jumping in head first

I came on here one time about a year ago maybe a little less and posted anonymously, and I never came back. I know in general swinging is not just about sexual things, but in some cases it can be. And I knwo there may not be anyone able to help but this is the only place I can think of to go! Here's some background. My boyfriend of 4 years brought up the whole open relationship thing about 1.5 years ago. We've talked baout it but I told him that if he ever found someone he wanted to be with that we could discuss it again. the topic had never come up seriously since then. Well he jsut met this girl that is willing to do this. I am not willing to be a part of it because of her age, it's not illegal or anything just too young for me. he has told me that it will all be purely sexual he has told her that(I think that she is too young) He has supposedly made clear to her that it is just about sex. And has told me that I am also allowed to have sex with other people. There are other rules specifically pretaining to us that aren't important to my quesiton also. but he is ot to ever insinuate that they are in a relationship, or let her think that this is about love at all. I am the person that he loves in a way that is toatlly different from anyone else. But I'm not quite sure I'm ready to deal with this. He said I can either deal with it or get out of the relationship but that he really doesn't want to lose me he said that I am allowed to participate in anything and that I could watch if I wanted but i don't really want to...so yeah any advice from anyone?

[sexcupid]

The biggest red flag for me in your post (and probably to others here as well) is basically the ultimatum of deal with what he wants or leave the relationship. Whether he loves you more or in a way he doesn't love anyone else is irrelevant to the fact that you have let him know you are not comfortable with his proposition...any person who is willing to give up their relationship for some young piece of ass isn't the kind of person I would want to be in a relationship with.

You don't state your ages or the potential playmate's age...but if something makes you uncomfortable first of all you should be able to express that (so should he). On the flip side, when raising an objection how does he act? I mean, you haven't posted a huge amount of detail...but if he reacts like a petulant teenager whose mommy is putting a damper on their good time...that's just not the adult way to handle things.

Please register! Welcome to the board. There is some very good info here, hope you stick around!

[LFM2]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

I came on here one time about a year ago maybe a little less and posted anonymously, and I never came back.

Welcome back!! We'd love it if you registered!! There is so much great information here!!

I'm going to have to break up your large paragraph into smaller ones so I can understand your dilemma a little bit better.

I know in general swinging is not just about sexual things, but in some cases it can be. And I knwo there may not be anyone able to help but this is the only place I can think of to go! Here's some background. My boyfriend of 4 years brought up the whole open relationship thing about 1.5 years ago. We've talked baout it but I told him that if he ever found someone he wanted to be with that we could discuss it again. the topic had never come up seriously since then.

OK... I'm following so far.

Well he jsut met this girl that is willing to do this. I am not willing to be a part of it because of her age, it's not illegal or anything just too young for me. he has told me that it will all be purely sexual he has told her that(I think that she is too young) He has supposedly made clear to her that it is just about sex. And has told me that I am also allowed to have sex with other people.

Ok.. still following you. He's met a girl and wants a threesome with her. Purely sexual, no emotion. He told her that you think she's too young. You don't say how old you two are or how old this other woman is, and sometimes it helps to know that kind of stuff. He actually sounds very immature like a petulant child.

There are other rules specifically pretaining to us that aren't important to my quesiton also. but he is ot to ever insinuate that they are in a relationship, or let her think that this is about love at all. I am the person that he loves in a way that is toatlly different from anyone else.

This is where I get confused. I'm not sure who is and isn't in the relationship. From what I'm reading from you, you and him are in the relationship and she is just the outsider who is ready for a threesome with you two but you think she's too young, right?

But I'm not quite sure I'm ready to deal with this. He said I can either deal with it or get out of the relationship but that he really doesn't want to lose me he said that I am allowed to participate in anything and that I could watch if I wanted but i don't really want to...so yeah any advice from anyone?

