First timers

[tsarlington]

Hello,

So we are a married couple and we have been exploring the lifestyle. We have a great relationship. Outside the bedroom we have very few problems, with the exception that we have very few close couple friends to hang out with. In the bedroom, we do have some stuff to work on. The wife is very very very shy and doesn't have a lot of confidence. She came from a religious family and has always had trouble being a sexual person. The sex is great when it happens, but lacking the confidence means that she never initiates sex, wants it, or needs it. She likes having sex (and is very good at it), but still feels unsure of it.
That is what got us talking about this. It feels like a great way to open up and gain confidence and a comfort level with sex.

We began talking about it slowly over time. As the talking became more serious we started researching everything. This board has been a great resource. Everyone here seems to be so helpful. We also joined SDC and began to chat and email with other couples online. We would be very clear with them that we are very new to this and wanted to take things slowly. Most people actually recommended we do that anyway. Our next step was to meet a couple. We said ahead of time that we weren't ready to swing yet, but we would love to meet and have drinks. This couple was not the most experienced couple but definitely had a lot more experience than us. They were definitely accommodating to our wishes but did seem disappointed when, even though things were going well, we didn't take the next step. We then met another couple and they are super nice and much closer to our age. Their experience was much the same as ours and I think that just makes things a bit awkward. No one is ready to take a first move. We are making friend's with the second couple and are having fun sharing stories about the other couple we all meet. The last step we took was going to a party. Its was a lot of fun. We got there early and kind of just people watched. Once again everyone was very nice and we chit chatted with a lot of them. With each step we have become more comfortable with this. The wife is even noticing a confidence boost as well as a stronger sex drive. We in fact had phone sex for the first time, while the husband was out of town. The frequency and intensity of our sex has gone way up. So far so good.

That is our entire history in the lifestyle so far. We know that was really long, but we wanted to throw that out there before we asked a couple of questions. We hate it when someone asks a question like "should me husband and I swing?" With out some history how could anyone answer that?

Our first question has to do with our personal experience. A lot of people seem a bit put off by the fact that we have only been with each other sexually. We are both in our later 20's and we have been together for nine great years. One couple told us that it was a lot of responsibility for them. Is it going to make things much harder for us, at least on the first experience? We don't understand the hoopla. Its because we have never been with other people that we want to do this. We are both very curious to be with other people and to learn new tricks that we can bring back to our sex life. The wife likes to say that its not like we're complete virgin's we just stayed in boot camp longer than most.

Secondly. The husband is more comfortable with this than the wife. He is good with people and makes friends a lot easier. More importantly he is much less afraid of new things than the wife. That said, the husband is being very patient, letting her move forward at her own pace. Our question is, Does everyone eventually find the courage on their own or does it take a little push? Everyone has been very cool and non pushy, but is it ok if one side is a little pushy? Should we wait till the wife can make the first move or maybe look for a couple that is willing to nudge us a little?

The third questions is that everyone recommends baby steps, but what is a baby step? How slow is too slow, in general. The first couple we met said they were ok with it, but when we said that next thing we would feel comfortable with was non naked play, they seemed to loose interest. As if we were too much work. Which we understand. We get it, why put in all this work with a newbie couple when its so much easier to hook up with another experienced couple. It seems incrediable that people are even willing to be so helpful, but I guess its what keeps the community healthy. I guess once we get involved we should turn around and help out the next round of newbies.

We have other questions, but this seems like enough for now.

Thanks in advance for everything.

T & S

[jjtrindc]

We can totally relate to your situation on many levels. When we got into the lifestyle, we weren't quite sure what we wanted, but we knew we wanted to take things slowly. I think we got lucky. We posted an ad on SLS that was pretty clear about who we were and what we wanted. We met two great couples who were pretty much interested in the same thing - ie, same room sex, nothing more. Ultimately, we had to pull back because of kids, life, etc but that was fine. It has been that way off and on for a few years until we took a trip to Desire Cancun. That really liberated us. We've still only had one soft swap experience with another couple and looking for other new friends but still have a take things slow attitude. Stick with what works for you. What you are comfortable with. That way you'll never regret. Ultimately you'll find what you like with people that you like and that is most important. You'll also gain confidence over time. We did. Another suggestion is to visit "off-premise" clubs -- ie those clubs where no action can take place. It gives you a chance to experience a sexy vibe with like-minded couples in a no-pressure atmosphere. Good luck and have fun!

