Is our fantasy likely to become a reality?

[mixtupcpl]

So after lurking on a bunch of forums for a bit, I decided to register here because you folks are just amazingly open and sensitive. Kudos!

Im just soliciting opinions really, because I like to hear other perspectives as food for thought.

My wife and I have been through a ton and are an extremely long term and stable couple at this stage.

We've talked openly with each other about this LS actually *only* in vanilla situations and we know its something we both don't need, but would like and that possibly we should just do it.

Neither of us have any jealousy issues and just want each other to have fun.

When we talk about what we'd do, it seems like what we would both want is full swap and what she would want is actually separate rooms. She'd want to meet a couple socially, connect with them, feel safe with each other, and then we kind of all retire to separate bedrooms. LOL. Part of this is that her "bi-curiosty" waned over the years and another part is she feels she could never really cut loose with another guy if I were in the room. I'm cool with whatever she wants and would be fine with it as long as I feel we've connected with the couple.

All of this said, somehow I think we may never really do this. Neither of us understand why fully. We both *are* shy when it comes to our bodies and our looks (for her, I think she's crazy, for me, it makes sense ) So that may be a part of it.

What I'm wondering from folks who have traveled this path and are similar to us is: 1) would our little full swap but not same room scare/turn people off? 2) is there anyone out there who has been as kind of far along as us and yet somehow NOT done this?

Anyway... dont want this to get stupidly long. Thanks for reading!

[realcplub2]

First Off...

Now then, please understand, that, people find there way into this lifestyle at ALL AGES.. its not an age exclusive activity. Having a great and stable relationship is an asset many here can appreciate.

Next, at to your concerns over looks. Again, people in this lifestyle, are, like everyone else.. Walk into a super market, do you see all of one type or another? Same applies here.. So, please, do not look down on yourselves, much the same as never allow anyone to look down on you, Confidence is essential.

Finally, if seperate rooms is the choice you both make, then simply say so, on the onset of any conversation. Much the same as making your points clear that you are seeking friendship, as well as bedroom fun.. I state that because in order to build the comfort zone you are seeking, making friends makes more sense.

Please use the boards and the thread to arm yourselves with information, plenty of questions ahve alread been asked, and if the information is as current as you would like, fire it back out there, we will as a community try to answer ..

[Edison Carter]

Susan here-- Never feel that a sexual style choice, like separate room play, is inappropriate in any way. It may prevent some couples from being interested, but may be exactly what another couple prefers.

We play same room or separate room depending on what works for the other couple. Some times there's time for both, which is very yummy. We have no preference one way or the other, but my sex partners in separate room play behave more freely with me. Whether that freedom is expressed with higher levels of intimacy, physicality or both, it's definitely occurring. I think it's because of the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: Anything you observe, you effect.

Be well. I hope you have a blast !

[mixtupcpl]

Thanks so much for the replies!

We're in our 30's (upper) now and it seems like a lot of serious couples start around this point. My wife is gorgeous, but doesn't know it, so I know that very few guys wouldn't want her (guys are guys anyway, yeah?)

Im certainly no dream man, but I do tend to win people over with charm very easily and there are a few things I think I do well

We're probably going to go about this slowly. Take some time to get back in "fighting shape" and keep hanging around here. We both want the other couple to really be hot for us for our first time so everyone is happy.

I have to say it's so great to actually just be able to talk about this in a place you feel safe, even if we never really do it. Our vanilla friends would have a range of reactions from bad to worse, I think, if they knew where our heads were. They kind of view us as "the rock" The couple that you aspire to be like because of the shit we've been through and how surviving it has just made us closer. What they would never understand is that this LS is really the ultimate expression of that (I think)

So anyhow, one more question. I know there are threads on this, but opinions change so Ill ask it again. Are any of the online "meet up" sites any good? I created a profile on AFF just to test the waters (and just a free one), and already got what I think is maybe too much interest considering I barely said anything.

One big thing we talk about is how would we actually FIND the right couple? Our ridiculous fantasy, of course, is being away somewhere exotic and kind of getting seduced into it. Not exactly practical How did some of you find your firsts?

