate on you and your wife building and exploring a sexual relationship with each other where when a question is asked by either of you there is no fear of the question being a "trap" , but that it's just a question asked for the purpose of understanding each other better and building a deeper trust in each other.
Teresa

Wonderful suggestion and so well said. Just think of how much fun the two of you can have exploring with just the two of you.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by almost40

may i ask: when you say plant the seeds, what worked for you?

I'll answer this by responding to another quote here...

Originally Posted by trent2

She just saw her first porno with me the other night but she was pretty turned on by it.

and use a quote from TNT to begin the response

Originally Posted by TNT

Many women are raised with a repressed view of sex and sexuality.

BINGO.

Our society has a dizzying array of expectations of us. It is very, very hard for most people to work outside of those expectations. "You just got married and you never want to have children? What's wrong with you?" is one example. People are routinely pressured to remain within typical expectations of normal behavior.

When you go of script, the world goes nuts. Swinging is definitely off script.

See, little girls don't dream of being swept off their feet by a knight in shining armor and carried off to the altar in a white horse drawn carriage...and then having threesomes, foursomes and moresomes with their husband and many other men.

Definitely off script.

When my wife and I first ventured into swinging, I wanted (and of course still do) my wife to be fulfilled, self actualized and happy. A couple of years before she brought up the subject, we'd been investigating purchasing a Sybian (look it up if need be). They're expensive, and we didn't want to buy one only to find it wasn't pleasurable for her. I found a local swing club that had a Sybian, offering the possibility she could try one out before we bought one. I suggested we could go, only for the reason of trying out the Sybian. The idea of my wife having sex with other people wasn't objectionable to me then either, but my point wasn't trying to go sideways into swinging. I wanted her to try out the Sybian, and that's. We did talk tangentially about swinging, but not in the sense of us trying it out. I think that time period planted seeds though that slowly grew with her.

Shortly after my wife brought up the subject of swinging again, we had bed room fantasies about it. It became very, very obvious to me that my wife was extremely turned on by the idea. The problem was she wasn't acknowledging it to herself. Every time I'd bring up the subject, she'd get turned on. With support to let her know I was fully in support of her fantasies becoming reality, she started acknowledging how erotic it all was to her, and how much she really did want to do it. I remember her waking me up one morning, and she was very turned on. She'd woken up thinking about sex with multiple men and it was driving her crazy.

Once she acknowledged how much she really wanted to do it, at least on a physical level, the rest was history. It took some time to talk through things, work out rules, expectations, etc. But, helping her realize how erotic it all was to her is what made the difference. What was equally important, if not more so, was that I was along for the ride. Had the ride turned away from swinging, we would have been just as happy. All I was doing was putting gas in the car; she was doing the driving.

Getting past society's expectations and rules and communicating honestly and openly with yourself is hard.

Originally Posted by trent2

When I did tell her of my fantasy like I said she was fine with it but asked if I would have sex with another women if she wanted me to, sensing a trap I froze and diverted the question and told her I didn't desire another women and would only consider it if it turned her on but was not looking for anyone else.

Slam on the brakes here...

If you can't communicate honestly with your wife, keep working at the communication until you can. With my wife I told her explicitly that I of course would love to have sex with other women...who wouldn't? What I added on was that there was NO way I was going to without her full acceptance, knowledge, and encouragement. We're a team, and we do this together. Period. In actual swinging activities, we both have absolute power over each other; no means no, doesn't require an explanation, and doesn't involve a debate. It is important to both of us that we always work together and always both have full control over what goes on.

If you're sensing a trap in talking with your wife, head right into it but disarm the trap; you're a team. Period.

Originally Posted by trent2

She considers herself boring and doesn't have much to say for pillow talk sexual fantasy.

You can help her realize her sexual self and fantasies. Based on what you said about the porn movie, sounds like you're on the way.

There's a series of videos called "Screw my wife please". There's something like 50 DVDs in the series. Before my wife had swinging sex with other men, I'd found this series and suggested them to my wife. A week later, she bought two DVDs in the series, and we watched them. They were very erotic to my wife, and she was very turned on watching them. Keep in mind my wife is NOT into porn. But, she was seeing her fantasy come to life on the TV. It wasn't long after that when I finally got to see her have sex with another man.

[JustMrJ]

I agree with the last two or three posts. You two need that open and honest communication about sex, not to mention ANYTHING else for a healthy marriage/relationship. And this means any subject, any time... dinner, breakfast, lunch, dressing in the morning, watching TV, etc.

Now, the next step is for the both of you to find out what you want out of your sex lives TOGETHER.

Somewhere down the road, that may mean swinging, or it may mean just the two of you enjoying your own 'thing', whatever that may be.

Never push, always communicate and love.

*HUGS*

[Ready4us]

Originally Posted by trent2

Hello everyone I am a married male. I would love to be able to share my wife but she is so far not open to the idea. I am looking to see if people here are in the same situation and advise from people who have experience in this area. I am not bi but just have the desire to see my wife being pleasured by/with another man.
Thank you !

We are almost in the same boat. She stopped when we got married and I want to get right back in swinging. I miss it sooooo much. I think your situation is a little easier, I would recommend for both of you visit a real nice swing club just SEE...no playing! And then talk some about it. May be she will worm-up to the idea.

[trent2]

Thanks for all the feedback!
It has all made things much clearer for me. Right now we are just going to focus on what we like right now and may explore fantasies down the road if the road leads us that way. It was something I needed to research and get feedback on from people who have been there. I see now that it isn't for everyone and it may not be for us, maybe it will be. Thank you all !
To each their own.

[curious2u]

Looking back my husband brought up the idea in a kinda clumsy, lovable way and I shot him down completely. In my opinion a woman who isn't ready just isn't ready- yet.
What I mean is we all grow at differant speeds and had he not introduced the idea - the seed- I would never have ever gotten to the point where I let another man touch me in ffront of my husband. It took me years to accept the idea and my guy was relentless but not pushy. He pushed the idea without being too pushy. I was nonetheless opposed to the idea for a lot of reasons.
I suggest you come to terms with either never swinging with her or waiting until she comes around on her own terms. I really appreciate my husband hung in there, no pun intended, and now we are on the same page.
To assume that two people would agree on this subject the first time it is brought up is possible but I have been on a lot of forums and spoken to a few people who have similar experiences. It takes TIME and you must be patient. If you are patient and it was meant to be then you will be rewarded.

[Babysteps]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

All I was doing was putting gas in the car; she was doing the driving.

What a great analogy!