[fun4Ds]

Welcome to the Swingers Board T&S

I think you doing this in your own time your own way. There is nothing wrong with that. Sure your going to meet people with different levels of swinging but finding what works for both of you is how it should be. I think you have taken some baby steps as you mentioned but it seams your going at the same pace. I don't think either of us Pushed one or the other into actually taking the leap. But we kept the doors of opportunity open and occasionally nudged each other. Learning how to communicate about each others desires, kept us from nudging one another at the wrong times.

Sure you are going to meet people that move at a faster pace. There is a certain understanding we learned when we were starting out. Some people are limited with their time. We can understand now their wanting to hook up while they are out. We never took it as more experienced people being to pushy. We found their honesty wasn't harsh. But rather actually helped us, with not finding ourselves in a position, we couldn't handle.

Kind of a win, win, situation for the experienced and the new. They didn't down grade our lack of experience and in return, we see we really didn't want to hinder their possible play time. Even so looking back , I think it was just as difficult learning, or finding the courage to ask people "Would you care to join us... Now ?" as it was to say "Sorry we are kind of new and we want to go slow"

Hopefully you do share with others some day what you have found in the lifestyle. We share our great experiences with others as well as our cautions. We don't know everything as more experienced swingers now..... I'll bet we even learn some things about ourselves from you.... Stick around, join in here on the Swingers Board.
Were Swingers... we not only care.... We share

[realcplub2]

to the board, the first step is out of the way, lol.. You asked a few questions..

Now then.. How fast or slow you get started is completely up to you, and any person, couple or WHOEVER must be understanding of this. The situation you outlined with the first couple while not un common, is not the proper way to handle the situation. They knew you were jst getting started and to twist the phrase you used, sure they could hook up with another couple and play quicker.. BUT, no one twisted thier arms to chose to pursue you both. Patients, and understanding, is what they should have done regardless of thier experience level, or what they claim.

Now to answer you questions directly.

As far as to how experienced you both may or may not be in bed.. Again it shouldnt be an issue for anyone, so long as you really know where tab a can go, and that slot B requires a lot of due diligence..

As far as the difference between how fast or slow the husband or the wife is ready to proceed, Yes there is usually a difference.. Esp when you are getting started into all of this. As far as the whole push issue, that is something you both need to discuss, and figure out.. In our case, i can tell when My wife is nervous, Yes even after all these years, and try to come up with a clear idea of her wishes before making a BIG mistake and suggesting something further..

Our answer, was to come up with a basic question that the answer to is really a clear yes or no.. Something stupid like pointing out a picture on the wall or flower arraingement, and asking wouldnt that look good in the Dining room? the answers Yes.. its all good... No.. forget it.. Maybe, but.. She has some reservations still..

Again, it depends a great deal on your wife and how she feels.. maybe she wants a push.. Ask her, if that was a case before.. If things HAD happened.. would she have freaked or gone with it.. As far as the other couple nudging, that was the case with the first couple apparently..

We would all love for the woman we love to be the one ready to jump in with both feet, this isnt the case in many situations. Given the background you have given for her up bringing, She is still struggling with the Good Girl/ Bad girl issue.. As you say she wont initiate, but once she gets started is into it.. a great deal of that is relaxing mentally as well as physically and going wih the flow/moment..

Now then this brings us directly to the baby steps question. This is something that really, you need to figure out and TELL anyone you meet with, well before shaking thier hands. Be clear. As I explained in the first part of this post.. If the other couple was not clear about things then this might have led to the confusion but somehow I dont think so.

Recently we were contacted by a new couple too, and during the conversation that followed, They were looking for something to get started with that we really arent into. And i explained that to this person(the female half of the couple) That we werent comfortable with Voyeur play, meaning they wanted us all to get naked, and have sex in front of them, then they do the same in front of us, and maybe taking a few pictures during both halves of the event.. and then call it an evening.. red lights for us all the way around, to be sure, but more importantly.. If thats what you are looking for, head to a club and play there. I told this person that, and suggested a few locations on the web for them to look.

So to sum up..

Your personal sexual experience level, or inexperience level, is not an issue.. Christ thats what leads people to explore

Talk between yourselves and figure out a clearer idea of what she would do If..

The baby steps that YOU want to take, are measured against YOUR OWN ruler.. Just be clear with ANYONE you might meet, Where you stand on the issue of play.. and that it might not be an "overnight" revelation..

And you might want to add a nice simple quote to any email..

Patience is a virtue, and is usually REWARDED

[2insandiego4u]

Originally Posted by tsarlington

Our first question has to do with our personal experience. A lot of people seem a bit put off by the fact that we have only been with each other sexually.

