apprehensive about swinging

[mrs truckerwife]

Hi..... I'm brand new here. Anyone who has some good advice or suggestions.... My husband of 7 months has brought up the idea of us becoming swingers. This goes against everything I have ever been taught about marriage. I havent turned the idea down, because I do have my own fantasies and this could be one of them.... I just never thought about it. I have done some research on the matter and really like to think of myself as an open-minded woman. Some of the things I have read about swinging suggest women with higher sex drives really tend to flourish and enjoy the lifestyle. I am basically just being pulled in two different directions.... the way I was raised and being as open minded as possible. If there is anyone who could help ease my mind about this..... I know my husband is really interested in this and I want to make him a happy man and maybe just maybe explore my own sexuality

[JustAskJulie]

My first concern is that you've only been married such a short time. How long have you been together? Known each other? Every relationship is different and I'm the last one to say that 7 months is too short a time to be ready, but you need to make sure you evaluate that. Your relationship needs to be extremely strong to swing, make sure you have excellent communication to the point that you can tell each other anything without worry of being judged. I'd say it's a good sign that you have that if you are already talking openly with each other about swinging and about the concerns you have regarding swinging.

The issue of how swinging meshes with how most of us were raised is a pretty common one and one that we each have to come to terms with in our own way.

[mrs truckerwife]

Thank you for the reply.... We have been together for a little over a year and a half altogether. From the very start of our relationship we have always communicated our feelings and thoughts to eachother. Are the bits of info true about the woman with a high libido enjoying an enviornment like this? Iwas told several times by my past and present partner that I am basically a nympho.... I am asking partly because I feel it would help me get past a part of my apprehensiveness.

[olycouple]

I think apprehension is very normal when considering something you've never thought of doing before. But, what exactly are you apprehensive about? Of course, you should definitely discuss every concern, question, worry, etc. with your partner, but maybe if you address some of them here, we could help, advise, or just assure you that you are not alone in your feelings. I, personally, was very apprehensive when my husband brought up the idea. My fears rallied around feelings of jealousy, concern that I wasn't enough to satisfy him, or that it would come between us somehow. Our discussions, regardless of where they lead us, have truly brought us closer together. We have begun to share our fantasies more openly, and we feel more accepted and not at all like we will be judged for our desires. Though we were close before, I don't think we had gotten to that point until we started considering this lifestyle. I think it's awesome that you are just opening up to each other, regardless of whether or not you decide this is for you.
Mrs. Oly

[realcplub2]

First Off, Welcome..

Now then, to the heart of the matter.. As far as your concerns, From the time a woman is born until well into puberty, they are all taught the Good Girls do this - Bad Girls do that.. And in the past 75 years, those old teachings have slowly been reversed.. Because, much like the Womens Lib movement and most Therapists agree, a woman has a right to enjoy herself sexually, Just as much as ANY OTHER PERSON, male or female..

So that having been said, getting past the mental blocks can be a bitch but they can be over come.. its as simple as understanding that you are entitled to enjoy yourself, and so long as no one else is getting hurt, So what..

Now then, back to the other portion of your first post

Your Husband brought this up to you in what way? Meaning, what is the activity he thinks is a great idea for you BOTH, as far as swinging goes..?

Julie is absolutely right, Being together a year and a half, and married 7 months, Its surprising to say the least.

Lets flip this back around to the point that it needs to be on, regardless of High Libido or not, What exactly is your opinion, or more to the point what is your Desire, that you wouldnt mind exploring.. Does it match your husbands? If it does GREAT, if it doesnt, then express that to him..

A man that starts a discussion about trying swinging with his wife, Should do so from the position that, What ever HER desires are set the course for the fun.. Not the other way around. And one more point, Please, understand this, NEVER allow yourself to do ANYTHING simply to PLEASE HIM.. cause lets say you give him his fantasy.. Whats to stop him from expressing another, maybe one that is even less appealing.

Know what I mean?

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by mrs truckerwife

Are the bits of info true about the woman with a high libido enjoying an enviornment like this?

Yes, Its true It seems that is pretty important. Is this something that your apprehensive about because of a bad label ?

If so why ?

[twotocum4u2]

I too have some concerns about the limited time you guys have been together. Mrs. and I were married for 20 years before I suggested the lifestyle. You guys must have very good communications and be able to discuss all sexual topics openly, without any inhibitions. Set rules for example if the wife says no its no! No discussion, she runs it all (in our situation).

I too had some problems at first, being raised a good little catholic boy . . . but I got over them FAST. Maybe you guys might think about starting out with only soft swing and after a while move on to more aggressive styles and finally full swap . . .

[2insandiego4u]

The newness of your marriage seems to be a red flag to us, and others too. How is your relationship right now? Have any issues come up since you got married that have remained unresolved? It's hard for us to imagine someone with a marriage so new getting into this lifestyle. We talked about it on and off for years, and finally did it after being together for over 20 years! That being said, if your relationship is really solid and you both want this, maybe you should set some clear rules and boundaries, then experiment with it and see if it is for you.

[fun4Ds]

I cant say being newlyweds is a red flag

I suppose we were introduced to swinging many years ago. I'm quite sure the honey moon wasnt over

The thing is, we didnt have anyone to talk about how we felt sexualy then.

Many years later. Looking back, one of the things when swinging came back into our lives, that we talked about was.... we never argued or had issues about things that happened ....then.

