Approaching a Couple?

[SOONERCOUPLE99]

My wife and I are very interested in swinging and we have some friends that are very close to us. I know they have spoken about swinging and group sex before but have not went through with it. My wife and her have already talked about making out. I have talked with the husband and he is good to go, but as I thought my wife needs to talk to his wife.

So how should we approach this? I have seen two options so far:

1) My wife speaks with her this weekend and brings it up in much the same manner I did, just talking about fantasies and openness in our relationships.

or

2) We all sit down and talk about it. This would help my wife because I think she is more than a little nervous to bring up the subject. But I feel it might overwhelm the other wife.

I just want everyone to feel comfortable and at ease, and think this is a very real, very soon possibility.

[2inSanDiego4u]

If you think the other wife would be more comfortable if she was talking to your wife alone, that might be the way to go. Maybe just have your wife talk to her about the four of you talking about it, and see how she reacts to that. If she says no, I can't do that, then maybe she's not ready for any of this yet.

[Texasfuncouple]

Humor works very well in this situaiton. When all of you are together bring it up in a non-threatening way and see where the conversation goes.

our 2 cents

[iapr]

I think you should approach this by reading as many of the countless threads on this board that deal with the subject - "SHOULD WE SWING WITH OUR TRADITIONAL FRIENDS?"

In almost every case the advice will be a resounding "NO!"

My advice is to read as much as you can on this and other boards, continue to talk with each other about what you are wanting to explore and acheive as a couple in the lifestyle. Then look into regular swinger venues such as lifestyle clubs and partys to look for people to interact in the flesh with.

It is very common for people to start looking towards their pool of traditional friends when they first begin to talk about swinging however having your first encounters with regular friends is almost always a bad idea and can result in jealousys, hurt feelings and can put your marriage, their marriage and your friendships all at risk.

I will concede that you all have already discussed this and that they seem somewhat interested too however all four of you are inexperienced and do not know how any of you will react in real life when things start to happen.

I would strongly reccommend you keeping your traditional friends out of your bedroom and making your first steps into the lifestyle with real swingers.

If down the road some day when you are more experienced and know what you want out of the lifestyle and know how you react in a variety of situations and your friends are equal as experienced and knowledgable and you all still want to mash flesh then you are all concenting adults at that point.

Currently, however, it would be blind leading the blind and you have a close friendship and two marriages at stake here.

[SOONERCOUPLE99]

Thanks for the responses so far.

We are a pretty open group of friends sexually. We talk all the time about what we do in bed, and not in a fantastical way. We have joked about swinging and key parties and stuff like that a lot. So I definitely understand using humor.

I understand all your points on the swinging with traditional friends. Those are all valid concerns of ours as well, and things that I have brought up already, and things I will bring up when we all talk. Really, I am for starting in a club scene, but my wife is adamant about doing it with someone she knows. I think the club would be easier in a lot of respects. But if my friend knew that we could have been swinging the whole time, he would be nonplussed. So I decided I could give them the first shot.

For me, the level of the sexual activity is irrelevant. If it is just heavy petting between the girls and then part ways for sex, that is a start. If they want to do oral on each other and then we do same room sex, that is good. If we really get into it and go full bore swapping that is great. Or if we just talk about it and decide they aren't ready then that's fine too. It would just probably be a little while before my wife and I get the opportunity. And it may be the only opportunity for my friends.

That's my thinking right now. It isn't a dying need that this happen, but I feel there is a good chance it will. I think my wife will bring it up this weekend, joke about another couple we know, open up about some sex stuff, question her a bit, then mention the making out thing and that they should do that. Then see if she wants us all to sit down and talk about what we would be comfortable with. That's almost the same approach I took with the husband.

[Texasfuncouple]

A little more FYI. We have always been under the impression that swinging with vanilla friends is a bad idea and figured that was a pretty accepted idea. But after running this poll, these are the votes we received to date:

Is it a bad idea to swing with good "vanilla" friends?

I don't know, but please show me the answers. (43%, 111 Votes)
It is a very bad idea. (24%, 62 Votes)
It is OK. (20%, 52 Votes)
It is not only OK, they make the best play partners! (12%, 32 Votes)

That means:

42% Against
58% For

With 22% saying it was not only OK, but they made great play partners.

Just a little food for thought. I think the big key one needs to take into a situaiton like this is the extreme jeopardy they put the relationship in should things turn ugly!

that additional $.02 brings us up to a total of $.04 on the topic.
~texasfun

[ncmd_couple]

Sooner,

Well, normally I fall on the don't play with vanila friends side of things. But this is a different situation from the norm. Let me suggest this. Why don't you just tell them about this "site we found" and point them to the Swinger's Board. Let them get a feel for swinging before the conversation goes any farther.