OK... Here is the GIANT red flag!! You're not comfortable with the whole situation and he's telling you to just leave then, right? He doesn't want to lose you but he wants this threesome pretty bad -- do I have that right? Well, if what I'm reading is correct and he's telling you to hit the bricks if you don't want to do this -- he's not loving you or is he respecting your feelings in this. He's not willing to go at your speed, either which is a hallmark of swingers. We don't do anything that would make our spouses/partners/significant others uncomfortable. It sounds like he's giving you an ultimatum and you're either going to do it or pack your bags.

No guy is worth that in my opinion. If those are his rules, you'd be better off without him. It would make me wonder what else he'd have you do under duress with the threat of having to pack your bags.

This guy wants what he wants no matter what you want, right? I'd kick him to the curb and let him have his little fling. No man who supposedly loves and respects his girlfriend would expect her to do this.

Just my humble opinion, but I'd be packing.

[VegasLee]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

He said I can either deal with it or get out of the relationship

Hope you really come back and read this time.

Time to pack your bags and hit the road. If he is so into wanting the young stuff that he is telling you to deal with it or leave, make the right choice and leave him to the young stuff.

If he is going to do this just over some sex what is he going to do in the future.

I am normally one to tell people to work things out but there are way to many things in your post that says you are nothing but a convenience to him and it is time for you to find the life you deserve.

[2insandiego4u]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

He said I can either deal with it or get out of the relationship but that he really doesn't want to lose me...

This guy is bullying you, plain and simple. Your choices are a reflection of who you are... Choose wisely. You can be this dude's victim or move along and find someone who loves you for who you are and has your best interest at heart, always.

[ready_to_learn]

I'm the originial poster, I have registered, hopefully I will be able to remember my name on here and whatnot.

We established things like she is to never htink that she is in a relaitonship with him. And he's not trying to force me into a threesome, it was just an option to make me feel better. And I think that I was a lottle harsh in saying I could accept it or getout. I know that's what I said, but it's not exactly true. what he really meant was that this is something I can learn to accept or that maybe we aren't meant to be together. he really wants to be with me and we were together a lot of today and he was treating me better than he has in a really long time. My biggest issue is trusting him, and not because he's ever doen anything in the past that would lose my trust, but that other relationships I've been in were not trustworthy, and not even as far as sexual things goes just no trust in general. Ages don't really matter in thae situation other than I feel she is too young for me to be with. He is a few years younger than I amand she's a few eyars younger than him. And we're relatively young to be getting into this kind of community.

and yes it is just the two of us in the relationship...this other girl is completely third party. I am actually a lot more ok with all of this now than I was before. There are 3 people he has said he trusts for us to talk about htis with in our lives. and I've talked to two of them. both of them have said they don't really understand and one is prepared to beat the ever living crap out of him if he hurts me. so yeah...he has promised to try harder in our relationship. And I do need to give him some space outside of even the sexual exploits that he wants. Jus tin general in life. I dont have a lot of friends outside him. I have a few sadly a lot of them don't live here. So it's hard. My biggest problem is feeling that he is going to abandon me for her. He swears he will never do that. he ahs told me that he has no intention of starting any relationship with anyone else. And that I was allowed to tell a few peopel ifi wanted to go out to local clubs or parties or anything to meet people for myself or for both of us. and I'm kind of open to that. He has some situations and so do I that it's not really approproate for this to get out,a nd I really trust the people who have been told.

But as i said it's not that he doesn't love me or doesn't want to marrying me, and we've even discussed this being a temporary thing, because of extemporary circumstances.

oh and she has also been told that I come first and foremost above everyone else in his life. ie if they were planning to do something and I was in an accident or something just bad happened in my life he woudl come help me and leave her. and I think it is only fair that she know that.

the big problem here is my excess of jealousy and lack of trust and I relaly should be able to trust him. We've been discussing this for 1.5 years and it'snot my fault that he found someone before me and someone that I didn't want to be with. We never said only threesomes. I think before today as a whole there just wasn't enough communication between the two of us. It's not good and we need to work on that some more.

any other details people htink are necessary just ask, I may not give them but you are free to ask.

[ready_to_learn]

oh and also as far as being bullied in a relationship this is nothing compared to relationships I've had in the past.

