MFM? ...Well you see

[NymphoWind]

Hey everyone...

As all whose read my other post, you all know that i have been thinking of throwing a MFM for my partner, she loved the idea, and honestly was very much excited about it, and honestly to tell the truth the more excited she got, the more it turned me on, anyways after having it be a talking fantasy, I decided to take steps to fulfill her fantasy of having two toys to play with, while two of us please her body like never before, Anyways i decided it was probably best to invite a known friend, actually i asked two different people, both of whom i trust, and know would never go behind my back to try to get a one on one hook up with my partner, anyways from here we decided Christmas Eve night would be the best time, we went out looking for a sexy Xmas outfit for her, and boy did we find one, (Just thinking about it has me hard...) Anyways as time came near you could just see the excitement coming off of her from her very smiles that showed so often, and believe me no nothing was putting this good mood off track, which really made me want to give this fulfilling a go...

UNFORTUNATELY! Both of my good friends chickened out, of course i was only planning to have one of them join us, as having both of them would probably be too much for the first time...
But both of them suddenly decided that they couldn't or didn't want to, I tried reassuring them that it was cool, that i invited them, and our friendship wouldn't be harmed, and it would be really fun we have rules and we'll do all the right steps to make sure everyone was comfortable...
But regardless, one of them felt that he was not ready for it and that he had to much going on, that maybe one day but not now, and the other started losing his nerve mostly because of a problem he had, apparently because of smoking there were times he couldn't get it up, and no matter how much comforting, he felt too nervous to give it a shot.

Quickly after my partner felt she wasn't as sure of having one with a stranger, and that she felt much better knowing that these people were people i had known, and on realizing this may not happen you could see that smile and drive fade down, i tried to talk them back into it, but lets face it, we can't force a person into something, the worst part is since that day i haven't seen that same excitement in her, and so I really want to get someone, a right someone to come join us, not just to put those great smiles back on her face, but i have to say, when she was as happy as she was, sexually things would getting interesting, and lets put it this way, I'm some what like a cat, i tend to really go through heat phases where i become extremely wild and crave something hot, and unless i have something satisfying that craving heat doesn't go away, just continues to build...

I honestly do have some worries, but nothing i haven't talked about with her, and really do believe that the only way I'll shake these worries in my mind is if i give it a try, and fulfill this MFM, lets face it i know it turns me on, even compared to before, my own fantasies have started to stray towards this kind of thing, making me cum harder and just feel that much wilder...

I have someone I'm currently talking to, who i may eventually be interested in having us join, but only time will tell if i continue to feel the same about him, my partner is clearly expecting me to take the lead in setting this up, and picking the person, most likely just very excited in fulfilling her fantasy and wanting to have me be completely alright with the person...

Anyways if anyone has any thoughts on this feel free to drop a thought...
But i think my question that is crossing my mind now is, would it be wrong to pick a random guy whom we both find attractive enough to join, and have a fling? Would that be a Safe thing to do? Or would it be best to continue to wait and slowly pick a person to have this first time MFM?

For those of you who randomly picked a stranger and played a fling how did it go?

[suite91]

There are valid arguments on both sides of the stranger/friend debate. Ultimately it will come down to what you're both comfortable with (and what that is may change over time). My two cents is that swinging with an "unknown" guy is no more dangerous than dating the same guy in the vanilla world.

For our part we've had no luck with anonymous single guys (they sometimes get cold feet too) and a tough time recruiting casual acquaintances - they love the idea of banging my wife 'til she tells them she's swinging not cheating and that I'll know what goes on between them. Somehow that scares them off, it doesn't make any sense to me . We started in our teens with my best friend, long before we knew anything about "The Lifestyle". It was a great way FOR US to start because, as you mentioned, I trusted him which made everything much easier from a jealousy standpoint.

As for the peeks and valleys of her interest in a MFM, I can only suggest that you keep the fantasy going by talking about it, especially in the bedroom!

Good luck!

[TravlParty]

Definitely not a friend. You saw already how awkward it made them feel.

We pick single males based on their knowledge of the lifestyle and how respectful they are of our relationship. There are many men available who are likable and understand what you're looking for.

If you feel the need to form a friendship beforehand, then do so. It's really quite simple. Look through the ads on whatever site you belong to and pick a few to meet in person before you involve your wife. Do find out what type of man she's interested in. You may be surprised that her fantasy man is nothing like you imagined.

You'll be able to get a feel for whether you're comfortable introducing them. If they won't meet with you first, then that throws the respect out the window.

