What's next?

[landolakes]

Hey guys this is my very first post!!

Well My wife and I have been married for 15 years and we have been through it all and still hold each other close. we have teased the idea of swinging for several years but nothing materialized on either end. Well most recently i have had a series of vivid dreams of foursomes. I shared this with my wife and we had some fun sex based on it. For Halloween we were invited by my wife's cousin to a adult masquerade party. for a while my wife and I suspected that her cousin was a swinger. 10 days prior to the party my wife joked that if she gave me permission would i sleep with another woman. I joked back only if she joined in. My wife is a jokester at times but seemed serious. needless to say it piqued my interested.
I came to the realization that i would love to join the lifestyle and came to a stronger realization that i want to join the lifestyle with my wife who is my best friend. so i hit the net and researched. learned what the lifestyle is like and read boards like this one and others. the first thing i learned was that it is all about comfort and honesty. So i got a babysitter and took my wife to a quiet dinner with the intention of being candid and open with my fantasy. something that we were able to do at times but not to the fullest. sure we are able to say what celebrity is hot or what random stranger that walks by is sexy. so the meal comes and she is dying with suspense. so i say IT. I tell her that i have been researching and that it is something i would like to do BUT only if she is down as well. I let the conversation flow to her control, allowing her to dictate how it goes so its not me being forceful. She said that she has had knowledge that i wanted that and is willing to do do it. i swing it back to her and ask her how she feels about it and she said she finds the notion very erotic. keep in mind folks she has never really been able to express her sexual desires due to her upbringing. not to say she can't physically express them just never could put them to words. sure she says someone's hot but to really expressed those feelings is new so i was encouraged by her reaction.
So i bring the topic of what we want, what sort of parameters we want to agree on. We both like the idea of a open swap that is same room. the fantasy for both of us is to watch the other. Its funny but she prefers to starting with a couple as opposed to a threesome, said that she would feel better if i had my own playmate too so she can cut loose. we both talk about the halloween party and agreed that if it is a lifestyle one that we will do everything as a couple. We then go home and she lets her hair down and we have a nice night of sex. she seemed a little more spirited than usual.
The halloween party was really just a vanilla party but we have a great time. for some reason after our talk really elevated our trust of one another. since then i noticed i have been freer with her, telling her how i found someone hot that day and wondered what sex would have been like. I noticed also we hide the little things less. for example if i looked at a porn site (no addict here BTW) i don't clear its cookies and she doesn't freak out about it either. As matter of fact she is sitting next to me as i type this and has peeked over and smiled at me.
to be honest with you guys my wife is shy to the correspondence aspect of this process. she trusts that i know what i am doing. but the truth is i don't know what i should next. we don't have friends we want to ask and she is reluctant to the club scene at least for now. i am down for whatever but i have really fallen into the zone of the lifestyle where it is all the woman's prerogative and i really like it. only thing is that it works once you are in but leaves me the thought of how to get in. i saw a couple of sites but i worry that they are bogus. can you guys help? should i talk to her again? i don't want to scare her away. she just wants to hook up with some new friends and see from there. and that leads me to another thing. I really want to gain some new friends and not rush into it but i don't know how to look. any ideas?

[SexyRedmondCpl]

Hey there, and . It sounds like you two are off to a good start. The lifestyle is really about the two of you together, for as much as it involves others. It sounds like you both already understand that, though.

You mentioned that you don't have friends you'd be interested in - I think that's a good thing. Most around here will tell you that that can get a bit complicated. I'm curious as to her hesitation with the club scene. It isn't for everyone, but when we started we found that on-premise clubs offered a lower pressure intro - it's not quite so personal as a date with another couple. And off-premise clubs really aren't much different than most nightclubs, honestly.

That said, if it's still too big a step and you're looking to meet people online, I would probably look into swinglifestyle.com (Julie has a banner around here somewhere) or adultfriendfinder. Those are the two that I think most on here use.

If I've missed anything, I'm sure others will fill in the blanks. Above all, keep exploring around here and keep an open mind. There's a lot of great info here if you take the time to read it.

[MrkLin]

Hello, and to the board!

I'll echo what SexyRedmondCpl said about exploring this lifestyle with friends you already have. It can get very complicated indeed. A good lifestyle friend of ours once told us, "Don't try to make your friends swingers, make swingers your friends," and we've always found that advice to be sound.

Having said that, the truth is that if you want to meet swingers, you have to go where the swingers are. That leaves 5 options, really: Online, Swing Clubs, House Parties, Lifestyle Resorts, and Lifestyle Events.

There are a lot of websites out there geared toward the lifestyle, as I'm sure you've discovered, and some of them are scams, while some of them are legit. SexyRedmondCpl is correct that the two biggest are SwingLifestyle (Swing Lifestyle) and Adult Friend Finder (AFF.) We prefer Swing Lifestyle, but that's just our opinion. There are also various Yahoo groups geared toward swinging, but a lot of those are private, and you really need to know someone who's a member to even find them, let alone join them.

