Considering swinging with friends

[SexyLilThing]

About a month or so ago, my husband reveled a secret that most would consider detrimental to a marriage. Thankfully, I am not as closed minded as he originally thought and I'm hoping these talks continue to grow us a individual people and as a married couple.

We've been married for four years now and this past month, he's began telling me stories that involves our two best friends ... also a married couple. Seems like he's already had relations with them ... numerous times ... and now it is being suggested that I join in on the fun and the bond that obviously came out of the experiences.

I absolutely adore these two and could very easliy see myself joining in ... however, I am SO very new to the whole idea ... I feel lost in their conversations and their normal routine of things. The nights spent with them are some of the most memorable nights I have ever had and although nothing has even been considered concerning me, until recentally, the friend's wife is known as OUR wifey and I am known as THEIRS, if that will explain the closeness between the four of us.

But as far as I, alone, go ... I have never even thought about stepping outside of my marriage to fulfill any fantasies. Regardless of how tantalizing the notion is ... All of his experiences, btw, happened in the year or two before we got married, but we were still together, if that makes any sense?

Where the issues come in is that the other couple, and for the longest time, even my husband, thought of it as cheating on me ... even though I have never took that stance on the situation, we weren't, after all, married at the time ... but the whole "truth" didn't come out until about a month ago ...

I feel confused and intrigued all at the same time ... and I know I'd LOVE to "go there" with them and gain that bond that they share ... because of their shared interests ... and shared LOVE for one another.

Please forgive me if I stumble over my self until I find my footing in all of this. I do not ever judge and I have a mind as open as the Texas Summer Sky ... I just would very much like and appreciate insight on how to go about "doing" it (no pun intended) without jeapordizing the friendships at stake.

I look forward to getting to know all who roam these boards, and am hoping to meet some new friends along the way.

Thank you for having this site ... Thank you, Thank you, THANK YOU!!

[nice_cpl_n_bama]

My wife and I for many years had a relationship with our close friends. We have some really good memories from that. Until a few years ago when they had to move away we never played with anyone else. I hope you have as many happy times with your friends as we did with ours
I'd suggest that the next thing for you to do is sit down with all four of you and have a frank discussion of what you all expect and what the ground rules will be. Is it ok with you if your husband continues playing with them without you there? Is it ok if you spend an evening with them without your husband present? How about you and the other guy having an evening alone? Are there any affectionate or sexual acts that are "special" and saved only for your husband? Are you and your hunband agreeing to play only with them, or are you free to find other adventures too? Are they?
If you don't know the answers to these questions and others like them you might end up with hurt feelings. It's extremely important that everyone understands the rules before you begin playing the game.
Another aspect that jumped out at me was "our wife." If that is meant literally you might be talking more about polyamory than swinging. You can find more information about the poly life in the poly forum here, as well as websites and newsgroups on the topic. If it's a poly relationship where you are all married to each other, then there are even more questions to be answered. In any case, knowing what you want and what the rules are before anything happens is the key.
My wife and I have been very happy for 21 years with an open relationship. We hope you have as much fun as we have.
Jeff and Laurie

[The Fuse]

Wow.

First of all, welcome to the Board. Glad you are here.

nice_cpl_n_bama gave you some great advice in his reply to your post. Lots of discussions will probably help. He is right about the polyamory part, as well.

I am floored, in a good way, by how accepting you seem of what has already happened and by your not seeming to be hurt by it. By that, I mean the relations your husband had with your friends while you were together but not married, AND by the secrecy that has taken place between then and now. Of the two things, I think the secrecy is the more important. I suggest you take things slowly, very slowly, so that you have a chance to truly absorb what has happened, before doing anything.

You sound so nice, so open-minded, so ready to believe the best about your husband and friends. I think that is a great attitude. If they all have your best interests at heart as well, your situation could turn out amazing. I hope that is the case for you.

Please stick around and continue to share. It's a very supportive group.

[nice_cpl_n_bama]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

nice_cpl_n_bama gave you some great advice in his reply to your post.

Thank you. I'm glad you liked it. Great avatar BTW.

[SexyLilThing]

Originally Posted by nice_cpl_n_bama

My wife and I for many years had a relationship with our close friends. We have some really good memories from that. Until a few years ago when they had to move away we never played with anyone else. I hope you have as many happy times with your friends as we did with ours
I'd suggest that the next thing for you to do is sit down with all four of you and have a frank discussion of what you all expect and what the ground rules will be. Is it ok with you if your husband continues playing with them without you there? Is it ok if you spend an evening with them without your husband present? How about you and the other guy having an evening alone? Are there any affectionate or sexual acts that are "special" and saved only for your husband? Are you and your hunband agreeing to play only with them, or are you free to find other adventures too? Are they?
If you don't know the answers to these questions and others like them you might end up with hurt feelings. It's extremely important that everyone understands the rules before you begin playing the game.
Another aspect that jumped out at me was "our wife." If that is meant literally you might be talking more about polyamory than swinging. You can find more information about the poly life in the poly forum here, as well as websites and newsgroups on the topic. If it's a poly relationship where you are all married to each other, then there are even more questions to be answered. In any case, knowing what you want and what the rules are before anything happens is the key.
My wife and I have been very happy for 21 years with an open relationship. We hope you have as much fun as we have.
Jeff and Laurie

Thank you so much for your advice!!

