Questions about establishing relationship with single female and talking to my wife

[acorn42047]

Hello all,

Just found this website and it looks like exactly what my wife and I need!

My name is Steven and my wife is Joelyn. I'm a 29 year old Caucasian, I'm 6'2 170lbs with brown hair and green eyes. My wife is a beautiful Pacific Islander. She is 5'6 and 130 athletic pounds (brown hair and eyes off course).

My wife and I are in a profession where a lifestyle like swing is something that must be kept VERY secret.

With that said a little history. My wife and I have been married for 3 years and have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. We have talked about bringing a female into our relationship of and on for about 2 years. This is something that I would very much enjoy, but is mostly driven by my wife. I have had a few FMF encounters and am pretty experienced with sexual relationships. My wife on the other hand has had limited sexual encounters before me.

My wife first brought up the idea to me and as the majority of women I have been with were against sharing I thought she might just be trying to make me happy. After she broached the subject a few more times I came to realize that she was very serious.

So being the good husband that I am, I'm here to explore the possibilities and learn from more experienced couples as to how to set rules and guidelines and how to meet the right person. My wife and I definitely need to discus this more but I would like to have information and context to present to my wife.

No for a few of my questions.

1. My wife and I would prefer to have a more stable lasting, loving and trusting relationship with one female. Is this something that is accepted in the "swinging lifestyle?"

2. Where is a good place to meet a woman like this. I like clubs, but find they are not the best place to find a lasting relationship. Am I wrong on this account?

3. Any advice on talking with my wife in a loving respectful manner so we both get the most out of the experience would be helpful.

Thanks everybody. I'm really glad I found this site and hope I can be a valued member of this community.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by acorn42047

Hello all,

Just found this website and it looks like exactly what my wife and I need!

Welcome to the Swingers Board Steven & Joelyn

You have allot to learn about alternative lifestyles. You should do well with having Joelyn, talk about the many subjects here on the Swingers Board, first. With you...
You may want to check out the Getting Started, Curious about Swinging and the polly relationship forums.

1. My wife and I would prefer to have a more stable lasting, loving and trusting relationship with one female. Is this something that is accepted in the "swinging lifestyle?"

Yes

2. Where is a good place to meet a woman like this. I like clubs, but find they are not the best place to find a lasting relationship. Am I wrong on this account?

Yes... for now. You both have allot of things to talk about for now. There are sites that we prefer like this one, Swingers Board - Swingers Personal Ads

3. Any advice on talking with my wife in a loving respectful manner so we both get the most out of the experience would be helpful.

We can't say how to talk to your wife with positive results, without knowing how she feels about all this. Why not bring her here and show her, we are really normal people. Thats what I did
I think as a husband with a bisexual wife, playing with singles, you should realize a few things to begin with. There aren't a line of women out there for you to pick and choose from. We didn't begin this way, so I cant say, do this or that. It never works like that.
Just as in life, we encounter people in different ways. Some, might be playmates that you meet in a club. They might enjoy your sexual company for an evening and that may be all they want. Some may become close friends and sex may not ever happen, or may subside....

Playing with, or befriending single women, like you have intentions of here. Sounds almost impossible. You seem to be looking for more of a Polly, Triad relationship. Those can and do happen. I think you need to realize with looking for a female companion, as you are. Single women, have a life also. Don't you think there would be more than just what "you want" involved ? There will be, if you pursue a more loving relationship.

Next thing I think you should consider is, can you offer yourself to two women. I'm not talking about just the sex here. How about when the other female has problems ? What if she has other male friends ? What if their both PMS'ing on the same day Been there done that, WHEW !!!

Those may not be part of the fantasy. Its reality that we learn from.

You never know who you may be involved with. You aren't going to know, until you meet someone. Just as you and your wife didn't know many things about each other, when you first met. You are going to have to put yourselves out there, with all you have to offer, as a couple.

Thanks everybody. I'm really glad I found this site and hope I can be a valued member of this community.

Well, we hope you and Joelyn both, join in here anytime

[ncmd_couple]

Steven & Joelyn,

Welcome to the Swinger’s Board! Fun4Ds has put forward good advice, so I won’t repeat it. But as per usual, I do have some thoughts!