The reason that I suggest this is that there is no rush in this. You two need to figure out where you are at as far as swinging goes, and they need to do the same thing. Knowledge is a powerful thing, so is the lack therof. What all four of you learn here, then as individual couples decide what you want, will greatly improve your success.

In the long run, you have great friends that you can talk about swinging without the pressure to actually swing with each other. You can discuss what you all read here, participate in the forums and get on a steady footing first.

S

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by Texasfuncouple

A little more FYI. We have always been under the impression that swinging with vanilla friends is a bad idea and figured that was a pretty accepted idea. But after running this poll, these are the votes we received to date:

Is it a bad idea to swing with good "vanilla" friends?

I don't know, but please show me the answers. (43%, 111 Votes)
It is a very bad idea. (24%, 62 Votes)
It is OK. (20%, 52 Votes)
It is not only OK, they make the best play partners! (12%, 32 Votes)

That means:

42% Against
58% For

With 22% saying it was not only OK, but they made great play partners.

Just a little food for thought. I think the big key one needs to take into a situaiton like this is the extreme jeopardy they put the relationship in should things turn ugly!

that additional $.02 brings us up to a total of $.04 on the topic.
~texasfun

A poll on the board isn't worth the time it takes to fill out normally. Sometimes the results are so opposite of what the 'real' swingers here think that following them will only lead to problems. This board has a very high lurker and I'll assume perv number.

Plus life is not a consensus activity, even if the polls were only filled out be seasoned swingers instead of people who never 'swung', the only result that matters is what happens to you.

Hell just by being swingers you are already going against societies established poll.

[jnksexyduo]

Sooner,
You might want to consider keeping vanilla friends away from your chocolate ones... But if your just dying to make it happen... maybe think about doing something "edgier" like go to a strip club to bring it up... I think that opens up A LOT of discussion about sex and takes the converstional akwardness out of having to start that convo even if it is with humor... Plus going to a strip club might prove how sexually liberated they are and how comfortable they might be with being in a whole room of naked adults... just a thought and good luck with that... i'm interested to know how it turns out.
jnksexyduo

[iapr]

Originally Posted by SOONERCOUPLE99

Thanks for the responses so far.

We are a pretty open group of friends sexually. We talk all the time about what we do in bed, and not in a fantastical way. We have joked about swinging and key parties and stuff like that a lot. So I definitely understand using humor.

I understand all your points on the swinging with traditional friends. Those are all valid concerns of ours as well, and things that I have brought up already, and things I will bring up when we all talk. Really, I am for starting in a club scene, but my wife is adamant about doing it with someone she knows. I think the club would be easier in a lot of respects. But if my friend knew that we could have been swinging the whole time, he would be nonplussed. So I decided I could give them the first shot.

For me, the level of the sexual activity is irrelevant. If it is just heavy petting between the girls and then part ways for sex, that is a start. If they want to do oral on each other and then we do same room sex, that is good. If we really get into it and go full bore swapping that is great. Or if we just talk about it and decide they aren't ready then that's fine too. It would just probably be a little while before my wife and I get the opportunity. And it may be the only opportunity for my friends.

That's my thinking right now. It isn't a dying need that this happen, but I feel there is a good chance it will. I think my wife will bring it up this weekend, joke about another couple we know, open up about some sex stuff, question her a bit, then mention the making out thing and that they should do that. Then see if she wants us all to sit down and talk about what we would be comfortable with. That's almost the same approach I took with the husband.

This all sounds like you have a fairly good head on your shoulders and that your expectations and aspirations at this point in time are pretty reasonable and realistic.

I want to specifically address the point you make about your wife being "adament that it be someone she knows."

That is perfectly fine and reasonable. Here is something for both of you to consider. You can go to clubs and meet people (aka 'real swingers') and you can "get to know" them to her hearts desire. There are no timelines or deadlines in getting to know someone. There are people we knew and interacted with on a fairly regular basis for almost a couple years before we ever played with them. You/she can take as long as she wants to get to know someone and many people in the lifestyle are as interested in friendship and comfort as they are in sexual matters and it is not uncommon or unheard of for people to spend many months or even years getting to know each other before anything sexual occurs.

Also keep in mind that in a lifestyle arena people often forgo discussions of work, house repairs, kids activities, world politics, the economy etc etc and discuss actuall personal topics and the "getting to know" process can be much accelerated as opposed to vanilla environments.


You can go to clubs and meet real swingers and still get to know people to a comfortable degree. Knowing someone and going to lifestyle clubs are not mutually exclusive concepts.

