Ladies, if your S-O looked like Brad Pitt, would you be as willing to share him?

[thor-in-vegas]

hi all,

man i am going to take a ribbing on this one for sure! LOL
but i have to ask.

ok, my wife and i are complete newbies.

we have discussed the idea of having a threeway with another girl.

while my wife finds the idea of being with another woman very sexy,
she recently confided in me that her main apprehension in bringing another woman into our bedroom is that she fears the other woman would develop feelings for me, attempt to pursue me, or at the very least, would be in the situation because she wanted to be with me, and just accepted that my wife would be there.
(i reminded her how beautiful she is, and that everytime she meets a new friend in the little girls room, that they always end up comparing boobs and telling her how hot she is)

please dont take this as bragging, i honestly dont mean it that way:

see, i am considered extremely attractive. i have women coming on to me at work, and in public all the time. even going so far as to ask me to take a night off from being married on more than one occasion. (yes, i tell my wife about these situations, and no, i have never, and will never cheat on her)

i have always been the guy who makes boyfriends/husbands uncomfortable, and at social gatherings, i have seen them reprimand their girls for "flirting" with me.
i have a muscular physique, a large "member", and have never had any trouble making a woman scream.
my wife knows all about my past, and we both feel very lucky to be with one another.
the problem is; she says that i am so attractive, that any woman we meet will try to steal me away.

i have assured her that she is the only woman i have EVER been truly in love with, and no one else stands a chance in hell of ever stealing me away.
to me, its just sex., and i am a VERY sexual person.
always have been.

so, any of you women here ever felt like my wife does?
we really do have a great relationship and can talk about anything without arguing, but she just thinks other women will try something sneaky anyway.

i am open to any and all input and advice about what to say, what to do, or whether to just drop it. (i hope thats not the only possibility! LOL)

thanks,
thor

[fun4Ds]

What if... Tom cruse, Johnny Depp, Bill Gates and some of my other look-a- likes came along, and she wanted to do any of us, in a three way with you. What if any of us wanted to call or email her at times ? In reality, we are successful. We have a big olé pile of money, for what ever reasons. I dont think me and my swinger bud's are going to repremand our wives for talking to you. I'm quite sure, if you look just like Brad, Mrs.fun will want to talk and flirt

Would you understand how she (Mrs.Thor) felt ? Would you truly understand how Mrs.fun feels ?

I don't think you are bragging at all. I think you have confidence. Thats a good thing in the lifestyle.

I just don't think you understand what she feels or how she is intimidated/ threatened, by other women. There is nothing wrong with how Mrs.Thor feels.

I don't know what other women will say here in this thread, I hope many reply. I think you should listen to them, as I will be. I think from what I hear, you haven't crossed that bridge yet.

Do you think you have given, earned or proved, to your wife, the trust she needs ? Do you think its her own insecurities or inferiority ?

Its one thing to get hit on at work or any vanilla situation that could lead to sex. I could say to the end of the world "Look how much I get hit on and I say no". That, helps build trust. But its a different story with the females we pursue and play with.

What if everything is all great between you guys and the possible third woman.
Then the day happens, at the snap of a finger, she says "no more". And you by then, have developed more than just sexual feelings for this other woman. I can tell you are a confident, good looking man. I don't think any Woman you play with will be just a piece of ass. It will be more that that, if you have good character.

This is important if you find yourself in the situation where Mrs.Thor has had a FMF encounter and says " I don't want to play with her any more and neither can you "

These are important questions :

How will you handle this situation ?

What will you say to Mrs.Thor ?

What will you say to this other female playmate ?

These might be hypothetical questions to you. These are not hypothetical for me, any more.

Enough guy talk I cant wait to hear what the ladies say

[iapr]

Most of the men in the lifestyle are middle aged, balding, pot bellied and haven't seen the inside of a gym in 20 years. guess what? Their wives still worry about the same issues and have the same fears and concerns. And to make matters worse sometimes the things you mentioned do happen along with a whole host of other things you probably haven't even dreamed up yet.

You are bringing up some universal issues and concerns that affect all couples and it really doesn't have anything to do with attractiveness. You two are discussing bringing other partys into your bedroom and issues of jealousy, trust, boundries, play partner selection etc and how to deal with problems are all critical components of getting into the lifestyle.

One of the things you are going to have to discuss is how you are going to deal with people that may get too attached or people that one of you gets too attached to as well as how to deal with people that may try some kind of underhanded scheme.


