A question about swinging

[Begood03]

My wife and I have talked about swinging, but there is one big thing that bothers me about it. You can't know if you will really like it until you try it. But if it is wrong for the two of you, you can't take it back as if it never happened.

I guess what I'm saying is, although I'm am very turned on by the thought of swinging, I don't want to do anything that will damage our marriage.

Has anyone else felt this way?

[cpl4funindel]

Hi Be, and welcome to the forums.

When Mrs. Cpl and I started talking about this, we went through the same set of questions you're mulling over now. In the end, you're right; What happens is done, and can't be undone. Therefore, it's very important that you both agree to take it slow, evaluate as you go, and most importantly agree that no matter what happens, this is done with no regrets or recriminations between you. Now, that's easy to say and not always easy to do, but if you keep the lines of communication flowing freely and have a good stable relationship to start with, you should be fine. In the end, what we experienced is that with those agreements in place, swinging became a very liberating feeling for us and we've actually never been closer.

Good luck!

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by Begood03

My wife and I have talked about swinging, but there is one big thing that bothers me about it. You can't know if you will really like it until you try it. But if it is wrong for the two of you, you can't take it back as if it never happened.

I guess what I'm saying is, although I'm am very turned on by the thought of swinging, I don't want to do anything that will damage our marriage.

Has anyone else felt this way?

It was a topic of conversation with my wife and I when we got into the lifestyle last year. We discussed it, and worked out way past that by recognizing a few things.

First, our relationship is rock solid. We trust each other implicitly, and there's no question about the other's intent in saying something or promising something. That gives us a significant part of the basis on which we can swing. If we couldn't trust the other to not, say, stay within the rules we establish, we couldn't swing. But having that trust means we're a team, united, and we walk in this together.

Two, as you did we recognized there are answers to questions we'd had that could not be answered without actually swinging. The first time you go on a roller coast you have no idea if you're going to be terrified or thoroughly enjoy it. Most of us decide to ride it anyways, because so many have good experiences from it. The same is true with swinging. Not all particular experiences in swinging are positive ones (more on that in a second, see * below), but the vast majority of swingers overall report a very positive experience overall and effects on their marriage. So, we knew that swinging was most likely a good thing, and one that would be healthy for our relationship given the first point above. It remained then to answer any questions that were answerable before actually swinging. As my wife said to me months ago, "I'm now ready as I possibly can be without actually doing it". I felt the same way, and that told me we were ready.

Three, if after the fact we feel it was a very negative thing, we'd decide not to pursue it anymore. That was a rule of ours at the time. We also agreed and understood that there was a possibility of there being a negative impact on our relationship. But, we also recognized that with the solidity of our relationship there really wouldn't be anything we couldn't get past, so long as trust and honesty remained. Since that always will, this was less of a concern for us.

There's considerable truth to the idea that once the bridge is crossed, you can't take it back. After discussions with my wife, I wasn't concerned about this in the secular sense. In the religious sense (if that's a concern to you) it was a concern for me. But, after doing some research on the point I found that according to the Bible I'm already going to burn in hell as an adulterer even though prior to swinging I'd never had sexual contact with anyone other than her from the moment I started dating her. I felt and do feel that I can't make things worse in this regard, because my entire marriage is a fraud according to the Bible, and every time I have sex with my wife I'm committing adultery. Once I realized this, I understood there wasn't anything I could not fix with my wife in the secular world, and the everafter was going to have to take care of itself.

* (referencing earlier commentary above) Individual experiences in swinging will vary. Sometimes you have great partner or couple. Sometimes you don't. You do your best at picking play partners, but sometimes it just doesn't feel right, doesn't click for whatever reason. My wife was concerned about this; "What if I have a neutral experience?" I suggested that if that happened we continue to have neutral experiences for a while until we really understood it wasn't who we were playing with, but us. If we had a very bad experience, we'd step back and evaluate, possibly decide not to swing anymore. We haven't had any bad experiences. We're hoping for even better experiences than the ones we've had (which have been good), but we've had enough good from it that I think we'll be continuing for the indefinite future.

[2aussies]

Well, our first experience with swinging was terrible - all our own fault. But as I said to my wife later, there was enough positive stuff there to make us think about trying again. We were able to talk it over and even laugh about it in the car on the way home, and I think that showed how strong our relationship is. As my wife said, "It's only sex, it doesn't really matter in our relationship".

[IvoryTowers]

Originally Posted by Begood03

My wife and I have talked about swinging, but there is one big thing that bothers me about it. You can't know if you will really like it until you try it. But if it is wrong for the two of you, you can't take it back as if it never happened.

Maybe you are looking at this the wrong way. If you try it and it is wrong for you, you'll have come through a rather trying experience, together, by being honest and supportive of each other. Surely that would make a marriage stronger, or at least not damage it.