BTW - Susan... Its an enormous turn-on that you actually dropped a valid HUP reference in the context of a post on swinging. Now you've got me hard. Time to wake up the wife

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by mixtupcpl

So anyhow, one more question. I know there are threads on this, but opinions change so Ill ask it again. Are any of the online "meet up" sites any good? I created a profile on AFF just to test the waters (and just a free one), and already got what I think is maybe too much interest considering I barely said anything.

In my mind, I've termed this 'fresh meat syndrome'. Regardless of how much (or how little) information you have put up there, you are a new member and probably showing up on alot of people's matches.

One big thing we talk about is how would we actually FIND the right couple? Our ridiculous fantasy, of course, is being away somewhere exotic and kind of getting seduced into it. Not exactly practical How did some of you find your firsts?

Well...a bit impractical unless you are prone to taking exotic vacations... But seriously, we met our first swap through Swing Lifestyle. Do what everyone else is doing on the site. Set your search parameters and see what comes up. Look at profiles. Go to a local club or meet and greet. Local events are usually listed on Swing Lifestyle and AFF. Just do what you are comfortable with.

[mixtupcpl]

Thanks Maria. I created a Swing Lifestyle profile (free for now) and even sent just a friendly "hello" to someone in our zip code (its not a giant area)

We're going slow and who knows if or when we'll actually do this, so I'll just take the time to feel things out.

Just talking about this openly has made us realize that we are even closer than we thought we were after all of these years (22 total, 8 married). It dawned on us that we really were lucky to find each other (and it was in High School when we really had no clue about anything). I mean how many people can even DISCUSS this topic safely with their SO?

Even if we decide to leave it fantasy or can't find the right couple, it's still been a powerful and really beneficial experience.

[jjtrindc]

Sounds like you two are communicating which is the best "first step" -- keep that up! The great thing about the lifestyle is that everyone starts off differently and there always seems to be couples out there you can connect with. Put up a profile. Find local clubs or meet and greets. Find some couples you click with and figure out what you want to do next. Most of all, enjoy each other on this adventure!

[iapr]

I don't think there is anything usual or unique about either your desires or your backgrounds. You sound like very typical happy and healthy newbies so I say however you do it just get out there and start looking. I don't think it will be any easier or harder for you than any other newbie couple. Keep in mind some people will be open to separate room swap and some people will not even consider it. Respect their preferences and don't let anyone else disrespect yours.

The one caveat I will warn you about is if you state you prefer separate room swinging, a lot of people will interpret that as "she plays alone" and you will get bombarded by single males and cheating husbands wanting her to show up at a motel room by herself in the middle of the night.

Another pitfall I have seen several newbies talk about on these boards is there are preditor couples out there that look for newbies open to separate room play and the female half of the couple is essentially a "decoy" and while the guy takes your wife to a room and wraps her legs over his shoulders the other wife will take you to a room and just stall you untill they are done and then they leave and you are just standing there empty handed.

There is nothing wrong with separate room play and there are a lot of couples that are willing to do it but keep in mind that it is always safer to work as a team and to be there for each other and to watch each other's back. Just like with everything else, there is safety in numbers.

[mixtupcpl]

iapr,

Thanks for replying. You hit on two of the big points i am worried about. Single males I can just avoid, but the predator couple thing is a bit scarier. I want my wife to have a good time and not be with some asshole (I just infer that in a predator couple the guy has got to be an asshole... LOL)

I think what we'll do is go the more social route first. I've been doing some reading and I see a lot of couples do meet the other couple in vanilla situations and get to know them a bit before it happens (its almost like a date - ha!)

This approach is a little weird for my wife, but Im slowly convincing her that this is just shyness and, if you're going to fuck them, theres no reason not to know them socially (at least enough to establish some trust)

[sexcupid]

Mix,

The thing is...it IS just like a date. Generally speaking you meet another couple to see if you would like to take things farther. I'm not saying you have to be best friends with them (altho some people are looking for that).

