How do most couples start out in the swinging lifestyle?

[jccuriouscouple]

My wife and I are looking at this lifestyle. I am curious how most couples start out. Do most start out with something like same room sex with their partner (with other couple watching/having sex also) or do most start out full-swing?

I have been trying to decide where my comfort level is at starting out. I lean more toward us starting out with same room sex with our partners only or something similar. I'm excited at the idea of my wife giving/receiving oral and other forms of play with the other couple but I have some initial reservations about her having intercourse with the guy. My wife has voiced some bi-curious thoughts so I would like for us to explore that more initially. My concerns at this point are:

1. Pregnancy (I'm fixed she isn't and condoms aren't necessarily 100%)
2. Disease (High School acquaintence died of aids)
3. I'm an emotional guy. I am just plain not sure how I feel about another guy having intercourse with my wife. She is everything to me. I have fantasized about her having sex with another guy while giving me oral but fantasy and real life are starting to feel a little different.

I have no expectations of having intercourse with the female in the other couple either. However, I want my wife to get all that she wants out of the experience.

If I don't want her to have intercourse with the other guy, I feel like I'm cheating her somehow.

I think, if we start out slow (same room sex, ladies enjoying each other, etc) I could probably get comfortable with idea of full-swap. I'm just not sure yet.

I'm hoping to get my wife to talk to me about her fantasies in more detail but that hasn't happened yet. I'm being patient though. I'm anxious to hear what she wants. I just think she is being shy.

Does anyone here have some thoughts or experiences to help me with this?

[bbarnsworth]

First, welcome! Second, there's no rush here. Start with where you are BOTH comfortable. Discuss, talk, discuss, talk, lather rinse repeat until you feel like you've talked it to death Communication is very important in all of this.

You don't have any requirement to be comfortable with another man having intercourse with your wife. Some men really enjoy seeing that. Some do not. That doesn't mean they can't have an enjoyable time soft swapping with others. You should not feel like you are cheating your wife if she doesn't get to have sex with someone else.

The point is to have fun. If one or both of you are not having fun, there's a potential problem.

Yes, fantasy and reality do not necessarily coincide nor does fantasy become reality. Sometimes fantasies are left as just that. You are far from alone in fantasizing about receiving oral from your wife while she has sex with another man. That's a highly erotic fantasy to many. It's up to you and your wife to decide what can happen.

It's good you are being patient. Keep talking.

Pregnancy; I think there's a good sub forum in the archives about this. Learn. Personally, I would not trust one form of birth control unless the receiving woman has had a hysterectomy. ANY other form of birth control has a failure rate. There's a reason for that. Life wants to happen But, with multiple forms of birth control in place, you can make the odds insanely in your favor. For my wife and I, the way we manage this shows a statistical chance of 7 in 10,000 after one year of regular sex with your partner (and swinging has a far lower frequency than regular couples have sex...well, at least for most swingers ).

Disease: I saw a study a while back that showed that swingers are not any more susceptible to STDs than the general population. In fact, there was a tendency to be less susceptible. Most swingers are in committed, long term relationships. These types tend to be very low risk for STDs.

Emotions; you simply can not guarantee how you will feel watching another man have sex with your wife. For many, this is a positive experience. There's a link which I'll put on the end of this post that is a thread on this very point. I think for many men, initially there's trepidation, but once they see their wives enjoying themselves so much it tends to go away. Some feel it's an ego boost to know they are married to someone others find so desirable...and guess what? You get to take her home with you!

Here's the link:
Emotions - the first time you saw your partner with someone else?

[tribbles]

Don't worry about how others did it....

FIND and DO what works for you two. If that is one step forward and two back and then two forward and one back....so what? It is your experience and you two get to guide it.

Go as slow as the slowest person...if that is same room sex, start there. Enjoy it, don't rush it.

[jjtrindc]

Sounds like you have put a lot of thought into this which is great. Are you communicating all this to your wife? That's the best place to start...lol. We talked talked and talked.

As for how "most" couples start, there probably is common answer. To second (and third) what others have said here, take it your speed. Heck, don't even worry about playing your first time out. Just get out there and meet people and enjoy the sexual vibe.

That's how we started. It was great. No pressure at all. Just be into each other and you can start trading fantasies over a couple of drinks.

[willyoats]

When I first suggested swinging, it was because I wanted to have sex with other women without the drama and potential complications of an affair. My wife was indifferent about herself having sex with other men, as she had previously done that and didn't feel the need to do it again. Thus, I thought maybe I would do it and she would just be on the sidelines. Then one night she decided that what was good for the gander was good for the goose. The prospect of seeing her with another man hit me like a sledgehammer even though I knew about, and was turned on by hearing of, her previous exploits. It took about six months of more-or-less constant discussion before that feeling of uncertainty and dread abated.