Your wife brought this up, and it is obvious that this is something that you are interested in as well. It is very good that you found this site; it has a ton of information in it. As you are interested in a Poly situation, there are additional resources available in the Poly & Swinging forum as well that I found to be helpful.

From my viewpoint, it is important that your wife lead in your search. You are important in this as you have to do this as a team, but she should pick, with your approval, any woman that you think you would like to approach. You also play an important part in providing Joelyn resources, like this site, so that she can come here and research what she is looking for. During that process, as you two talk about your individual desires and your desires as a couple, you will shape what the two of you want together. This is not going to be a short process by any stretch of the imagination.

On-line search sites such as Swing Lifestyle (Swing Lifestyle) are one way of searching for others. But don’t discount eHarmony and Match.Com as possibilities also. Years ago I found a very sweet lady on eHarmony that was Bi, and interested in a Poly relationship, but it didn’t work out. You can either join such a site as a female seeking female or male seeking female, but I would probably go with female seeking female. Then I would be honest in my profile about the situation.

As Fun4Ds said, the single ladies are not lined up out there waiting for you. We don’t call them Unicorns for nothing! But they are out there. The key to all of this is that the two of you work together and work very hard to stay in sync with each other. In the mean time, we will try to help you as much as we can. Good luck!

S

[acorn42047]

Thank you both for your responses.

fun4ds I read your post and have been thinking about it. I have also been going through some of the other threads and now have a little more context to speak from.

I'd like to tell you a little more about myself as I consider what I and my wife want. Giving you the best possible picture of myself and our relationship (from my side will greatly help in any decision we make).

I am currently in a land far far away from my wife and family. The situation Im in has limited ability to communicate effectively with my wife (no Im not in prison). I only get to call her once a week. When I get home in about 2 months we will both definitely be on this site together.

Recently I was on vacation with her back in California and she repeatedly asked if I would be angry if she kissed another girl. To which I would consistently answer that if I was not around I would not be happy. Let me say for the record that I trust my wife implicitly to not do anything like this. I can tell she definitely wants to experiment. This is fine with me, with the caveat that Im present and involved at least a little. With that said we have a great relationship (when Im around and still really good while Im gone) and I would rather do nothing then do something to jeopardize what we have.

Maybe I over stated what she has voiced to me by trusting I mean someone she trust to be clean (Im all about safe sex but it gets a little muddy with girls) and not just someone we picked up in a bar. As far as poly relationships go I have absolutely no idea what that is and will go check out the forum as soon as I'm done here. I did not really think of it as another "girlfriend" for both of us. That would be a challenge! I realize that there is a third person that would be involved and that person has needs and feelings of there own. Having you remind me did bring it into more focus. Thank you.

Ncmd in our relationship I tend to be the researcher. I tend to take things slower my wife is a little more impulsive. So while it is a decision we both ultimately have to make together. So where as she will definitly take the lead in finding a partner for us. It is my job to help us both understand what we are doing. This means that it will most likely be me to sit us down and go over our rules and such.

I would like to continue our discussion as I value your experience and opinions. Off to the poly forums!

Steven

[ncmd_couple]

Steven,

Thank you for your service to this great nation! Come home safe!! Ok, this all makes a lot more sense. Yeah, my wife is a bit impulsive at times, sigh What works for you two as a couple is what works for you. We will be here for ya'!

S

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by acorn42047

1. My wife and I would prefer to have a more stable lasting, loving and trusting relationship with one female. Is this something that is accepted in the "swinging lifestyle?"

2. Where is a good place to meet a woman like this. I like clubs, but find they are not the best place to find a lasting relationship. Am I wrong on this account?

First off, Welcome to the board!

To answer your questions... it sounds like what you are looking for is more along the lines of a poly type relationship. There are females out there looking for that, but I don't think a swinger site / arena (club, etc) is going to be the best place to look for them. You might want to look for a poly match type site.

Originally Posted by acorn42047

3. Any advice on talking with my wife in a loving respectful manner so we both get the most out of the experience would be helpful.

