Oral sex and partner expectations

[westcan]

Finally, at least in my (admitted limited) experience, most men in swinging won't be "aggressive" in any way, because they are very aware that they are having sex with a brand new partner, and someone else's wife to boot! They will ask permission, they will proceed gently, and they will look for cues from her. Now, you might mean "take charge" rather than literally be aggressive, but again, your wife should be ready to give verbal and physical cues that let the guy know he's doing good stuff! She might not need to stick his dick down her throat, but she should be encouraging and responsive, maybe more so than with you, since you know her cues and the new man won't.[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry. You are right. I did not mean "agressive". That is probably too strong. I meant a guy who was more confident and directive. She is not particularly encouraging or complimentary, hence the need for some confidence in the man. This really comes from her shyness and her being quite conservative in nature. However, she is also not critical and seems very willing to go with the flow in bed. She may even be fine in bed with giving oral sex once she got going as she takes it just fine when I wave it in front of her in the heat of the moment. I am far from agressive and have adapted my approach to be more assertive in bed, which is probably not natural for me. I still don't know what her "cues" are.

[westcan]

Your story is encouraging. I think that my wife is really starting to blossom sexually and I am excited to be with her for the ride.

[JustAskJulie]

To me, the oral issue is the least of your concerns.

Bigger concerns:

It is not uncommon for one partner to be less aggressive than another. However, as others indicated when it comes to a woman who just lays back and expects the guy to just go at it with little to no input from her. She is often considered a "dead fish". Guys (and girls alike) want to know that what they are doing is being appreciated and that the person recieving their attentions is enjoying them.

My husband is a more passive type when it comes to initiating the sex. For him, he needs a woman who is more aggressive in letting him know that she is really interested. I've not had a woman yet that I let know this that failed to let him know that she was interested. However, from the sounds of it we would not click very well with you and your wife (for this reason). That said, there probably are guys are who more than happy to be the aggressor when given permission. But, what you have to watch out for is that if you (as the guy) are the one telling the other guy that he needs to be aggressive, this could be misconstrued to mean that she's not really ready to be there (or doesn't want to be there). This is another double standard in swinging... no one thinks twice if the woman is asked to be more aggressive.

Jealousy - if she is jealous of seeing you with other women and this is something that you want to enjoy. Then the two of you need to keep talking before anything happens. The jealousy needs to be worked through before you proceed. Find the root cause and deal with it.

Now, that said when I combine these two issues together, I come back with the thought that you may be best to start out with MFM interactions. You will often find that single guys will be more aggressive in general, and often not think twice about a woman who is very passive (honestly, many single guys won't think twice about much of anything when sex is involved).

What it all comes down to is that at some point your wife is going to have to get to the point where she can verabalize (or physically express) her needs/wants.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

She is often considered a "dead fish".

You know when I wrote my reply I was thinking 'wet fish' just didn't look right yet my brain decided to cramp up.

wet fish.....right there Mr. Chicup, whatever you say

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by westcan

...Ms. Westcan does not really like giving oral sex...Oral sex has never been a big deal to me, but I think that most men would probably expect it...she is the first women I have ever been with that is not into giving oral sex, although it is probably not that uncommon.

From our experience all women we've been with gave MrLM oral sex, and he didn't have to prompt them to do it either. He loves oral and I love giving oral to men. So my feeling is that it is more common that women who swing enjoy giving oral to men.

...she prefers to let the man do all the work and be somewhat agressive while she prefers to be laid back and passive. Would this be dissappointing to other men?

Yes, I think so, unless you choose males who are looking for a wham bam thank you ma'am experience; guys who want to quickly lose their load in any woman willing to take them.

Also, is it normal to ask her partner to wear a condom for oral sex if she does choose to try?

Men wearing a condom for oral sex is almost unheard of mainly because it can be difficult for a man to reach climax with a condom during oral and because most women hate the taste of a condom. MrLM and I tried this before we began swinging. We used a flavored condom thinking it would be more palatable; it wasn't. I decided then never again. If your wife doesn't enjoy a naked cock in her mouth she isn't likely to enjoy it any better with a condom on...and the man will know it.

