how to over come her fears

[summers30s]

Hello everyone,
We are very happily married couple, shes 34 / 127lb 5'2'' and beautifull hes 43 /200lb 6'0'' handsome . we live in the hudson valley ny, two hours north of the city.
we been talking about swinging for quite some time (like few years) , he really wants to see her in action but shes very shy, to this point she only wants oral sex and was able to get it few times with a co worker , and once with hubby's doctor, shes cute enough that the doctor was eyeing her and caught her attention that hubby gave her the ok to proceed, and after few phone chats with the Doc she went to his office and had oral sex with him. Came back home and told hubby about everything that happened and of course we had the best sex ever afterword. at last she agreed now to perform front of hubby but only orally . shes very very shy to go to a swinging club specially because of her accent , she thinks that will be a problem communicating with other people, but he thinks otherwise. the other thing shes not confident enough about is because of her large breast , she has a 36d on a 127 lb body which he thinks is beautiful. hubby needs some encouragment from other members here hopefully she would overcome her fears and go to a swingers club even though the only thing she feels comfortable with so far is oral. any suggestions or commenta are very much appreciated. thank you all from C and E

[realcplub2]

Hi there..

Welcome to the board, from former Hudson Valley residents!

Please make yourselves at home, and ask whatever questions you might have.. the members here are freindly and offer advice from many years of experience.. Feel free to offer advice yourselves and comment as you see fit..

Once again WELCOME

[fun4Ds]

Welcome to the Swingers Board

Sex with a co worker ? and then with your doctor in his office ?

What fears is your wife or you looking to overcome ?

[screaminggood]

You're correct that her fears are unfounded (she'll be welcomed warmly), but they are her concerns so you need to respect them and let her work through them in her own time and way. A suggestion: some "semi-vanilla" field trips. Would she be comfortable going to a club to watch only and just get the feel of the atmosphere? Just be certain you both follow the rule of watch only while you're there....Afterward, she can decide if she wants to go back. Remember, you need to go as slow as she needs.

[bbarnsworth]

It is not uncommon for women entering the lifestyle to feel self conscious about their body. It's a recurrent thread here. Bottom line, she's got nothing to worry about. There's plenty of potential play partners who will find her very attractive.

I get the feeling that she's concerned about the lifestyle because she only wants to do oral sex. That's perfectly fine. Really. It's called soft-swapping, and there's plenty of couples that engage only in soft swapping.

And an accent? Even if she didn't speak English I don't see it as a problem, so long as she trusts you and you translated everything for her The accent isn't a problem.

I'd say go to a club. You don't have to do anything. There's no requirement you do anything at all once you get in the door. Nobody's going to demand she take her clothes off, fool around with someone other than you, etc. Just like nobody forces you to take a drink if you walk into a bar, nobody's going to force her to play if she walks into a swinger's club. It's fun. Go. Relax. Enjoy.

I have to agree with fun4ds. Fooling around with a co-worker can be a recipe for disaster. The doctor's office? So long as there's a lock on the door and no internal windows

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by summers30s

...hubby needs some encouragment from other members here hopefully she would overcome her fears and go to a swingers club...

I get the feeling that what you are looking for is added pressure from Board members to get your wife to do things she's not comfortable with. I doubt she was truly ready to give that Doc a BJ.

Your Swing Lifestyle profile has been up since 2005 and you mention her two experiences back then. If things haven't progressed since then I think there is good reason, she's not comfortable with what you ask of her...and this whole idea of swinging was yours, afterall, as you state in your profile.

And what's with the SINGLE FEMALE profile? That's not truthful. I think you're wanting a hotwife and your interest in swinging is very self-centered. I can't help but think that your wife's shyness is more a reflection of her inability to tell you how she really feels and to say no to you.

I cannot give you suggestions to talk your wife into doing what she's done in the past because I don't feel that it would be right.

LM

[jjtrindc]

We too see a lot of "red flags" in your note which LikeMinds articulates quite well. If we can assume that your wife is truly interested in the lifestyle we'll reiterate a couple of points made above...

First off, we are an "oral sex" only couple. That's called soft-swapping and is a respected form of participation. Many couples who are VERY active in the lifestyle only soft-swap. If that is where your wife's comfort level is, then don't pressure her beyond that.

There are two basic turnoffs in this lifestyle - those who pressure their partners and those who misrepresent themselves. Most experienced couples have a pretty good vibe for this kind of drama and avoid it like the plague...which could be a reason why you haven't been as active as you like.

As for her shyness, that's common. Try to find an off-premise style event where there is no pressure to have sex on the premises and just go and dance and have fun as a couple. Get a feeling for the sexy crowd, etc. Don't worry about meeting other people. If you only have on-premise clubs, then try that as an alternative, but have a ground rule established that you are only going to dance and enjoy each other. Remember, if done right, the lifestyle should be like a marathon...not a sprint. The more you participate the more comfortable she'll get.

