Need Guidance

[bvixen22]

Have a boyfriend who is a swinger and as been into full swap. I am not a swinger. He is asking me if it would be something i would be willing to try. Well my answer as no. I have only been with him for about 2 months. And really not sure if this is something i want to do. I refuse to talk about it because i get so upset when i do. My question is to him he wants to watch me with other peole and have me do the same but assures me that i am his main priority. That he just wants me to keep an open mind. he hasn't put a time limit on it. but what if i am never ready for full swap? I guess my question is how do one person who has been into full wap swing be with a person who hasn't even given it a thought be together.

[ncmd_couple]

Bvixen,

Welcome to the swinger's board. Well, the answer to your question rests with you really. It depends on what you are comfortable with, not what his personal history is. At least he was honest with you about his desires so that you can decide if that is for you. There is a lot of information here that you can look into, and you can read about swinging from many viewpoints. How he can be with you when you are not a swinger, well you will have to ask him. For us, it would only be guessing.

S

[NCfuncouple98]

If you have only been together for 2 months, you are supposed to be at the most exciting part of a relationship. The beginning, the newness, the exploraiton of each other, the butterflies in the stomach feeling...

Swinging is something you explore once you have become one. A strong, united couple, that wants to explore sexuality together.

Sounds to me like this is such a brand new relationship, that you two need to figure out each other before you even consider venturing into swinging. It also has to be a mutual decision that you are both ready for.

If he was already a swinger, did you know that when you met him? Did you meet him in this lifestyle?

Just because he was a swinger before does not mean he expects you to be one. If he's not pressuring you, but just asking you questions about it, be honest with him. If you are not interested right now, tell him. If he chooses the lifestyle over you, that is his choice. If he's just asking you about your own sexuality and curiosity, be 100% honest with him. Keep an open mind, but do not feel pressured to do anything you do not want to do.

Don't ever "refuse" to talk about anything. Relationships are hard, yes. But the only way to build upon them is open lines of communication.

[MrkLin]

There's a lot of good advice up there^^^. Something else you should be thinking about right now is whether or not your BF is the right match for you. He was a swinger - you weren't. Right off the top, I'd say you two weren't a good match. I DON'T mean you have to change ANYTHING to be with him, nor does he have to change anything to be with you - you're just different, that's all.

Think about all of the questions you have right now as to whether or not he's out having sex with someone else right at this moment. Do you think that feeling is ever going to go away just because he curtails his lifestyle activities? Is there always going to be some question in the back of your mind if he calls you and tells you he has to work late? If he goes out of state for a funeral, are you going to believe that's the reason he's going? Do you see where I'm going here?

If you've decided that the swing lifestyle isn't for you, then that's it - that's all there is. NOBODY should try to make you change your mind. You've thought about it - it's not for you - ok, fine. Understand, please, that he's gone through much the same thought process, and he's decided that he likes the lifestyle. That's neither good, nor bad - it just is.

In a situation like this, I'd recommend that you seriously consider looking for another boyfriend. He's kind of damned if he does, and damned if he doesn't in this situation - and I'm sure you aren't out to do that to him. I'm also sure he isn't out to do that to you...

[fun4Ds]

Welcome to the Swingers Board bvixen You may find allot of information here. Have a look around, and let us know what you think, anytime...

Originally Posted by bvixen22

Have a boyfriend who is a swinger and as been into full swap. I am not a swinger. He is asking me if it would be something i would be willing to try. Well my answer as no. I have only been with him for about 2 months. And really not sure if this is something i want to do.

This could be anyones guess here

You say he is a swinger, how so ?

Did he have a long time partner before you ?

Does he enjoy swinger porn and just figures boinking everyone is cool, as long as we don't get to close emotionally ?

2 months is a pretty short time to know someone.

I refuse to talk about it because i get so upset when i do. My question is to him he wants to watch me with other peole and have me do the same but assures me that i am his main priority.

I can assure you my wife, Mrs.fun,is more than my main priority.

I would say sex is his main priority !

What happens if you say NO ? How does he react ?

That he just wants me to keep an open mind. he hasn't put a time limit on it. but what if i am never ready for full swap?

Then don't ! Having these feelings and reservations, would ruin it for couples like us, who have our priority's in order....

I guess my question is how do one person who has been into full wap swing be with a person who hasn't even given it a thought be together

This may seem cold and I apologies beforehand.