When we finally started swinging, it was in separate rooms with a very experienced couple who ran a swing club in Florida that had regular introductory sessions for novices like us. The experience was marvelous. I can't imagine a better way to start. It was pretty low key, and because we were in separate rooms, we were not distracted by the other partner.

The next experience we had was in the same room with MFM threesome. That was also great. By that time, I was really ready to see her with another guy.

Then we did full swap with another couple, and were off and running!!

Pregnacy was a concern for us as it is for you. We tried sponges, which were totally unsatisfactory. Next was some foam which was also lousy. Then we switched to condoms, but the spermacide seemed to contribute to yeast infections. Plain condoms were pretty good. As it happened, we soon found out that many of the guys we were interested in were fixed.

In our experience, although it seems to be pretty rare, there are the minor STD's (herpes, HPV, trichonomiasis (sp?), etc.) in the lifestyle. That seems to be more likely among singles or guys who are cheating on thier SO's. We never heard of anyone getting clap or syph, nor had the organizers of several conventions we went to. Ditto, HIV/AIDS.

One couple we were close to had a friend who contracted herpes and thereafter started a website where other couples who had the same condition could meet for swinging encounters. I don't remember the web address, but if the site is still running, you might find it through Google.

Good luck. I hope you get started in a gentle and satisfactory way, and that you enjoy swinging as much as we have.

[2inSanDiego4u]

Like the OP said, everybody is different. Go at a slow pace and stay within both of your comfort zones. Talk about absolutely every detail, even stuff that might seem insignificant. Don't pressure each other into anything, and say NO if there is anything you're not comfortable doing.

As far as pregnancy goes, the Depo shot is a good solution. She won't have periods and it lasts for 3 months before the next shot is needed.

As far as disease goes, use condoms and be selective about who you're with.

Good luck!

[iapr]

Don't give a moments thought to how "other" couples started out. Do what you two are comfortable with at all times.

If your current comfort level is same room/same partner activities go with that. Heck we have been a full swap couple for almost two years and same room/same partner is still fun.

The important thing is don't let anyone pressure either of you into anything you are not wanting to do and by the same token do not pressure yourself into anything either.

You are not cheating your wife out of anything if you are not comfortable with something. Unless she is just a totally cold, heartless and selfish person she will want it to be a healthy and happy experience for the both of you.

Stay within your comfort zones and realize that your comfort zones will change over time as you become more aware of your feelings and as you become more experienced.

As far as your concerns about pregnancy/disease etc, those are valid concerns. You need to be responsible for your own safety. It's just like driving a car, there are inherent risks and the way you mitigate those risks is by knowing and following the rules of the road, staying sober and in control, and utilizing all the available safety equipment and techniques.

[sweet_tna]

First off, kudos to ya'll for beginning the process in a good way. You're talking about your feelings and fantasies, and looking here for more information. Smart move.

Now I will happily tell you about how we started out, but here's the thing: this is YOUR experience, so you and your wife need to figure out what's gonna' work for the two of you.

Our experience was same room sex with another couple. Our next experience was full swap with the same couple. See, that doesn't help too much, does it?

As to your other concerns:

1) Pregnancy--Mr. Sweet had a vasectomy about a year prior to us even thinking about swinging. We use condoms, but I have decided to have my tubes tied (my surgery is next week). Yes, it is a risk, and one you and your wife will have to determine whether you are willing to take it and/or how to reduce/elimnate that risk.

2) Disease--While certainly not perfect, condoms seem to be slightly better than nothing when it comes to preventing STD's. Again, you have to decide what level of risk is acceptable to you.

3) Emotions--Here's the kicker. You're never gonna' be sure exactly how you're going to feel about a lot of this until you try it. My advice? Take it slow, perhaps by starting out just going to a club and flirting with other couples. At some point, maybe you'll feel comfortable enough to try soft swap with another couple, even if it's just the ladies playing and then same room sex with your own spouses. The key is to run at the pace of the slowest runner.

Another important thing to remember is that NO means NO. You don't have to do anything you are uncomfortable with, so if something feels even a tiny bit "off", then speak up.

And speaking of speaking up, keep those lines of communication wide open. Talk to your wife. Then talk some more. And keep on talking. Eventually you two will figure out what you both want out of this experience, and how you want to go about it.

Best of luck to ya'll,

=)

[realcplub2]

Ok, I think chopping each part apart is easier.. so lets get the scissors..