Might I suggest that before you try any website, you set up an e-mail account with one of the free e-mail services like Yahoo, and use it for just this activity. That way you don't combine e-mails from work or family with adult playtime. I'd also like to suggest that you start a free profile with Swing Lifestyle and just look around your area. Search for couples based on your zip code, and just explore at first. If you find that you don't like Swing Lifestyle, try AFF, and do the same - that is, explore your area first.

You don't have to come up with a complicated profile at first - just provide honest information to the questions that are asked when setting up your profile. You can always go back and edit your profile. Swing Lifestyle makes it very easy to add or remove info as the case may be. Personal information such as your names and e-mail address will remain hidden from public view unless you use them in your profile descriptions or somehow choose to make them public. You don't have to include any pictures if you don't want to, and a lot of people don't post any pictures at first. A profile with pictures will always get you more replies than a profile without, but if you’re just exploring, they’re not really necessary.

As you're exploring, pay attention to the profiles of others. This will not only give you an idea as to who is out there and what they’re looking for, but it’ll also give you some ideas as to how to better develop your own profile. In fact, as you look around this site, check out some of the Swing Lifestyle profiles of some of the posters here. Do this by looking at the poster’s info under their avatar. If that person has an Swing Lifestyle profile and has linked it to their Swinger’s Board username, you’ll see a link. (I right click the link, then open it in a new window, but that’s just me.) That will give you some idea as to how some of us have set up our profiles.

I’d like to applaud you both for your openness and honesty – especially with each other. As you know, it’s not an easy subject to approach at first, but you did it well. Just remember to take baby steps from here on out, until you both discover just what you’re looking for, and what your comfort levels and limits are. You both need to establish some ground rules, and stick to them. Rules can be open to discussion or modification, but never in a situation where one of you feels pressured to make a decision.

I’d also like to suggest that you check out my blog – especially the post titled “How We Got Involved in Swinging” (start with part 1, obviously.) I see a lot of similarity in how you approached it with your wife, and how I did the same. Although your reasons for exploring the lifestyle are different than ours, I’m sure you’ll both find a lot that applies to you – especially what you’re thinking as you explore this.

Remember – baby steps, limits, and rules. The most important thing in all of this is your relationship. If both of you remember that and respect one another above all else, you’ll find the lifestyle to be very fun indeed.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by landolakes

to be honest with you guys my wife is shy to the correspondence aspect of this process. she trusts that i know what i am doing. but the truth is i don't know what i should next. we don't have friends we want to ask and she is reluctant to the club scene at least for now.

only thing is that I really want to gain some new friends and not rush into it but i don't know how to look. any ideas?

I think we have some new folks that will soon be joining our midst!

I think you two are taking a very healthy and functional approach to this and doing the right things. I think you have a sound foundation from which to start exploring and researching the lifestyle and you have come to the right place to do that. I hope we can help.

Now then I do want to address the statements that I quoted up above. for starters it is real common for people who are interested in swinging to start looking through their pool of friends and coworkers. DON'T DO IT!!!

If you want to keep your friends as friends and you want to keep your good name in the community and you want to stay married to your spouse, KEEP YOUR FRIENDS, FAMILY, COWORKERS AND NIEGHBORS OUT OF YOUR BEDROOM!! This will give you an opportunity to make new friends that are already on the same page as you and have the same feelings as you and have had the same conversations as you. Your friends haven't done any of those things.

Also, I will ask you to challenge some of your current beliefs and preconcieved ideas you have about lifestyle clubs. LS clubs are actually one of the best places for new people to meet people and explore the lifestyle.

An off-premise club will not be wall to wall naked bodies all of which are trying to decend on you like a swarm of locusts. In a club you will meet like minded people like yourselves in a clean, safe and nonthreatening environment. The biggest thing you will acheive at your first club visit is you will see that the people there are just normal everyday people just like yourselves.

Research clubs a little more and read as many posts on this board as you can. Ask questions and keep having your talks between the two of you. It's ok to keep having hotter and nastier sex between the two of you as well It only gets hotter and nastier from here on out!!

[gnb4u]

Originally Posted by MrkLin

.

In fact, as you look around this site, check out some of the Swing Lifestyle profiles of some of the posters here. Do this by looking at the poster’s info under their avatar. If that person has an Swing Lifestyle profile and has linked it to their Swinger’s Board username, you’ll see a link. (I right click the link, then open it in a new window, but that’s just me.) That will give you some idea as to how some of us have set up our profiles.

This suggestion from Mrklin is a good idea, along with all the rest. You two sound exactly like us when we first started having our talks so I will offer you to take a look at our profile as some food for thought. I am not saying our profile is anything special but you sound as if you have the same interests and temperments as us so it may be worth a look for some ideas on where to start.