The truth is at this point, your just friends with benefits. He sees, a fuck buddy. You are the ticket to clubs, meet and greets and the easy way to get to couples like us ! He may dissagree, but lets face it.... without your approval, where does that leave him ?

I think you need to get your priority's in order. That involves understanding your own sexuality.

Swinging is not for everyone.......

[neowulf]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

Welcome to the Swingers Board bvixen You may find allot of information here. Have a look around, and let us know what you think, anytime...


This could be anyones guess here

You say he is a swinger, how so ?

Did he have a long time partner before you ?

Does he enjoy swinger porn and just figures boinking everyone is cool, as long as we don't get to close emotionally ?

2 months is a pretty short time to know someone.

I can assure you my wife, Mrs.fun,is more than my main priority.

I would say sex is his main priority !

What happens if you say NO ? How does he react ?

Then don't ! Having these feelings and reservations, would ruin it for couples like us, who have our priority's in order....

This may seem cold and I apologies beforehand.

The truth is at this point, your just friends with benefits. He sees, a fuck buddy. You are the ticket to clubs, meet and greets and the easy way to get to couples like us ! He may dissagree, but lets face it.... without your approval, where does that leave him ?

I think you need to get your priority's in order. That involves understanding your own sexuality.

Swinging is not for everyone.......

While i am not the most experienced here....I have to whole heartedly agree with mrfun here...preach on brotha....

2 months is a short time...and well the rest man you hit it point on and i will apologize in advance as well....just stay true to you...cuz it may not be for you.....

[bvixen22]

Thanks all for your advice i did talk with him about it last night and he said that it wasn't something he was expecting right out the gate. he just wanted me not to dismiss the possibility and that even if it took years or never he was okay with that.

[ncmd_couple]

Bvixen,

Well, that is the right answer from him. Now, you have time to research, ask questions here, and decide what you want in your future.

S

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by bvixen22

Thanks all for your advice i did talk with him about it last night and he said that it wasn't something he was expecting right out the gate. he just wanted me not to dismiss the possibility and that even if it took years or never he was okay with that.

Thats certainly not being pushy

What are your reservations at this time ?

How do you feel about us, as swingers, and our relationships ?

[Alura]

I think we are often, in a new relationship, given an opportunity to improve that relationship with lengthy discussions which will hone the communication we will sorely need to understand each other well enough to be successfully married for a long time. If we refuse to explore the idea, whatever it is, communication will never build.

If we open our minds and work hard at trying to learn what makes our intended tick, that communication will become natural to the point that a love will develop far surpassing anything we'd previously dreamed possible.

Mr. Alura

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Okay, when a person wants you to stay 'open minded' about something you are resistant too, it's going to be a 'deal breaker' someday. It's also a form of manipulation as they try and keep an idea alive, so to speak. I see this in business all the time and it's a negotiating tactic. You deserve better than to be negotiated with.

Anyway, I was a single, bisexual swing playing woman when my husband Ed met me. I told him about my sexual activities before I accepted a first date. He did not Swing and was not going to. Therefore, my relationship with him was never based on Play. Yet, we maintained an open dating relationship and I did still Swing among a nice group of friends. When we got married I accepted that Swing Play was over and accepted that dynamic since trying to persuade Ed was going to be a silly pursuit. Better that I just give him up than hope he changed his mind.

Now, in our case, once he realized that I really was never going to ask him to Swing, he asked to try it. We are a strange species at times. Well, it went great and we Play to this day.

However, this sure does not seem like your scene and your boyfriend is counting on someday for you to change. In my case, I adapted to my monogamous partner knowing full well that he was not going to adapt to me, nor should I expect it. It worked out , but I really thought I'd never Play again.

Sex can really fuck things up when it's not handled right and he thinks he can talk you into this. Or, worse yet, you become willing to do it because you've developed love for him . Love will make people do crazy things, regrettable things and you should not be party to it.

[bvixen22]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

Thats certainly not being pushy

What are your reservations at this time ?

How do you feel about us, as swingers, and our relationships ?

My reservations are that i would feel jealous and afraid that he may want that other person or cmpare the other person to me.

I don't feel anyway about swingers if that's something that i person like to do and the other person is liked minded then do what makes you happy. I just dont know how you separate your feelings when you watch your wife or husband having sex with some else.

