Hello all any advice for the newbie?

[ronge2525]

Hi everyone....

I am a husband who is curious about the lifestyle...very new to the board..here's my story.

A few years back, in the throws of passion, my wife stated that the she was interested in another female....we went through the stages of viewing porn (girl on girl) and this would turn her on like I had never seen her turned on before. We then decided to have a baby, like many others our sex life became much more infrequent, and my wife no longer was interested in doing the things we once did and talking about the things we onced talked about during sex. She has on occasion stated, when I have asked to watch porn together "What, I'm not good enough".

Fast forward to very recently, I've been nudging her a bit to get us back to where we once were, so last night we watched a porn of MMF. At first she was acting very disgusted by the whole idea, then all of a sudden almost out of nowhere she says "You know, this is making me really wet"...indeed she was, needless to say, it turned into a wild sexual escapade that went on for hours and multiple rooms, multiple orgasms, it was everything i have been hoping for.

During the throws of passion, i told her that I wouldn't mind if she wanted to introduce another man into sex (or woman). She said, another man wasn't something that turned her on, but the idea of another woman was a possibility, BUT, it would have to be me and the other woman satisfying my wife and nothing between the "other' woman and myself....which I'm totally okay with obviously.

The thing is my wife is very much not into talking about this extensively and I'm trying not to push the issue too much and letting things kind of unravel naturally.

Just a side note, she thinks she is not good looking (she is a smoking hot mom and I'm not just saying that, she really is)...she is very self concious of her looks and i think if she got past that she would be much more into all of this. she has consistently said that she doesn't think people think she is hot, when I know for certain that this is not the case.

I am rambling and I apologize for that, but has anyone else had this experience and have any advice for me?

[fun4Ds]

Welcome to the Swingers Board

Always keep the lines of communication open with your wife. It's one of the best ways to keep a relationship healthy.... Swinging or not.

Have you thought about sharing this website with her ? There are many women and men here that understand how you both might feel. No one pushes things, we just have a different outlook about our sexuality.

[rpu3]

I'm sure you'll get plenty of opinion, but you might want to check out the Getting Started Archive, which has sub-topics which may be of interest regarding your situation. The main forum is located Getting Started - The Swingers Board here.

[BiloxiCouple]

Read the forums here. Some of your answers may already be there and there may be some questions you haven't even thought of yet.

[midnightplayer]

Find a meet and greet about two hours from your house. Get a babysitter and plan for a weekend trip to the meet and greet. Get a hotel room; make it a suite, king bed and tell her to dress her best for the meet and greet. This forum will get her exposed to normal people in a fully clothed situation and give her a chance to see she is an equal to the women in the lifestyle. Even if you don't meet anyone you feel you want to get naked with, I am sure that night back in the suite will be very hot between the two of you. Good luck

[Willing29]

First welcome from some other Jersey board members. Second as a few have mentioned the best thing is to keep the communication open and honest. My wife and I are just starting out and haven't had any real adventures yet but we are taking it very very slow as suggested by many and it seems to be working fine that way. Our advice is to do only what you are comfortable with and you should enjoy yourself.

[N&G]

Originally Posted by ronge2525

During the throws of passion, i told her that I wouldn't mind if she wanted to introduce another man into sex (or woman). She said, another man wasn't something that turned her on, but the idea of another woman was a possibility, BUT, it would have to be me and the other woman satisfying my wife and nothing between the "other' woman and myself....which I'm totally okay with obviously.

The only obvious thing that I see here is that it is totally one sided. She plays with the female but you can't. Are you sure this is what you want? At some point you might change your mind and find that the agreement is non-negotiable on her part. She may still want to play because she is having too much fun and will say "You agreed to it".

[Willing29]

Originally Posted by N&G

The only obvious thing that I see here is that it is totally one sided. She plays with the female but you can't. Are you sure this is what you want? At some point you might change your mind and find that the agreement is non-negotiable on her part. She may still want to play because she is having too much fun and will say "You agreed to it".

Also you have the issue of finding a female who only wants to please and not be pleased, good luck on that.

[BiloxiCouple]

Try talking about her fantasy when not in the throes of passion. It may just be a way of getting off instead of something that is going to become a reality. Dirty talk is just that sometimes.

When she has you tied in the corner so you can watch her do another woman then that is dirty action.

[ncmd_couple]

Ron,

First off, welcome to the Swinger’s Board! I agree with the others that communications is key, and something for you to keep working on.

I have some things that I want you to keep in mind about your situation. The two of you have had a life changing event, you now have a child, and your life will never return to what it was before your child came into your lives. Raising a child is a wonderful thing, I have three myself, and looking back, I have few regrets. But your life has changed, and you need to accept that. Your wife is wired by nature to nurture your child. Your child became the center of her universe, and that isn’t going to change in the near future. You have to accept that.

This means that there will be changes in your sexual lives as well. What those changes will be, I don’t know as we each are different. Both of you are also changing in ways that you may not even realize right now. The key is that the two of you have to work closely together as a team and both change together and in the same directions. If you don’t, you will wind up like me. After 25 years of marriage, I realized that my ex-wife and I had nothing in common with each other.

Swinging in any form may not be in the cards for you two for many years to come. But that is the way life is. Don’t let it frustrate you. Enjoy the love and loving that you and your wife share today. Keep that home fire stoked and enjoy life as it is lived. Don’t try to push, or even gently nudge, your wife into anything at all.

Also, it is very important that the two of you be completely open and honest with each other. Tell her that this is something you are interested in, but that you will wait, maybe forever, till the time is right for the both of you. The up side to all of this is that kids do grow up, faster than you can imagine! Enjoy life, have fun with each other, and make sure that you reach the end of the child rearing road hand in hand.