Lastly, in terms of having an accent and large breasts...heck, that's a turn on (at least for me). That's the other great thing about this crowd. We all love different things. You'll find people who like you for what you are, how you look, how you speak, etc.

In the meantime, do some serious thinking on whether your wife really wants to be in the lifestyle and really talk about not only what your desires are, but what makes her nervous.

[DBL D]

Hi summers30s,

I know where you are coming from. You have a nice looking sexy wife that, in private, may have expressed certain fantasies of hers. It's very difficult to translate those things to a real life encounter. She says she did the things you mentioned; but you don't really know because you weren't there. She may have been trying to please you by saying that she did go ahead with them. Have you had any confirmation from her partners that she did them and what her demeaner was?

When we started down this bouncy road, I was the one who "pushed" her to realign her boundaries of what was ok. The problem for us was that she came to feel that I was not staying connected with her and putting too much pressure on her. WE HAD TO STOP...and as of this writing don't know when we'll try again to play with others.

I think you should back off and find out how YOU really feel about the lifestyle. What are your goals? Your lady should never feel that you are too into it, at least until she finds what the fun is really all about. I felt that expressing enthusiasm was a good thing and would show her what it was all about. It didn't work out that way and it has been a tough thing for me to face that I changed our relationship forever and will probably never play again. The memories are nice. I had hoped we could continue, but my attitude and the pressure I placed on the whole deal has pretty much ruined it for us.

If you don't want that to happen, I would back off and let her decide when you can do something in the future.

Your wanting to see her in "action" seems onesided. Don't you have a desire for other ladies? This just sounds too familiar for me to have a positive outcome, but I hope for the best for you two.

Remember to place each other first, even though you will be with different people.

Male D

[summers30s]

To Fun4d's..............LOL fears for going to a swinger club !! Her accent ?? she thinks its not a comfortable situation for her.

[summers30s]

bbarnsworth and Fun4ds ...........LOl, co worker is no longer there, and she went to doctors office at night cause he was on call (lol) so no one was there !!

thanks for both of you on your encouragment.
and to Fun4ds..... fears from her accent to go to a swingers club
if shes comfortable she has no problem at all .... and its funny that the Doctor just text messaged her tonight to (schedual an appointment...lol) for her to go while hes alone in his office ...and shes excited !!

[summers30s]

TO.........jjtrindc and LikeMinds321
Thanks for you comments I really appreciate it , but under no circumistances I ever pressured her of doing anything she didn't want to, yes it was my idea but you have no idea how excited she was of doing it and still is, she really wanted it and drove on her own to meet them and I can tell of how happy she was when she came back. so me pressuring her is out of the question. After all shes the love of my life,the only flower in my garden , the candle that i see the light thru, she was and is always there for me as I am for her..... so how can i hurt my other beatiful half ??

[summers30s]

TO DBL D
Thank you very much male D , your'e absolutly right, but there was no pressure from me what so ever and yes i have confirmation from the other guys that she really did it.one on her phone as a text and the other one (doctor) thru IM's on yahoo while i was sitting beside her , he was compliminting her on how great she was and how it was the best BJ he ever had ...lol. we talk about it often and I would never pressure her of doing anything she dont want to do, and yes i desire other women but i wont do it till she tells me to, thats our agreement, till she becomes more comfortable ... I have to wait, I dont mind as long shes having fun. thanks again and much appreciation for all of you.

[realcplub2]

Tell you what, give her the password for your account on the board here, and let her spend sometime browsing/reading..

then, talk between yourselves and see where the conversation goes.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by realcplub2

Tell you what, give her the password for your account on the board here, and let her spend sometime browsing/reading..

then, talk between yourselves and see where the conversation goes.

Good advice period. I can peruse the archives here and discuss what I found with my wife. It generates lots of good discussion. But, what I can't do is peruse the archives through her eyes. Sometimes there's things that perk her interest that my eyes slip right past. Far better to have her directly involved.

The only password my wife doesn't have is a work account.

[arvcpl]

Is she actually "afraid" or just doesn't want to do it and that is the reason she is coming up with? Wanting to go to a club but having body image issues is one thing, but not wanting to go to a club and scrambling to come up with excuses is something all together different.

What is it exactly you are wanting to do? She has been blowing completely inappropriate people for your benifit and yet you want her to do more. What is it that swinging means to you?

The fact that you have a single fem profile indicates to me that you are not really a couple interested in swinging as a couple but rather that you are a guy who just get turns on pimping out his wife for your own benifit. Your profile was obviously written by you and not her.

Despite all your assurances that you are not pressuring her I'm not buying it. If she wanted to do that stuff she would.

I think offering you advice on how to get your wife to swing would be nothing less than being an acessory to mistreating her more. If I were to give her advice it would be to grow a spine and either tell you where to go or to pack her stuff and move on.