Bringing in fantasy co-worker

[Curiosity0725]

I guess the "co-worker" isn't really true since we don't work in the same department, just the same company.

ok, i posed a question to my wife... i have worked at the same company for about 7 years now. close to the same time i was hired this really hot blonde was hired... and we're both still there.

Since i have always been faithful to my wife (we weren't married then but we were together), i've never done anything with this other woman... hardly even talked to her but i sure have thought about her.

There is a wedding coming up for someone else that we work with... well, i work with the bride's mother and i believe the hot blonde works with the bride (same company)... so i was just thinking, since my wife and i were invited to the wedding, it's a pretty good chance the hot blonde was invited... what happens if my wife is "on the prowl" at the wedding and just happens to come across this woman? do i tell her i have fantasized about her before? do i just play it cool and not say anything but then inside i'm finally getting to have someone i wanted 7 years ago?

I believe i would have to tell her and just me saying that i have fantasized about her before would kill it for my wife.

Then i started thinking that I probably could never suggest someone for the two of us because she may have that thought in her head of "why is he suggesting her?". Then i started thinking would we ever have an experience with someone that I was really attracted to?

I brought it up with her already and she wasn't sure how she'd react... I mean, i told her that there are no feelings behind me and the hot blonde (other than lust i guess) and i have never and would never do anything with her without my wife's permission and i know she believes me but part of my just says i shouldn't even try it, that because i have expressed my years of fantasizing about an attractive woman that it means there would be some other feelings there.

so here's the broad question: what should i do?

[WesternSwing]

First off, from my point of view, if you can't discuss who turns you on and who doesn't with your partner, and have them happily accept that and be happy for you, than you really shouldn't be considering swinging at all. Swinging is about helping your partner live-out their sexual fantasies while you get to live-out your own, and part of of what gets you off should include your partner's happiness at being with someone they think is hot and lusts after. Otherwise, why swing at all if all your going to do is have sex with people your partner isn't threatened by?

Second, I think there are many here that will back me up when I say: Don't shit where you eat. Mixing work and swinging can turn ugly and can result in the loss of your job. Whether it's through sexual harassment claims or coworkers or management finding out and ostracizing you, or the other party getting weird and making life terrible on you through a combination of the above.

From experience I can say that mixing work and swinging is a bad idea. We did. Mrs. WS worked for a company that was owned by the family of a couple we had been swinging with and got along well with outside of swinging. It was through swinging that we met and also how she got the job. When Mrs. WS decided to move to another company the other wife took it personal rather than just a business decision and things turned very ugly and personal for awhile. This was several years ago and the relationship has never been mended again.

So my advice, leave the blond gal a fantasy, and if you can't express to your wife how hot this other woman makes you, and she can't express how hot another man makes her, than you two shouldn't be swinging until you get those issues resolved.

Mr. WS

[ic7175]

I think this one's easy. Tell your wife and then accept however she chooses to deal with it. She may want to steer clear, she may want to check her out, she may think it's hot that you lusted after her and didn't act. Who knows. If she gets mad just hearing about the blonde, imagine her feelings if she were to find out after something had occurred amongst you

If this was some guy she lusted after, you'd want to know prior to the wedding rather than after you all got together for a MFM, right?

With as much as you've thought about it with nothing happening, say you go to the wedding and your wife just happens to pick out the hot blonde and you all get together and THEN you have to decide whether to tell your wife? How much would it tear you up inside trying to decide whether (and how) to tell your wife after the fact?

[Curiosity0725]

Originally Posted by WesternSwing

First off, from my point of view, if you can't discuss who turns you on and who doesn't with your partner, and have them happily accept that and be happy for you, than you really shouldn't be considering swinging at all.

Second, I think there are many here that will back me up when I say: Don't shit where you eat. Mixing work and swinging can turn ugly and can result in the loss of your job.

i have no problem talking about it with her and she didn't react badly to it. i just think the impression she gave is that because i've felt that way for so long and never said anything to her about it that it was a little weird... like she thought me keeping it a "secret" that long meant i felt something for the blonde. i guess i haven't been one to just go around telling my wife what i like about other women... well not until recently that is... until she expressed her desire to swing which opened me up to expressing myself more.... so i guess this is just something we haven't dealt with but she said she had no problem involving women that i was attracted to and thank goodness because, yes, what would be the point of doing this if there was no attraction to the third party.

I am reluctant to get involved with anyone i know personally that i didn't know was into the lifestyle prior to knowing them... especially when it involves people i work in the same building with because who's to say how they will react and, yes, those kind of things can get ugly.