[SOONERCOUPLE99]

I want to sincerely thank everyone for their honest and cogent replies.

But it is kind of a moot point now, because it just happened. My wife and her were spending the evening together talking about sexual openness and their fantasies. And my wife told her that this morning, we had sex while fantasizing swapping with them.

The husband and I finished our night out early and decided to head over to his house to see how things were going. We sat down and they were being giggly. Later we found out they were making Valentine's Day plans to play with each other for us. So we start talking, I decide to ramp up things a little and I throw out some compliments. The wives finally decide to play a little and before you know it we are all intertwined going at it.

I had completely planned for this to be really slow, but it was just a whirlwind. It was pretty amazing and all parties loved it. It is funny that there was absolutely no jealousy. I had a little stage fright but had a great time none the less. I am sparing all the details, but I can share if you guys like.

I would say that swinging with your friends isn't for everyone. We are all really close, honest, and secure. We all go to church together, and it is funny but I even prayed for guidance in this matter. I knew I wanted this but I didn't want to mess anything up in the process. My wife and I have been together for almost 13 years and the other couple had been together for around a decade. My wife knows exactly but I just can't keep track of my friends anniversary. My point is that we have all four had a long time to settle into our relationships and made it past some of the traditionally more challenging years.

A lot of the other things I read on this were people who had been together for a small amount of time, something like only a year. In that case, I would advise against swinging though I think I would have been cool then, my wife would not have. So maybe our success has something to do with the length and security of both marriages.

So, next meeting will be Valentine's Day, dinner and bed party at our house. None of us can hardly wait

[fun4Ds]

WOW, I think this is pretty inspirational this morning. Sometimes things are for the good I hope your friendships are everlasting, I really mean that.

I think you all had a maturity level before anything happened that certainly helped. It doesn't happen often but it does occasionally.

Ya know looking back, we were exposed to swinging with friends first. We didn't have the knowledge we have today, then. In fact, there was no conversation about any form of lifestyle or swinging. We just met two couples in life, who swapped partners and shared friendships. Now we see so many failures happen these days. I cant explain that..... Maybe I don't need too...

We all went our separate ways without anything more than a loss of friendship over time and distance. We do know both those couples are still together after all these years, and so are we....

We found that comfort again in our lives. We are more cautious today compared to then.

I don't know what I'm trying to even say here.... Somehow your post and experience makes me feel good this morning.

Thank you, for sharing this

[ncmd_couple]

I'm glad to hear that everything has worked out and you had a great time, I still suggest that you invite them to come here, this is new to all of you, and there is a lot of advice and history. Tonight, I'm sure your all thinki... "holy shit!"

S

[SOONERCOUPLE99]

Everything is going great so far. No holy shit moments, just a lot of "this is freaking awesome" moments. The next day we went to church together, the wives went shopping together, and then we hung out a bit to let the kids play. All normal stuff. The girls said they had a few things to giggle about when shopping and some completely innocent things now sound naughty. It was pretty funny when my friend told his kid that, "you share with your friends."

We talked a little more and we are all excited for Valentine's Day. We will have dinner at home and then go to it again.

Interestingly, the husband and I have developed a cross-jealousy syndrome. I don't want anyone outside of our group looking at his wife now, and vice versa. We have no jealousy between the four of us, but we don't want any of our other friends talking about our wives boobs. It won't change the way either of us acts and we will still talk about the same stuff with them. I just found it funny both of us had the same little pangs when we thought about it.

[SOONERCOUPLE99]

I also wanted to say thanks for all the wonderful compliments, Fun4D's. And thanks everyone else, even if it is criticism. Your interest shows a lot about the maturity of the community.

To the point about friends swinging failures these days, maybe it has something to do with the general marriage climate these days. Over half of marriages end badly, so why wouldn't swapping relationships. This is a general reflection of people's commitment to their marriages, and of people's sexual repression. In fact, more people are interested in swinging than they would allow themselves to admit. However, this admission would be beneficial to the marriages and families that repression can destroy. There is nothing wrong with being committed to multiple partners. Evolutionarily, we are built for it. I believe it is why women tend to me more bi-curious than men.

Sociologically, almost all of society are swingers or at least polyamorous if you have a strict definition of swinging. We all know couples who have divorced then remarried. Assuming they had sex in their first marriage, then had sex with their new partner in their second marriage, they have committed polygamy. Sociologists call it serial monogamy or serial polygamy. And since marriages end because of sex, money, or religion you could surmise that many families could be saved by sexual openness and possible responsible polyamory.

Just a portion of my thoughts on the failure of modern marriage in general.