[mrs truckerwife]

Thank you all for being so helpful, I really needed to hear what other people thought about the situation. I am feeling more comfortable with the idea of taking things slowly and taking the time to realize some of my own fantasies as well as his. I was thinking about how to get over my hang-ups for what seems like forever and when that wasn't helping I started to think about the different types of the swinging lifestyle I thought I would enjoy. That was pretty much my " aha!" moment .... and I realized that if my husband and I could start out as slow as I needed to I could most definitely become more excited about the other possiblities. So thank you again.... I will for sure come on here for any further advice and suggestions!

[WeMayTryIt]

truckerwife,
In some ways, you sound much like us, except for the fact that it took us being together for over 20 years to get to the point where we could discuss swinging. The sad part is that it took us that long, it didn't have to. If you guys are truly at that point after a year and a half, kudos to you. I would ask yourself this--is there any part of who you are--your desires, fears, fantasies--that you feel you can't share with your husband, and vice versa? In the deep, dark recesses of your mind, is there anything you are keeping from each other or hiding? Is there anything that makes you stop and think, "It would be best if he didn't know that" or "I'm afraid of what he'd think if he found that out"? If you feel comfortable being 100% transparent with each other, and seeing each other for who you truly are brings you closer, I'd say you could indeed be ready.

The main reasons it took us over 20 years to get to that point were: a)Insecurity--we thought that if the other person really knew what was going on in the hidden places of our minds, there would be some level of rejection or hurt; b)An upbringing that said who we really were was wrong. As for insecurity, at some point you just have to decide that it's worth the risk of opening yourself up. If you're with the right person, the rewards are nothing less than magical. If you're not with the right person, well, at least you know the answer. In regard to the upbringing issues, those actually became easier as we got closer. Being open, honest and real was more important to us than what others were telling us we should be. As we grew together, everything just seemed right. For us, the fact that we can both be comfortable swinging is a milestone in our lives that indicates our relationship is where it should be. All the things we were taught about relationships growing up seems to be so much B.S. I honestly don't know any non-swinging people who have as good a relationship as we have--including all the churchies we used to hang out with, who still struggle with issues of truly opening themselves up to one another. All of this has helped us get past the point of caring whether what we're doing goes against what we've always been taught. As Julie said, as you make your way through this, you'll come to your own way of dealing with upbringing issues. If you and your husband are a true team,you'll find the way.

As for nymphos thriving in the lifestyle--you'll feel right at home, and who you are will be accepted, celebrated and encouraged It's a truly freeing experience, the likes of which we never found when doing things the way others thought we should.

[iapr]

Originally Posted by mrs truckerwife

Thank you for the reply.... We have been together for a little over a year and a half altogether. From the very start of our relationship we have always communicated our feelings and thoughts to eachother. Are the bits of info true about the woman with a high libido enjoying an enviornment like this? Iwas told several times by my past and present partner that I am basically a nympho.... I am asking partly because I feel it would help me get past a part of my apprehensiveness.

I really don't think libido actually has anything to do with it at all. I think it is a myth and misperception that people have that swingers are somehow hornier or more sexual than nonswingers.

IMHO the lifestyle and swinging as a couple really don't have anything to do with libido or hornyness. What makes people "flourish" in the lifesyle is enjoying another facet of their sexuality and being in an environment where they are around other likeminded people and don't have to hide who they are sexually. That would apply as well to someone has a low libido as much as someone with a high libido.

We don't swing because we are any hornier than any other couple. In many ways we are probably less horny than a lot of couples and 98% of our daily lives is quite nonsexual. We swing with other couples now and then because we enjoy the extra stimulation and excitement that another set of hands/mouths/genitalia etc can provide and we enjoy being around other that enjoy the same things as we do and share similar interests.

[Alura]

from Oklahoma, Truckerwife! We're glad you've joined us!

We see no red flags in a relationship that has lasted a year and a half with good communication. It's the ability to share ideas that matters, not how long y'all have been together. Some couples who've stayed together for thirty years don't communicate well enough to swing.

Mrs. Alura and I were ready to swing on our second date but didn't realize it until our drive back to her place from the home of the first couple to offer us the experience. We wished then that we had known each other well enough to say, "Yes!"

Keep talking and sharing ideas. You may never get to a point that y'all will want to swing, but your marriage will be spectacular!

Mr. Alura

[socolais]

This thread gets my recomendation for all newbies to read!!!

I see a small division amongst swinging couples. One group started exploring their sexuality about college age and that led them to swinging. The other group explored swinging as an option when the kids became more independent (or perhaps, left home) and that led them to swinging later in life because exploration was a lower priority for a while. Neither group is wrong of course, but they will usually have a different answer for why they swing. The first group wonders why the others took 20 or more years to finally see the light and the second group wonders how the young ones could develop such trust and communication so quickly.

The tricky part is that there's no litmus test to determine if you're REALLY ready. How much courage, confidence and trust do you need to open your sexual exploration to include other people? Do you have control of your fears? Do you read the clues in a social setting? What would it take to negatively impact your relationship? Can you share yourself and your spouse openly with others? Are you willing to offer and accept sexual pleasures with others? Are you prepared to speak up when you first notice you're not comfortable with an activity or situation? Are you excited by adventure?

Singles have only their own souls to search and perhaps their decision is much easier than for couples. We have to respect ourselves and our mates.

[wifewriter35]

I too am having a hard time with the debate on how I was raised (the moral issue) and what is a turn on. We have been to several parties and have had a few dinners with other couples in the lifestyle. The one time where things escalated to full swap I was devastated so we quit for a couple of years. Now the subject has returned, I really like the parties and the public touching and feeling but still having a hard time getting over jealousy, my husband tells me he could care less if he is with another woman but would love to see me with another man, I am still not to the point of agreeing even though I think it would make us closer, right now it is a sore subject.