Good luck!

[BiloxiCouple]

Swing club or online ads. Let her pick. It's her fantasy/fuck and your fantasy.

[VANudistcpl]

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

Swing club or online ads. Let her pick. It's her fantasy/fuck and your fantasy.

Let her decide.

[LFM2]

Have to agree with BiloxiCouple and say let her decide.

I also have to agree with them and say a club or online is a good bet. Even though we've never been to a club, we have had excellent luck online.

[WesternSwing]

Your friends chickening-out is really no surprise to me. In our experience many men get weirded-out with the concept of being able to fuck someone else's wife and the husband being okay with it, much less being in the same room at the same time AND being naked. It's eros (maybe ego) overload for a man.

I wrote a long blog about this a while back, what I call "The Cheating Wife Syndrome", where men are turned-on by the concept of a cheating wife, but are freaked-out by the idea of a wife having permission to play, or even at the idea of meeting the husband.

That, and as you mentioned, when they are friends it makes it even weirder.

We've met many men through swinger dating sites and have "interviewed" each of them via dinner and drinks together as a threesome. On some occasions there has been enough chemistry that it's game-on that night. Other times it just hasn't been there and we move-on to the next candidate.

One thing that is important to us is that this is a process we do together. We both have to be comfortable with the other person, whether it's another man or woman. Also, just because I think a guy is a great candidate for a threesome with us doesn't mean that Mrs. WS will have any attraction to him. So having her part of the process of finding a third is paramount for us.

So my advice is to involve your wife in more of the process. That may make her more excited about it, also. This is a "us" thing, not just a "you" thing. Be partners in crime.

And as a final note, in our experience it is easier to make friends out of swingers than swingers out of friends.

Mr. WS

[red96]

We considered a good friend as our first but we were the ones with reservations. We were afraid it would harm the friendship we had so we never approached him about it. Our first was a gentleman we found on Swing Lifestyle.We met him in a public setting to get to know him and see if there was a sexual attraction. He was very respectful and very well mannered at all times. We all got along great and our first time happened that evening.

We still look for guys through on line ads, the Mrs. decides who she might be interested in. We exchange a few e-mails and / or chat on line to get a feel for the person she is interested in. If that goes well then we set up a meeting, we always tell our prospective partner there are NO expectations to play on the first meet. If either of us get a bad "vibe" from the initial meeting we walk away, it has happened a couple of times. In one instance there was no sexual attraction on her part and the other just didn't "feel" right ( felt like he had some kind of hidden agenda). Mrs. Red always knows after a few minutes if she wants to play or not and I can usually sense this in her.

To answer your question the sex with strangers is what turns us on the most. I'm not quite sure how to explain it, maybe it has to do with the unknown, finding a new partners likes and dislikes or what he brings to the table as far as pleasuring the Mrs. We have had several play sessions over the last few months and each one was unique and erotic in its own way. All were very exciting and enjoyable. We would like to eventually find a "regular" someone we could play with when the mood arises, but for now we enjoy the chase and the seduction with new people.

I will say it can be time consuming and involves some work to find the right person through on line ads. You will get some weird to obnoxious messages but you just have take the bad with the good. You should let her make the choices and discuss who she is interested in together, both of you should be involved at all times. A club would probably be a much faster way to hook up with someone, but that just isn't our style. If you are anxious to make something happen soon, it may be a consideration for you. Find a local club and check it out, you may find what you are looking for or you may not. Just because you are there does not mean you have to hook up with anyone.

[MrkLin]

As for swinging with otherwise vanilla friends, what they all said above. Yes, it can work out, but it can also end badly.

We knew nothing at all about the lifestyle when we had our first MFM, and the internet wasn't around then - I hadn't heard of it yet anyway. Lin knew a guy from work that she had flirted with heavily, and when we finally decided to go for it, he was the one she chose. They didn't work together - he worked in a different office - but they saw each other several times a day, and there was a lot of sexy banter back and forth between them. She has always been a flirt, so this was easy for her. I met him, and she flirted with him pretty heavily with me there to let him know that I knew about everything, and was fine with it.

One day she raised the bar to the top notch and told him that she wanted to experience an MFM threesome, and that he was the guy she wanted to help us make it happen. By this time the guy had sensed that she wasn't all talk and no action, but was hesitant to try anything. Well, he jumped at the chance. The following weekend, he came over, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Knowing now what we didn't know then, it probably wasn't the best way to go about meeting a first candidate for an MFM threesome, but at the time we didn't know any better. I would now advise people asking about such a circumstance to avoid it. It did work out for us, but it could have just as easily gone badly.

