Can't agree on rules

[gasunshine]

my husband and I are still discussing the issue of swinging...getting close to our first encounter....very nervous but excited. We have discussed some rules but he seems to think they are my rules....which is not true. The only rule I have that I want to stick to is swinging with couples only...no single men or single women. However, he wants to swing with single women while Im in the same room. Should I give in or should I stick to my guns about this issue?

[SecretAsianMan]

If you're not comfortable with that - then you should stick to your guns. Otherwise, it may ultimately cause resentment and greater drama / issues down the road.

[Curiosity0725]

never feel like you have to "take one for the team". if you're not comfortable, don't do it. if he doesn't understand, you guys shouldn't be doing it at all.

[two4youinswva]

Originally Posted by gasunshine

We have discussed some rules but he seems to think they are my rules....which is not true. The only rule I have that I want to stick to is swinging with couples only...no single men or single women.

I don't see a problem with it being "your rule".

We all have limits, and the axiom "Go only as fast as the slowest person" applies in this situation as well. You're not comfortable with it, so you as a couple don't do it.

Remind him that "No means no" can apply to the SO as well.

[MRSfun]

I think you should explain to him this is not negotiable if thats how you feel.

One good thing is, that might change. There just might be that person or time, you feel differently about. If that happens you need to talk about this privately even if at a dinner drink meeting, a club, or even a couples home.

I know fun4ds would never question my veto on anyone, putting me in the spotlight of the company. That is always important to me. The sooner you learn to say, " hey, we need to talk in private", the better, as far as I'm concerned. So many times that works for us. They don't have to be long discussions and shouldn't be used to change your comfort. It just needs to be a contact discussion that can be talked about later, if veto or a person your not comfortable with is apparent.

There are times I have said "No we wont play" and then needed a private chat to say " lets do this, I want to".

[sexcupid]

Stick to your guns. If you aren't comfortable, you just aren't.

I don't know if your hubby just has a distorted view of what the LS is about, but finding tons of single women that are going to be falling all over themselves to have sex with him is an unrealistic expectation. Single females are in high demand and can be pickier/choosier.

He honestly sounds like a drama bomb waiting to drop. First, his mindset of 'your rules'...as in thinking he's being restricted unfairly to just couples...I mean, hellooooo you're still having sex with someone other than your spouse with their consent...how many marriages does that happen in (besides here on the SB, they skew the numbers lol)?

If you are close to a club or can go to a local house party or meet and greet (just to mingle the first time out), then I think he might get a better idea of the fact that the LS does primarily consist of couples, and I think more single males than single females.

Good luck!

[sweet_tna]

It doesn't matter whose rule it is. If either of you is uncomfortable with something, then that's that. No means no.

Swinging is a team sport, and only works when both of ya'll are using the same game plan. Ya'll need to sit down and talk to each other about these feelings, and try to come up with a plan that suits both of you.

Best of luck to ya'll,

=)

[JustMrJ]

If both of you stick to the rules you have, eventually you will probably run across a lady (married or single) that YOU really click with and would have no problem with telling her... "Please fuck my husband while I watch."

My wife has no problem with me being with other ladies at all... and I have no problem with her being with men. Then again, we've been to enough parties that it's common. If the only 'activity' you two are involved in right now are 'play dates' with couples and you would have to search for that 'unicorn' for him, then it will take significantly longer to happen.

Whatever you two choose to do... communicate honestly with each other and don't EVER 'take one for the team'. Always let him know your boundaries and make sure he explains his to you as well. These things are vital for a strong relationship... even in a vanilla lifestyle. Lastly... TRUST... even though it's last... it's right up there with honesty. It's the greatest gift you can give to each other. It's also one of the hardest to make completely invulnerable.

Whatever path you take... enjoy the journey.

[BiloxiCouple]

I concur with everyone on this one.

The real funny thing is you ought to tell him, "you can play with single females", because the number of single females (unicorns) out there is so low he probably won't find any!!! Now he owes you one! If they are part of a couple they don't count and he can't play!!!

Stick to your rules and he needs to listen. The women in the lifestyle control the lifestyle.

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- The chance of you finding a single man as a partner is a kijillion times more likely than his fantasy of a single woman scenario.

Seems like your husband has some incorrect expectations about what you can expect while swinging. Most couples begin with a few rules that create boundaries that allow a minimum comfort level to begin this exploration. Over time and as comfort and trust in this new environment grows, many of the 'rules' disappear as they are no longer needed. Or, if social mistakes occur, people can start adding them too.

As everyone here has said, both partners have to be comfortable. If not, what's the point ? Swinging is about extending the sexuality of your marriage, not just trying to get 'yours', as in your husband's case, from a single woman. It's actually a sign of sexual immaturity on his part and may indicate that you need to discuss things further and hopefully he will reconsider his position.

[mixtupcpl]

Stick to your guns... As everyone has pointed out, you both need to make sure that the baseline is set by the comfort level of the one with the most caution flags.

That said, Im not sure its a sign of sexual immaturity for the husband to want a FFM or FMF. What guy doesnt? She didnt indicate that he would ONLY accept that and NOT MFM. He is probably thinking that a threesome with just him and the wife would be a big fantasy for him. Im certainly not going to fault him for that. Is it massively unlikely? Sure. Which is a shame really, because women can get MFM 24x7x365. LOL.

If it were a husband posting saying the wife wanted MFM and he wasnt comfortable with that and wanted couples only, I doubt that there would be any comments indicating that there was something selfish or wrong about the wife wanting that. If anything, I have a sneaking suspicion there would be posts suggesting he relax his boundaries. Just food for thought.

[3sumff]

Absolutely, stick to your guns. He needs to have some patience with this situation. When we 1st started there were all kinds of things that were a "NO GO." No men, period. Now, she has the option to play with anyone she likes, as do I. It's gonna take some time, and if you don't ever get there then he will have to understand the limits. But I honestly believe, after some time doors will begin to open to different situation.

[JustAskJulie]

Rules should be agreed to by BOTH of you, if you can't both agree then the keep working on the rules until you do and don't swing until you both agree.