Other than that I'll just second what all the others have said. Keep talking and keep researching this together. Don't hit on your friends and do give the LS clubs some consideration.

The only thing I will add to what the others have said is that site like Swing Lifestyle and AFF are world wide and may not cater to your local area very well. T
here are often geographically localized websites that are more condusive to meeting people and finding out about partys and clubs and such in your area. You can do a search to see what you can find in your area.

And that brings up another reason to check out a club. At the club you can ask around what sites all the other people are on and they will often know which site serves your area the best.

Good luck and hope to see you posting more.

[Willing29]

We are also just starting out and are still going very very slow. As others have said the key is to keep talking between you two. We went to an on-premise club which is a good introduction to the LS. We still haven't hooked up with anyone there yet and we just go to dirty dance, maybe flash a little or have sex there with ourselves only (No means No and never any pressure at all to do anything you two are not comfortable with). It's a good way to dip your toes in at first. Also Swing Lifestyle is good place to start looking around but remember not to move too fast as there are many who troll there for newbees and it could wind not as good as you want it to. Just take your time and you will have fun.

[WildFire]

We are fairly new to the LS and also agree with everyone's postings here. To add, on our first On-Premise club visit (for this past Halloween), Mrs. Wildfire was a little nervous about attending a swing club. We visited the club as suggested a few hours before the club opened. She was quickly relieved to find regular people like us were also getting a club tour and filling out the membership forms. We were all either new members or were visting the club from other areas. We were all joking around at times during the tour which made us all feel at ease.
When we finally arrived for the party, it wasn't long that we were out dancing and enjoying the scene. We didn't have sex this first time there, but it was highly erotic on the dance floor. She was a hit with both the men and a few women (a new experience for her). We can't wait to go back and play this time... and one last important note, we would rather attend a swing club at this point than a regular dance club. People were nicer, no fights, no overly drunk people bumping into you, more security, etc... and if we decide to get naughty, we aren't some freak show to the vanilla crowd. (this has happened to us at regular clubs)
Also, take it slow with her. Respect that she may not be as educated about the swing lifestyle so far but it sounds like she is on the same page. Enjoy...

Mr. Wildfire

[landolakes]

Hey guys,
I love the feedback you guys are giving and I am seriously going to give the club scene a further thought . we live in NYC so if you guys have any good suggestions....

One thing i find funny is that at first i thought maybe i would be overeager, but internally i am at peace. i like going slow for now (even though i am looking really forward to a little play) and i like to see my wife fell so unpressed. we are switching roles a little and it is so cool. I really like to see her to be pleased and i know it would fun to actually see her in play. now if we can find that right couple...

we we are in are mid thirties and it looks like the years to come would be fun. i will keep you guys up on it.

[realcplub2]

First off congratulations

Welcome to the board

Now, given your location, you have a few options.. The first thing I would suggest, to echo my fellow posters, head to a site.. fill out the basics.. ALL the BASICS.. and get a basic profile up an running, then, before you plunk down $$ to join, surf the site.. most will allow you to do basic searches.. and see who, and whats in your area. or more importantly the area you are comfortable playing in..

Heading away from your nieghborhood, downtown, or out ofthe city to Westchester or Rockland are always options..

As far as clubs go, Sites like Swing Lifestyle will offer a pretty good listing of clubs, on site and off, read the info on them and make your mind up together..

Best of luck to you..

[JustAskJulie]

It sounds like you guys have already made a big leap just by opening up to each other and that is wonderful! I think for many folks whether they ever swing or not that is the best thing that comes out of even the idea of swinging. If you can open up and learn how to just be open and honest with each other about the little things and learn that you really have nothing to hide then everything becomes better.

Hopefully, she was right next to you when you wrote this post, and if not hopefully you've shown it to her since then and shown her this site. Let her take her time to look around and ask her own questions.

The next step should be something that you do together... actually all of the steps should be.

First, sit down and talk about what you want to see happen and make sure you are on the same page and both ready before you move any further. Talk about your fantasies and where you'd like to see it go. Talk about your limits and what you aren't ready for as well.

Once you have those established then you are ready to think about setting up a profile on a site like Adult Swingers Personals Service and LifeStyle info. but don't do that until you have the step above completed and you feel you are really ready to meet people. As someone earlier advised you can easily take a gander at many of the profiles of members here by using the link under their username. That will give you some ideas of what to include. There's also a thread here for "Profile Reviews" if you go through that you'll learn a lot as well on what to include and what not to include.

Most of all, just take your time and don't rush. Make sure you are both comfortable.