You basically have five options when it comes to meeting men already in the lifestyle for a threesome: online, swinger's clubs, swinger's resorts, house parties, and lifestyle events. Don't be too quick to say no to any of them. We have met some very decent guys at clubs, parties, and events, as well as online (we haven't been to a resort yet.) Sure, you have to wade through some posers, flakes, fakes, and married men looking for a little on the side, but nothing worth having is ever simple.

I do think she should become more involved in selecting candidates for this first adventure - after all, she's the one who is going to decide whether or not anything goes beyond a handshake or not. And it's all about her pleasure, right?

If it were us starting out fresh, I'd suggest that we create an online profile at one of the swinger's sites, browse around, and see who is out there in our area. I'd suggest that we look at the gentlemen carefully, make a note on the profiles of the ones she was interested in possibly contacting, then discuss things further with her. When she had decided on a couple of gentlemen she wanted to contact, I would write the initial e-mail suggesting to the gentleman that we meet over coffee in a neutral place to get to know one another a bit, then let her read and approve it. When we had both agreed to it, I'd send it. We would let him know that our meeting IN NO WAY meant that we were going to play on the first meeting day. After the meeting, we'd discuss it on the way home (and a lot further for a couple of days,) and if everything was ok to everyone, we could move on to schedule a play date. That play date would take place in a hotel, and NOT our home or his.

Please understand that everything I just described is with the benefit of 20/20 hindsight. We've made our share of mistakes along the way - nothing major, mind you. We've gotten mixed signals from friends and acquaintances, and have probably missed out on a lot of good times because we tend to err on the side of caution by not pursuing things. We also have avoided a lot of drama and lost friendships, so I think it all balances out in the wash.

[NCfuncouple98]

MrkLin said it all very well! Read what he stated very carefully.

We entered the lifestyle with MFM, with my husband's best friend of almost 20 years. He does not live anywhere close to us, was in town to visit, and he and his wife have been swingers for a few years. So while he was a "vanilla" friend to us, he was at least somewhat into the lifestyle. It was a great way to start! No regrets, still close friends. But then again, we haven't seen each other in person since.

Our 2nd MFM was with a close friend of both of ours that does live closeby, and he had been involved with MFM years ago with an ex-girlfriend. However, I will honestly say that it has strained our friendships. Jealousy from Mr. NC, as well as awkardness between the 3 of us, we haven't played in a month after 2 tries. He is very close to our children, who call them "uncle", and spends a lot of time with us as a family. We are trying very hard, all 3, to restore the friendship back to what it was.

Long story short - I think anyone that you meet in the vanilla world should stay that way. While it may seem more comfortable to start with someone you or she already know and are comfortable with, you cannot predict how everyone will feel about it the next day, a week later, or a month later. Try a local club - do they have nights that single men are admitted? Ours does on Friday nights. Create a profile on other search sites - there are plenty of single man that are already involved in the lifestyle that better understand a couple wanting to share this experience.

And as you've read above, you will have to wade through the profiles. We recently received an email from a single man - "Got 10" hard for u baby" - my response? "Is that really your pickup line? Good luck". Do not get discouraged - she will know who interests her and who doesn't, and together you meet them and decide whether or not to take it to the next level.

Out of curiousity - why is it that you want to start with a single man instead of looking for couples to share the experience together with?

[NymphoWind]

Yeah, when i first asked them, they were almost excited, but as time came closer they started to seem to lose nerve when they realized that it was probably going to happen, which sucks because having people like them whom i trust enough to really be comfortable with, would have been great...
But I do think it would be good to have some kind of bond going before anything...

And oh yeah! Me and my partner have talked a lot before we even considered asking those friends, and so I know exactly what kinds of guys she's interested in, which does make things that much more interesting...

Anyways thanks for the reply! Happy New Years!

Originally Posted by TravlParty

Definitely not a friend. You saw already how awkward it made them feel.

We pick single males based on their knowledge of the lifestyle and how respectful they are of our relationship. There are many men available who are likable and understand what you're looking for.

If you feel the need to form a friendship beforehand, then do so. It's really quite simple. Look through the ads on whatever site you belong to and pick a few to meet in person before you involve your wife. Do find out what type of man she's interested in. You may be surprised that her fantasy man is nothing like you imagined.