We prefer to play separate rooms as well. We have played same room. But mercifully we haven't met any of the 'bait and switch' couples iapr mentioned. If you meet before, then you can iron out any possible misconceptions about your preferences. For those men who think it means you play alone, well you can dissuade them of that notion when you reply back to them. Specifying that you play as a couple, but prefer separate rooms, doesn't mean that the door is wide open on playing alone.

Good luck!

[iapr]

Originally Posted by mixtupcpl

iapr,

Thanks for replying. You hit on two of the big points i am worried about. Single males I can just avoid, but the predator couple thing is a bit scarier. I want my wife to have a good time and not be with some asshole (I just infer that in a predator couple the guy has got to be an asshole... LOL)

I think what we'll do is go the more social route first. I've been doing some reading and I see a lot of couples do meet the other couple in vanilla situations and get to know them a bit before it happens (its almost like a date - ha!)

This approach is a little weird for my wife, but Im slowly convincing her that this is just shyness and, if you're going to fuck them, theres no reason not to know them socially (at least enough to establish some trust)

Actually the guys that I mentioned do not necessarily have to be assholes and they certainly may not appear to be assholes. They may in fact be quite attractive and charming. A better way to put it maybe not that they are preditors per se (although that is definately a risk) but rather the male half is "into it" and is an active player and the female is just along for the ride or acts as his "ticket" or maybe even as bait. It can even be a lot less sinister than that even. There are couples where the male is quite active and the female half is consenting to him screwing however and however much he wants but she only plays very rarely and isn't attracted to many men at all. With these couples she may flirt with you and even go a room with you and do a little smooching and let you feel her up for a few minutes and then she calls it quits.

If you were just interacting with these people socially the male may not appear as an asshole at all and may in fact be quite nice. There may not be any bad behaviour taking place or any intentional misrepresentation, it is just a chemistry thing and the risk of getting into this situation is greater if you are doing separate rooms. If you were all playing together and the other female ended up not being into you or ended up being a dud you could at least have an MFM with your wife and at least not go home emptyhanded.

[iapr]

This thought just occured to me as well and this is also a realistic risk in doing separate room play. There are actually more dud males out there than there are dud females and there are a lot of guys out there that cannot perform. There is an equal if not greater chance that your wife will come away disappointed after you have had a great time.

At least if you were all playing together if the other guy ended up being a dud you could take care of your wife as well as the other woman. Dang, wouldn't that be a tough job

[mixtupcpl]

These are really great points. I see what you're saying about the nuances of the "predator" couple.

To be honest, if it was the situation where the guy was into it, and the wife really wasnt, and otherwise he was attractive, charming, attentive, etc, then I wouldnt mind. If my wife gets a good fuck out of it from a guy she's into thats cool

If his wife goes cold Id respect her space and then proceed to try to seduce her I may not be the most to look at, but any success I have had has been pure charm and personality. It would be a fun challenge, to be honest. And it would be a very proud moment if the guy was surprised to find out his wife got laid. LOL.

The guy being a dud is another interesting thing I never thought of. That would actually suck because it could potentially make my wife feel that the whole thing isnt worth it (which would be fine for the right reasons, but Id hate for her to get "disappointed out")

Her whole thing with separate rooms is emotional and psychological. She has a very monogamous approach despite being fully into this. She just feels that if I were in the room she'd be "too weirded out" and same for the guys wife. To really relax, enjoy herself and fuck the guy she feels she'd need us to be not visible.

She also wants to know that Im fucking the other girl, and hear about it later (what was she like? what did she do? etc) but wouldnt want to see it.

This is all theory so far so it could easily change if we move into practice. We do know ourselves well though, and she is VERY stubborn, so if we take the first step, that first step at least, will almost certainly be separate rooms.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by mixtupcpl

What I'm wondering from folks who have traveled this path and are similar to us is: 1) would our little full swap but not same room scare/turn people off? 2) is there anyone out there who has been as kind of far along as us and yet somehow NOT done this?

There are many couples who do full swap in seperate rooms. Just be clear about what your preferences are and stick to it... and understand that just as there will be others who will be ok with it, there will be many couples who don't do seperate room.

Everyone moves at their own pace, some couples take a lot more time in fantasy land, and some couples keep things a fantasy forever. Only the two of you will know when you are really ready to go further.