Making A Mental Adjustment

[JustinMcLeary]

So after a few years of discussing this topic of sharing one another (and various stages of actually doing it) my wife has made it very clear she wants nothing to do with this lifestyle at all. Which of course is fair enough, and I am happy to make the concession with her. The only issue is, it is still quite prevalent in my mind, and I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions on how to "be less interested" in it for her sake. It might be that I am asking the entirely wrong group here, but thought just the same...

[realcplub2]

Ok.. lets assume for a minute you are serious, in that you truly are trying to NOT be interested in the LS..

Why in earth, would you ask how to NOT think about this, from a forum dealing WITH this LS?

" I wanna quit drinking, maybe I should ask the BARTENDER how to do that"

[socolais]

Ask your wife to support your fantasy in bed. Just the two of yall in a role playing game - she pretends to be someone new for you and other times you get to seduce her in the role of another guy. It's a fun game when everyone wants to play and in our experience, it's clearly not second best as fun sex. We started with those fantasies before we started swinging and they continue to be fun.

Sex should be fun at home. Swinging is just an adventure for us. If one of us decided to stop swinging, the other would support that decision without remorse.

[fun4Ds]

Well for me, I suppose a lobotomy might have done some good

Seriously though, can you compromise ?

Say for instance you get to keep your fantasies, be an understanding faithful husband and keep the lines of communication open sexually between just yourselves. You agree to never actually act on, or swing, but your allowed to be who your are and still be respected.

She gets to be the woman of your dreams without the others except, in fantasy. You show her honesty, trust and respect also.

You know that "agree to disagree" with mutual respect .

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by realcplub2

" I wanna quit drinking, maybe I should ask the BARTENDER how to do that"

Well actually there are bar tenders that could show support..... Its the guy sitting next to you in the bar that might not be helpfull

[SecretAsianMan]

Well... exactly how important is "swinging" to you? If you feel you cannot possibly be happy without it - this could become a hell of an area of contention for you & your wife. Would you wishing to continue in the lifestyle be something she could be okay with??

Is it just the sex? Or would she be okay with the socialization of swinging (i.e., the flirting, the meeting people, etc.) without the sex? And would that be a concession you'd be willing to compromise to if she's okay with you staying "in touch" but not swinging any more?

I used to typically fall "off the face of the planet" for a few months out of the year (even when I was at my most active) when a separate (totally unrelated) activity would take up all my free time / weekends / etc. Got something else to keep your mind off this subject??

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by JustinMcLeary

So after a few years of discussing this topic of sharing one another (and various stages of actually doing it) my wife has made it very clear she wants nothing to do with this lifestyle at all.

JustinMcLeary, I think you've come to just the right place to talk about what's on your mind.

Welcome to the Board!

We have members who are not swingers and will never swing, we have members who have been swingers but don't swing anymore, and we have people who hope they may swing one day, if their spouse would be agreeable. So you are certainly in good company.

Something I noted in your post is that you say nothing about trying to convice your wife to change her mind about swinging, instead, you have decided her answer is final and are looking for a way to handle her decision. That's a plus for you in my book.

I would be interested in knowing more about the "various stages of actually doing it" that you mentioned above. Did you post an ad on a swinger site, communicate with potential swingers, meet some or attend clubs but never decided to play? I wonder what the extend of your involvement has been.

Or has it only been talking and fantasizing that you are having sex with others during sex (a fantasy both you and your wife openly discuss at the time)?

When you put thought into something for a couple years - and maybe on a daily basis - it can be a challenge to move away from those thoughts that took up so much of your time.

First, I'd suggest not trying to "make" yourself not think about it. Instead, give yourself time to let the thoughts diminish over time. And thinking about swinging now and then won't be a bad thing. As suggested earlier, find something else you'd enjoy filling your thoughts and time with.

If you can live without swinging, you will. It will take some soul searching, you need to be certain what is important to you in life. Once you know, you'll find resolve.

LM

[jjtrindc]

It would be helpfull to know a bit more information about what your wife is thinking (and you for that matter). In our minds, the "lifestyle" doesn't just have to be about swapping partners. Is she open to hanging out with "sexual" people or in a "sexual" atmosphere? In that case, "off-premise" clubs can be a lot of fun. You can dance in a very sexually charged atmosphere and take that energy home. On-premise clubs allow you to watch and be watched. People in the lifestyle are very respectful and no mean no, so you can go to these places without fear that anything is going to happen. Honestly if you give off the vibe that you are just there to be with your partner, others pick up on that pretty quickly. We know, we've gone to many parties without the intention of playing with others. Lastly, a place like Desire can be fun too. We met lots of nice couples who just liked to be naked (or not) but were comfortable just being sexual.

So there are a lot of options out there. You just need to figure out where you and your wife would be comfortable in that spectrum. And remember, talk to it out...always. Make sure that if you go to a "lifestyle" event you are both on the same page and that you are behind her decision 100%.

[two42lovers]

my wife has made it very clear she wants nothing to do with this lifestyle at all

At face value, going to an off-premise club or hanging out with swingers is not something she'd be interested in.

There are a LOT of sex games the two of you can play together, and a lot of adventures and sexual explorations you can share just the two of you. Forget the "sex with others" theme. How hot and wild can just the two of you be together? (It will be fun to find out.) What fantasies can you fulfill? Sky's the limit. Make it intense, and focus completely on her and her pleasure.

[JustAskJulie]

I find that the longer I am away from things the more I lose interest, but the more I focus on them the more interested I become. Sex, for instance, the more I have it the more I want it. Swinging, the more we participate, the more we want to make efforts to meet other great people for more fun.

So, I guess my suggestion to you would be to avoid places like this and avoid anything to do with swinging. The more you come here and other swinger sites, read stories about swinging, etc, the more you will want it and the more depressed you will get about not having it and possibly resent your wife. IMO, if you truely want to change your way of thinking and remove the idea from your head the best thing to do is remove it completely.