How do you feel about newbs who don't swap?

[warrencouple]

Just a thought that crossed my mind (boy for someone who has yet to even poke at the cherry I've got tons of questions) tonight. How do you feel about a newb couple, who won't swap? Not even soft swap. How would you feel, if you went to your favorite on-premise club, saw a couple obviously nervous, got to chatting, think the chemistry is there, but they tell you (before heading to the play area) that they're not willing to even soft swap. They'll do same room sex, and incidental contact won't (they think) freak them out, but that's as far as they'll go.

Would you still consider going to play with them? Or do you not consider this "playing" and decline?

Or, do you see the "deer in the headlights" looks, and stay clear of them, thus avoiding the situation entirely?

Mind you, in my hypothetical situation above, they're up-front with you, when the conversation starts heading towards "let's play." Just as obviously, if you're not into the "voyeur / exhibitionist" of same room sex, I'd presume you'd gracefully decline, telling them "that's not something we're into."

I'm asking, as (I hope) the Mrs and I will be that newb couple soon. Now, to be honest, I'm expecting little more than her and I will have a good time, maybe dance (although neither of us are dancers), have conversations with people at the club, maybe use the hot tub (outdoors, in Windsor, in February, with it expected to be below freezing...), but that's about it. But, I'd be curious to know how people who've "been there, done that, and more" feel about "nervous newbs."

Thanks,
Mr.

[Chicup]

If they tell us a head of time, no problem. It might even be fun.

If they tell us 3 hours into the party, annoying.

[WildFire]

Well, first of all, I would say that we were that couple you described on our first few visits to the local on-premise club. It took a while to take it in, process it all and figure out if this was something that we wanted to pursue or not. The club will have all types of couples, each with different expectations, but overall, our experience has been if a couple finds you both attractive and fun to be with, sex may not be first on their agenda. Even experienced swingers enjoy meeting new couples and just having fun, and most are going to accept your newness and should be willing to go slowly and at your pace. Hey, we have all been there at some point...but we know some couples that jumped right in the first night out and full-swapped, and we also know some that have been in this for many years and will only soft swap. So you just have to take it slow, at the speed both of you (mostly your wife it sounds) are comfortable with and find that compatible couple help you along. Thinking about swinging and actually doing it are very different animals... Keep on reading from this board and communicate as much as possible with your wife for starters and if she is up for it, see if she would go to a club. Just be yourself and have fun with no expectations...
We eased into the actual swinging part after just having a curiousity of going to the a club environment and checking it out. I would also recommend meeting another couple for dinner, they should be willing to guide you both along with answers to questions you may have and sharing experiences. You will learn a lot more in a few hours face to face talking with them.
What has solidified my wife's views and acceptance of the lifestyle was meeting and talking with other couples like us that were already experienced swingers. Even though I have the best relationship a man could have with his wife, there are some things that she has to see and hear for herself for her own confirmation. Your wife may have in interest in bi-play, plus there's the jelousy factors that may be an issue, so make sure you both understand what swinging is all about. It is quite simple really, just to have fun, but it takes the right combination of having a healthy relationship, lots of trust in each other and a good set of rules you both will adhere to going in.
I really wouldn't worry too much about being new with another couple, just be upfront with them, so they know what to expect from you, and visa versa.
Hope that helps...

Wildfire

[realcplub2]

Warrencpl,

There are people that attend clubs every weekend, and never touch another person, and yet have great sex.. for them the aspect of BEING there is a turn on.. Being Watched while they do whatever they are doing is enough of a thrill..

Try not to over think all of this,. find what you are comfortable with as a COUPLE.. and be up front and honest with anyone you communicate with about your wishes/wants.. and go from there.

There are plenty of people that will consider what you looking for.

As for the newbies, with the deer in the headlights .. it happens.. depends on the case in question.. If they are too nervous, you back everything down and go at thier pace. If theyre in a club, Be warm, Be Welcoming and see how things go.. Some will run screaming.. others will chatter for hours.. Others will jump in with both feet first....depends on too many factors to know which one is which.. but its sure fun to investigate a little and find out..

[awesomecplmn]

WarrenCouple,

It's great that you are asking questions and starting to consider what may/may not make you comfortable as you think about visiting a club and possibly playing. Be completely honest with people and let them know you are nervous and that with the right couple you are thinking you'd like to try some same room sex to start.

If it was me, first of all, I'd be flattered that you felt comfortable enough with my hubby and I to consider having your first experience (even if there was no swapping) with us. And second, most swingers LOVE having sex with their spouses, so this is not an issue at all. I may have sex with other people, but I still have the best sex with my #1!!

[sexcupid]

One thing you might also consider...and how our first few club visits went...we did socialize and met some great people. And with only a few exceptions, the only people we ever played with at the club was each other. Not that was what we were hoping for, it just worked out that way.

If you are afraid of feeling like you are leading someone on, do be upfront about your limits/boundaries. Most people at a club/party are there for the social interaction as well as the potential to find other playmates.

But, if the mood strikes you...there are usually no rules that say you can't just take your wife up to the group play area, find a spot, and enjoy each other where you can watch others and be watched.

Do whatever works for you as a couple and have fun!

[Shiloh Way]

My wife and I had a similar experience recently. We met a couple who "talked a big game". We both got really excited. It went well, some soft swapping. One night the other man came over alone and we had a three way. Went fine. Next time all four of us got together he found his wife and I making out by ourselves and freaked out! Uncomfortable to say the least.
My wife and I are still very interested in this lifestyle, yet we don't have the "balls" to go to a club yet. Advice???

