Confused??

[shell610]

Short introduction, my SO and I are in our mid 40's have known each other for a while. My boyfriend is very interested in swinging and I must admit it is intriguing to me but...

He talks to me during sex and tells me how he would love to watch me with another man and be with him and another man, etc. that is really something I had never thought would be fun but the more he talked about it at the right times the more interested I got. Then one day around some other people the name of a man that I had a no strings fling came up and my bf and he grew up together....he knew nothing about the 2 of us and I had no idea they even knew each other. This no strings guy is a man that I would trust completely for a MFM and I know he would be game. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to try it I couldn't stop thinking about it. I tried to find his number and remember his email address but no luck, so my last option was to tell my bf and let him make the contact. My bf that day was all for it, thought it was a great idea and said he would call and talk with him, and now it has been a month and he has still not made contact with him....he has had a MFM experience before, I have not, but now he wants me to meet a couple that he knows that are swingers. I am interested in the thought of swinging I would just like to be introduced to it slowly with maybe this threesome and on my terms with someone I already know and desire and work my way up to meeting people for that purpose.

Meeting a couple that is experienced in this to me is intimidating. I feel like I would be competing with a woman with far less anxiety and much more experience than I have.


Any suggestions?

[fun4Ds]

Welcome to the Swingers Board Shell.

I hope you have, or will, read some of the forums here. Take some time, and have an informed decision in the choices you make now. You obviously have had a chance to be exposed somewhat, to the lifestyle. The swingers board is a place you will see allot of diverse viewpoints. From not only experienced older couples, but plenty of younger people here also.

I think for now you should see where you fit in at..... with all this. How do you feel about yourself ?

I feel like your guessing at how others feel., and thats by far, not a good thing.

I would hope, it was your boyfriend who really suggested you to think things out, like asking advice here on the swingers board. But I would just be guessing... Does he understand much about what you may have seen here on the board ? I would think you value our oppinions......

Do you think the couple you are possibly exposed to, has a good relationship and could offer good insight in a positive way, about your ideas you have now ?

[shell610]

Well, I feel I am very comfortable with myself, he and I communicate very well and are very open and honest with our feelings and sexuality. I knew he was very interested in swinging years ago when we met. My fantasy was for someone to watch me and him. And his long ago friend was the one I was wanting to do the watching....but I didn't know they even knew each other.

This is something I want to do and I want to do it with them...that is where I want to start anyway. He seems to be sidetracked now onto the thought of full swinging and I want to start here slowly, with him right there with me and someone I already know and am definitly attracted to. I have been sooooooo turned on thinking about it and now he has dropped the ball on making it happen.

I am sure if I met this couple, she and I could talk and that would help me out, but at this point I haven't met them yet and I have no other female to discuss this with.

[slevin]

It sounds to me like you've made up your mind of what you want to do and who you want to do it with. Seems like you're on here hoping that a bunch of people will agree with you and you can go back to your man armed with "being right". Just my impression.

Personally I think that playing with a guy you've already fooled around with and someone that your husband grew up with will be a mistake. Some people make swinging with friends work, but for me it's just not worth it. Given my personal experience the risks to the friendship isn't worth it and the history between you all can add a lot of drama that just doesn't need to be there. I think that either finding another couple or another single guy that you can start off with is the right thing to do.

Have you sat down and talked about this with your boyfriend? You and he need to talk openly about swinging, threesomes, expectations and everything that comes with that. Talk about what he wants, what you want, where you both see this going, what is important to you etc.

[fun4Ds]

If he dropped the ball with the gentleman you previously knew, I would think there is a reason. And that is something that needs to be considered and dealt with.

I don't know the commitment between you and your boyfriend. But I would think he feels there is a risk.

Hopefully, some of the truly special women who post here, will chime in and offer some advice. I think you do need to speak with some women, or a woman, about how you feel, as well as your partner.

Opening the lines of communication and having some insight is key to all of this now.

I do have one question.

Do you feel this particular old friend is all coincidence ?