All couples regardless of their level of attractiveness have to discuss and come to terms with these concerns because these things are legitimate issues. What is key is not what it is that other people due to you because people are going to try to pull some goofy shit now and then. What is important is how you two deal with it and work together as a couple to address these concerns and issues.

[arvcpl]

I agree with Fun4d's and Iapr, this is something that affects everyone whether you are good looking or not. what you haven't mentioned is how you will react if your parnter gets more attention and interest than you do.

I got a little reality check for you Stud, the lifestyle is really about women and men often just end up as extras that hang around in the background. It is the women that call all the shots and it is all about them. I see that you had another post titled, "Interested in other women but don't want her to be with another man" or something to that effect.

I see some potential issues here. There are a lot of guys that were the Big Man On Campus in single vanilla life and think they are chick magnets and maybe they really are. But when they get into the lifestyle they suddenly get pushed into the background and their partner becomes the center of attention. This is true even if the man looks like Brad Pitt and the female looks like Phylis Diller.

You state your wife is worried that some gal will just put up with her just to get to you. That is a very real possibity at that certainly does occur, but it is more of a possibility that some gal will just put up with you to get to her. I am assuming your lady is hot but even if she were ugly she will still have a million times more attention and opportunity in the lifestyle than you will. You may be a hit with the vanilla chicks in vanilla environments but in the lifestyle you are just another guy and guys are often just extra baggage.

That is just background info though, here is my real message. Regardless of how good looking or gross the man is, what determines a couple's success in the lifestyle is how comfortable and how active the female half is. Your lady has to have full buy-in in order for you two to get anywhere in the lifestyle. It is all about making her comfortable and doing things that she is comfortable with and in a manner that works for her. If she ain't into it, it ain't gonna happen.

You may be a super stud in the vanilla world but in the lifestyle your degree of success will be determined by your female partner. If she ain't happy, you ain't gonna be happy.

[Chicup]

iapr pretty much nailed this one. This is just a typical newbie fear in the lifestyle, and no matter how pretty either of you are, you won't have people trying to steal you away unless you play with a couple who already has big issues in their marriage. I won't say I'm super attractive but I "have never had any trouble making a woman scream." and I've been better looking then some of the husbands, and yet, no swinger wifes have tried to steal me away. They are all to my knowledge still happily together with their 'inferior' males (yes I said that tongue and cheek)

Originally Posted by arvcpl

Regardless of how good looking or gross the man is, what determines a couple's success in the lifestyle is how comfortable and how active the female half is.

I'd say this is only partially true. Yes being attractive and outgoing are major pluses for swinging 'success' on the female side, but also iapr is correct that most men in the lifestyle are not that great looking.

Pretty men are far more rare than pretty women, look how many women have lamented on this board about unattractive males in the lifestyle. Being a very attractive male WOULD be a big positive.

A couple were BOTH are attractive will have far more options then a couple were just the female is attractive.

[arvcpl]

Originally Posted by Chicup

iapr pretty much nailed this one. This is just a typical newbie fear in the lifestyle, and no matter how pretty either of you are, you won't have people trying to steal you away unless you play with a couple who already has big issues in their marriage. I won't say I'm super attractive but I "have never had any trouble making a woman scream." and I've been better looking then some of the husbands, and yet, no swinger wifes have tried to steal me away. They are all to my knowledge still happily together with their 'inferior' males (yes I said that tongue and cheek)



I'd say this is only partially true. Yes being attractive and outgoing are major pluses for swinging 'success' on the female side, but also iapr is correct that most men in the lifestyle are not that great looking.

Pretty men are far more rare than pretty women, look how many women have lamented on this board about unattractive males in the lifestyle. Being a very attractive male WOULD be a big positive.

A couple were BOTH are attractive will have far more options then a couple were just the female is attractive.

I agree with what you said. If both are equally attractive I agree they will have more options than if there is a significant imbalance either way. Trust me I KNOW If you have read any of my other posts I address the she's hot/he's not phenomenon quite a bit.

The point I was trying to make is that a couples success in the lifestyle is more dependant on how comfortable and involved the female is. Both partners couple be drop dead gorgeous but if the female half isn't into it and not comfortable with something then it isn't happening. Conversly if both partners are average, below average or even downright unappealing as long as the female half is bought into it and is an active participating member then the couple will likely have success.

