What seems like a good idea at first...

[CuriousSLS]

First - hello to all, seems like a great forum with plenty of informed and caring people! I apologize in advance for the long first post!

My wife and I have recently started talking through our mutual fantasies about sex with other people/couples, and we're slowly considering the lifestyle. The stories here are great, and really resonate with a lot of the feelings and conversations we've had through the process. We're not ready to dive in yet, but maybe sometime after we've talked things out quite a bit more.

To me, the lifestyle really seems like something that could be a lot of fun, and provide us with some good experiences. However, the very second after we've finished having sex, I'm horrified that I was even considering the idea. The feeling typically subsides after a day or so, and I go back to thinking it's something I want to get involved in. I'm concerned that someday, if we actually do get involved with other people, that the same thing will happen once all the sexual energy has dissipated.

So, enough with the background, and on to the question... I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar - either prior to getting into the lifestyle or during their first experience. If so, how did you handle it?

As a side question, how do those who are generally sexually inexperienced tend to fare in the lifestyle? We're both extremely inexperienced sexually - I was her first, and I had only been with one other person before we started dating and eventually married. Sometimes, we both feel as if we might have missed something by not fooling around more while we had the chance, but we're both very happy with our decision to commit to one another. We're a little concerned that our performance - while more than exciting and satisfying for us - may not hold up so well with others.

[lustylearning]

Originally Posted by CuriousSLS

First - hello to all, seems like a great forum with plenty of informed and caring people! I apologize in advance for the long first post!

My wife and I have recently started talking through our mutual fantasies about sex with other people/couples, and we're slowly considering the lifestyle. The stories here are great, and really resonate with a lot of the feelings and conversations we've had through the process. We're not ready to dive in yet, but maybe sometime after we've talked things out quite a bit more.

To me, the lifestyle really seems like something that could be a lot of fun, and provide us with some good experiences. However, the very second after we've finished having sex, I'm horrified that I was even considering the idea. The feeling typically subsides after a day or so, and I go back to thinking it's something I want to get involved in. I'm concerned that someday, if we actually do get involved with other people, that the same thing will happen once all the sexual energy has dissipated.

So, enough with the background, and on to the question... I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar - either prior to getting into the lifestyle or during their first experience. If so, how did you handle it?

As a side question, how do those who are generally sexually inexperienced tend to fare in the lifestyle? We're both extremely inexperienced sexually - I was her first, and I had only been with one other person before we started dating and eventually married. Sometimes, we both feel as if we might have missed something by not fooling around more while we had the chance, but we're both very happy with our decision to commit to one another. We're a little concerned that our performance - while more than exciting and satisfying for us - may not hold up so well with others.

Welcome, CuriousSLS!

Why does the idea "horrify" you after sex? That's a strong word, so I'm wondering what specifically provokes the feeling.

As for how the sexually inexperienced fare, I can tell you that my husband began in the lifestyle with having had only me as a partner, and today he has no regrets and a much higher level of self-confidence.

Enjoy your time at the site and be true to yourself

[realcplub2]

Welcome, and please enjoy your time here..

Now then

Its completely normal to get turned on by ideas during sex, then once you consider them soon after, you arent sure about how you truly feel about it.

I would ask a simple question, in reply, Do you and your wife only discuss including others during sex or does the topic come up during vanilla conversations well away from the bedroom?

One more, Did you bring this up or your wife? If she did, then its time to talk.. over coffee, rather than as foreplay.. If you did, again its time to talk over coffee.. and find out how she truly feels about it.

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by CuriousSLS

First - hello to all, seems like a great forum with plenty of informed and caring people! I apologize in advance for the long first post!

My wife and I have recently started talking through our mutual fantasies about sex with other people/couples, and we're slowly considering the lifestyle. The stories here are great, and really resonate with a lot of the feelings and conversations we've had through the process. We're not ready to dive in yet, but maybe sometime after we've talked things out quite a bit more.

To me, the lifestyle really seems like something that could be a lot of fun, and provide us with some good experiences. However, the very second after we've finished having sex, I'm horrified that I was even considering the idea. The feeling typically subsides after a day or so, and I go back to thinking it's something I want to get involved in. I'm concerned that someday, if we actually do get involved with other people, that the same thing will happen once all the sexual energy has dissipated.

So, enough with the background, and on to the question... I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced anything similar - either prior to getting into the lifestyle or during their first experience. If so, how did you handle it?