Some couples like to avoid noobies because they believe there is an increased potential for drama or jealousy issues to arise. Find a couple that likes both of you and will respect your boundaries and proceed at a pace you're comfortable with. Communication is key for positive first time experiences, so don't hold back and talk about everything!

Originally Posted by tsarlington

Our question is, Does everyone eventually find the courage on their own or does it take a little push? Everyone has been very cool and non pushy, but is it ok if one side is a little pushy? Should we wait till the wife can make the first move or maybe look for a couple that is willing to nudge us a little?

You will find that your confidence increases as you go. You might be nervous the first time, but the second will be much easier. Never be too pushy, and don't let anyone talk you into anything you don't want to do - either of you. Learn to say No, and don't worry about hurting anybody's feelings when you do.

Originally Posted by tsarlington

The third questions is that everyone recommends baby steps, but what is a baby step?

A baby step is is going just far enough to where you don't feel uncomfortable with the situation at hand. If you don't have a good feeling about what is happening or is about to happen, then you've taken too big of a step, and should probably slow down and communicate everything you're feeling with your partner.

Glad you found us! Good luck!

[JustAskJulie]

to the board! Please make yourselves at home here (both of you), and read as much as you can and talk with each other about what you read, and don't hesitate to ask any questions.

Originally Posted by tsarlington

Our first question has to do with our personal experience. A lot of people seem a bit put off by the fact that we have only been with each other sexually. We are both in our later 20's and we have been together for nine great years. One couple told us that it was a lot of responsibility for them. Is it going to make things much harder for us, at least on the first experience? We don't understand the hoopla. Its because we have never been with other people that we want to do this. We are both very curious to be with other people and to learn new tricks that we can bring back to our sex life. The wife likes to say that its not like we're complete virgin's we just stayed in boot camp longer than most.

As someone else mentioned, many experienced couples will avoid newbies altogether because most newbies really aren't sure of what they are ready for and those experienced couples know what they want and would rather play on the level they know they are comfortable than feel they have to go backwards. When it comes to your lack of actual sexual experience the additional thoughts become.... what if one of these two discovers that sex with someone else is so much better than their partner? What if the lack of experience that they have proves to be a lack of ability as well? We are all in this to have fun and while there are no sure things. We want to at least have an inkling that things will go our way.

Originally Posted by tsarlington

Secondly. The husband is more comfortable with this than the wife. He is good with people and makes friends a lot easier. More importantly he is much less afraid of new things than the wife. That said, the husband is being very patient, letting her move forward at her own pace. Our question is, Does everyone eventually find the courage on their own or does it take a little push? Everyone has been very cool and non pushy, but is it ok if one side is a little pushy? Should we wait till the wife can make the first move or maybe look for a couple that is willing to nudge us a little?

You should always move at the pace of the slowest person involved. She knows you want to do this, that is a NUDGE of its own. At no point should you push her to go faster than she is ready. That doesn't mean that you have to wait until she gets to the point where she is ready to make the first move, but you do have to wait until you know that she is ok with someone making the move.

Originally Posted by tsarlington

The third questions is that everyone recommends baby steps, but what is a baby step? How slow is too slow, in general. The first couple we met said they were ok with it, but when we said that next thing we would feel comfortable with was non naked play, they seemed to loose interest. As if we were too much work. Which we understand. We get it, why put in all this work with a newbie couple when its so much easier to hook up with another experienced couple. It seems incrediable that people are even willing to be so helpful, but I guess its what keeps the community healthy. I guess once we get involved we should turn around and help out the next round of newbies.

Non-naked play is a big step backwards for most people sexually... even as a first step in swinging. I'm not even sure what non-naked play really is. So, yes I can see where a couple would be turned off by that and would think, why bother? If they can't even be comfortable getting naked in front of other people, how long are we going to have to work this couple to actually get anywhere? (from the perspective of the other couple) We are here to play on our level, and we all have relatively little time to enjoy this hobby so we are more likely to make the effort to find couples who are ready to play on our level than to 'waste' time playing with couples that we doubt will ever be ready to play on our level. It's like any hobby really. If you shoot pool for instance and you play well enough to hustle a few players, you aren't likely to be interested in playing some newbie who's never played the game before (at least not more than once). It gets boring.

[tsarlington]

ok,

First we would like to say thanks for all the advice. Once again everyone here has been very helpful.