Originally Posted by ic7175

With as much as you've thought about it with nothing happening, say you go to the wedding and your wife just happens to pick out the hot blonde and you all get together and THEN you have to decide whether to tell your wife? How much would it tear you up inside trying to decide whether (and how) to tell your wife after the fact?

which is exactly what i was thinking. in the highly unlikely chance she'd pick the same girl out i think i would be obligated to tell her at that time prior to doing anything... maybe it would be a turn on for her or maybe not. which i guess would be the deciding factor on if anything were to continue. but i would certainly need to get any uncomfortable feelings out of the way before just being selfish and trying to indulge my fantasy without thinking of the consequences.

[fun4Ds]

Have you thought about letting your wife see this thread ?

It sounds like your wife really cares about you and should by all means, know everything.

Other than that I would think you should put yourself in her shoes. Look at this like it was a guy at work and she has your feelings. Seriously think about that..... How would you feel if it were a guy she was planning to hopefully, at a wedding, hook up with. If she was just going to accidentally on purpose let you walk into this.

[Curiosity0725]

oh, she does read and we do talk about everything i write/read here.

I didn't get much of an answer from her yet but i'm thinking it comes down to me probably just not risking it. i think we'd be better off meeting people together for the first time and not have either of us suggest people from our past or co-workers.... and lord knows there are plenty of other attractive women out there for us.

i think she's a little more sensitive about co-workers because she had an issue with two people she thought were her friends but then turned out to be backstabbers and spreading untrue rumors about her... it was horrible for a few months but eventually they talked and worked it out... but that was also mainly because they had tried to start a non-for-profit business and my wife was putting in a lot of work into it and the other two weren't... when she questioned their excitement about it, that's when it blew up.

[jjtrindc]

Your instincts seem to be right in terms of the co-worker aspect. Hopefully, you wife will not judge based on the fact that you've "lusted" after this woman for many years. Key thing is that nothing transpired. I continue the conversation with your wife to ensure that you didn't unintentionally give her a vibe or something that gave her cause for concern.

As for us, the lifestyle was particularly liberating in that we really opened up to each other about who we think is hot, etc. Well before we even thought about swinging, we did play that game about 5 celebs or whatever that could be on your "to-do" list. Now, we sit at bars and give each other a rundown or even try to pick for the other person. Of course, now that Swingtown did that in an episode it doesn't seem so original.

Beyond the fun aspect though, it really does provide a new level of insight into each others thinking in terms of turn-on's and turn-offs. Funny thing is that my wife is constantly picking women as the ones she thinks are the hottest in the room -- and she's straight. Lol...talk about teasing me!

[2inSanDiego4u]

Originally Posted by Curiosity0725

I guess the "co-worker" isn't really true since we don't work in the same department, just the same company.

...

so here's the broad question: what should i do?

Like the old saying goes, "Don't dip your pen in the company ink".

We were in a similar situation a while back, and we decided to just stay friends with them. In retrospect, we definitely made the right decision. They remain close friends today, who are also in the LS, just not playmates.

[bbarnsworth]

As others have noted, playing with a coworker (even if not in the same department) is probably not a good idea. You have no idea what may happen in the future. Maybe the person gets reassigned to your department, or vice versa. Maybe you get put together on a cross departmental project. You never know what can happen.

There are plenty of opportunities to engage in swinging without having to involve coworkers in the mix. Maybe she's ridiculously hot. But so what? It's not worth it.

[BiloxiCouple]

Job? Fantasy? Which is more important and which one could blow up if mixed with the other?

[Curiosity0725]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

As others have noted, playing with a coworker (even if not in the same department) is probably not a good idea. You have no idea what may happen in the future. Maybe the person gets reassigned to your department, or vice versa. Maybe you get put together on a cross departmental project. You never know what can happen.

There are plenty of opportunities to engage in swinging without having to involve coworkers in the mix. Maybe she's ridiculously hot. But so what? It's not worth it.

ha... funny thing is, we were just told today that our entire company is going to be moving out of the building we're in now (we currently have two buildings right next to eachother) and all moving into the same building... and the department she's in will be in the same area as my department is. odd that it works out that way.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by Curiosity0725

ha... funny thing is, we were just told today that our entire company is going to be moving out of the building we're in now (we currently have two buildings right next to eachother) and all moving into the same building... and the department she's in will be in the same area as my department is. odd that it works out that way.

You are wise young grasshopper to listen to the sage advice of the bbarnsworth on the mount!

[Curiosity0725]

Originally Posted by bbarnsworth

You are wise young grasshopper to listen to the sage advice of the bbarnsworth on the mount!

and, yes, plenty of other fish in the sea so what's the point of "company ink"?

[Mr.Essex]

Find a different "friend". If things go south, you don't want to be known as "Mr. Sexual Harassment". And believe me, her side of the story will be heard long before you and yor wife can try to start the damage control.
Hell, a few innocent comments about a proposition from your wife (if your wife makes the first move) in the wrong or right ears can and probably will trigger a giant "rumorlanche".

[jdavisauto]

One word will sum it all up. HONESTLY! Just be honest with your spouse.