Oral sex and partner expectations

[westcan]

I hope that this is not a stupid topic to bring up. My wife and I are now talking about visiting a on-premises club near our town for the first time. We have no swinging experience. Some of our concerns are that Ms. Westcan does not really like giving oral sex. And although she has a very giving and loving personality generally, in bed she prefers to let the man do all the work and be somewhat agressive while she prefers to be laid back and passive. Would this be dissappointing to other men? Oral sex has never been a big deal to me, but I think that most men would probably expect it. I ask because she is the first women I have ever been with that is not into giving oral sex, although it is probably not that uncommon. I know that the subject of oral sex is a concern to her in the lifestyle. Also, is it normal to ask her partner to wear a condom for oral sex if she does choose to try? She is quite shy to talk about sex, even with me, so it has taken us years to get a good feel for each other in bed. Another concern from my perspective is that although she is quite turned on at the idea of being "pounded" by one or more men, she feels she might get very jealous of seeing me with someone. I have told her many times that to me love and sex are very different and that I am 100 per cent certain that she is my only love and it would never change [she really is the best woman I have ever met in every way and I utterly adore her].

[athenagirl]

Wow... I'd be curious to hear what men have to say about this. Personally, I love giving blow jobs and I always have. But that's just me. I'm sure there are men for whom getting a blow job isn't the be-all and end-all. (But I've met very few of them!)

[ViSexual]

Well, I can't speak for anyone but myself, but, I'm not that into receiving oral.

In fact, during the oral stage of sex I find that the lady's reciprocating to be distracting.

So, guys, lets let the lady know just what percentage of us would feel like we were cheated if we didn't get that reciprocation, OK?

One vote 'no'!

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by westcan

Some of our concerns are that Ms. Westcan does not really like giving oral sex.

Oral sex, my dear Alberta couple, is not expected at an on-premise club. No sex of any kind is, in fact, required. The only expectation is to have fun.

There are certainly men who will express disappointment if they don't get exactly what they want. But your wife won't need these -- most men are not burdened with the belief that a blow job is the ultimate goal of an intimate encounter.

~Michael

[MrkLin]

What they said^^^.

I also think it's very reasonable to just let the guy know that you're not into that if you're asked about it.

It's also not uncommon for some couples to 'save something' for themselves. What I mean is, some couples won't kiss a playmate because they want to keep that for themselves. Some won't do oral, and some will do everything but actual penetration.

What I'm getting at is that a woman not going down on a man isn't all that uncommon.

[IvoryTowers]

Originally Posted by westcan

And although she has a very giving and loving personality generally, in bed she prefers to let the man do all the work and be somewhat aggressive while she prefers to be laid back and passive. Would this be disappointing to other men?

I'm not a man, so I can't really address this, but from reading other threads it seems to me that most men in swinging aren't going to do "all the work." Your wife should be aware that men as well as women can have nerves, or drink a bit much, or be tired, and that can show up in a lack of or slow to appear erection.

You may not even get to this point, but if you do decide to full swap, your wife may find that laying back and being passive will result in a complete lack of fun for both parties. She should be ready to fondle, stroke and compliment!

Finally, at least in my (admitted limited) experience, most men in swinging won't be "aggressive" in any way, because they are very aware that they are having sex with a brand new partner, and someone else's wife to boot! They will ask permission, they will proceed gently, and they will look for cues from her. Now, you might mean "take charge" rather than literally be aggressive, but again, your wife should be ready to give verbal and physical cues that let the guy know he's doing good stuff! She might not need to stick his dick down her throat, but she should be encouraging and responsive, maybe more so than with you, since you know her cues and the new man won't.

[exploringRM]

I love oral sex, but it's never expected and even my wife probably does it less than more, depends on the mood. If my play partner told me, sorry I don't do oral, I would be fine with that. There have been times where the woman I'm with does oral, but I don't let it go to long...want to avoid finishing early One benefit to oral (experienced this as well as read in other postings) is it can get a guy hard when needed. This can be a remedy to the guy being nervous and not quite hard yet, or he's cum once already and needs to get ready to go again.

[iapr]

The jealousy issue is the one that has the potential to cause the most concern here. that is something that will need to be addressed before moving forward regardless of what sexual techniques anyone brings to the table.

The first question I ask people when there are jealousy issues is does that person have a valid reason to be jealous or concerned? Do either of you have a history of infidelity or are either one of you dissatisfied at home and are looking at swinging as way to pursue what you are not getting at home or is this a first step towards possibly looking for someone else as a replacement?

If the answer to any of those is yes then there is a valid concern there and those issues will need to be addressed and taken care of before you give any thought to swinging at all.

If the answers to all of those questions is no and there is no rational reason whatsoever for someone to be concerned then you just need to be understanding and compassionate and move at a pace that is comfortable for everyone and see where things go. If you move forward at very slow baby steps and stop the moment someone feels uncomfortable then it is something that can be worked on and alliviated over time.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by westcan

in bed she prefers to let the man do all the work and be somewhat agressive while she prefers to be laid back and passive. Would this be dissappointing to other men?

