Trying to coach her into the lifestyle...

[Alex855]

My long time GF and both share similar lifestyle fantasies (MFM). BUt in reality this scares her. We have been together for a few years and we are both deeply in love with each other.

Ok for a couple of years the sexy talk was restricted to the bedroom, whenever I would bring it up out of the bedroom she would atomatically put a stop it. I don't push so I would leave it alone. Anyway as time progressed and as situations arrived where another man was hitting on her or dancing with her she would make flirty remarks as I "really liked watching her" of course my reply was "you know it does, you're the hottest woman I've ever met". But that was it, she never allowed the conversation to go further... Except when we were in the bedroom, if I even brought up a real life situation as in "I know you wanted to fuck him" she'd cum in an instant. But only open to the idea in the bedroom.

Fast forward still trying to get the idea in her head without being pushy. I bought a video with a girl who looks a LOT like her, there she right on the cover with 4 other guys, very explicit photos in the back. I purposely left whe she would see it along with swingwebsites. Anyway as planned she saw it and asked me about it. So I told her the (as she expected) that I bought the video because it looked like her, and about the websites that I enjoyed reading them for me and tht I would never surprise her with something like that.

finally the conversation turned... Finally she admitted to wanting to "fuck other guys, that sometimes she sees a really good looking guy and would mind having him in her" but she would feel really awckward if I was in the room, I just listened... Basically I told her that the thought of her fucking someone else really turn me on, as long as she comes home to me. At that point she said she would be scared and said "what if I only kiss them?" I told her that's fine as long as I'm your #1. THen we proceded to have sex.

Now I consider this amojor break through. Now I not quite sure how to move forward. Baby steps I know that.

Any info greatly appreciated.

A-

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by Alex855

Now I not quite sure how to move forward. Baby steps I know that.

Any info greatly appreciated.

A-

You've got a long way to go yet. Patience. You've exhibited a lot of it, you're going to have to exhibit a lot more. The distance between fantasy and reality is very great, and getting from one to the other takes a lot of time, a lot of talking, a lot of love, and a lot of patience for most couples. Avoid any sense, either inwardly or outwardly from yourself, that this is a direction you're wanting to go for yourself. Your partner needs to want this, needs to cross the bridge. In this case, since you want it to happen, your job is to hold her hand, find answers to her questions as best you can (ask here!), shower her with love and affection.

There's a huge difference between wanting something in the bedroom and wanting it when you're out and about in the humdrum of life, doing something completely unrelated to sex. A good measure of desire is if a person wants to swing while doing things completely unrelated, and the more unrelated the better, and feels that way frequently.

As for fucking other men without you present; be careful. There's plenty of couples that make that sort of situation work. There's many others that avoid it entirely. There's still others that think they can handle it and find out otherwise. See http://www.swingersboard.com/forums/...-starters.html. Save yourself the reading if you want; read the first and 27th/28th pages for how well that worked out. In short, utter chaos and destruction, with a six year old child as the innocent victim.

Personally, I would NOT want my wife to be fucking other men without me present. If she had a consistent male sex buddy, then down the road a long ways I could see it being possible. But, as a way to explore swinging? No way. Absolutely no way. If your girlfriend isn't comfortable having sex with other men while you are present, she's very most likely not ready to swing, though there are certainly exceptions.

[BiloxiCouple]

Sometimes bedroom fantasies and realities don't mix.

Only you and her will know if it works or not. And she will tell you.

[JustAskJulie]

Just keep talking. Keep the lines of communication open and talk to her about what you feel/think and allow her to do the same. If you do that,when she's ready she'll let you know.

[Alex855]

Thank you all for the advice. Yeah I am moving at a snail's pace with this. Which is fine by me. The time lapse of my little story actually was about 5 years worth. I know we still have a long way to go but to me, her actually talking about it outside the bedroom was a huge step! meaning that it's in her mind now and actually craving other men. Whether we go through with it only time will tell. Like I said baby steps. What is the next step? not sure maybe point out a guy in crowd that I know she will be attracted to and ask her questions regarding her attraction to him and what she would do. Just to keep the communication open.

bbarns,

Thank you for the link and word of caution. Trust me it will not fall on deaf ears.

[ncmd_couple]

Alex,

Let her choose the man. After all, it is her choice.