As a side question, how do those who are generally sexually inexperienced tend to fare in the lifestyle? We're both extremely inexperienced sexually - I was her first, and I had only been with one other person before we started dating and eventually married. Sometimes, we both feel as if we might have missed something by not fooling around more while we had the chance, but we're both very happy with our decision to commit to one another. We're a little concerned that our performance - while more than exciting and satisfying for us - may not hold up so well with others.

Hello! You have definitely come to the right place for more information about the lifestyle. I'm gonna' venture a guess that the "horror" you're feeling after sex might be tied into the lack of experience/concerns about performance.

That was Mr. Sweet's and my biggest concern about getting started. I only had one sex partner before Mr. Sweet (and he was a total dud). And I was my honey's first. Both of us wanted to have the chance to find out what being with someone else would be like . . .

And I can honestly say we've never gotten any complaints. In fact, I've realized just how spoiled I am by my honey! The key, we've learned, is that everyone brings something different to the table. That's why we're in this in the first place, no? So when you're ready to take that leap, do what feels right/natural to you, and you'll find that it usually works out pretty darned well.

In the meantime, keep reading here, and talking to each other. Eventually, you'll figure out what's gonna' work for ya'll.

One more thing:

=)

[CuriousSLS]

Well, maybe "horrified" is a little strong...

I feel guilty and a little ashamed for fantasizing about it, and even more so about actually having talked to her about it. I feel like my libido caused me to say something I normally would have kept hidden, fearing the tiniest of possibilities that doing so would somehow damage our relationship.

We tend to actually talk about these topics in extremely vanilla conversations, and (strangely, now that I think about it) have never discussed our fantasies as part of foreplay. While I originally mentioned that I had fantasized about other people, she immediately said that she had as well - and we went from there to a discussion about possibly making it a reality someday.

Currently, we're still very much just talking things out. Part of that is doing a little research on Swing Lifestyle, and here on the forum, to get a sense of what it's like and who is involved. Neither of us is convinced it's something we want to do, yet.

[CuriousSLS]

(Thank you all for the warm welcome and great responses!)

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by CuriousSLS

Well, maybe "horrified" is a little strong...

I feel guilty and a little ashamed for fantasizing about it, and even more so about actually having talked to her about it. I feel like my libido caused me to say something I normally would have kept hidden, fearing the tiniest of possibilities that doing so would somehow damage our relationship.

We tend to actually talk about these topics in extremely vanilla conversations, and (strangely, now that I think about it) have never discussed our fantasies as part of foreplay. While I originally mentioned that I had fantasized about other people, she immediately said that she had as well - and we went from there to a discussion about possibly making it a reality someday.

Currently, we're still very much just talking things out. Part of that is doing a little research on Swing Lifestyle, and here on the forum, to get a sense of what it's like and who is involved. Neither of us is convinced it's something we want to do, yet.

You have absolutely no reason to feel ashamed of those fantasies. As long as you and your wife have a close, loving, relationship and are able to talk openly to each other, you'll be FINE. Even if ya'll never decide to make those fantasies a reality, sharing them can be a wonderful thing.

=)

[WeMayTryIt]

Originally Posted by CuriousSLS

I feel guilty and a little ashamed for fantasizing about it, and even more so about actually having talked to her about it. I feel like my libido caused me to say something I normally would have kept hidden, fearing the tiniest of possibilities that doing so would somehow damage our relationship.

Do you have a religious background that's causing feelings of guilt, or is it strictly the worries about how the relationship will fare? If it's the former, I can point you to a post that may help (I'd have to find it). If it's the latter, as long as you are both completely open and honest with what you're feeling, and you are both truly up for it, then proceed (at your own pace of course).

Originally Posted by CuriousSLS

While I originally mentioned that I had fantasized about other people, she immediately said that she had as well - and we went from there to a discussion about possibly making it a reality someday.

This is a good sign. It shows that you are fundamentally on the same page. This is how it was for us. Sure, there will be details to work out, and possibly some tension in the relationship as you talk through things--just stay completely transparent with one another, always be honest and move at the pace of the slowest person.

[slevin]

Start talking about it during sex as well, share those fantasies there as well as talking about it during vanilla situations.

[PB&J]

When we started this adventure together last winter, I had very little experience with anyone other than my husband, and he and I both thought that I would find it harder to adjust than him, because he'd had lots more pre-me experience (we're talking 20 years of marriage here). His jaw has just been dropping constantly. I guess I'm making up for lost time, but hey, no problems there at all. No complaints from others either. (ahem) Level of previous experience won't matter at all.
If you're both having the fantasies, I think that you're on the right track. Good luck, and most importantly, just make sure that you're both having a good time!!