The point I was trying to make to the OP is that regardless of anyone's level of attractiveness, what is most critical for him at this juncture is to address his partners concerns and do whatever he can to make her comfortable with the idea of swinging and to get her buy-in. He may have been the big stud in the vanilla world but in the lifestyle it is all about his female partner's comfort and participation. If she ain't into it, it ain't happening for them as couple regardless of how big his dick or his biceps are.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by arvcpl

The point I was trying to make is that a couples success in the lifestyle is more dependant on how comfortable and involved the female is. Both partners couple be drop dead gorgeous but if the female half isn't into it and not comfortable with something then it isn't happening. Conversly if both partners are average, below average or even downright unappealing as long as the female half is bought into it and is an active participating member then the couple will likely have success.

True, I know this first hand as Mrs. Chicup is very attractive yet very shy when it comes to being openly sexual. Its quite frustrating for me at times because if she would just take the lead things would be SO much easier. Swinging has helped this but only to a limited degree, she still reverts back constantly to the insecure girl who has no idea how good looking she is and is so afraid of being to forward that she looks not interested. In case you can't tell this has been a frequent topic of conversation in our house hold

[TNT]

Originally Posted by thor-in-vegas

while my wife finds the idea of being with another woman very sexy,
she recently confided in me that her main apprehension in bringing another woman into our bedroom is that she fears the other woman would develop feelings for me, attempt to pursue me, or at the very least, would be in the situation because she wanted to be with me, and just accepted that my wife would be there.

None of us can control what other people will try to do or their reasons for being there. What we can control is our reaction to it and how we handle it. Your wife has the same feelings that a good majority of women feel when entering swinging and it has nothing to do with how good looking you are or not.

Taking a leap of faith that your partner won't betray you or hurt you in any way is one of the biggest obstacles to overcome in deciding to swing or not. It boils down to TRUST and knowing your partner. Your wife doesn't have to trust the other women all she has to do is trust you. Once there is total trust there is no fear left and that's when you can begin exploring swinging.

so, any of you women here ever felt like my wife does?
we really do have a great relationship and can talk about anything without arguing, but she just thinks other women will try something sneaky anyway.

I've never felt like your wife. Why? Because I TRUST my husband. I know he loves me and only me so I have no fear of other women. There are women who might be better in bed than I am, women who are better looking than I am and have a better body than I do but, none of them holds a candle to me and what I mean to him. They can try any sneaky measure they want and the only reaction they'll get from me is a laugh.

Until your wife comes to a point that she has TOTAL trust and confidence in you, herself and your relationship with each other I'm not sure she'll be able to get over her fear that some other woman is going to steal you away. How she is to accomplish that I'm not sure, it's different for everyone and happens at a point where your partner has left no room for doubt.


Teresa

Oh, to answer your original question..If your SO looked like Brad Pitt, would you be as willing to share him? Yep, but...my SO looks more like Johnny Depp and yes, we've had women chase him down for a second look thinking he was him

[iapr]

Originally Posted by TNT

None of us can control what other people will try to do or their reasons for being there. What we can control is our reaction to it and how we handle it. Your wife has the same feelings that a good majority of women feel when entering swinging and it has nothing to do with how good looking you are or not.

Taking a leap of faith that your partner won't betray you or hurt you in any way is one of the biggest obstacles to overcome in deciding to swing or not. It boils down to TRUST and knowing your partner. Your wife doesn't have to trust the other women all she has to do is trust you. Once there is total trust there is no fear left and that's when you can begin exploring swinging.

:

This really hits the nail on the head and I wish I could have stated this as clearly as Teresa.

In the lifestyle it is all about how you are your partner relate to each other and how you will will with any and all issues that come up....and there WILL be issues that come up.

To give an example of what your are refering to, I am a bald guy in my mid
40s (remember what I said about most guys in the lifestyle? well that's me) and recently we did have an incident where a 23 year single fem that we hadn't even played with before tried an underhanded scheme to get me to her place alone in the middle of night under false pretenses. I didn't fall for it and told her no and then told mrs iapr about it. She became very upset with the gal and would have taken her head off at the time if she had been around but it did not cause any problems in our relationship and it did not affect our activities in the lifestyle. We still go out and still have as much fun as we ever did. The reason it didn't cause any problems was because we have a good degree of trust and communication and a high degree of honor and respect for each other...even in the face of slimy other people.

My point to this example is that things WILL happen, but it is just as Teresa said, it is all in how much faith and trust you have in each other and how well you relate to each other as a couple. Go into it assuming other people WILL do some squirrelly and underhanded shit from time to time. What is key is how you deal with it and how you relate to each other.

