How do I know if I am going to get jealous or not...

[ThinkSwing]

Is Swing the right lifestyle for us. I am kinda scared that me or my husband will get jealous. This is new to both of us but how considered it for a long time now..Can some of you help and guide us. Please let us know how was it for you when you started.....Thanks

[sweet_tna]

The short answer: Not until you try it.

Longer answer: It's not for everyone, but if you and your husband have a strong, loving marriage, and good communication, it can work. You say the lifestyle is something you've been considering for a long time. What's held you back from trying? Is it the fear of jealousy? Have you told your husband about this fear? What has he said? Has he ever exhibited jealous behavior before?

Mr. Sweet and I had never had jealous feelings in the 14 years we'd been together before the idea of swinging came up. When it did, that was the least of our concerns--our biggest that no one would want us, or our lack of sexual experience. Neither concern proved to be an issue, thankfully.

That said, we jumped in feet first, and realized that seeing each other please and be pleased by another partner was quite the turn-on. A few months later, Mr. Sweet did begin to have some jealous twitches, but had pushed them aside. He wasn't used to dealing with his feelings, much less talking about them. But we talked about it (ad nauseum) and eventually, we sorted it all out. We made some minor adjustments to our rules/guidelines, and it' all good.

So TALK to your husband about these concerns and figure out what your comfort levels are. Share the board with him, and let him read this thread. He can give his own perspective.

Most of us have some basic rules/guidelines that help us to stay within those comfort levels. And you don't have to jump right into things like Mr. Sweet and I did, either. You could start slowly, by just going to a club (even a vanilla one) and dance/flirt with other folks and see how ya'll feel.

=)

[iapr]

Noone can answer that question for you.
That is only something you can answer.


Do either of you get jealous irrationally or for no valid reason? Do either of you get jealous due to your own insecurities.

Have either of you given the other a legitimate reason to be jealous or suspicious?


If you answered yest to any of those you should probably proceed with caution and have a lot of discussions on what will and what won't trigger your jealousies.

[JoCoCpl]

Originally Posted by ThinkSwing

Is Swing the right lifestyle for us. I am kinda scared that me or my husband will get jealous. This is new to both of us but how considered it for a long time now..Can some of you help and guide us. Please let us know how was it for you when you started.....Thanks

We're new too, and we haven't had any actual sexual encounters. We're veterans of "vanilla" generic Internet chatrooms where lots of flirting (sometimes more) took place, and lots of "real life" heavy flirting involving kissing, touching, etc. without issues. We're confident that this will carry over in our case for the most part. I'm sure there will be some jealousy, but we're stable enough in our marriage to be able to handle it and talk through any issues.

I guess the question I'm leading to is what kinds of experiences do the two of you have with other people in the way of flirting and beyond? How have you reacted to your partner being the subject of a heavy flirt, kiss, touch, etc.? Is your relationship strong enough to work through it?

I'm of the belief that you'll never really know until it happens, but you may be able to get some kind of feeling for it based on those milder experiences.

I'm sure the veterans will be able to give deeper advice. Good luck!

[2inSanDiego4u]

Here is a discussion about emotions and jealousy which might help:

Emotions - the first time you saw your partner with someone else?

[cplnuswing]

Just proceed carefully at the pace of the slowest person and see how it goes. It's truly is something you can't answer until you have experienced it for yourself.

One thing to keep in mind though is swinging is about recreational sex, not looking for greener pastures. The type of jealousy many initially fear is "the what if he/she finds someone they like better than me" type. Has that EVER happened in a swinging environment? Sure it has. But, it also happens in the workplace, the waitress at the coffee shop, etc, etc. Does it regularly happen in a swinging environment, absolutely not. If you could somehow compile statistics on this, undoubtedly you probably both have a lot more to fear when the spouse goes to work every morning than if you go to a swing club twice every weekend. Once you realize that most swinger couples are very dedicated to each other, and this is something they do to enrich their own lives together as a couple, then you'll see not as much to worry about as you thought.

If it's the "what if he/she is better in bed than I am" jealosy, you'll discover too that the best swinging sex still doesn't substitute for the kind of sex you have in your relationship, so nothing to be jealous of there either.

Everyone is different, and for someone who was not a jealous person to begin with, easy for me to say this stuff. But, honestly can say jealously hasn't really been an issue with us. The only time it has been an issue at all was when we were very new and one side of the other couple, also inexperienced, was perhaps a little overenthusiastic at times. We recognized the red flag, admittedly probably a little later than we would now, talked about it, recalibrated, and everything was fine.

[ThinkSwing]

Thank you all for your advise..We will take slow to start and hopefully it will be as fun as I think it will be..both of us are very socialable people and enjoy the conpany of friends..You all give us very good advise...

[cpl4funindel]

As others have noted, you won't know until you've tried it.

In our case, we started a couple months ago and in our first full-swap session I did have some level of anxiety when seeing her with another man... Not enough to stop the play, but I did have some discomfort with it. After everything was done, she and I had a long talk about what both of us felt, and were feeling. It actually helped us confront some things we hadn't before, and we were able to work past it together. In the end, we came through stronger than ever and our experiences after that have gotten better and better. Quite honestly, I think I'd have been worried if I hadn't been a little jealous.

Either way, as you'll read in nearly every thread on these forums communication is the key. If you go into it with eyes open and maintain trust between you, the rest will work itself out.

Good luck!