[VAPlayM8s]

Hi there CuriousSLS and welcome to the site. I haven't been here long but the site is great, and the information is helpful. In most cases the information confirms what the wife and I are already thinking.

What caught our eye was your discussion about fantasies. I was in the lifestyle for many years prior to my wife and after we married she was curious about what I enjoyed about it. We discussed this and she told me that she wondered (fantasized) what two men would be like. Well we discussed our options several times while making love and she finally said let's do it. Well I set it up for an evening with a friend of mine that she knew and trusted.

I had previously spoken to him and informed him of her likes and dislikes prior to bringing him to the house. Well it was the best evening any of us ever had and was repeated several times over the course of the next few months. Now my wife and I beging all our adventures by fantasizing about them first and acting them out with our lifestyle friends. We have never had a bad experience when sticking to this method.

Keep the fantasies rolling and we wish you all the luck and good times we have had.

VAPlayM8s

[jjtrindc]

Our "breakthrough" was when we went from discussing our fantasies as part of foreplay and during sex to discussing them as part of our normal day. It's a big jump when you have to talk to your partner about something so intimate in the "light of day" so to speak. But that is exactly what has brought us so much closer as a married couple. Learning new things about each other after knowing each other for 20 years is pretty exciting. In many ways, the chats we've had on the deck with a glass of wine have been so much hotter than anything we did in the heat of the moment. Probably because it's as much mental as physical.

So, take it slow. You guys are doing the right thing by talking. If you ever get to the point where you are ready to dip your toes in the water, we're all here to help you (no pun intended...ok, well kinda). Lots of ways to do this from meeting a like minded couple for coffee and chatting or going to an off-premise club where you can just dance and take in the sexy vibe.

Enjoy the ride

[CuriousSLS]

Originally Posted by WeMayTryIt

Do you have a religious background that's causing feelings of guilt, or is it strictly the worries about how the relationship will fare? If it's the former, I can point you to a post that may help (I'd have to find it). If it's the latter, as long as you are both completely open and honest with what you're feeling, and you are both truly up for it, then proceed (at your own pace of course).

My background is only very lightly religious, where my wife went to (and fully internalized the messages of) a Catholic upbringing. Shortly after we started dating, we had both fairly well rejected religion (no offense to anyone here) mainly due to the treatment of gender and sexual issues in the church.

But, the social structuring that we find ourselves attempting to overcome in these situations is not entirely rooted in religion - and I've often thought I'm a good example of that.

Both my wife and I are honestly learning quite a bit about ourselves and each other through this process, regardless of whether or not we decide to go through with anything.

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by CuriousSLS

I feel guilty and a little ashamed for fantasizing about it, and even more so about actually having talked to her about it.

Ok, stop right there Post-orgasm feelings can be dramatically different than pre-orgasm feelings. Neither is wrong or right. But, care must be given in treating them with appropriate understanding. You can think before orgasm, "Having anal sex with her would be absolutely awesome!" and then once you orgasm you might be saying "&!@#(*$&#!!!!! How could I have ever done that! I'm a total sicko!" Which is right or wrong? Neither. Doesn't matter.

You shouldn't take these feelings, on either side, as being the gospel according to CuriousSLS. The best measure of your feelings is how you feel at completely unsexy moments, well removed from any bedroom activity. So, you're slung under your car changing oil and the &@#($* drain plug suddenly pops off and you get oil all over yourself. Then it occurs to you, "You know, watching another man fuck my wife would be fantastic!"

Originally Posted by CuriousSLS

I feel like my libido caused me to say something I normally would have kept hidden, fearing the tiniest of possibilities that doing so would somehow damage our relationship.

Your libido is part of you. Don't treat it as a little devil on your shoulder egging you on to do something you shouldn't do. Surrendering yourself to your libido in a comfortable, trusting situation isn't wrong. It's accepting yourself for what you are; a sexual creature.

As for causing damage to your relationship? Fear of the unknown can make you say this. The reality? Something like 98% of people who have engaged in swinging report neutral (I think 30%) or better (68%) effects on their marriage. It's a net BENEFIT. This resource might help you: Today's Alternative Marriage Styles: The Case of Swingers. EJHS 2000

Lots of things can cause damage to your relationship. The equivalent of Miss USA shows up in your life and starts flirting with you, you politely push her away but are obviously turned on by her. That can cause damage if your wife sees it. You blow a gasket over something inconsequential and vent some of it at your wife. That can cause damage. You get overly focused at work, and neglect your wife's needs. That can cause damage.

