Newbie couple interested but apprehensive

My wife and I both talk about the possibility of swinging openly. We're long term married, in our mid to late forties and the scenarios heat us both up. The trouble is, the reality sets in...pregnancy, (I'm fixed, she's not); disease conversations, overly aggressive people, (we have exchanged a few e-mails with couples, but most seem much more experienced than us and some have turned us off...we would be pretty much a straight a head couple);...etc. I guess we're both concerned that if we met the right couple, we'd get too carried away, don't know if that would be a bad thing. But curious to hear from other newcomers as to the positives and negatives.

[tittietwister]

We've been at this year. Some approach this with more boldness than others. Your fears and apprehensions are not unusual though. With the exception of pregnancy we had all the same concerns. There is also a very real danger of over analyzing and complicating this. The fear of the unknown often prompts people to do that in a kind of panic response. We will argue that in general you should embrace your fears for they represent the path to growth and transformation.

Regarding the couples contact you mentioned, in hindsight, we think focusing too much at first on couples contacts through meeting web sites is a mistake. Email and chat are simply inferior methods of communications. Profiles written years ago don't reflect current values, preferences or even ages. At this stage you need the most bandwith you can get in your communications with others.

Our advice is to locate some meet and greets in your area and talk to people. Find swinger clubs with newbie nights and attend. There is no obligation to do anything. As others on this board have lamented, a large number of people attending clubs are just looking so there is nothing to fear. Keep an open mind and reach out to people. You will find folks just like yourselves who have had or are having the same thoughts about the lifestyle. They will help you put your concerns in perspective and then you can make an informed decision to proceed deeper or not.

[2inSanDiego4u]

You'll get a lot of help with many of your concerns here. This subforum is a good place to start:

Curious About Swinging? - The Swingers Board

As far as pregnancy is concerned, has your wife considered getting on depo provera? It is a shot that you get from your doctor every 3 months, and it is covered by most insurance. Here is a link with more info:

Birth Control - Depo

[babycole]

I think that is something that we've all sat back and thought twice about. We too have the birth control issue (he's fixed, I'm not), and of course, everyone has the threat of disease, somewhere in the back of their minds, I would think. I think the best way to approach it is just to become educated and informed about ways to keep yourself safe...in all aspects. We use condoms and I have gotten on birth control as well! Either way, you do take risks, but there are definitely ways of lowering your risks tremendously.

As for the overly aggressive people....just keep looking. While there are the "overly aggressive", there are also those who are very respectful of new-comers as well. We too didn't want to just hop in with the "very experienced" when we first started, so we decided to chose our first couple as one's who were fairly new as well, but were alot like us in other aspects of our lives. It made for a very comfortable social meeting, but play time was still a bit "weird", as we were all in one way or another experiencing the "newbie" jitters too much to really enjoy that first time. But, it's been great since!

I agree, just make sure you aren't overanalyzing, protect yourself, and then go out there and have fun!!!

[socolais]

Welcome to the board, this is a great place to get more information. There's some good advise already in this thread, just remember you don't incur an obligation just by exploring a possibility. Have a closer look and then make a decision based on your own observations.

[newlythree]

Welcome aboard! Good folks around here with a lot of good advice....so listen to them. They have made our experiences much smoother.
The best thing you guys can do is keep your line of communications open at all times; in and out the bedroom. Talk about your interests, your fantasies, and most of all your concerns. Listen to your gut; if something doesn't seem right, move on down the line and you will be just fine.

[JustAskJulie]

to the board!

Everyone has apprehensions and insecurities as they approach new things. Fear is what keeps us safe. Swinging has risks and in the end you have to decide whether or not the risks are worth the outcome before you decide how far you can/will go.

[willyoats]

Like twojs, we were in our 40's when we started to think about swinging. It's a good time. You are probably well established, the family is growing up and you can relax a lot more about sex.

The pregnancy problem, which we had for the same reasons, is easily solved. We used sponges for a while, but that was lousy. We used condoms for a while, but that seemed to provoke yeast infections. Finally we just went with couples where the man was safe. At the various clubs, there were plenty of guys, both single and married, who qualified. They could lie, but at least among the marrieds, the wife confirmed and we took their word. My wife didn't get pregnant, although the mother of one of our favorite couples did get pregnant in her late 50's through swinging. Go figure!

The disease problem is ever present. I think (without any hard evidence) that singles are more likely to be a problem than marrieds. That shouldn't necessarily stop you from enjoying singles, but know them well before having sex.


The best place for tyros to meet suitable couples is at clubs and conventions. You can be face to face with a lot of people and judge pretty quickly whether there is any mutual interest. There is never any obligation to do anything that you do not want to. It's safe and usually pretty comfortable.