Originally Posted by IvoryTowers

Finally, at least in my (admitted limited) experience, most men in swinging won't be "aggressive" in any way, because they are very aware that they are having sex with a brand new partner, and someone else's wife to boot! They will ask permission, they will proceed gently, and they will look for cues from her. Now, you might mean "take charge" rather than literally be aggressive, but again, your wife should be ready to give verbal and physical cues that let the guy know he's doing good stuff! She might not need to stick his dick down her throat, but she should be encouraging and responsive, maybe more so than with you, since you know her cues and the new man won't.

Yea this was a red flag to me, in fact there are a lot of red flags here.

First, I'd think a rule for swinging is that you have to be somewhat into sex. She doesn't sound like its her thing. A wet fish in bed is going to be sending a lot of negative signals to the male partners brain.

Is she really into me? Is she into this? Is her husband forcing her into swinging? Why is she just laying there? Boy my wife is having a good time over there, I wish I was. Hey do you think the Cubs will coke this year? I'm hungry.

After a few of these you might find that you are then posting things like 'Why can't guys keep it up for swinging?' or 'Swinging sex not very good?'

she might get very jealous of seeing me with someone. I have told her many times that to me love and sex are very different and that I am 100 per cent certain that she is my only love and it would never change [she really is the best woman I have ever met in every way and I utterly adore her].

The vibe I get is she isn't quite ready for swinging. Personally I'd teach her how to take a little more initiative in bed (you can learn these things), and make sure she knows in her heart (the head doesn't matter) that she is #1.

[iapr]

Now as far as the oral sex thing, people come to the club with the set of skills, techniques and preferences that they have and should not be focused on what they aren't into.

When you make your first trip to a club you should set your sights on meeting some new people, mingling on a social level while enjoying the sexual energy that can come from an environment like a club. Do some dancing, maybe some flirting and just getting acquianted with some people and just see where the attraction and chemistry takes you. The chances are the first time you are there you will not meet anyone that she would even want to hold hands with let alone give a blow job or get "pounded" anyway.

Focus on interacting with people and getting tuned in to the level of attraction and chemistry you feel with them and go where that takes you as opposed to focussing on specific sex acts. When you meet someone and there is an attraction and chemistry let that flow to what ever level it takes you. With some people it will just be "hello" followed soon by "nice to meet you, have a nice evening." Other people it may involve some flirting or dancing. some people may involve some smooching or even making out and some people even up to "pounding."

Do not introduce yourself by saying "hi my name is ______ and I don't do oral." Just go with the flow and let the chemistry take you to where ever it takes you. do what you want to do as long as it is consensual and don't do what you don't want to do. It really is as simple as that.

Will there be people that reject you for not blowing them? Absolutely. Just as there will be people that will reject you because you hair is too long while others will because your hair is too short. Some will reject you cause you are too tall and too skinny while others will because you are too short and fat. I could go on and on but you get my point.

Swinging is a game of a thousand rejections but it is sure a lot of fun when the stars line up and things work out

[iapr]

Originally Posted by IvoryTowers

Finally, at least in my (admitted limited) experience, most men in swinging won't be "aggressive" in any way, because they are very aware that they are having sex with a brand new partner, and someone else's wife to boot! They will ask permission, they will proceed gently, and they will look for cues from her. .

This is another good point that will also be more of an issue than the oral. Most men we have encountered are very passive and will not take any initiative with a woman that is not at bare minimum showing an interest. No one wants to be that guy that gets labeled as "aggressive" and while there are men that will be ok with "doing all the work" (your words not mine) they will at least need a definative green light from her that all of his efforts and labors will be welcomed and appreciated.

In the swinging world it is typically the females that are the initiators and the ones to get things going both socially as well as sexually. If she is just a bump on a log this may be kind of a long rough road for you. If you are the one that is doing all the talking and setting everything up, people will think that you are just trying to use her as bait so you can score and that it is all about you and that won't go over very well at all.


Put yourself in the other couples shoes, you are in a club full of people and the other women are sexually adventurous and assertive and are willing to take some initiative to pursue what they want. Are you going to want to party with them or are you going to want to party with a couple where the female half is appearing to be sexually inert and uninterested and unwilling to discuss any sexual topics or lift a finger to make anything happen. Who are you going to want to play with?

I'm not saying that to be meanspirited or to put anyone down, but I agree with Chicup, in order to get anything out of swinging you do need to be somewhat sexually oriented and responsive.

[drivebycoder]

I'm just going to go with a pretty basic response.

I'm a big fan of reciprocation, if I kiss someone, I expect to get the feeling that they are kissing me back. If I go down on a girl, I would expect some kind of sexual equivelancy, either a blowjob, rimjob, or some other kind of foreplay to get the mood flowing and make sure that both of us are there for the same reason.

Of course, on the other hand, I also understand that it is fun sometimes to just do things for the randomness factor, such as a gloryhole. So it is understandable under the right circumstances to not expect anything in return for a sexual act.

Perhaps out in the open room, a woman is holding a sign that reads "Come have a taste of my warm apple pie", and being friendly, she is letting anyone who is interested come up and taste her apple pie...