Thanks everybody. I'm really glad I found this site and hope I can be a valued member of this community.

What is is that you are having trouble communicating with your wife about? It sounded from your post that you are both on the same page regarding what you are wanting/ looking for. But then reading this question is sounds like maybe you are not.

[gnb4u]

I'm a little confused, in one post you say you want a "stable, lasting..." relationship with another woman but in your next post you say you are not looking for a girlfriend for the two of you.

I am also a little concerned about what may be really taking place behind the scenes here. I am all for a night of hot FMF sex ( or any other kind of hot sex for that matter) but anytime people talk about wanting extra relationships or feelings etc the pucker factor starts rising exponentially.

From your descriptions of your wife's interest it almost sounds to me like she DOES want a girlfriend or possibly has even already had something happen and now she wants you to sign off on it. All women realize every man on the planet dreams of an FMF but is there a possibility she may be exploiting that desire for her own benifit somehow?

I'm not necessarily saying she is cheating but I'm picking up some disturbance in the Force here. Something is not quite adding up right. Is there any chance she may have a bit of actual lesbian orientation in her?

If you are serving our country I want your head in the game and not worrying about what is happening at home but at the same time I can't give you advice on how to find other chicks if I'm concerned there may be something fishy going on here.

[acorn42047]

gnb4u your confusion is natural as any type of forum discussion, especially with a new member. Without the non-verbal communication it's difficult to get a real sense of the other person.

To tell the truth I still question what we want. Thats why I'm here. There are so many different levels of relationship that trying to describe it is difficult. As I stated before I trust my wife implicitly. No Question. End of story.

I would from my point of view describe my wife as bi-curious. But I know my wife and she wouldn't have sex with someone that she didn't have emotional feelings for. This is not to say she has to "be in love" as I've heard some described in other forums. She is just not into casual sex. This is the dilemma. It almost seems like she wants another girl 1. to explore her own desires and 2. to get me horny. I.E. to my thinking it's hard to explore something with another person while having an emotional attachment while still considering the third persons feelings. I hope that makes sense.

If she is trying to exploit my FMF desire to get something out of it, isn't that what compromising and being in a relationship means? If this happened and it was a great experience I wouldn't feel exploited.

Julie, My wife and I are not having trouble communicating I was just looking for advice along the line of guidelines and rules for any encounter we have. We have a basic understanding that we would both like to involve another female in our relationship. It's just the how that I'm thinking about and as it seems people here have an abundance of experience I thought this would be the right place to ask. It's not like you can get advice on this subject just any where .

Thanks for all your input. It gives me a lot to think about.

Steven

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by acorn42047

Recently I was on vacation with her back in California and she repeatedly asked if I would be angry if she kissed another girl. To which I would consistently answer that if I was not around I would not be happy.

Why would you not be happy ?

I tend to take things slower my wife is a little more impulsive. So while it is a decision we both ultimately have to make together. So where as she will definitly take the lead in finding a partner for us. It is my job to help us both understand what we are doing. This means that it will most likely be me to sit us down and go over our rules and such.

I think you need to talk about comfort levels for now. If your wife is truly bisexual how can you make the rules ?
Thats like saying I'll allow you to be this much bisexual.. for me .

What if you have no chemistry for someon she does have feelings for ? Will you want her to be less, bisexual then ?

Then, someone you do have chemistry for, and she doesent ?

Should she be more, bisexual then ?

I consider myself a fortunate guest in this part of my wifes life and feelings. I have no rules, I can however, talk to my wife about how I feel. I listen to her....

[acorn42047]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

Why would you not be happy ?



What if you have no chemistry for someon she does have feelings for ? Will you want her to be less, bisexual then ?

Then, someone you do have chemistry for, and she doesent ?

Should she be more, bisexual then ?

These questions get into "resentment" category for me. My safe guard for a situation like this would be a no questions asked veto rule for my wife and I.

Also I'm a guy and have no problem with sex just for sex, no emotional attachment.

fun4ds the idea of no rules is kinda scary for me to be honest. In fact mixing the word love into that is truthfully incomprehensible to me. That said if we found the unicorn my wife would probably be the one with rules for me (no fucking, kissing, licking whatever). This wouldn't matter to me. I would let her do anything with the other girl, as long as I could fuck my wife before, during, and/or after.