She is quite shy to talk about sex, even with me, so it has taken us years to get a good feel for each other in bed. Another concern from my perspective is that although she is quite turned on at the idea of being "pounded" by one or more men, she feels she might get very jealous of seeing me with someone.

There is so much more to sex and particularly to swinging than just getting "pounded." I think who your wife is and what she imagines herself in her fantasy is still too far apart to become reality. A bridge needs to be built first. She'd have to build it through more sexual exploration with you first.

And her concern at being jealous seeing you with another woman, in my opinion that's the final sign that she's not yet ready to swing.

I'd suggest attending clubs to observe how other swingers socially interact and flirt. Expand your own sexual play at home or play alone together at clubs. Try new things with each other first. Does she enjoy giving you hand jobs? Ask her to seduce you at home and be the aggressor for a change. And give oral a darn good try, you might find you like it and so will your wife, in time.

Good luck!

LM

[PB&J]

Originally Posted by Chicup

You know when I wrote my reply I was thinking 'wet fish' just didn't look right yet my brain decided to cramp up.

wet fish.....right there Mr. Chicup, whatever you say

My husband prefers the term "starfish"... arms and legs spread wide, and that's all, folks! We've met a few in the lifestyle...

[westcan]

Originally Posted by athenagirl

Wow... I'd be curious to hear what men have to say about this. Personally, I love giving blow jobs and I always have. But that's just me. I'm sure there are men for whom getting a blow job isn't the be-all and end-all. (But I've met very few of them!)

I'd like to think that if I was a girl, I'd love to give blowjobs too.

[westcan]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

To me, the oral issue is the least of your concerns.

Bigger concerns:

It is not uncommon for one partner to be less aggressive than another. However, as others indicated when it comes to a woman who just lays back and expects the guy to just go at it with little to no input from her. She is often considered a "dead fish". Guys (and girls alike) want to know that what they are doing is being appreciated and that the person recieving their attentions is enjoying them.

My husband is a more passive type when it comes to initiating the sex. For him, he needs a woman who is more aggressive in letting him know that she is really interested. I've not had a woman yet that I let know this that failed to let him know that she was interested. However, from the sounds of it we would not click very well with you and your wife (for this reason). That said, there probably are guys are who more than happy to be the aggressor when given permission. But, what you have to watch out for is that if you (as the guy) are the one telling the other guy that he needs to be aggressive, this could be misconstrued to mean that she's not really ready to be there (or doesn't want to be there). This is another double standard in swinging... no one thinks twice if the woman is asked to be more aggressive.

Jealousy - if she is jealous of seeing you with other women and this is something that you want to enjoy. Then the two of you need to keep talking before anything happens. The jealousy needs to be worked through before you proceed. Find the root cause and deal with it.

Now, that said when I combine these two issues together, I come back with the thought that you may be best to start out with MFM interactions. You will often find that single guys will be more aggressive in general, and often not think twice about a woman who is very passive (honestly, many single guys won't think twice about much of anything when sex is involved).

What it all comes down to is that at some point your wife is going to have to get to the point where she can verabalize (or physically express) her needs/wants.

That is some good advise. I get the feeling from reading many of the posts that the women are often the members of the lifestyle couples that run the show and the husbands, while not necessarily passive, kind of go along with the flow. I think I understand the psychology behind it and why it would be quite successful that way and feel that we are a bit different from others (with a passive woman who would enjoy sex with lots of different me), although that's probably not the case at all.

While I do think that my wife is the more jealous of the two of us, I'm not sure that an MFM would work for me(although it might, who knows). I'm worried about feeling left out or a bit jealous, but I'd probably be ok.

I don't think she's a "dead fish" at all and most guys would have a great time with her. She's really up for anything in bed, but positive affirmation and encouragement of her partner are not her strong suits though - just not her nature or upbringing. But she's come a long way since we met five years ago.

[westcan]

Originally Posted by PB&J

My husband prefers the term "starfish"... arms and legs spread wide, and that's all, folks! We've met a few in the lifestyle...

that's funny you should mention that. I onlly found out last week that her favorite position is on her back with her legs straight up over my shoulders. I asked her why she didn't tell me before. Anyhow, not quite a starfish.

[westcan]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

From our experience all women we've been with gave MrLM oral sex, and he didn't have to prompt them to do it either. He loves oral and I love giving oral to men. So my feeling is that it is more common that women who swing enjoy giving oral to men.