I really think the websites are not a good place to start because the odds of a beginner connecting with another suitable couple are very small. Lots of time wasted, disappointments, etc. We never found play partners through advertisements but had many wonderful experiences at clubs and conventions.

It's scary at first, of course, but if you can get past the initial hurdle, the swing lifestyle can be a marvelous experience.

[coollatinos]

I have read all the fine answers to twojs query because I have had the same conversations with my lovely wife.At our ages;she 55 and I 54,pregnancy is not a concern for her.I am not fixed,but we have used condoms at times for sanitary purposes;less to clean up afterwards,not a problem.Even after agreeing that swapping would be a stimulating experience,her 2 main fears are hygiene/disease,and after sex feelings of "guilt/remorse".29 years ago,when I bought our first VHS player and rented XXX tapes for stimulus,she expressed reservations about watching them. I had to reassure her that it would enhance or marriage/sex,IT DID!Now, I just wish that she would get over her reservations towards playing with similar/compatible couples.I've shown her correspondence from couples/single males on Swing Lifestyle and other sites,that want to meet us,but despite my encouragement/reassurances,she continues to be fearful of the "unknown".At times,she has agreed to hook-up,but the meeting and possible sex has to be spontaneous!At other times she has insisted that she'd have to be a bit tipsy,but not drunk.I don't like either of those scenarios,I prefer that we meet 2-3 times over drinks,and have a mutual intellectual/physical attraction before any sex play.Can ANYONE give me their advice and wisdom on how I can get her to get over these jitters/fears?

[SecretAsianMan]

Welcome!! ...it's alright to have fears & apprehensions, we all have them.

I'll have to share my story of my first experience at a swinger-party one of these days ... most are surprised that I stuck around. (*laughing*)

Well, we're still here and appreciate the great advice. Fast forward from our original post, we have met quite a few more couples, but unfortunately, nothing yet, a few have tripped our trigger, but mis-represented themselves, (telling us they're married-they're not, no kissing rule, etc...); hard to find people who are honest. We also found that there are more lurkers on Swing Lifestyle and more success on C/L, but have to really work to weed the freaks out. Willyoats probably has the best advice to go to a meet and greet at an off-premise club or still looking for a social at a bar/lounge, (almost impossible); where everyone can be comfortable with no pressure and let the attraction take over. That's huge for us. But in the meantime, the openess and honesty between ourselves has improved and continues ten-fold!

[socolais]

Finding that first good connection is a big obstacle. The little voice says, be picky ya only get one "first". There are a lot of posts on the board about folks being unsatisfied with the productivity of the typical interview process over dinner or drinks. It took us several interviews just to figure out the details of what we were looking for and what to avoid.

Out in the business world, folks like job fairs. They are easy win-win scenarios at many levels. In the world of successful swingers (however one might define successful) private house parties are a good analogy. I've seen the continuum of parties here in the DFW area and I have a strong suspicion there's a similar spectrum of parties in the LA area.

I wonder what shows up on your opportunity radar that matches a recurring, comfortable neighborhood weekend party that the host would describe as beginner friendly. We stumbled upon them early in our search for playmates and found them an outstanding way for us to get involved. Folks respect each other because a friendly relationship develops over months of occasional contact.

I'm interested in your observations and opinions about house parties in your area.

[quietlykinky]

Originally Posted by tittietwister

Regarding the couples contact you mentioned, in hindsight, we think focusing too much at first on couples contacts through meeting web sites is a mistake. Email and chat are simply inferior methods of communications. Profiles written years ago don't reflect current values, preferences or even ages. At this stage you need the most bandwith you can get in your communications with others.

I think our biggest irritation has been with couples that want to email and chat endlessly but can never seem to pull a meeting together. We live in a relatively small and very conservative town so meet and greets are extremely rare. If there is one a year it's a busy year for the swinging community. So the internet seems to be the only way to find others here.
That being said, I agree that too many people rely way too heavily on it as a means of communication. For us, email is for exchanging one or two messages to see if we're interested in the same things, maybe over the course of a week or so, and then actually meet face to face.
We have only met a handful of couples in the last two years, but talked with LOTS online. We've also had much better luck on craigslist than Swing Lifestyle or AFF but that isn't saying much. We deleted our AFF profile entirely because it seems to be about 90% lookie-loos and picture collectors. We reactivated our Swing Lifestyle account simply because there are so few people from this area there. No one else is going to join if they get on and only find 10 couples from around here. So adding our profile to the pool can only help. Really, we just need to move lol.
But back to the point, face to face is really the better way to go if there are meet and greets going on in your area.
Regarding liars and overly aggressive people, that's just something we've learned to deal with. Unfortunately it's part of the game.