[Pensacolapair]

Originally Posted by Chicup

If they tell us a head of time, no problem. It might even be fun.

If they tell us 3 hours into the party, annoying.

Sums it up in a nutshell for us!

[fun4Ds]

We don't mind lending an ear, and talking about the subject of swinging to anyone seriously interested. We have learned enough ourselves this far, to appreciate new peoples feelings. It does happen sometimes with people we meet in our pursuit of potential playmates. And there is a time and place for that.

You say this is in a club setting right ? Because it makes a difference.

If we venture to a club now days, we have full intentions of seeking sexual compatible people when we make it to the club. We do like socializing, but we came to play also. We are usually pretty revved up you might say, after talking between ourselves prior to getting there. We may even have intentions of meeting someone in particular by this time. Then again we may be hoping for just a plain sexual connection with anyone.

Playing with each other is fun. But, we are hoping to extend ourselves. It depends on the circumstances whether we would join a couple for same room same partner sex. We have talked the night away before and done nothing.... It happens.

The thing is, this is one reason we go with a suite when we go out. If its just sex between ourselves because for what ever reasons we find playing with others isn't going to happen, we would be far more comfortable back at our hotel in a hot tub together.

We do ask for company

[ncmd_couple]

Originally Posted by warrencouple

Just a thought that crossed my mind (boy for someone who has yet to even poke at the cherry I've got tons of questions) tonight. How do you feel about a newb couple, who won't swap? Not even soft swap. How would you feel, if you went to your favorite on-premise club, saw a couple obviously nervous, got to chatting, think the chemistry is there, but they tell you (before heading to the play area) that they're not willing to even soft swap. They'll do same room sex, and incidental contact won't (they think) freak them out, but that's as far as they'll go.

Would you still consider going to play with them? Or do you not consider this "playing" and decline?

Or, do you see the "deer in the headlights" looks, and stay clear of them, thus avoiding the situation entirely?

Mind you, in my hypothetical situation above, they're up-front with you, when the conversation starts heading towards "let's play." Just as obviously, if you're not into the "voyeur / exhibitionist" of same room sex, I'd presume you'd gracefully decline, telling them "that's not something we're into."

I'm asking, as (I hope) the Mrs and I will be that newb couple soon. Now, to be honest, I'm expecting little more than her and I will have a good time, maybe dance (although neither of us are dancers), have conversations with people at the club, maybe use the hot tub (outdoors, in Windsor, in February, with it expected to be below freezing...), but that's about it. But, I'd be curious to know how people who've "been there, done that, and more" feel about "nervous newbs."

Thanks,
Mr.

Mr. Warren,

On our first visit to a swinger's club, we had no friggin idea what we were walking into. Honestly, I have not read any of the responses that you have received so far. But we had a great time, with each other, all of our fears were groundless. Yes, we did a full swap that night, didn't plan on it, my wife had fears, but I had no expectations. It was a great weekend. Go into the club with no expectations or fears, because there is no need to have them, no means no in a well run club. Just enjoy the sexy environment!

S

[interested-05]

you mentioned on premises clubs. we found for us anyway that an off premises club was a good intro. everyone was there to meet and find folks to play with but there was no pressure to have sex at the club. Easy to extricate yourself, if you arent ready to play. and you talk about expectations before heading to the hotel if you do meet someone
good luck and both of you enjoy yourselves

[JoCoCpl]

We did full swap the first time, but being fairly new ourselves, we certainly understand that some newbies would just want to have a same-room, own-spouse experience to get their feet wet. Like others have stated, we'd prefer knowing early on that this was the preference. Just as always, it comes down to communication and common courtesy. If a couple were to wait a couple of hours into our relatively rare evening out to let us know about this particular "limitation," we probably wouldn't be very happy with them. We're probably there with hopes of finding playmates, and while we're certainly willing to plant the seeds for future encounters, we'd prefer to know their intentions up front.

[PB&J]

I'd recommend off-premise as well, but the best off-premise one I know is in Burlington Ont, which is a long way from where you are.

Off-premise is nice because you can avoid making an impetuous decision that you wouldn't have made if you had to leave the place and go somewhere else. It might occasionally kill the mood, but on the other hand, you're less likely to end up doing something (or someone) just because you're there. Yes let people know upfront, but that shouldn't be a problem. Lots of people go to off-premise places not to hook up, but to dance dirty and socialize, and in our experience when you meet someone new there anyway, practically the first thing they say is "How long have you been in the lifestyle?" and then you can just take it from there.

[warrencouple]

On the "doing something just because we're there," the wife is still some jumpy about this. I doubt she'd let us do anything she / we aren't comfortable with. We had another heart-to-heart last night, in part because, well, my imagination was running ahead of the script, and trying to guess the ending.

Her biggest concern was disappointing, and hurting me. As I told her, while likely if she were to decide (hopefully after we go at least once) that this isn't for us, yes, I'd be disappointed, but not hurt. We're in this together, one way or the other.

I think I might suggest we go to one of the local off-premise tonight, just for the heck of it.


everyone!

Mr.

[BiloxiCouple]

Re: How do you feel about newbs who don't swap? I took the title of this thread and put it here and thought, "What about all the people that have been going to a club for years and don't swap?"

It's just not "newbs" that don't swap it's alot of couples.