A lot of expectation comes from the setting, but i usually prefer an even exchange when in bed with someone.

[BiloxiCouple]

Originally Posted by westcan

I hope that this is not a stupid topic to bring up. My wife and I are now talking about visiting a on-premises club near our town for the first time. We have no swinging experience. Some of our concerns are that Ms. Westcan does not really like giving oral sex. And although she has a very giving and loving personality generally, in bed she prefers to let the man do all the work and be somewhat agressive while she prefers to be laid back and passive. Would this be dissappointing to other men? Oral sex has never been a big deal to me, but I think that most men would probably expect it. I ask because she is the first women I have ever been with that is not into giving oral sex, although it is probably not that uncommon. I know that the subject of oral sex is a concern to her in the lifestyle. Also, is it normal to ask her partner to wear a condom for oral sex if she does choose to try? She is quite shy to talk about sex, even with me, so it has taken us years to get a good feel for each other in bed. Another concern from my perspective is that although she is quite turned on at the idea of being "pounded" by one or more men, she feels she might get very jealous of seeing me with someone. I have told her many times that to me love and sex are very different and that I am 100 per cent certain that she is my only love and it would never change [she really is the best woman I have ever met in every way and I utterly adore her].

My wife is similar at times to this. No one can make her do something she doesn't want to do. First rule in the lifestyle, No Means No. If they don't understand that, move on.

Take your time with this. There are alot of emotions involved and jealousy and being insecure are some of them. Go slow and talk about it.

[cplnuswing]

Originally Posted by westcan

I hope that this is not a stupid topic to bring up. My wife and I are now talking about visiting a on-premises club near our town for the first time. We have no swinging experience. Some of our concerns are that Ms. Westcan does not really like giving oral sex. And although she has a very giving and loving personality generally, in bed she prefers to let the man do all the work and be somewhat agressive while she prefers to be laid back and passive. Would this be dissappointing to other men? Oral sex has never been a big deal to me, but I think that most men would probably expect it.

Another vote here for no. Not expected, and not a deal at all if it doesn't happen.

Originally Posted by westcan

Another concern from my perspective is that although she is quite turned on at the idea of being "pounded" by one or more men, she feels she might get very jealous of seeing me with someone.

This is something you need to talk through, which it sounds like you are. You are on the right track of deciding to start by visiting a club. Check things out, socialize, and then just go as far as you are comfortable. If she's feeling jealousy when you are flirting with another woman, then stop. If that's ok but she feels it when you are dancing with someone else, then stop things there. Basically, just go at the pace of the slowest person, and then talk about things and how they made each of you feel. Jealousy is a legitimate concern, especially at first, and anybody who tells you neither one has ever felt the slightest twinge is probably lying to both you and themselves.

Don't pay any attention to meeting anybody else's "standards" other than your own. If her style is more passive (which btw, most understand does not automatically equal not interested in sex), then don't try to suddenly adopt a style that will be obviously not a good fit for her. That is when the red flags would come out - when someone is putting on an act and doing an understandably poor job of it because it is so unnatural for them. If she encounters someone who HAS to have oral, or HAS to have an assertive female partner, then those are their issues, not her's. When the time comes to discuss those sort of things, she should just be up front about what she is interested in, and then if they aren't interested, oh well. Plenty of others out there who will be interested.

Really the best piece of piece of advice is maybe to just put the whole oral issue on the sidelines for now, go the club with the understanding that there are no expectations for that night, and just see how things go. She may decide after that the whole scene isn't for her, or she may like it and be interested in talking about things more to iron out your rules as a couple and maybe try the next step.

You all sound like you are on the right track, just be patient, talk, go slow, and realize that you don't need to meet anyone's standards other than your own and there is no one size fits all approach.

[NCfuncouple98]

Mrs NC here. You know, years ago, my husband could've said the same thing about me. I was very passive, wasn't that into giving oral sex. Missionary style was the norm.

Mr. NC was very patient with this, but over time, guided me over my insecurities and opened my mind to try new things. I didn't watch porn, didn't own any toys, and was perfectly content with our sex life.

OMG, the things I know now and the years I wasted. And while I still love the man to be the "take charge" participant, I have no problems anymore with giving oral, climbing on top, voicing my desires, etc.

So, is she really just "not into it"? Or could it be that she has her own insecurities about sex in general. Is she insecure about her body? Insecure that she is not good at giving oral?

I would recommend that before you jump into the swinging world, spend more time together exploring each other, understanding each other's desires, fantasies, fears, wants, likes, dislikes, etc.

I think you two need to be more secure as a couple and your sexuality before inviting anyone into the bedroom. You mentioned she feels she might get jealous. This really means she's not quite ready for swingiing with other couples.

Go to the club, but only to watch initially. Go more than once. Have sex with only each other at the end of the night. Then, talk about the experience, and thoughts that were running through your minds.

Jumping into swinging too soon can be harmful to both you as individuals and you as a couple. Proceed slowly with caution. And open up and talk about everything. And I do mean everything.