[dnmnms]

Just a quick hello and welcome.
When hubby and I first began this journey it started as somewhat teasing manner. Guess we were both unsure if the other was serious.
Then we would talk about it and get really wound up.
We have always been open to ideas IE: not confusing love with lust and know that you can be totally in love with your spouse but be sexually attracted to someone else. Talked it to death about not letting sexual attraction mess up a great marriage.
Being I have always had a girls night out once a month, he made sure that I knew that if the situation came up, I had his okay as long as it wasnt something that was hidden.
When its hidden would be the problem.
From that we decided that the excitement involved was seeing each other so we ventured into the LS.

Melody

[landolakes]

hey guys just to post an update. We now have a profile at Swing Lifestyle (bronxlatinfun) i initially set it up on my own with her permission. i have layed low for the last few weeks. letting the idea marinated with her, bringing up the subject from time to time but not going crazy. Well. it has been a month so i ask to speak to her again. more questions and she tells me she is now ready to see what i have been reading and writing. i show her this thread. she took to it. read it with interest. then i show her the profile. she then tells me to take out the camera.she wants a different profile pic from what i picked. that was fun . the photo session went far beyond what i expected . well she looks through some profiles with me and it really looks like it is going to happen. mind you we have been propositioned a cpl times and i share those with her. i show her some people i have been chatting with. she turned a cpl down because they werent her type but picked a cpl she liked. her only complaint is that all the pix are of woman only.she is also down with the idea of hitting the clubs. the one thing that really blew my mind was i ask her what she wanted and she said at least 6" or better but not a horse so it won't rip.
i am further shocked.

[ncmd_couple]

landolakes,

Well, it sounds like the two of you have been progressing. Continue to talk and explore together. Make sure that both of you have access to everything related to swinging. Don't hide anything. I can't stress that enough.

Good Luck!

S

[MrkLin]

Originally Posted by landolakes

hey guys just to post an update. We now have a profile at Swing Lifestyle (bronxlatinfun) i initially set it up on my own with her permission. i have layed low for the last few weeks. letting the idea marinated with her, bringing up the subject from time to time but not going crazy. Well. it has been a month so i ask to speak to her again. more questions and she tells me she is now ready to see what i have been reading and writing. i show her this thread. she took to it. read it with interest. then i show her the profile. she then tells me to take out the camera.she wants a different profile pic from what i picked. that was fun . the photo session went far beyond what i expected . well she looks through some profiles with me and it really looks like it is going to happen. mind you we have been propositioned a cpl times and i share those with her. i show her some people i have been chatting with. she turned a cpl down because they werent her type but picked a cpl she liked. her only complaint is that all the pix are of woman only.she is also down with the idea of hitting the clubs. the one thing that really blew my mind was i ask her what she wanted and she said at least 6" or better but not a horse so it won't rip.
i am further shocked.

Welcome back, and thank you for the update!

I took the liberty of checking out your Swing Lifestyle profile, and all I can say is, "Wow!" You really did an excellent job! It's no wonder you've already been contacted - you show a level of maturity and thought that most couples new to the lifestyle never even consider, let alone try to convey.

I'd like to say that I love the fact that you're both reading this site and looking at the Swing Lifestyle profiles together. Very often it's just one member of the couple online. Just keep doing what you're doing.

As far as finding profiles to be mostly just pictures of the woman, that's very common, It's also the subject of a couple of threads here. You might ask the couple to e-mail you pictures of the guy, or post some on Swing Lifestyle in a personal gallery, then give you access to that gallery. Most people won't have a problem doing that, but some will, so be prepared for that. You might want to invite them out for drinks or coffee to meet them in a neutral place, just to get to know them a bit before you move on to other things. We prefer to do that, and have had good success that way.

I hope you two have talked about setting some rules between the two of you, and setting some limits or boundaries. Some couples reserve kissing to themselves, and don't allow kissing with their playmates. Some reserve actual penetration to themselves. Things like that. You should be comfortable in knowing that she knows what rules, limits, or boundaries you have, and she should feel the same way about you. The fact that you two have good communication with each other already shows, so this discussion shouldn't be a problem. Just be completely open and honest with each other about what you like, don't like, want, and don't want.

If either of you is nervous, hesitant, or scared at all (and you will be,) just remember that things should progress at the pace of the slowest runner. Meaning that if she thinks things are moving too fast, you slow down - or if you think something doesn't feel right about a situation, you both stop things and regroup.

In any case, just keep doing what you're doing - explore, discuss, and enjoy. When you meet a couple you'd both like to get to know better, proceed at a pace that's comfortable for both of you. There's still no rush. Some people think that if they hurry up and get that first swap out of the way, things will just get better and better. Well, that might happen here and there, but it's always better to try to make each and every encounter as memorable as possible - starting with your first. Take your time, relax, and above all, enjoy.

Please keep in touch with us here. It sounds like you're well on your way, and I, for one, would love to hear how things are going with you two.