S

[intuition897]

Alex, you seem to be on the right track here. I know it's hard to not push forward at this time, especially since you are now seeing her beginning to open up and become more interested. Now would probably be the worst time to press anything. If I'm shopping at a store, I'm a LOT less likely to buy something if the salesman is pasting on his biggest chiclet grin and hovering over me like a vulture. Same sort of idea with this. I think that what you've described in your post is actually a 5 year conversation, and what she's saying right now is, "OK you've got me. So I'm interested. I suppose you're going to get all pushy now, right?" You are telling her that you're not, and your continued restraint is only going to reinforce what you're telling her. The goal at this point is simply to be completely approachable and supportive. This is a big step for her. You're not just asking her to take her clothes off in front of someone else; you're asking her to make herself more completely vulnerable than she's ever been before. It takes a lot of trust to show one's true self like that. What she normally shows you is the woman she thinks you want to see. What you're asking is for her to show you who she is without you, who she is with someone else. This is a part of ourselves that we guard very closely because it's something about ourselves that we cannot change. To open that part of ourselves up for possible criticism is very risky.

I would just stop beating around the bush and lay it out on the table for her. You would say something like, "Look, I just want to see you happy and living life to the fullest. I know that fantasy and reality are two different things, but if you ever want to explore the possibility of making your MFM fantasy a reality, all you have to do is ask. I'm not going to be angry or stop loving you or lose respect for you just because you happen to like sex! I love that you're a total sex goddess! All I ask is that you don't try to hide anything from me. I just want honesty."

What you want her to understand above all else is that you value her, and you care about her wellbeing. This means, of course, that you would never ask her to do something she wasn't ready for or something that made her feel badly about herself. If that's how she feels, then just stick with the fantasy.

I'd also like to add that if you do get started, do not try separate rooms or kiss and tell type dates. If she's too uncomfortable to have you in the room, she's not ready for it!! You don't have to go all out right out of the gate, you know. You can try milder situations where the clothes stay on. Ask her to point out some guy she's attracted to and tell you what she likes about him. Ask her to tell you what she's thinking while she watches him. Maybe try a situation where she can flirt with someone, or dance with him. Just play around with the idea, and find safe ways to bring the fantasy into the real world.

Good luck!

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by intuition897

I'd also like to add that if you do get started, do not try separate rooms or kiss and tell type dates. If she's too uncomfortable to have you in the room, she's not ready for it!! You don't have to go all out right out of the gate, you know. You can try milder situations where the clothes stay on. Ask her to point out some guy she's attracted to and tell you what she likes about him. Ask her to tell you what she's thinking while she watches him. Maybe try a situation where she can flirt with someone, or dance with him. Just play around with the idea, and find safe ways to bring the fantasy into the real world.

Good luck!

Yes, yes, 1000* yes.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by Alex855

Thank you all for the advice. Yeah I am moving at a snail's pace with this. Which is fine by me. The time lapse of my little story actually was about 5 years worth. I know we still have a long way to go but to me, her actually talking about it outside the bedroom was a huge step! meaning that it's in her mind now and actually craving other men. Whether we go through with it only time will tell. Like I said baby steps. What is the next step? not sure maybe point out a guy in crowd that I know she will be attracted to and ask her questions regarding her attraction to him and what she would do. Just to keep the communication open.

bbarns,

Thank you for the link and word of caution. Trust me it will not fall on deaf ears.

Alex, When I first read this title I thought, "oh man are you in for a surprise." I don't think we can coach our partners in this lifestyle. Or, anyone for that matter. After reading intuition897s post all I can add is.

Listen to what she has said Let it simmer and soak in fully. It's not so much about coaching. There is so much we learn about our partners, and then we actually show support, not leadership, training or how the game must be played.

Its about sharing, trusting, and understanding all these new open thoughts we find along the way about each other. Its really about being supportive more than anything else.

I hope its time to bring the Mrs. to the Swingers Board.

[Alex855]

very good advice! thank you

[Alex855]

update... Prior to this our conversations were very light hearted and still in fantasyland tone.

Well she is starting to get bolder. And now we have talked very candid about this. The reason this came about was because:

A few weeks ago she almost fucked a friend of hers. I was out of town and she went out to dinner with him (i knew as she told me this prior to going). From what she told me: It was all cool (as usual) but for some reason after a few drinks she wanted to fuck him (this was a first). She said "maybe it's because of the talks we had I dunno". Apparently he cought on to her signals as when they got in the car to leave he kissed her. When he was doppring her off back home things got hot and heavy, soon they found themselves indoors. Inside the house things naturally progressed, he sucked on her tits, grabbed her ass, she grabbed his crotch. But when he was actually going to pull it out she said that she "just freaked! and said I'm not a cheater and I'm not going to cheat". She put a stop to it, apologized and told him to leave.