As I read more threads I think that what we want isn't "swinging" or "poly." I do not want to share my wife with another man, and she doesn't want to be shared (so not swinging). You folks bring up good points and give me things to think about. I may not be into exactly what you are but you bring a diverse perspective to the table.

[screaminggood]

Hi Acorn,

I'm a bi-fem, and I understand why you wouldn't be happy if your wife was kissing some lady without you there....It's the same reason you wouldn't be happy if your wife was kissing some guy without you there. And it's perfectly all right! We have a similar understanding. While I sometimes play with women while he's there to watch, I never play without him in the room. There are a lot of guys out there who don't like it, and write to say they would feel unhappy with it, but for my husband, he gets extra fringe benefits on those nights....because I'm so turned out when I've had a great experience with woman that I'm crawling all over him for days. You two may want to look for some of the "bi-women and their SOs" sites for what you're interested in. Good luck!

[fun4Ds]

Hope your finding the information here helpful....It does take time and communication

We are just curious. As you mentioned you would be the one to sit down and go over the rules.

What are your rules at this point ?

What are Joelyn's rules at this point ?

What rules would you expect from this possible female ?

[acorn42047]

Originally Posted by screaminggood

Hi Acorn,

I'm a bi-fem, and I understand why you wouldn't be happy if your wife was kissing some lady without you there....It's the same reason you wouldn't be happy if your wife was kissing some guy without you there. And it's perfectly all right! We have a similar understanding. While I sometimes play with women while he's there to watch, I never play without him in the room. There are a lot of guys out there who don't like it, and write to say they would feel unhappy with it, but for my husband, he gets extra fringe benefits on those nights....because I'm so turned out when I've had a great experience with woman that I'm crawling all over him for days. You two may want to look for some of the "bi-women and their SOs" sites for what you're interested in. Good luck!

Wow, you took the words right out of my mouth (no pun intended).

Fun4ds, My rules at this time would be, another male could be present and do what ever he wished by himself or with his SO. No touching my wife. As far as my wife and the other female, anything goes. Whatever my wife is comfortable with.

As far as joelyns rules I'm not going to speculate. On Saturday I will broach the subject and see what happens.

As far as the other women that was involved I would be totally fine with a hands off policy.

I think to start we would use the encounter to A. see how my wife likes it and B. to enhance our own sex afterwards.

Steve

[fun4Ds]

Did you get a chance to talk ?

[acorn42047]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

Did you get a chance to talk ?

We sure did, and it was a great conversation. I started by asking my wife to tell me in depth what her fantasy was. She told me that she wants to go all out with another female (good news for me). She explained that she wants to see me fuck and give oral to the other woman. She said she does not have any rules for me as far as what I can and can't do with either of them. Of course I told her that I was fine with that.

After we talked about rules between the participants I brought up rules for my wife and I. We came to the decision that either of us would have a no questions asked veto rule. I told my wife that if at any time she felt uncomfortable she could just say stop and we would stop. She seemed a bit surprised at this but admitted it is a good idea.

W also talked about what it would mean for the other woman. We decided to be upfront and tell her that we are just looking for an occasional playmate. If the other woman is not ok with that then it is fine, we can wait. She is going to look into a few websites that I found and start looking for a suitable playmate. I told my wife she needs to take the lead on this as the decision is mostly up to her.

The subject of another man in the room was not brought up. I don't think my wife is interested in any type of swapping. All in all it was a great talk. Open and honest. I let her know if she just wanted this to remain a fantasy I had no problem with that.

I know there is more to talk about. I would like to thank everyone on this board that helped me, your advice, questions and experiences helped guide me and with out it I think our talk would have been much less fruitful. They way you folks took an interest in my situation made me feel like you really cared. Even though the lifestyle you follow is not for us I feel like I've found new friends. I will continue frequenting this board as it's a great source of advice. Try asking your buddy about how he shaves his junk . I'll contribute where I can, but I think I will get more then I give.

Steve