You'll be able to get a feel for whether you're comfortable introducing them. If they won't meet with you first, then that throws the respect out the window.

Good luck!

[NymphoWind]

Hey,

Thanks for your post, i agree with it very much...
As far as having her be a part of the process as much as possible i try to get her in it as much as i can, but she has also made it very clear that shes just very shy about it all, and rather have me doing most of the finding and such, although slowly i have been getting her to open up more, so far she still rather leave the picking part to me, but now is open enough to come meet the potential choice i find for dinner or the "interviewing stage"
I hope sooner then later, I can awaken the wild side within her completely, but at the same time seeing her becoming more and more involved, step by step really does make things fun.

"it is easier to make friends out of swingers than swingers out of friends."
I can't agree more!

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

Your friends chickening-out is really no surprise to me. In our experience many men get weirded-out with the concept of being able to fuck someone else's wife and the husband being okay with it, much less being in the same room at the same time AND being naked. It's eros (maybe ego) overload for a man.

I wrote a long blog about this a while back, what I call "The Cheating Wife Syndrome", where men are turned-on by the concept of a cheating wife, but are freaked-out by the idea of a wife having permission to play, or even at the idea of meeting the husband.

That, and as you mentioned, when they are friends it makes it even weirder.

We've met many men through swinger dating sites and have "interviewed" each of them via dinner and drinks together as a threesome. On some occasions there has been enough chemistry that it's game-on that night. Other times it just hasn't been there and we move-on to the next candidate.

One thing that is important to us is that this is a process we do together. We both have to be comfortable with the other person, whether it's another man or woman. Also, just because I think a guy is a great candidate for a threesome with us doesn't mean that Mrs. WS will have any attraction to him. So having her part of the process of finding a third is paramount for us.

So my advice is to involve your wife in more of the process. That may make her more excited about it, also. This is a "us" thing, not just a "you" thing. Be partners in crime.

And as a final note, in our experience it is easier to make friends out of swingers than swingers out of friends.

Mr. WS

[NymphoWind]

Hey thanks for the reply!

Well the thing was, in conversation we were thinking of having a 3some with another girl to kick start our first experience in a three way, as usually being with two girls at once is something most males dream of having, on her part she was really new to the whole idea never really considering having another join, Other then that, the truth is sex wise I'm the only man she's ever been with, and after years of playing and enjoying each other in many ways, we decided it may be interesting to have another join, and since she has only been with me, she strongly felt that having one persons at a time was something she would like to start with...
Anyways as time passed I was able to have her open up more and more sexually with me, and started to encourage her to really just let loose, she eventually decided like my fantasy of having two girls at once, she thought it would be amazingly sexy if she could have two guys, and at first we agreed that alright first we would invite a girl to join us, and see how it plays out, then we'll find a right guy, and see how that was, as things started to become hotter between us, the issue that I was her first and only came up, whereas for me I've had my share of sexual partners, and as our conversations grew in depth, and as her fantasy began to grow on me, we together decided well for the first time why not make it a MFM instead? I mean I haven't been with two girls yet, but that doesn't change the fact that i have been with many girls, and experience wise she has only felt the best and better that i have, and never the best someone else has to offer, and so that's how we came to deciding that we want to start with a MFM...

Honestly though, at first i had many hang ups over the idea, I wasn't sure at first if i would be ok with another guy joining, even though the very idea of this naughty fantasy did pinch a arousing cord within me, but over time i started to feel that it was no different really then say a FMF, and topping that was that very fact that the more i saw the fantasy turn her on, the more i thought about her pleasure and moaning double, the more it grew on me... And now I've reached a point where when masturbating or having sex the fantasy of seeing her working me and another guy drives me crazy, i find that i cum harder and just feel that much more wild, compared to when i now fantasize about having a FMF...

Although the idea of having another couple join us really is a turn on, i don't think we're ready for that, and rather take on one person at a time feeling more comfortable with one person to fill some positions, but I'm sure after the first few 3somes we'll start looking for hot sexy couples to join us, as we both share a fantasy of laying back and watching another couple work us while we glace over to see one another in moaning pleasure...

Originally Posted by NCfuncouple98

:

Out of curiousity - why is it that you want to start with a single man instead of looking for couples to share the experience together with?