P&S

[Willing29]

As everyone has mentioned before me you will never know until you do it. We are actually new as well and only had a real soft experience about week and a half ago. It went well with little or no jealousy and nothing that was a show stopper. Our newbie experience is like everyone says talk, talk, talk!!! And when you are done with that talk again . So after our first run we are still in it but going very very slow and not jumping in to fast. Another good thing to do is try clubs where you can be with each other but still be surrounded by the atmosphere. Good luck!

[LFM2]

I remember the first time we played with another couple, I had this exact question in the back of my mind.

I wondered how I'd react seeing my husband with another woman, and I'm sure (Later on, he confirmed my suspicion) he wondered if he'd be a bit jealous seeing me with another man.

When we'd gotten into the thick of things, clothes off, naked bodies all over the place, I was totally surprised that there wasn't any jealousy at all, but where jealousy should have been was a huge basket of erotic voyeurism and watching him with another woman was one of the hottest things I've ever seen. It was so much fun watching and really getting a birds eye view of what it must look like when we have sex between just the two of us. Not only that, this thought of how lucky this woman was that "he" was with "her" because I knew what an excellent lover he was, she's probably having the time of her life. I am however, slightly biased.

We've played many times since that first time, and yet no jealousy issues have arisen, I'm glad to say. It just keeps getting better and better.

The only person that can answer this question is you. It's your relationship and only you can know just how open the lines of communication are. Hopefully, you've both talked openly, honestly and deeply with each other, barring no questions, feelings or emotions. Hopefully, you're both on the same page and have discussed what your limitations are.

[WesternSwing]

When Mrs. WS and I started swinging the idea turned both of us on. Afterward I did get a bit jealous because Mrs. WS became attached to the other couple a bit more than I thought would happen. That's how I found this board; trying to resolve my own issues, because I knew they were my own. Mrs. WS wasn't leaving me, I was more than enough for her. And all this was so contrary to how I viewed myself. I had never felt insecure before. I didn't like myself. So I worked on myself and fixed me.

Have I been jealous since? Yeah, from time to time I have in minute amounts. I've been mostly envious since it's much easier for married woman to find a horny guy to play with than it is a married man to find a horny woman to play with. Most of the time she gets much more solo action than I do.

Has Mrs. WS felt jealous also? Yes. The first time I played solo I didn't even get past oral sex with the other woman before my cell phone was ringing and I had to go home to comfort Mrs. WS. She felt horrible about it, but that's how she felt at the time. She since has gotten over that.

But there are moment when some insecurity can still creep in. The thing to remember is that jealousy is personal insecurity. It is the fear that you do not have value or worth to your partner, and thus someone else will be preferred over yourself. The only thing you can do to counter it is to develop self-confidence. Only when you are confident in yourself and your value to your partner can you then not feel jealousy because you'll know you are are "it" for them and everything else, no matter how momentarily exciting and new, is just icing on the cake.

Mr. WS

[SnakeBabe]

I just don’t get jealous so starting was easy. Why?
When I wake up my husband tells me how beautiful I am.
By lunch time he is signing love songs to me
During an afternoon swim he sits pool side and watches me.
At Dinner he stays at the table just talking to me until I’m done eating.
The is so much more but this silly stuff shows love to me. He does not give to any other women, ever. So when I see him with other women it is obvious he loves me and she is only a bit of physical fun.
Look at the things your husbands does that makes you feel loved and special. I am sure you will see it is only for you too. Hopefully that will help with any jealous thoughts.
It made it easy for me.
Hugs and Hissessss,
Maria

[lovefest04]

The advice here so far is great. I agree with all of it.

I do want to add that you may in fact become jealous. It does happen and there are many little opportunities for one to feel left out, excluded, ignored or whatever. I have seen these things lead to jealously.

What is important to remember is that if you feel pangs of jealously, you can choose how to react to it. I like to tell folks to try to place those feeling outside your relationship. You know, take the jealously and place in over on the table and let you and your partner look at it. Don't allow it to become more than it is.

Remember you love each other and you can work through whatever comes your way, jealousy, financial troubles, health issues etc. These are all things that stress our relationships, yet don't have to affect our relationships unless we allow them to do so. (I get that this is a generalization)

You may find that you have no jealous feelings, you may find that you do have feelings of jealousy. Either reaction is ok. I've actually had people say, "I can't believe you don't get jealous when she plays with another man and vis-a-versa" Many see that lack of jealousy as an issue. But, really it all boils down to you and your partner and how you feel about each other.

You may get jealous and decide not to swing again, that's ok. Just put the experience in a box and move on with the rest of you wonderful life together. Life experiences are fun and they need no destroy our relationships. Think No Drama.

Best of luck,

Lovefest

[cpl4funindel]

Originally Posted by SnakeBabe

I just don’t get jealous so starting was easy. Why?
When I wake up my husband tells me how beautiful I am.
By lunch time he is signing love songs to me
During an afternoon swim he sits pool side and watches me.
At Dinner he stays at the table just talking to me until I’m done eating.
The is so much more but this silly stuff shows love to me. He does not give to any other women, ever. So when I see him with other women it is obvious he loves me and she is only a bit of physical fun.
Look at the things your husbands does that makes you feel loved and special. I am sure you will see it is only for you too. Hopefully that will help with any jealous thoughts.
It made it easy for me.
Hugs and Hissessss,
Maria

Wow... Sometimes you just read something and it just clicks... This is my wife and I to a T. Thanks for describing it so well!

P&S

[beachguyz]

Why would you get jealous? It's just sex right? I find that when I used to be jealous it was about my insecurities. It has nothing to do with my partner. Men and women have to get away from the notion that we have a hold on someone. We are our own people and will do whatever we want to do. It doesn't even mean that we are immoral people but we are driven by emotions.