She called me the minute he left and woke me up. She was embarrrassed and ashamed, and was really sorry for what she had done. I told her she had nothing to be sorry about but that it did bother me a little bit that this went on without my knowledge, but if she would have texted me about how horny she was feeling and that she wanted to fuck him, she would have had my consent. She admitted that she had trouble believing me. As it goes against the nature of every guy. I told her that I didn't know why but it turns me on.

We talked for hours. About how much I love her and how much she loves me and about how we do not want to ruin this great relationship. I told her to me sex is sex, and as I long as I have her heart, and that she still wants to have sex with me (meaning I don't get replaced) that is all that matters to me. Basically the understanding is that they are human sex toys with no feelings attached to them. That is the only way that I am ok with this. I told her that what turns me on is her. Her lust, her desire to just wanting to fuck, and that when she has these desires to tell me and let me in. Not to keep anything to herself as this is a partnership, and this is "OUR" sex life.

We talked about what do I get out of this and I told her. It gets me off, and of course I told her that if this ever happened again "I would expect her to tell me every detail as I was fucking her" just so there isn't any misunderstandings. Thats what I get out of it pleasure. But if she never has that desire again that's fine too as all I want is her.

We decided that involving friends is a bad move as they can get emotionally attached and chaos can follow. There is no timetable nor commitment, basically only if the situation arises. We are still in our talking phase with no plan of going forward but at least we set up some very important ground rules just so there aren't any misunderstandings.

This forum is great as it has helped me understand myself and what she may be thinking. Thank you!

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by Alex855

...I told her to me sex is sex, and as I long as I have her heart, and that she still wants to have sex with me (meaning I don't get replaced) that is all that matters to me. Basically the understanding is that they are human sex toys with no feelings attached to them. That is the only way that I am ok with this. I told her that what turns me on is her. Her lust, her desire to just wanting to fuck, and that when she has these desires to tell me and let me in. Not to keep anything to herself as this is a partnership, and this is "OUR" sex life.

That's all very romantic sounding but not realistic, especially the part about "they are human sex toys with no feeling attached to them."

Your girlfriend will be fucking people, not a dildo, and emotions can and often do come into the picture. There is no way you can guarantee that emotions will not play out. Heck, her date with this guy was filled with emotion! And kissing and feeling each other up was already light play in my book.

I think you want to be a cuckold. And if you haven't discussed that, you should. I haven't read this thread so maybe someone has already brought that up. You and your girlfriend should research what being a cuckold is about, for both of you.

LM

[shy_couple]

Maybe you should try to coax her and not coach her.

[The Fuse]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

That's all very romantic sounding but not realistic, especially the part about "they are human sex toys with no feeling attached to them."

I second this. It is unrealistic to think of other people as sex toys. It is also disrespectful. While most swingers go into the lifestyle expecting that we and our loved ones won't develop strong feelings for our playmates, and most of us don't develop those feelings, your playmates are people. Even if they aren't friends before you meet them via the lifestyle, they deserve respect and consideration at the "casual friend" level. That means you don't willfully do something to hurt or annoy them. You treat them the way you would want to be treated if you were in their place.

It is fine to expect your girlfriend will not fall in love with a playmate, and that her activities are just for fun. But if a playmate thought of me as a "human sex toy", that would not sit well.

I wish you luck whatever you and your girlfriend decide about pursuing casual sex outside your relationship.

[Chicup]

Part of the reason swingers can be human sex toys for each other without attachments is that we are already attached.

I already have love, I am not looking for love, I am happy with who I am with. It would take a VERY remarkable woman to somehow make me think 'if only her instead of Mrs. Chicup'. Personally I've never come close to meeting one and I only list it as a possibility because the world is big.

Singles are different, singles don't have someone, singles by default are often looking for someone even if they don't THINK they are looking for someone. Your drama potential is always higher with singles, and this is part of the reason.

Always though remember, they are people with their own wants and desires, you need to treat your partners with respect, and at the same time be wary of their motivations. Really basic 'human' stuff.