Originally Posted by jccuriouscouple

My wife and I are looking at this lifestyle. I am curious how most couples start out. Do most start out with something like same room sex with their partner (with other couple watching/having sex also) or do most start out full-swing?

SNIP

In this, its a personal choice as to what YOU and SHE are comfortable with.
Some start as a full swap, others need to build up to it, and some never do..

I have been trying to decide where my comfort level is at starting out. I lean more toward us starting out with same room sex with our partners only or something similar. I'm excited at the idea of my wife giving/receiving oral and other forms of play with the other couple but I have some initial reservations about her having intercourse with the guy. My wife has voiced some bi-curious thoughts so I would like for us to explore that more initially. My concerns at this point are:

1. Pregnancy (I'm fixed she isn't and condoms aren't necessarily 100%)
2. Disease (High School acquaintence died of aids)
3. I'm an emotional guy. I am just plain not sure how I feel about another guy having intercourse with my wife. She is everything to me. I have fantasized about her having sex with another guy while giving me oral but fantasy and real life are starting to feel a little different.

SNIP

Reality is always different than the fantasy, But then, its supposed to be, or we would walk around with our collective heads up our asses.. Well, YES some do anyway..

As far as your points.. Again, If Soft Swap is the choice you both make, then make it clear with any future playmates.. That is the line you draw.. FOR NOW

As far as the disease aspect, the same thing applies to the pregnacy issue.. If you are soft swap, then she gets pregnant with YOU.. as far as disease, CONDOMS while not perfect, they go further than sheer HOPE does.. They are a comfort zone for many couples..

I have no expectations of having intercourse with the female in the other couple either. However, I want my wife to get all that she wants out of the experience.

SNIP

Ok, I skipped over it during the last SNIP, but, this is the one point that needs to made as clear as can be.. You cant half jump out of an airplane.. you either are or arent jumping.. same thing applies here..

If I don't want her to have intercourse with the other guy, I feel like I'm cheating her somehow.

I think, if we start out slow (same room sex, ladies enjoying each other, etc) I could probably get comfortable with idea of full-swap. I'm just not sure yet.

I'm hoping to get my wife to talk to me about her fantasies in more detail but that hasn't happened yet. I'm being patient though. I'm anxious to hear what she wants. I just think she is being shy.

Does anyone here have some thoughts or experiences to help me with this?

OK, its like this, if she ISNT sharing these PRIVATE thoughts with you as of yet.. STOP

When you read all the other threads about this and we all stress COMMUNICATION we mean just that.. you need to share ALL your thoughts between you both.. otherwise you DO run the risk of having JEALOUSY rear its head.. At this point you CAN'T even be sure WHAT she wants, until you discuss ALL of this fully including the fantasy aspect.

That should be your starting point.. the rest you BOTH can figure out from there.

[des1re06]

Take it slow and only do what you're comfortable with.

There is no set time line. It's all about what you and your partner want.


Mrs. D

[2inSanDiego4u]

Regarding the emotional issues that might arise, here is a discussion thread about it which might be useful:

Emotions - the first time you saw your partner with someone else?

[jccuriouscouple]

Originally Posted by realcplub2

OK, its like this, if she ISNT sharing these PRIVATE thoughts with you as of yet.. STOP

When you read all the other threads about this and we all stress COMMUNICATION we mean just that.. you need to share ALL your thoughts between you both.. otherwise you DO run the risk of having JEALOUSY rear its head.. At this point you CAN'T even be sure WHAT she wants, until you discuss ALL of this fully including the fantasy aspect.

That should be your starting point.. the rest you BOTH can figure out from there.

Great statement and I agree whole heartedly.

We had been in a rut over the last couple of years as a result of a new kid in the house, moving twice, etc. So, we have both had to get past some resentment issues that had built up. We had both been stressed (professionally and personally) and we have both felt like we had got the short end of the stick sometimes. As a result, our love life dropped off.

Over the last month we have realized that we needed to improve things in th bedroom. We have BOTH acknowledged responsibility for the rut we got in which I think was a HUGE plus for us. So, the communication is improving from where we were a month ago. Everyone on this website has been so right, this lifestyle, even if you are just curious and looking at it, can improve your marriage. We have had sex more in the last couple of weeks since we have been talking about this than we probably did in the last couple of months. I'm excited and encouraged to say the least.

She says she doesn't have any fantasies really. She says she is just curious about the lifestyle. But, since she is the one that brought this lifestyle up again (and said she thought it may be a good way for us to reconnect again), I have a hard time accepting that she doesn't fantasize. How do you bring this lifestyle up if you aren't having some kind of thoughts going through your head?