Secondly we would like to update our progress. We now have met three couples out for "non play-dates". The first couple we already mentioned. They were both very nice, but not really right for us. The second couple we met were a great match for friends, though sexually, there doesn't seem to be a lot of chemistry even though they are both very attractive and nice people. To be honest their relationship doesn't seem all that balanced either. He is really into swinging and she isn't. They have had some experience but have admitted to only doing so under the influence of a lot of alcohol. She has also voice some regret. The upside is we are becoming friends. They are our same age and we have the same interests. Really we're happy being just friends with them. Its actually nice to have someone we can talk to with out the fear of being judged. The third couple is great. They seem very patient and we are all attracted to each other. They are probably our best bet for a first experience. If we do this they seem like a great option to do it with.

Also we have been to another party. This one was an off premise party and we had a lot of fun. The wife got hit on a quite a bit and she even managed to make out a little with another man we had been talking online with. She is still not exactly sure how she feels about it. It was more uncomfortable, being that she was kissing some stranger, than fun.

On the plus side we are getting everything that we wanted out of this LS so far. The wife is beginning to come out of her shell and be less shy. The sex is better, the communication is better, we're spending more time together, and we're making new friends. This might not seem like a big deal, but the wife sang karaoke in public for the first time in front of strangers and enjoyed it. This might not seem like a big deal but it was huge.

BUT we both are still not ready.

First off. The wife is terribly nervous. Its her way of dealing with new experiences in general. Something new always makes her nervous. As a fantasy, all this is great. When it becomes real she get nervous, she clams up, her palms get sweaty, and sometimes even gets to the point of tears. Fear is a big stepping stone for us. Fear of being naked in front of someone else, fear of rejection, fear of poor performance, fear of regret, even a fear of liking it to much. The good news is that this fear is getting smaller over time. Does it ever go away completely and we just need to wait and be more patient? or is it something that needs to get to a point where it is manageable? For instance when we went para sailing we were both pretty scared of it until afterward when we were both back on solid ground. It was scary, but we really enjoyed the ride and are happy we did it.

Also, we are both afraid of doing it for the wrong reasons. The wife wants to do it, but part of her is afraid she wants to do it to make the husband happy. (* this is not sexual.) Its just so much good has come of it so far, the wife feels worried that she is wanting to swinging, not because she wants to have sex, but because she wants to be more confident and sexual for her husband. The fantasy of it seems nice to both of us, but how can you be sure that you are actually right for this? Can you be sure before your first experience?

Something else we battle is "Is this right?" Every thing we found online from therapists claim that is wrong and no married couple should do this. They can't all be wrong, can they? It is not that we're morally against this, its just that we are both know that society sees this as wrong. We are getting to the point where we are letting go of this, but when our local news station runs a news story about how another dark dirty swinger club was shut down and it is treated as if cops busted up a drug ring, its hard to ignore.

Anyways that is our update, we are moving forward and enjoying the benefits so far. Thanks in advance of any additional advice.

[two42lovers]

When it becomes real she get nervous, she clams up, her palms get sweaty, and sometimes even gets to the point of tears. Fear is a big stepping stone for us. Fear of being naked in front of someone else, fear of rejection, fear of poor performance, fear of regret, even a fear of liking it to much.

This is all understandable, but it is also why many choose to avoid newbees. When one of the women jumps up and runs out of the room in tears, it isn't fun. (An example of the "drama" people want to avoid.)

In some ways our story is similar to yours. We were monogomas for over 20 years, and prior to each other, both of us had only one other sexual partner in our lives. We were both religious and very inhibited when we were your age. There was no way we were ready for swinging -lol! It took a lot of years of sharing fantasies with each other to get to the point. We didn't start playing until we hit our 40's. When we decided to swing, we had very similar ideas as you - learn new sexual techniques and become better partners for each other. Not there was anything wrong or bad - far from it - but we decided we wanted to go on a sexual adventure together, and take things to new sexual heights.

Advice? Go slow - one step at a time. Think about going to a big party or on-premise club (where you can play on-site) and play with each other in a room with other couples playing. Decide in advance you won't be playing with anyone except each other - and let everyone know who asks, so there isn't any misunderstanding. As you get accustomed to having sex with each other in a room of other couples having sex, you may find things will begin to get more comfortable. Make it about each other's pleasure and your thing together, and add in playing with other couples at a pace and to the degree that feels right. Be your wife's protector - never push her, nor create an adgenda, nor cause her to feel obligated by your desires. Let her know for certain you are all about her pleasure and comfort, every step of the way.