If one partner coerced the other into swinging, or you jumped in without discussion then your marriage could be damaged. But any decision can turn out to be wrong--taking a certain job, buying a house, moving....and after those decisions, the couple can say "wow, that was a bad decision. Let's go back or change things or move on." This seems scarier, but honestly, it is a lot easier to give up swinging than a cross country move or the decision to have a child!

If your marriage is solid and you talk to each other every step of the way, you can be fine, even if it doesn't work out.

[2aussies]

What IvoryTowers said.

[bbarnsworth]

I think I need to wittle my prior post down to "ditto"

Geez I'm too wordy sometimes

[iapr]

I also agree with Ivory Towers and will also add this.

Search your feelings and try to find out why you fear this and why you are afraid if things don't go well that it will "damage our marriage?" Is your marriage in a delicate condition right now? Are you teetering on the edge of divorce as things are now? Why do you think something that doesn't work out will be damaging?

Do you have a legitimate concern or have you bought in to all the societal brainwashing that says a couple can only be happy if they are completely monogamous and don't have any any sexual thoughts of other people?

If your marriage is rocky now then devote your time and energies into fixing it and don't give swinging another thought. If on the other hand your marraige is stable and solid read on.

As Ivory Towers said, we do a lot of things in the course of our lives that turn out not to be for us. When that happens are you devistated and your marriage is "damaged" or do you just move on and do something else? A lot of people have triad swinging and found it wasn't for them and they just went back to regular life without another thought about it and really didn't even need to pretend it didn't happen.

As long as you two are working together and have respect and compassion for each other and you are making sane, responsible and sober decisions together as a couple there really isn't that much that can go wrong. And as long as you are working together if something does happen to go wrong the impact is often pretty negligable.

The real key here is that you are functioning as a unit together. With that in place you and your marriage can handle anything that may occur.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by 2aussies

Well, our first experience with swinging was terrible - all our own fault. But as I said to my wife later, there was enough positive stuff there to make us think about trying again. We were able to talk it over and even laugh about it in the car on the way home, and I think that showed how strong our relationship is. As my wife said, "It's only sex, it doesn't really matter in our relationship".

2aussies really sums it up nicely, especially remembering to have a sense of humor when swinging. Being able to laugh at what you discover about others and yourselves is so important.

LM

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by Begood03

My wife and I have talked about swinging, but there is one big thing that bothers me about it. You can't know if you will really like it until you try it. But if it is wrong for the two of you, you can't take it back as if it never happened.

I guess what I'm saying is, although I'm am very turned on by the thought of swinging, I don't want to do anything that will damage our marriage.

Has anyone else felt this way?

Hi there!! It's so good to see you posting!!

To get to your question, I know we both had these thoughts before we started swinging. Who wants to see their marriage fail because they both did something they'd regret? I probably held 95% of that fear.

What really helps is making sure your marriage is strong enough to swing. I believe swinging magnifies what your marriage is currently. If you have a strong, loving, honest, trustful marriage, swinging can enhance that and make it better. Swinging doesn't in general make a bad marriage better but can disintegrate it to the point of divorce.

Communication and good long talks -- not just in the bedroom -- are some great cornerstones of swinging. If you can talk about sex outside the bedroom and what you both desire in swinging, along with boundaries you're both comfortable with, you're probably ready to have a go at it. A great sense of humor helps. We both can sit and laugh about past play times and who did what or who said what.

If you find it's not for you. No harm, no foul. It was sex, plain and simple between consenting adults. Go back to being the two people who are madly in love with each other.

[MrkLin]

What they all said up there ^^^!

Another thing to consider is the fact that you don't have to dive in head first. I advise everyone who asks (as well as a few who haven't asked) to take baby steps. You might visit a swing club and just watch others at first. You might go again and play with only each other while you watch others. You might next meet another couple and explore soft swinging (having actual penetration only with your partner, but it might include kissing, petting, or oral sex with the other couple.) You certainly do NOT have to jump right into being a full swap couple on your first adventure into the lifestyle.

We had been having MFM threesomes for well over 10 years before we ever considered swapping with another couple. When we decided to take things slow and see how we each felt before, during, and after each event. By the time we actually 'did the deed' with another couple, we were as ready as anyone can be for their first time. Needless to say, we loved it, and haven't regretted a step we've taken.

[Begood03]

I want to thank all of you for your kind advice.

[Willing29]

Everyone is correct here and just to restate it if you are stable and in love you shouldn't have any issues. Talk in bed talk over breakfast, talk over dinner, talk in the car, simply talk it over and over and after that talk it over again. Also be sure to lay down some good ground rules between the both of you and stick to them. Although rules may change over time but as long as both of you know that the rules will be upheld if will make both of you feel more secure about this choice. A very good rule is if one person wants to stop at ANYTIME that will be respected and never thrown in someones face later. Maybe a good way to start is a a 'Soft Swing Couple' like we did, actually we are still soft and having lots of fun. Just some thoughts.