If either of you have actual problems with insecurity, jealousy or suspiciousness you are going to have BIG problems in the lifestyle regardless of how attractive either of you are.

[lustylearning]

This is an interesting question. If I am swinging, then I'm okay with sharing him. If, however, I don't think he is capable of appropriately handling those who may act inappropriately, I probably wouldn't swing. I agree with the others. This is an issue about the two of you, rather than the potential playmates.

[thor-in-vegas]

boy you guys are good!

i will post more later after i take some time to digest all that has been said, but just to point out a few things i have already learned from your responses:

1. its not really the other women that my wife is worried about, i think she is worried about how i would handle the situation.

2. we are not ready to do ANYTHING but talk right now. LOL

3. im really glad we havent made the huge mistake of trying something yet, because there could have been a lot of hurt afterwords.

thanks to you all, i learn so much every time i come here. (no pun intended LOL)
i will post more later.
thor

BTW, my title doesnt really fit anymore, as i chopped off my long blonde hair about a week ago. LOL

[thor-in-vegas]

ok, i can see now that this is not something that requires a lot of discussion, it requires me to gain some understanding and some insight.

i think i am. thanks to all of you.

i guess just to be fair, and a good forum member; i will address some of the questions that were asked of me by other posters.

on the MFM thing; my mind is opening.
i have been trying to imagine what the situation would be like, and it seems to me that it would be all about my lady telling me how attracted she was to a certain guy.
if she told me that so and so really "burns her loins", then that kind of turns me on.
i think he would have to be SOOOOO not pushy about it, and be ALL about her, and not just getting himself off.
i think if i saw him neglecting her and just trying to "conquer" her, i would want to smack him. LOL

as for me proving to my wife that i am trustworthy, well, to be honest; yes, i think i have, but i think that when i brought up the question, "would you be into this?" (threesome) i think i may have damaged that trust a little bit.
i thought i had a good idea what her answer would be based upon stories she had told me about her past.
i was wrong! i messed up. i thought i was bringing up something that she thought was hot, and it turned out she was not as sure of why she went along with certain things as i thought she was.

her feelings on this have changed. she now says that because we have a good marriage that she feels more secure than she ever has, but still has some fears and insecurities regarding what this means to/for/about us as a couple.
(yes, i realize this is enough for a whole new thread LOL)

moving on; if we played with a woman and for whatever reason; my wife wanted to end things; i would be just fine with that.
i do not want her to do anything JUST for me.
the whole thing that turns me on about this is that it turns her on.
if she wasnt, then my mood would be ruined too.
this is definitely not solely about me.

another question; if my wife got more attention than me.
THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!
seeing a woman please her would be the coolest thing EVER!!!

ok, i think i have covered everyone's questions.
thank you all very much!
i am learning a lot about myself.
thor

[slevin]

Originally Posted by thor-in-vegas

on the MFM thing; my mind is opening.
i have been trying to imagine what the situation would be like, and it seems to me that it would be all about my lady telling me how attracted she was to a certain guy.
if she told me that so and so really "burns her loins", then that kind of turns me on.
i think he would have to be SOOOOO not pushy about it, and be ALL about her, and not just getting himself off.
i think if i saw him neglecting her and just trying to "conquer" her, i would want to smack him. LOL

If you are starting to contemplate the idea of an MFM then it may be good to explore the idea of meeting another couple rather than just singles. It can allow you to slowly move into swinging (with either girls only playing, no swapping, or a soft swap first before doing full swap). It also may help to make you both more comfortable; some of the concerns about attachment seem to be dramatically increased when meeting singles. Meeting couples seems to lessen those insecurities and worries.

[slevin]

Originally Posted by arvcpl

You state your wife is worried that some gal will just put up with her just to get to you. That is a very real possibity at that certainly does occur, but it is more of a possibility that some gal will just put up with you to get to her.

This has happened with us a few times. Once where the couple put up with me to get to play with her and once where not only did they put up with me to get to her, the other girl actually ended up propositioning Katrina to play separately from the guys. Not in an up front "I'd love it if everyone was ok with us playing alone too" but rather a "I'd love to meet you and not tell the guys" situation. Fortunately Katrina was pissed that she'd suggest such a thing and we've cut off playing (and talking) with them.

Although, I don't look like Brad Pitt

[AprilMike]

We all have different tastes in looks. April wouldn't look twice at Brad Pitt, in fact has come out and said she wouldn't do him, yet Vin Disel or the Rock (who arent generally her type) she would do for days on end. You lust after looks, you fall in love with personality/heart/soul.