I would be excited to know she is thinking about things! As a result of our rut we were in, I was seriously wondering if she thought about it all. I would be even more excited if she would share her thoughts/fantasies with me.

She is a sexual woman. It really showed when we first got married. I really loved that about her(only a small part of why I fell in love with her though). I'm confident she is having thoughts. However, she has had a hard time in the past about being vocal about desires/fantasies. So, I am being patient and encouraging her to voice her fantasies. I think she is shy about it in some way. I think she is either embarrassed to vocalize them to me or she may be afraid of my reaction. I have told her several times that I want to hear anything that she is interested in/wanting and that I will not get upset or have a negative reaction in any way. I see this, if nothing else, as an opportunity to take our relationship to a higher level. I really, really want her to be happy and fulfilled. I'm so open minded to what she needs right now it is unbelieveable. I have never been so anxious to hear her thoughts as I am now.

To try to encourage her, I have started mentioning some of my fantasies. Hopefully, me opening up will encourage her to do the same. I've never had hard time talking though. I vocalize my feelings alot, probably more than I should. She grew up in a family that didn't talk about sex, politics or money. So, we have some growing to do.

Overall, I'm excited about where we are at. I think we will continue to make progress. I love her more than anything in the world. She is awesome!

Thanks for all the great replies here.

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by jccuriouscouple

My wife and I are looking at this lifestyle. I am curious how most couples start out. Do most start out with something like same room sex with their partner (with other couple watching/having sex also) or do most start out full-swing?

We jumped right into the big pool of swing and started out same room and full swap. We had a bit of girl/girl play in there before the big swap thing happened.

I have been trying to decide where my comfort level is at starting out. I lean more toward us starting out with same room sex with our partners only or something similar. I'm excited at the idea of my wife giving/receiving oral and other forms of play with the other couple but I have some initial reservations about her having intercourse with the guy. My wife has voiced some bi-curious thoughts so I would like for us to explore that more initially.

You have to do what BOTH of you are comfortable with. If you're ready to try something and she's not... back off and just take it slow and go at her speed. Same for her.

My concerns at this point are:

1. Pregnancy (I'm fixed she isn't and condoms aren't necessarily 100%)
2. Disease (High School acquaintence died of aids)
3. I'm an emotional guy. I am just plain not sure how I feel about another guy having intercourse with my wife. She is everything to me. I have fantasized about her having sex with another guy while giving me oral but fantasy and real life are starting to feel a little different.

As far as pregnancy goes, condoms are not 100% safe from pregnancy, but then again, the only thing that really is 100% safe is abstinence. You can do some research right here on this board and make some decisions. Condoms are very effective against STD (disease) transmission, however.

You're VERY correct when it comes to fantasy vs. reality. It's a whole other ball of fun watching your spouse in your minds eye and it turns you on, while in real life, are you going to watch your wife with another man and wish to wring his neck? Not cool. That kind of drama needs to stay home.

I have no expectations of having intercourse with the female in the other couple either. However, I want my wife to get all that she wants out of the experience.

Good. Going anywhere without expectations is the way to go and if something does happen, it's all a bonus, isn't it? Icing on the proverbial cake.

If I don't want her to have intercourse with the other guy, I feel like I'm cheating her somehow.

Not really. If you don't have sex with the other woman, you're both free to have sex with each other when the girl/girl play is done. Maybe she's not ready to have sex with other guys yet, either and just wants to have a little girl/girl action.

I think, if we start out slow (same room sex, ladies enjoying each other, etc) I could probably get comfortable with idea of full-swap. I'm just not sure yet.

I'm hoping to get my wife to talk to me about her fantasies in more detail but that hasn't happened yet. I'm being patient though. I'm anxious to hear what she wants. I just think she is being shy.

Does anyone here have some thoughts or experiences to help me with this?

From what I've read, it sounds like before you two even think about hooking up with anyone yet, you need to both sit down (over coffee at the kitchen table -- NOT in the bedroom) and talk about what exactly you're looking for and what you're both comfortable seeing the other do. Set up some rules if needed and obey those rules. Rules are made to be broken. (we've pared our down to just 2) If you two can't agree on something, don't do anything. In our marriage, communication is the one thing that keeps us going as swingers and our relationship open to a lot of trust and respect.

[todesireu]

We discussed it for some time before we acted on the idea. Full swap on first time out and it went well. ?Beginner's luck? The rules have evolved over time and like to keep it simple. Yes, a few potholes and ugly bumps along the way, we but don't let those keep us from having a good time.