[ncmd_couple]

Bvixen,

Maybe it comes with age and experience. And maybe it doesn't. For me, speaking as the husband, I get great pleasure from knowing that my wife is being pleased, either by me, or another. I will always love my wife, my emotions are tied to her hapiness. If she is happy, then emotionally I'm satisfied. If she isn't, then I'm not happy.

S

[knb2004]

Bvixen-
Welcome to the board! I applaud you for trying to do some research on a topic that probably hadn't been much on your radar prior to this point of your life.

I'm going to echo what many of my fellow board members have said to a certain degree. I believe that swinging is not just an activity that people participate it, rather it's a fundamental part about who we are, to a certain degree it's embedded in our personalities. In other words, it's not what we do, it's who we are. Ergo, I think a confirmed swinger and a vanilla being in a relationship is problematic. At best, he'll begrudgingly conform to your desired monogamy, but eventually there will be some resentment. Like Susan, the lovely Mrs. knb and I were in full agreement about our desires and expectations before we became a couple.

That said, while I would never even consider counseling someone to do something that they truly did not want to do, if your lack of desire to participate is based on fear of jealousy, sexual comparisons, or even losing your partner to a swing friend, I would suggest that you may be drawing conclusions based on misconceptions about what the Lifestyle is all about. Reasonable misconceptions for someone who hasn't studied, researched, or experienced what we swingers are all about, but misconceptions nonetheless.

Swinging is about enjoying everything life has to offer as a team. It's something that, if done properly, will allow a relationship to grow and expand to heights previously thought unattainable. If done wrong, or for the wrong reasons, it can destroy a relationship faster than a speeding bullet. For it to even be a hypothetical option, at the very least you would need to be able to separate sex from love.

If you're capable of that, I'd recommend you do some more research so you can make a true, fully informed decision. If you're not, I'd recommend you strongly consider if your relationship makes sense.

[MrkLin]

Originally Posted by bvixen22

My reservations are that i would feel jealous and afraid that he may want that other person or cmpare the other person to me.

I don't feel anyway about swingers if that's something that i person like to do and the other person is liked minded then do what makes you happy. I just dont know how you separate your feelings when you watch your wife or husband having sex with some else.

Let me tell you that you aren't the only one who has ever felt that way. Some people can separate sex and love, and some can't. That's perfectly normal. Everyone's different. I'm speaking for Lin and myself when I say that we understand that sex does NOT equal love, and vice-versa. I'm sure if you search way down deep, you'll admit to yourself that you've had sex with someone you weren't in love with. Well, that's recreational sex - and that's most of what swinging is.

I'll also tell you right up front that he will compare the other person to you. That's also normal. It doesn't mean, however, that he doesn't love you - it means that you're different from that other person. Lin and I have been married for 20 years. I was married for 7 years before she and I met, and she was married for 15 years before we met. We were both divorced when we met. Even after all of that time, we still compare each other to our former spouses - she still compares me to her ex-husband, and I compare her to my ex-wife. It happens. It doesn't mean that either of us are longing for our former spouses - it means that we have a better appreciation for what we have now.

I think you're looking at swinging with a bit of a biased eye - and that's fine. But you need to know that 99.99% of swingers aren't looking to other sex partners as a replacement for anything they're missing in their sex lives. They're looking for an addition to an already satisfying sex life.

My point remains, however. If you're not interested in exploring this lifestyle, he needs to respect that. I'm not going to sit here and try to talk you into swinging, and neither should he. You've thought about it and have decided one way or another - end of story. That's the way it is, and that's how it should be.

Additionally, if you're not sure he'll be able to totally disassociate himself from swinging, then it's better to end things with him now, rather than to wait five years and split up with him after you have children to think about. You've been dating him for 2 months and have these questions - what's it going to be like in 5 years?

Swinging isn't for everyone. You've decided it isn't for you. My opinion is that you need to find someone who agrees with you in that position. You'll be much happier in the long run. I'm not trying to ruin your relationship with your boyfriend - I'm trying to help you decide whether or not this is a topic you want to keep hearing about for the rest of your relationship with this boyfriend.

I'd like to tell you, however, that I think it shows a lot of character in you that you came here in search of answers. A lot of people wouldn't have done that. You deserve major kudos for at least looking into a site such as this and trying to get a bit of info on the subject before making a decision. That speaks volumes about the kind of person you are - and I mean that in a good way.