The husband and I have talked ... numerous times about it ... and he's talked to them about me, and then replayed the comments for me ... but as far as me & the friends talking with the husband? All four of us? NO unfortunately, we have not been given the op to ... The female part of the equation feels really, really BAD about the past ... regardless of my attempts to show her that it's really ok ... I figure time will heal that wound for her, at least I hope so. I'm just thankful that it is what it is and there's no real damage done to our friendships ...


The funniest thing is that we are not, in any way a poly relationship They are married and he & I are married, but we aren't married to one another ... it's very simply the absolute best of friends. It's more like cutesy lil pet names for each other ... like, if we are out and someone approached my friend girl, I am quick to let it be known she is my wife, to back off ... and vice versa The hubby will take pictures of me and then send them to the guy friend and say something along the lines of how hot is our lil wifey today? Playful stuff like that.

We've just recentally started serious talks about becoming more playful with them ... and basic ground rules have already been set, like ... for right now anyway ... stripping down and jumping in the hot tub after a night of partying ... touching and playing, light stuff is okay, even watching them while they are together and them watching us is ok ... but a full out swaped sex??? I don't think I would be able to ... right now anyway ... and probably won't until the four of us have a nice long talk ... possibly in the hot tub, but a talk none the less ... I guess what I'm wanting more than anything is to be able to talk to them and get them to realize that I'm NOT "trippin" over it and that it'd be a lot of fun, if THEY (not me, cause I'm cool with it) can get pass the past ... ??? ...

[SexyLilThing]

Originally Posted by The Fuse

Wow.

First of all, welcome to the Board. Glad you are here.

nice_cpl_n_bama gave you some great advice in his reply to your post. Lots of discussions will probably help. He is right about the polyamory part, as well.

I am floored, in a good way, by how accepting you seem of what has already happened and by your not seeming to be hurt by it. By that, I mean the relations your husband had with your friends while you were together but not married, AND by the secrecy that has taken place between then and now. Of the two things, I think the secrecy is the more important. I suggest you take things slowly, very slowly, so that you have a chance to truly absorb what has happened, before doing anything.

You sound so nice, so open-minded, so ready to believe the best about your husband and friends. I think that is a great attitude. If they all have your best interests at heart as well, your situation could turn out amazing. I hope that is the case for you.

Please stick around and continue to share. It's a very supportive group.

Thank you for your kind words It's made me feel SO much better For the longest time, I have felt very strange for my outlooks and beliefs ... I have begun to think that me being so "cool" about it is what's freaking them out a bit ... they were walking on eggshells around me the last time they seen us (we live in different states too) but ... I also think it was because they had just found out that I knew ... ??? ... but I'm sure, with time & patience & understanding, it will all be worked out.

I try my best to understand people and be aware of their needs, especially if they are important to me ... and with these three ... there couldn't BE anyone more important I absolutely love them and try to let them know this ... but it's hard to when 3/4 of the equation is wrapped up in needless guilt. Me personally, I don't think there's anything to feel guilty about ... it's friends showing the purest, most raw & untapped form of affection ... and to me anyway ... nothing could be more priceless.

Now, don't get me wrong, it stung BAD when I was first told ... and now I'm flooded with mental images and thoughts and recounting all the times we've spent together, but it has never, not one time, deminished the straight out love I have for any of them ... I'd still lay down my own life to allow for theirs.

I just don't want to go for our visit next week and be as clueless as I was before I signed up for this forum ...

Thank You ALL again for the absolutely mind boggeling amount of information that is here for the taking Thank You!!!

[fun4Ds]

Welcome to the Swingers Board SexyLilThing Mrs.fun is at our daughters and I just saw your thread here. Interesting situation, very interesting. I know as a couple who has played with single males how you friends might feel. Mrs.fun will be home soon and I really want her to take a look at this. Hopefully all this lifestyle will have some clarity for you in the future. Its not like you are obligated to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. You seem to have a very caring and understanding husband as well as friends.

I was trying to think about this regarding our personal experiences. One thing we have found with the singles, we have had in a swinging relationship is. They seem to be closer friends on a personal relationship as well. Many couples we play with have more of a "we have our lives and you have yours" so lets just get together for the sex. I don't know why exactly, it just seems that way. Singles on the other hand seem to, well.... Stop by the house for a visit or maybe we all go out for fun on the town.