I dated a guy who cheated on me multiple times told me he'd quit drinking and smoking, and doing drugs(all things i didn't like at the time I'm still against smoking and drugs...at elast for anyone i'm going to be with) It was not a good situation. the guy i'm with now got me away from that. he's never done ANYTHING that I've ever asked him not to, and he really is going out of his way to try and make me comfortable with this. He has told me that if it would make me feel better we could "take a break" while he does his experimentation but that he'd really ilke to sitll be with me and would relaly like me to be a part of it, and is still totally open to the option of finding another female to participate.

[ready_to_learn]

hopefully it will post all my replies soon...I'm tired and it is late I just hope to hear back on what people here think...

[ready_to_learn]

I said a lot in the previous two posts(I am the original poster)

if they are not here by morning i will restate it all...but if they are then that's that I'm too tired to repost all the information I processed

[fun4Ds]

Welcome to the Swingers Board ready_to_learn

Maybe we can help, we all have questions about how you feel. I think thats pretty important..... How you feel about all of this and especially how you feel about your relationship.

How did you come about meeting these other women/playmates of his ?

[Dynamar]

Originally Posted by ready_to_learn

My boyfriend of 4 years brought up the whole open relationship thing about 1.5 years ago. We've talked baout it but I told him that if he ever found someone he wanted to be with that we could discuss it again. the topic had never come up seriously since then. Well he jsut met this girl that is willing to do this.

Originally Posted by LFM2

Ok.. still following you. He's met a girl and wants a threesome with her.

I could be wrong, but I think you're assuming that he wants a 3some, LFM. The OP talks about an open relationship, and the male half has "found someone he wanted to be with" and she is willing.

Sounds like to me, this guy just wants multiple but separate partners and isn't necessarily wanting ready_to_learn to participate. Honey, this guy is being a jerk and isn't thinking about your wants or feelings, nor the health of your relationship. I don't see this ending well, but I do see it ending.

[ready_to_learn]

he's willing to have a threesome but i am not(with this particular girl) therefore he was giong to have her by himself.

But there's a whole new kink in this chain...

his best friend is figuring it out and his friend is really not cool with all this. And was kind of going after her himself for an actual realationship. I wish I could show him all of your concern and let someone else knock him over the head and say THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

I todl him tha tI am now actively trying to find someone else...

[sexcupid]

Thanks for registering!

Just because his actions aren't as bad as some previous relationships still doesn't justify his actions.

Yes, it's alot easier saying that from the outside looking in...but sometimes it needs to be said.

Of course he may be on some superb behavior with you, possibly in part to get what he wants. I'm not trying to be ugly with that statement...because I think on some level we all try to sweeten the pot if there's something we really want.

If he's really interested in doing this...why not just stick with only couples to swap with for the time being? Perhaps if you are both involved it would help ease your trust/jealousy issues. Also, what helps with us is the notion of veto power. If one of us isn't comfortable with a playmate/couple then either one of us has the right/ability to put the brakes on the activity for that evening.

To keep the relationship intact, you both have to find common ground. Not basically looking for your girlfriend to give you permission to go fuck any partner you find willing and in retaliation you are now actively looking for someone to play with because he's found someone. Eventually there will be resentment and other issues to come to bear.

Have you met the other girl? Sometimes that can alleviate some of the jealously and nervousness issues. Because you know an overactive imagination will do you in. lol But seriously, if you meet her then you can reiterate the 'ground rules' and know for sure that she has been informed. Plus it makes you seem more involved and aware, not some poor little victim whose bf is stepping out on her.

Good luck!

[ready_to_learn]

I think me informing her might be a good idea...and yes I ahve met her and she and I haven't discussed the situation at all

as for right now I think he needs to talk to his friend, and he needs to stay away from being alone with her

[ready_to_learn]

Some poeple are going to be talked to today. His best friend wants to talk to both o fus separately today...but I don't htink his friend ahs contacted him yet. I have already started looking for couples or single females through SLS...because that's what i'm interested in...and doing this together. I really think that's where we need to head.

also I am amazed by the number of young people on SLS