Baby steps or dive head first into the experience?

[LICKADESPLIT]

My boyfriend and I have not played yet nor have we even been to a club. Since we are a bi-coastal couple we don't have the luxury of time on our hands right now regarding our physical time together. Joining this message board has been our first step in exploring the lifestyle. The message board has already added another level to our relationship

We've decided that a club would be the easiest way to explore the lifestyle based on our living arrangements. We've also agreed that the first night out would be a "no play night". Ok, honestly I'm sure we will play with each other there (I won't be able to help myself) just not with others that night.

I want to experience every little aspect with my boyfriend and build upon the experience. I'm interested in your opinions regarding diving head first into the lifestyle (i.e. full swap) or taking baby steps and savoring every aspect. Is anything lost if you go right to desert and do a pass on all the appetizers?

I've been reading the threads on the board and relaize there is so much to experience. If I pass by them in the beginning and then come back around to experience them will we be losing out on things.

[ourrockstarlife]

Every couple has their own idea of what they want out of the lifestyle. You two need to decide what your comfort zones are and decide how you want to proceed. Baby steps are a good idea for the novice swinger. DJ and I jumped in head first and went to a club our first time. BUT we had a very stringent set of rules set up, and we ended up not playing with anyone but each other. However, after getting a look of how things were, we were able to establish an educated set of boundaries and guidelines. That approach does not work for everyone, so you two need to decide what it is you WANT to experience and go from there.....

Good luck!

[JustAskJulie]

It really depends on your comfort level. If you both feel you are ready to dive in, then go for it. If you are worried at all about jealousies or insecurities that may crop up, then you may want to ease your way in a bit more slowly. There's no right or wrong way across the board... you just have to look at your individual situation and decide what's right for you.

[shy_tn_gal]

Personally, I had to take baby steps. Heck, I'm still taking them.

But I totally agree that it is all about your own personal comfort level.

Hubby could (and did, in his previous relationship) just jump right in. That is his personality and his mindset.

Me, I'm a bit more cautious and methodical. So rather than just jumping in the river, I stick my toe in, check it out and if it feels ok, then my foot goes in, if that feels ok- then I'll ease out into the water... LOL

[ownerspet]

I would definitly go with the baby step approach. As even if you agree ahead of time with your significant other on what's ok and what's not ok, you never know how you will feel in the heat of the moment. If you go the baby step route, then you both get into a situation and both of you want to go further, you can take it as far as both of your comfort levels will allow.

[PB&J]

It depends so much on the individual... that said, a year ago I went from not having kissed any man but my husband in 25 years to full swap in one evening. And have not regretted it at all!!

[jjtrindc]

We don't have much new to add, but simply to confirm the other responses. Do what is right for you. Perhaps it's making out...soft swap...or the full thing. Some consider the "appetizers" only teases, others consider the appetizers a full course For us, we are taking things slow to make sure we happy with each new step. Others may consider us boring...lol. Remember, when the sun comes up the next day after all the excitement, you have to be happy with your decisions and most importantly with each other. We've always likened it to a marathon, not a sprint. Enjoy the run!

[jccuriouscouple]

Originally Posted by jjtrindc

We don't have much new to add, but simply to confirm the other responses. Do what is right for you. Perhaps it's making out...soft swap...or the full thing. Some consider the "appetizers" only teases, others consider the appetizers a full course For us, we are taking things slow to make sure we happy with each new step. Others may consider us boring...lol. Remember, when the sun comes up the next day after all the excitement, you have to be happy with your decisions and most importantly with each other. We've always likened it to a marathon, not a sprint. Enjoy the run!

Very well said. Those are definitely words of wisdom..

[Chicup]

For us jumping right in was mostly the correct path.

We started baby steps...and quickly decided to join the big kids side of the pool.

Personally I think you will either know you are ready or not right away, and really you won't know what kind of emotions you will have knowing your wife/husband is having sex with someone else until they do.

For us it was soft swing (everything but) the first time, and it was awesome, like mind blowing good.

The second was full swap with the same couple, and I had some minor jealousy issues (shouldn't have done separate rooms) that no amount of soft swap would have really prepared me for. No drama or anything, but just nothing you could ease into either.

I think the problem with baby steps is that some couples are so afraid of what could go wrong or are embarrassed to tell their partner they really want to move ahead that they don't progress.

[hornykat74]

Not sure if I'm 'qualified' to answer your question, and there is already some great advice here that I simply can't add to, but will share our experience anyway!

We are taking baby steps. No full swap at this stage...and it worked for us I think for us by not having to worry about potential jealousy or adverse reactions to seeing each other in full swap then we could focus on what was happening to, and around us without those thoughts in the back of our mind kind of ruining the mood. Know what I mean? Sometimes you can THINK too much about what may or may not happen and how you'll react and you can't simply enjoy what is happening right now. Anticipation is a wonderful turn on and can enhance any experience, but not when the anticipation is of something that could be a bad thing....it can be just moodkill.

Here's two bits of advice that I got from this site. Firstly TALK TALK TALK. Not only to your partner, but also to potential playmates. We found some people didn't want to know us because we were newbies and they didn't want any potential dramas as we find our boundaries. But the one we did play with were brilliant. There was lots of discussion on what we would like to happen, what was out of bounds etc. And they totally respected them.

Secondly.....have fun. If at any point you aren't having fun? Simply stop. The worst thing that can happen is that the people your with or chatting to will get upset over it, and to be honest who cares what someone who doesn't respect your wishes thinks of you anyway?!

Good luck!

Cheers, K&T

[redsfan1]

We first discussed the lifestyle in May of this year. After a couple of months of experimenting, we had our first full swap this month.

Is that fast or slow?

[bbarnsworth]

Originally Posted by redsfan1

We first discussed the lifestyle in May of this year. After a couple of months of experimenting, we had our first full swap this month.

Is that fast or slow?

Neither. We can't evaluate that. Only you can. My wife and I spent about a month talking and had our first soft swap last weekend, and expect a full swap soon. That's faster than you probably. Doesn't make our progress fast either. The couple we were with spent years talking about it before crossing the bridge. Doesn't make them slow.

What matters is how you and your partner feel.

[iapr]

I'll put a little different spin on this. Don't try to either take baby steps or to jump in head first. Just go with the intention of meeting new people, being yourselves and let nature take it's course. In other words don't "try" to do anything. Just be yourselves and be friendly and let the mood of the moment take it's natural course and don't do anything you don't want to do but by the same token don't hold yourself back unnecessarily either.

If you go in with a "plan" your plan will get all blown to hell anyway. If you go in planning to take baby steps you may meet the perfect people under the perfect situation and if you hold yourself back you may not get another chance.

If you go in planning to jump in head first you may not meet anyone that you would want to touch with a ten foot pole or worse yet, noone will want to touch you with a ten foot pole.

The only plans you should make are to go out and do something a little different and meet some new people and have fun.

[lou lou]

For us, we talked about it for 3 months or so. Mainly because its hard for us to be able to get away to the club we want to go to. Than in July we managed to go, we had no expectation, rules in place before we went and really only expected to play with each other.

Our first time turn in to a full swap with a couple, we had sent most of the night talking to. It was a great experience for us, the couple has been in the lifestyle for a number of years.
For me it was surprising that I had no jealousy issues.

So everybody has there own pace, just know your rules and stick with them.

[rz_miller]

we are very new to the lifestyle, so to best fit us, we may move in slowly...attend a club and play in any games they may have, as well as some soft swapping