[Mr.Essex]

IMHO, nothing kills a friendship quicker than knowing what they look like when they're fucking. My reasoning for saying this is simple: Most, if not all friendships are based on a certain level of balance. I'm smarter, but he can run the 40 in 4 seconds/she's the better cook, but I'm better at keeping to a budget/He's a math whiz, but I can finish a 1,000 page novel in a day, that sort of thing. And as long as those barriers are maintained, they can usually agree (or agree to disagree) on almost anything. But, to paraphrase a rap lyric from the good old days, shit gets different when there's feelings involved. And sex, apart from the most basic "one night stand with the chick/stud I met at the club" variety, always involves lots of feelings.

Sure, you may know that your buddy's big enough to wear a wristwatch without worrying about tan lines, or you may have heard your BFF referred to as "Multi-Orgasmic Mary", but (for the most part) you won't get into too many details about what your friend's bedroom repertoire may entail. Personally speaking, barring my swinger friends (of course), I know almost nothing about my friends' sex lives (except to know when someone's hit a dry spell or vice versa). And there's a reason.

Bottom line, sex is one of those things that can become very touchy very quickly. When you've made a lifetime of good memories (fishing trips, college graduation, first workplace promotions, etc.) with a guy, it's disconcerting to discover that your previously balanced relationship tilts in his direction (due to his massive schlong/ability to hold his breath and not get bored or distracted/leet massage technique/etc.) If you don't actually know about his skills, it's easy to build yourself up as a competent, if not supremely talented lover. But, when you're staring at him as he pistons in and out of your girlfriend and her legs wrap themselves around his waist, that's where the self-doubt begins to creep in. Or, vice versa for the perceived "stud", as he learns that his high-school level of fucking only impresses women who are on the marriage prowl and therefore willing to accept a few flaws if the final prize is something to be admired (hopefully with thoughts that they can change that part of the relationship when rings get involved). It's easy to make a marriage-minded woman coo and squeal, especially if she thinks that she's making herself seem more marriage-worthy in the eyes of her lover. But, for a settled woman who's just looking for some sideline thrills, a pedestrian performance will be noted and commented upon. Let's not forget the good old "growers versus showers". You're 5 inches soft, six inches hard. Your buddy's 3 inches soft, 7 inches hard. It's hard to go back to communal showering with that knowledge in your head.
(In the interest of disclosure, I'm a grower and the physical verification of one very common stereotype when I'm fully aroused.)

And it's more of the same for the ladies. Women have a tendency to be neurotic enough about their bodies. Imagine learning that "Multi-Orgasmic Mary" is for real, and better endowed than you thought, and a squirter! Now, imagine the sight of your husband bringing her to a boil in the time that it takes you to get wet, watching as he presses himself between her breasts with the greatest of ease, then she deep-throats like a porn star. Or, as I've lurked on this site for a long time and have taken note of quite a few "I didn't really enjoy sex until I turned 40/started swinging/learned to make him do it at my pace..." posts, watching as your husband turns a "frigid" woman into his personal wonderland. The ego boost of knowing that your husband is just that damned good can easily turn into uneasiness if she seems to be coming over to the house too often. Same issues, slightly different context.

So, my advice? Find a single male swinger (We exist, and we aren't all flakes. And if you seem to be meeting a bunch of "single male" flakes, remember that swinging is a taboo/hot/masturbation-worthy subject. That "nice guy" may be a frustrated married man having sport with "the deviants". After all, if they're willing to break their vows, they shouldn't have a problem with letting him tug a few out over a cyber-connection, amirite!?) Make friends with him, let the wife vet him, then set up a meet at a time when a person without any obvious family entanglements would be available or could make himself available. If he's legitimate and interested, he'll show up at a dive bar in a bad part of town, or a hotdog stand halfway across the city, or even at a porno store at 1AM that's known to be frequented by gay men. (And yes, I've met swingers with those stringent standards. We still chat.) A married male, or a reputation-burdened game player won't take the bait. Someone like me, however, will gladly show up just for the looks of amazement on the faces of other people as he greets a MILFy looking woman with a kiss and a "subtle" butt tap.

[J&RNNJ]

Our first experience was with someone we both knew and felt comfortable with. We were working an event, and after talking about it for some time she said he is our guy. I was quite suprised by her choice, she later confided it was a safe choice for her. We were out after the event, I approached him away from the table and explained what she wanted, he was very willing indeed. Nigt went great, we had a few more get togethers since, but are now interested in meeting someone new (on a side note, anyone know a quality single male in NJ/NY/PA???). As much as she is leaving me to set it up, I know it comes down to her picking the right guy, after all she has to be attracted to him, right?