Doubts and More!!!

[Joebarchuck]

Hello everyone,

I am writing this thread hoping I will be able to get constructive advice on my questions and doubts. I do understand sharing your partner is not for everyone and I do understand that some couples love it and it makes their relationship stronger, filled with excitment and joy but others are destroyed by it.

Let me tell you a bit more about us: we are a relatively new relationship less than 6 months. We both love each other very much and before we started dating I remember my girlfriend mentionning she was thinking about a threesome with another man. I brought it up multiple times during sex as a fantasy and we were both turned on then we started to talk about it outside of sex and that is when all the questions start to come...

Her current position: I don't need a threesome to be happy with you. I love you and our sex life is great I would rather not do it and focus on us.

My position: I'd like to do it as I really get turned on by the idea but I don't want to imagine this when we have children at least young ones so it would have to be before, therefore soon.

The situation: She mentionned she knows a guy she used to have great recreational sex with that would totally do it. She says she has never felt any sort of romantic love for him just lust as he seems to be a muscular guy. The sex in between them was great and she said with him she knows she would not have any emotions involved.

I am just scared that I am turned on by the idea not the actual threesome. I need help in how to figure out if I would really want this or not and I forgot I am usually a jaleous person but with her I think I feel confortable as she would not confuse sex and love.

So a few questions:

How do you know if you are part of the people that will enjoy it or get destroyed by it?

Having an ex involved is that a good or bad idea knowing the ex was only one for sex and no love was ever involved?

What limits should we fix to keep our relationship ours? (For example no kissing, etc...)

Thank you for any help we can get.

[burton]

Hello, I'm fairly new hear myself but can offer some insight as the only swinging experience I have has been MFM with my present spouse of 8 years.
I think that the fact that you are in the early stages of your relationship should dictate that a little more time be taken to talk about this an seek more information, so good on you for coming here and looking for help. The people here are great and you will get alot of good advice straight from the heart.
I also think that seeing as you girl says she doesn't need to do it and you are enough speaks volumes as well.
Lastly as far as jealousy goes the only way you may know is to experience it, so if you do go ahead do it with rules in place so that at any given point anyone can call a stop to the action.
Good luck and welcome to the swingers board...Burton

[BiloxiCouple]

Originally Posted by Jobarchuck

How do you know if you are part of the people that will enjoy it or get destroyed by it?

Having an ex involved is that a good or bad idea knowing the ex was only one for sex and no love was ever involved?

What limits should we fix to keep our relationship ours? (For example no kissing, etc...)

Only you know if you are part of couple who will enjoy it or get destroyed by it. If one half of a couple doesn't want to - destruction. If both willingly go at it - success (maybe).

An ex or friend or co-worker is usually considered a very bad idea. For alot of reasons.

Limits? You need to talk about this. First rule/limit No Means No. Anytime anywhere. To keep your relationship yours? You are thinking about letting some guy fuck your wife and you are worried about kissing to keep the relationship yours or idea to that affect? And the kissing rule among newbies is a rule they seem to bring up and the first one they throw away. Physically you are sharing at some level your wife and you with others all the time. Mentally - the relationship is all yours, if no one comes between that, you will always do well.

[Joebarchuck]

Thank you for your answers. I was wondering are there couples that were totally destroyed by such an experience? If so can they talk a bit about why.

Thank you

[JustAskJulie]

You've only been together 6 months!
you feel that if you are going to do this it has to before kids are in the picture.

What's the rush? Is she already pregnant?

Take some time and really solidify your relationship. The more solid the foundation is the less likely you will be one of those couples who are torn apart by swinging. And if either of you is not feeling that it is something they want to do at this time, then you shouldn't do it. She has the right attitude. Focus on you as a couple right now. Just because she was thinking about it before with another guy doesn't mean that she wants to do it with you. That was a different relationship and from the sounds of it one where she was not as into the guy she was with (or she'd still be with him!?).