[screaminggood]

From a woman's perspective: I think your enthusiasm to use an old flame may be your other's issue. Your history with the old flame makes the context different. It also changes the event from something you two do together to something that may be perceived as only for you. If he still wants to do it, I'd use a man that y'all choose together.

I respectfully suggest you think more about what your boyfriend is feeling, would be feeling. You have hesitations about doing a full swap because of your anxiety and lack of confidence around "experienced women," and yet, you're wondering why he's hesitating. Ever thought he might have similar feelings?

[JustAskJulie]

It sounds to me like there is a little push and pull going on here. You both want to swing... and you both want to be in control of how it happens and who with.

He was all for a MFM initially when he was in control of the idea. Now you've said yes to the idea and even laid out the who with. Now he's intimidated by the idea. Why? Because now you are in control. In addition to that, you've been with this guy before and that scares him and makes him worry that it will be a competition issue for him.

So now he's thinking that a Couple/Couple swap would be a better way to go, there would be no competition (in his mind) because everyone is coming to the table on equal grounds. However, you are looking at a couple/couple swap as a competition with another woman.

The thing is, swinging isn't about competion. It's about enjoying each other and sharing your fantasies together. Competition shouldn't be a factor in either of these scenarios. Until you can both get past this issue you really aren't ready to swing. As long as either of you are worried about competition, then the trust level between the two of you isn't really strong enough. You have to trust each other enough to know that your love is enough and that there is NO COMPETITION for that.

[ncmd_couple]

Shell,

Our first experience in swinging was a MFM with one of my wife's ex-lovers. So, I can fully understand your comfort level being with someone that you already know. From a male's viewpoint, I can understand that your SO is uncomfortable with doing it with someone that you have already been with. In my case, that was not a problem, but I surely understand his view. I hope that you share this thread with him and let him talk to you about it. My experience is that it is better if my wife pics the other partners. Then she is more comfortable because I don't have the limitations that she has.

S

[NCfuncouple98]

Originally Posted by shell610

This no strings guy is a man that I would trust completely for a MFM and I know he would be game. The more I thought about it the more I wanted to try it I couldn't stop thinking about it. I tried to find his number and remember his email address but no luck, so my last option was to tell my bf and let him make the contact. My bf that day was all for it, thought it was a great idea and said he would call and talk with him, and now it has been a month and he has still not made contact with him....I am interested in the thought of swinging I would just like to be introduced to it slowly with maybe this threesome and on my terms with someone I already know and desire and work my way up to meeting people for that purpose.

Meeting a couple that is experienced in this to me is intimidating. I feel like I would be competing with a woman with far less anxiety and much more experience than I have.


Any suggestions?

I certainly understand your comfort level. But to be honest, my husband and I also went through something very similar, and I did choose someone that I felt more comfortable with than he did. While this made it easier for me, I think it made it harder for him. And it did cause some jealousy issues and feelings on both sides that we had to deal with and talk through. Actually not so much jealousy, but "fear of the unknown" on his end, wondering what was on my mind. Was it really just sex, or was there something more behind it? These were the emotions he was going through. I honestly was only thinking "sex" - being very selfish, wanting it to be "comfortable" and "easy" for me, but never put myself in his shoes to see the other side.

Swinging will open up all emotions for both of you - it's just not that easy to go out and share your significant other! So you both have to be ok with the choice. In our case, we wish we hadn't. While you may have been comfortable with him sexually before, in a one-on-one setting, can you picture the two men with you at the same time? Can you picture giving this other man a blowjob while your man is fucking you, or vice versa?

It's easier to pick someone you've already had sex with or are that sexually attracted to, but it's completely different when you picture the two men pleasuring you together. Are you sure you are picturing him in that scenario?

My last piece of advice is to not push this. Do not push the boyfriend into sex with an ex-lover because YOU are comfortable. I do agree with him to find couples where you are on an even - playing field. If you feel jealousy tendencies, than spend more time discussing and exploring before you venture any further.

There can be NO control issues when talking about swinging . You must both be 100'% ok with swinging partners. And you have to respect each other enough that either one of you can say no at anytime, no questions asked. Be fair to each other.