That is what I certainly would have thought. When we first discussed the idea of "swinging" earlier in 2008, one of the first things she pondered was having to give her guy a blowjob.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Yes, I think so, unless you choose males who are looking for a wham bam thank you ma'am experience; guys who want to quickly lose their load in any woman willing to take them. .

I think that she would actually be turned on by this

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Men wearing a condom for oral sex is almost unheard of mainly because it can be difficult for a man to reach climax with a condom during oral and because most women hate the taste of a condom. MrLM and I tried this before we began swinging. We used a flavored condom thinking it would be more palatable; it wasn't. I decided then never again. If your wife doesn't enjoy a naked cock in her mouth she isn't likely to enjoy it any better with a condom on...and the man will know it. .

I tend to agree with you there. Last year I said why don't I wear a condom to have you practise giving blowjobs to see if you grow to like it. She hated the taste also. Part of me thinks that given a chance, she might be a real tiger and surprise me if she finds a guy she really clicks with.

Good advise about visiting clubs and just hanging out. I do think we'll get there eventually, but may not yet be totally ready. I'm in no hurry and neither of us is really pushing this along at all, only keeping the lines of communication open and seeing where it leads.

[PB&J]

Originally Posted by westcan

that's funny you should mention that. I onlly found out last week that her favorite position is on her back with her legs straight up over my shoulders. I asked her why she didn't tell me before. Anyhow, not quite a starfish.

Oh, that's not starfish... need to be flat on the bed for starfish...

and oh yes.. legs over shoulders. Always good!

[LOL_OMG]

Answering the thread title. If Mrs. Lol and I were with another couple and that female said she was not into oral sex at all then the party would probably stop there. To me it's a major ingrediant of sex and Mrs. Lol is a big reason because she's very good. Before anyone asks, yes I will go down on any woman I'm with as long as she is clean and will enjoy it immensly. The poster asked a valid question so I feel he deserves an honest answer.

Mr. Lol

[The Fuse]

To the OP: yeah, sorry, if a woman really just didn't want to do oral, we would probably consider that a big negative in deciding whether to play. I know that no one should do anything they don't want to do, and that applies to your wife. You can certainly have good swinging experiences no matter what your tastes, but you deserve an honest answer, so you should know that a lot of people will be a bit put off by this. It is best to be upfront about it with potential playmates. There are definitely guys to whom it will not matter.

If she were otherwise very expressive of her desire for her swinging partner, and showed him how much she wanted him by being very excited or by being active in bed, that might make up for it. But if she didn't want to do oral and also didn't show Mr. Fuse that she desired him, the lack of evident desire would be worse for him. He doesn't need a blow job. But in order to enjoy swinging, he has to know beyond a doubt that his playmate wants him.

I'm sorry if this is a bit harsh. Just being honest. I'm tired and can't quite come up with a good way to soften what I said above. However, if she is turned on by the thought of taking several men, maybe you could start with some variation on that theme, if you think she would like to actually do it in addition to fantasizing about it. I know that would leave you out somewhat, but it could start her on the road to widening her sexual tastes. Before doing that, you should make sure it is something she actually wants, rather than a fantasy she wouldn't like to see come true.

Thank you for bringing this up and starting your thread. I hope you will let us know what develops.

[Chicup]

You know oddly I didn't think of this.

We did play with one couple where the wife didn't do oral. They didn't give us this rule until we were naked in our hotel room, and I was willing to roll with it.

She just laid there dead fish style and it was the most boring sex I've had, ever. It was the one time I really had to concentrate to keep little Mr. Chicup up. I don't know how I forgot about that night until now in this thread, but it was the most forgettable sex ever. Maybe it wasn't a coincidence.

[2plus2fun]

Originally Posted by NCfuncouple98

open up and talk about everything. And I do mean everything.

That is the best advice any new couple can get... communication is KEY! Lack of communication leads to all sorts of issues in a relationship.

As far as oral goes... I don't think that is an issue... how does she feel about using her hand? A little lube and a firm grip can outdo a blowjob anyday in my book.

Only the people you should avoid "expect" anything... the best swinging experiences are always the ones that aren't forced and if you are forcing yourself to do something you will regret it later.