Focus on your relationship together, grow it, build it, and make sure you have a strong foundation. You can have a threesome anytime and whether or not kids are in the picture later, if you both want to do it, it's not going to be an issue.

If there are doubts/reservations then you probably shouldn't do it...

[IvoryTowers]

It is unlikely that you will find people on this board who have been utterly destroyed by swinging and are still posting regularly, so although I understand your desire to gather information, I wouldn't expect too much from that angle.

I think that getting into swinging even before the 6 month mark is drastically rushing things and probably will not end well (unless both of you were swingers before and knew that about each other). You should still be in the throes of NRE (new relationship energy) still focused on exploring each other! And I agree with Julie--what's the rush? Please tell me you aren't planning on having children with someone you started dating 5 months ago!

I'm still new to this, but Mr. Ivory and I talked about and researched swinging for longer than your entire relationship. We had a solid foundation of love, respect and trust. We understood each others' principles, beliefs and reactions to stress. And we still had some pretty big arguments once we got going.

While it is possible that a brand new relationship could thrive on swinging, I think it is much more likely that the stress will cause it to crack or tear apart.

[Joebarchuck]

Thank you for the answers posted here.

To answer some questions asked, no we are not planning on having children before two years as we have to grow our relationship before we go into such a big step.

From what I first read, I think it is important for us to get to know each other better and make sure we grow our relationship and trust. My girlfriend is someone I care deeply for and therefore I would never want to do anything that could risk the relationship.

Thank you for all your advices and if anyone else has experiences to share on their first time and advices, I am hear to read and listen to you.

[cplnuswing]

Ditto on what others have said, it is WAY too early to be introducing swinging into your relationship. A prerequisite to even considering swinging should be a relationship that has stayed solid after already been tested with life's assorted trials and tribulations. I just have a hard time believing that has occurred in six months.

Look in the First Time Experiences Subforum and you will find a lot of people's takes on what their first time was like. Most if not all of them though are going to be coming from a different perspective, in that their relationship was a little more seasoned to start with, so be careful trying to draw too many parallels about how things went for them compared to how they might go for you and your girlfriend.

Everyone probably has had doubts at one time or another, and ended up being successful at it or else tried it and got out with no regrets, so you having doubts in and of itself doesn't necessarily rule it out. But, doubts together with young relationship together with propensity for jealousy would seem to be a volatile mix that could blow up the budding relationship you both seem to value a lot. Probably best left a fantasy at this point.

[ncmd_couple]

Joebarchuck,

You two are way too early in your relationship to be thinking about this. Fantasy, yes, that is a good thing. But the two of you need a lot of time and a lot of life behind you before you can answer those questions between yourselves. You have the time, and you have us to talk to as you move forward in your relationship.

S

[MrkLin]

Yeah, I'm with them up there ^^^.

You're thinking about it - she isn't. 'Nuff said, really.

You've been dating for 6 months - you don't even let each other see each other go to the bathroom yet. I'll bet you two think neither of you has gas either. (Come on, admit it - you hold it in until she leaves - well, she does too.)

I'm not picking on you - please know that. Everything I just typed above was what my now sister in law said to me the first time I talked to her on the phone when Lin told her we were getting married. That was 21 years ago this March.

What's my point? Simply this - you two do what you know is right for you - and by that I mean both of you. If she doesn't want to explore the fantasy of more than one man, then you have to respect that, and leave it be. It's your fantasy - not hers. Recognize that and let it go. It is her body, after all. She'll be the final judge of who gets to see/sample it.

[NCfuncouple98]

Originally Posted by Joebarchuck

How do you know if you are part of the people that will enjoy it or get destroyed by it?

What limits should we fix to keep our relationship ours? (For example no kissing, etc...)

Thank you for any help we can get.