For us, knowing these single friends have relationships. Dating others, that may turn into more for them. We ask that if we should ever meet their new partners its important to not ask us to keep our relationship a secrete. It would feel like we are cheating somehow, or at least dishonest by withholding. That in turn makes us feel like we should and would, fess up about everything. I really could see their suffering around you. Especially the way you seem so charming and caring by your posts here. Glad to hear everything is out in the open. From the sounds of things these people would be great friends if nothing ever goes to a swinging level. It doesn't have to you know. Thats the thing about authentic people we have met through all this. Nothing is pushed or left to feel more needs to happen. I know some of the best fun we have had is with a go slow attitude.

I'll Quit rambling until the brains of our team shows up later. Mrs.fun will enjoy hearing from you. Thank you so much for the insight to this new relationship you have discovered. I have a feeling we could learn something from you. So far as the singles we have known where they moved into a serious relationship, have kind of disappeared from our lives. Its out of respect for their new relationships and lives, we just kind of keep them in our memories instead of pursuing things.

Again, welcome to the Swingers Board

[SexyLilThing]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

Welcome to the Swingers Board SexyLilThing Mrs.fun is at our daughters and I just saw your thread here. Interesting situation, very interesting. I know as a couple who has played with single males how you friends might feel. Mrs.fun will be home soon and I really want her to take a look at this. Hopefully all this lifestyle will have some clarity for you in the future. Its not like you are obligated to do anything you don't feel comfortable with. You seem to have a very caring and understanding husband as well as friends.

I was trying to think about this regarding our personal experiences. One thing we have found with the singles, we have had in a swinging relationship is. They seem to be closer friends on a personal relationship as well. Many couples we play with have more of a "we have our lives and you have yours" so lets just get together for the sex. I don't know why exactly, it just seems that way. Singles on the other hand seem to, well.... Stop by the house for a visit or maybe we all go out for fun on the town.

For us, knowing these single friends have relationships. Dating others, that may turn into more for them. We ask that if we should ever meet their new partners its important to not ask us to keep our relationship a secrete. It would feel like we are cheating somehow, or at least dishonest by withholding. That in turn makes us feel like we should and would, fess up about everything. I really could see their suffering around you. Especially the way you seem so charming and caring by your posts here. Glad to hear everything is out in the open. From the sounds of things these people would be great friends if nothing ever goes to a swinging level. It doesn't have to you know. Thats the thing about authentic people we have met through all this. Nothing is pushed or left to feel more needs to happen. I know some of the best fun we have had is with a go slow attitude.

I'll Quit rambling until the brains of our team shows up later. Mrs.fun will enjoy hearing from you. Thank you so much for the insight to this new relationship you have discovered. I have a feeling we could learn something from you. So far as the singles we have known where they moved into a serious relationship, have kind of disappeared from our lives. Its out of respect for their new relationships and lives, we just kind of keep them in our memories instead of pursuing things.

Again, welcome to the Swingers Board

Thank you SO much ... and I don't think you were rambling at all It actually made perfect sense, and I can see where the emotions they are having come into play ... I just didn't realize it.

The guys have been best friends for pretty much their enitre lives, and his wife, of course, has been there for a rather large chunk of it too ... I am some what "new" to their whole scene, 6 years all together ... Kind of like a new student trying to get in with the popular kids back in high school ... LoL! ... so I can see how their caution is necessary too ... But from reading your post, honestly, I want to cry a little ... because it breaks my heart that they might feel the same way ... I think I'd be crushed if they didn't want to be our everyday friends anymore.

Thank you for your insight and I very much look forward to hearing from your lovely Mrs

[fun4Ds]

[quote=SexyLilThing;349135]

But from reading your post, honestly, I want to cry a little ... because it breaks my heart that they might feel the same way ... I think I'd be crushed if they didn't want to be our everyday friends anymore.

Oh no, I didn't mean that the way it sounded at all. Please don't tell me I made you want to cry, I'm so sorry. I only meant how fortunate you are, Honestly.

You'll see, I can be quite a bloink sometimes

Mrs fun was just telling me yesterday how many points I have earned over the last few months. Oh boy, what have I done now.

I know, Wait till you meet some more of my really cool friends around here on the Swingers Board . They can help me... and you... their like that

[SexyLilThing]

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

Oh no, I didn't mean that the way it sounded at all. Please don't tell me I made you want to cry, I'm so sorry. I only meant how fortunate you are, Honestly.

Oh ... I'm soooo sorry. You were very honest in explaining some of the issues that they may have had back then ... and I appreciate that ... really, I do I had never thought about it like that before ... that's the only reason I felt like crying. But I didn't So we're all good!! You still got your brownie points, I promise!! Thank You!!!!