S

[ronge2525]

Thanks to all for your great comments.

At this point, I'm trying to go very slowly and see what my limits and her limits are...I know she is not revealing all to me and that's ok. I try to speak about things with her when "not in the throws of passion" but, she is very much not into talking about it so much.

She made some comments about some friends to me during our great session which I found surprising, saying that all the "girls" talk about my "size" (i'm a bit above average), she wouldn't elaborate into who though but for me it was kind of obvious as she hangs with the same crew a lot.

I ordered a couple of naughty dvds and I'm going to go down this path for now, she really enjoyed it and I think for now it's a good way to keep the momentum going in a positive direction.

I have to continue to work on the communication, that has been the toughest part so far because she is not willing to reveal her fantasies, she sometimes says she has none.

[jjtrindc]

We'd like to join everyone else here and welcome you to the board. Totally agree with all of the other posters about keeping the lines of communications going, both inside and outside of the bedroom. Ask lots of questions, express to her your feelings, etc.

We also see a couple of issues here...the first being getting into the lifestyle and the second about self-esteem. They are two very different issues though often times get bundled together as you'll see in other posts. Indeed they were both issues we dealt with ourselves.

We wanted to throw out the thought about relying less on the adult movies. Don't get us wrong, watching adult oriented programming is something we enjoy - though we tend to like shows like Real Sex on HBO or Sexcetera on Playboy TV vs. hard core adult action which in many ways just seems boring to us. The point is that porn movies can create a false sense of reality in terms of performance, looks, expectations, etc...and could be part of the self esteem issues. Clearly, the movies are working for your wife so they should still have a place in your sex life.

We would recommend just getting out there and meeting other lifestyle folks. There are many ways. Meet and greets are pretty informal gatherings at bars. We like off-premise clubs (meaning no sex on premise) which allows you to go out, have fun, but sexy but not be under any pressure to "perform." On-premise clubs can be just as fun but for newbies and be a bit more intimidating. Either way, you are meeting folks and realizing that we are all normal, fun loving people.

It was exactly this path that got us both comfortable with experimenting with the lifestyle. And when my wife saw the various sizes, shapes, etc of the people she quickly realized that she had no reason to be shy about her looks or dress. We actually laugh at some of the dresses she pulls out of the closet that were her "sexy" dresses.

Once you are ready to jump in, it's always a good time to discuss and re-discuss the ground rules. But that's another thread

[herpob]

Loads of great advice here for certain - out of them all I think the following two posts are the two you need to consider and work through first.

MAKE absolutely certain YOU are okay with this. Trust me it changes once you are really doing it, your arousal will change what you want.

Originally Posted by N&G

The only obvious thing that I see here is that it is totally one sided. She plays with the female but you can't. Are you sure this is what you want? At some point you might change your mind and find that the agreement is non-negotiable on her part. She may still want to play because she is having too much fun and will say "You agreed to it".

Originally Posted by Willing29

Also you have the issue of finding a female who only wants to please and not be pleased, good luck on that.

VERY one sided here. VEEEERRRRY!

Be careful and make sure this is what you want before you move forward.

[iapr]

Enjoying porn and actually bringing 3rd parties into your bedroom are two completely different things. If you are starting to get your sexlife back and she is starting to get her sexdrive back after childbaring enjoy that and get back into the grove again before you start trying to bring others into your bed.

If you two are enjoying porn as an added augmentation to your sexlife that is fine too. As others have stated porn is not real. Porn is hired actors with perfect bodies who perform flawlessly without any issues or hang-ups. Swinging is not like that. Swinging is real life and while the sex and the orgasms are real, the issues and hang-ups and problems arising from it can be real as well.

The fact that she became upset and thought she wasn't good enough over porn is a redflag that she isn't ready for a 3rd party to be introduced into your bedroom.

Another potential problem is that is that she is only somewhat interested in finding a single fem to just play with her and and not allow any interaction with you. There are real live swingers that are very active in the lifestyle that have looked for years to find a single fem to join them and haven't found any.

Real flesh and blood females are just not programed to join couples in their bedroom just because they enjoyed a porn movie and want to give it a whirl.

If you are enjoying a renewed rivival of your sexlife after childbirth and you are enjoying an occasional night of porn, go with that and enjoy that and consider putting swinging on the backburner for awhile.

[ronge2525]

well the plot thickens, a little bit anyway

Last night I mustered up the courage to bring up the discussion without being in the throws of passion. It was quite interesting and quite what I expected.

I told her that the whole idea of a threesome is intriguing, but if it were one-sided as she suggested I would rather it be another man than another woman if I would not be able to participate with the woman. She basically said she couldn't handle me being with another woman and then asked me "you really would want another cock in me?" and I told her the absolute truth that the idea really turned me on. She seemed a bit taken back by my response and said she didn't think inviting someone else into the bedroom was a good idea. But I could definitely see the wheels turning inside of her brain.

In addition, she acknowledged that she is a bit reservered in coming out to me entirely and said she wants me to keep probing her because it's helping her to break out of the shell. I told her I don't want to make her feel that this is something that only I want, it's a together thing and if she's not feeling it, then so be it. But I wanted to throw it out there because it's been on mind and i want to be truthful with her. I'm not about to cheat on her, and I told her that too. She has the mindset that a threesome is cheating, and I'm not sure I'll ever get her past that and I'm okay with that, really. Just having a good time together is what matters most to me.

So now I'm going to back off for a while and see what happens.