There's a ZILLION things that can cause damage to a relationship. It's not the fear of causing damage that should concern you. It's your ability as a couple to manage these things in your life and relationship with each other.

Originally Posted by CuriousSLS

We tend to actually talk about these topics in extremely vanilla conversations, and (strangely, now that I think about it) have never discussed our fantasies as part of foreplay.

EXTREMELY good sign. Oft quoted rule here is if you don't talk about it outside of fantasizing, it's probably best left as a fantasy.

Originally Posted by CuriousSLS

Currently, we're still very much just talking things out. Part of that is doing a little research on Swing Lifestyle, and here on the forum, to get a sense of what it's like and who is involved. Neither of us is convinced it's something we want to do, yet.

Who is involved? As someone else here said in another thread, go to the grocery store around pre-dinner time any day during the week. Look around at the people there. The types of people you will see there are the types of people you will see in swinging. Parents. Bikers. Professionals. Rednecks. Overweight. Underweight. Incredibly sexy. Anti-sexy-makes-you-want-to-run-away. Multi-orgasmic. Barely orgasmic. The entire cross section of society is in swinging.

What I've been amazed at most on the forums is how incredibly well balanced the people here tend to be. People come here being inquisitive about swinging, and sometimes they are actively told swinging is not for them. There's no pressure.

Originally Posted by CuriousSLS

But, the social structuring that we find ourselves attempting to overcome in these situations is not entirely rooted in religion - and I've often thought I'm a good example of that.

"I reject your reality and substitute my own" (from Mythbusters) This is actually not a bad rule to live by. Society has developed a very stringent set of rules. Men are supposed to be X. Women are supposed to be Y. If you don't do what you're supposed to do, you're a freak. Like that teacher that posed in skimpy outfits for a calendar. Oh my! A teacher can't do that! FIRE HER! nevermind how good of a teacher she is.

Society makes rules that often have a grain of truth to them. That doesn't mean we should accept those rules lock, stock and barrel and never question them. This is YOUR life, not society's. Only YOU have the final say in what you do with your life. Live by your own rules, doing so with careful consideration.

In respect to swinging; society is by and large shocked and horrified by it. Arrest them all! Shut down the clubs! The rule? "Thou shalt not be promiscuous" The grain of truth? Yeah if you're cheating on your spouse, it's incredibly dangerous to you, your spouse, your kids, your extended family, etc. The reality for swinging? How can you be cheating on your spouse if that person fully agrees and is even in the same room with you while you're having sex with someone else? You're honest, open with each other, having a good time taking pleasure from others, giving pleasure, and engaging your spouse in pleasure as well. It's all good. This isn't *negative*, it's positive. Society's rule doesn't work in this case.

Comparing populations, swingers vs. general population, swingers are more frequently (15%) happy with their marriage than the general population. "But how can that be? Society says promiscuity is bad and will kill your marriage?" It's because society's rule is wrong when it comes to swinging.

Originally Posted by CuriousSLS

Both my wife and I are honestly learning quite a bit about ourselves and each other through this process, regardless of whether or not we decide to go through with anything.

My wife and I voiced similar thoughts. We said that even if we never did swing, all the discussion about it was very positive to our relationship.

Keep reading. Keep asking. Keep talking. You're doing great, even if you never swing!

(and you thought your first post was overly long? hahahaha! I can write books! Books I tell you!)

[CuriousSLS]

bbarnsworth -

Ah! That's exactly what I was trying to get at! That "post-orgasm-I'm-a-sicko-feeling". And I do get that feeling, regardless of the fantasies that we're discussing - whether it's swinging or just talking dirty. It's been hard overcoming that even when I'm alone with my wife, and I can barely imagine how rough it would be with other people. I imagine it must eventually cease to be a problem as you get more comfortable, but that first time... scary.

It's good to know I'm not the only one who experiences those feelings. It takes me by such surprise every time, and I was worried that it's indicative of some other personal issues that I hadn't uncovered yet.

Normally I feel like my libido IS a part of me, but during that post-orgasm period it's easy to blame those feelings on "it", I suppose. It's actually easier for me to talk about swinging with my wife outside of sexual situations, because I don't have to fear that instant change of emotions afterwards.

How did you know to appeal to my academic side? Was it because I said "social structure"? A sociological study or two goes a long way in this household - I'll be digging into the literature for myself (starting with that article) soon. Incidentally, the academic reading I've been doing lately has really influenced my thinking on the topic. Social construction, Michel Foucault, etc... In fear of making this thread too nerdy for most, I'll stop there for now. (I wonder what the overlap is between academics and swingers... hmm...)