Strong, secure, open, honest couples are the ones that are not destroyed by swinging. So how does a couple become strong, secure, open and honest? By opening their hearts to each other. By talking about everything under the sun, fears, doubts, fantasies, and everything in between. Because at the end of the day, you're coming home to each other, the one that you want to spend your life with. Swinging cannot destroy such a couple.

I am not judging you by the fact that you have been together only 6 months. My husband and I have known each other 19 years, and been together 13. Once the idea of swinging was discussed, it literally took us 6 months to really open up to each other. And we thought we were always open and honest before! And through our discussions, boy did we find out so much we didn't know, about ourselves and each other.

So I would say before you consider jumping from fantasy to reality, you both would have to spend a lot more time getting deep into each other's hearts and souls.

You mentioned that she brought up that she was "thinking" about a threesome, and then talk about an ex. So it sounds like she may have an interest, but you don't know if it's just a hot fantasy or not.

She also told you she "doesn't need a threesome to be happy with you". Good answer from her! No one should ever "need" an outsider in the bedroom. It is for pleasure and enjoyment and exploration of sexuality. Yes, it may fulfill a physical need, but that's in addition to your own sex life together.

Keep reading through these boards. There's a lot of experience to pull from. And keep talking to each other. Don't make any decisions either way yet - take the time to explore each other and see where it leads.

[iapr]

Here's a few random thoughts and tidbits of info and then I'll address some of your actual questions.

- Your GF's current position is healthy and reasonable. If she enjoys the fantasy and discussion but wants to focus on the reality of your relationship, I think that is a healthy balance. Score one for her.

- As far as your position on swinging and kids, when we started swinging we had a toddler and a preschooler. Finding sitters is a pain but we love getting out for some grown up time and we look forward to our dates. Gotta news flash for you, parents are sexual beings too and it's not just the young and single folks that enjoy a good romp in the hay. No points for you.

Now as far as differentiating between if swinging will be a good thing or a bad thing. IMHO if you are both working together for the mutual benifit of your relationship and there is an equal balance of decision making power and you are acting in a sane, sober and responsible manner then how can it be bad? If one of you is doing it for your exclusive benifit without regard to the other person's interests then it will all come crashing down.

As far as her ex fuck buddy, BAD IDEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No actually it's not a bad idea, it's a TERRIBLE IDEA!!!!!! To save bandwidth lets just say there are lots and lots of reasons that is a terrible idea. If you want to swing as a couple do some research and find some real swingers to start with and go from there. If a few years down the road and you each know what your interests and limits are and you know how the game is played and you have exectional communication skills then maybe bringing in an old fuck buddy can work but DO NOT use him or any other friend, coworker, nieghbor or any other vanilla to be your cherry popper. Swing with swingers and keep your vanillas out of your bedroom.

As far as limits rules etc etc, discussing them is part of the process. Everyone will need to discuss their comfort levels and boundries, rules etc and they will change and evolve over time.


The actual rules are not as important as the discussions about the rules.

[Joebarchuck]

I want to thank you all for the inputs in your answers. After discussing more with my girlfriend I think we both agree we need to keep this a fantasy for now and as such.

We need to do some more exploring together and I mean this in all sense of the word such as sex, emotions, emotional intimacy and the love we have for each other.

I will continue to read answers posted.

Thank you

[sexcupid]

As iapr so succinctly put it...parents are sexual beings as well.

My curiosity is to why you feel it is ok to think about these things now and find them hot...but it wouldn't be ok to think/do/find hot after having children (and I assume being married)?

The majority of folks in the LS are married (many long term) and have (or have had) children. There are some that are just in a long term relationship (but I think we are in the minority) and/or child-free. Why should having hot sex, possibly including others, be separate from having children? Are you under the impression that once children enter the picture that you and her will no longer have hot sex or fantasies? And last, I just want to say that women are not the only ones who can be indoctrinated by religious teachings or societal pressures to be 'good'...perhaps you feel that once children/marriage enter the picture that the fun times are over?

Focus inward and enjoy your relationship!