jumping in head first

[2insandiego4u]

Originally Posted by ready_to_learn

oh and also as far as being bullied in a relationship this is nothing compared to relationships I've had in the past.

I dated a guy who cheated on me multiple times told me he'd quit drinking and smoking, and doing drugs(all things i didn't like at the time I'm still against smoking and drugs...at elast for anyone i'm going to be with) It was not a good situation. the guy i'm with now got me away from that. he's never done ANYTHING that I've ever asked him not to, and he really is going out of his way to try and make me comfortable with this. He has told me that if it would make me feel better we could "take a break" while he does his experimentation but that he'd really ilke to sitll be with me and would relaly like me to be a part of it, and is still totally open to the option of finding another female to participate.

He is giving you an ultimatum and does not seem to be willing to compromise - his way or the highway, with or without you involved. This does not sound like a healthy relationship to us, and you sound like you might be in denial about it.

[ready_to_learn]

I can't really express this in a way that everyone seems to understand so it's not necessarily his way or the highway. I'm aware that is what i originally made it sound like. A person that he trusts has almost sort of figured out what's going ona nd wants to talk with us separately. He is a great friend and I'm very glad that we have him here and that my boyfriend is willing to talk to him.

he is willing to help me look on SLS for couples or women that we could start out with. And i'm very excited to see the number of people I've foudn in our area.

[ready_to_learn]

I am very reatful for all of your input. I really want to see how this pans out before I makeany definite decisions. he really needs to take astep back and I think that we are on the right path for that we'll see how the conversations go today and then we'll go from there. I really don't want to lose him. and he doesn't want to lose me. we just need to figure out how to make this work.

[2insandiego4u]

Originally Posted by ready_to_learn

he is willing to help me look on SLS for couples or women that we could start out with. And i'm very excited to see the number of people I've foudn in our area.

Before it sounded like this was something you did not want to do or be involved with, it was something only he wanted. Have you changed your mind or are you just trying very hard to hang on to your guy?

[olycouple]

Originally Posted by ready_to_learn

he's willing to have a threesome but i am not(with this particular girl) therefore he was giong to have her by himself.

But there's a whole new kink in this chain...

his best friend is figuring it out and his friend is really not cool with all this. And was kind of going after her himself for an actual realationship. I wish I could show him all of your concern and let someone else knock him over the head and say THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

I todl him tha tI am now actively trying to find someone else...

I couldn't say it loud enough...get the hell outta this thing! Any guy who gives you an ultimatum is bad news. He's gonna cheat later if you say no to this now. Or, he's just gonna leave you. What an ass. From what I've learned on my short road into this lifestyle...swinging is about sharing and pleasing...not about threatening. It's a way to get closer. What he's suggesting is cheating, plain and simple. It's not about you, it's about his childish needs. Find a better man, there are a lot of them out there! Don't even try to talk about it with him or try to "make him understand". From what I can tell, he probably isn't capable or willing. Maybe you should give him an ultimatum. It's you (and only you)...or the highway! Better yet...it's just the highway.

[K&JIntimates]

I don't want to sound judgmental or harsh but I see several things in your posts that worry me.

1.) It sounds as if you've been through a string of bad relationships, going right from one to another without taking any time between to get your own life together. When all you've had is bad relationships it hard to really see it when you're just trading up for a lesser kind of evil.

2.) Your BF (from what I gather from all your posts) is going to have a fling with this other woman knowing that you don't feel comfortable with it. He's done everything he can to try to convince you why he should be allowed to do this with your approval, tried to 'balance' the playing field by giving you permission to do the same.

3.) He's told you that you can either accept that he wants an open relationship or you two can go your separate ways (anyway you want to word it, it means the same thing). "Taking a break" really means, "I get to fuck whomever I want knowing it will be forgiven when this break is over". My guess is that he knows you desperately want this relationship to work and are willing to compromise yourself in order to do so. He might love you, or he might just love you right now.

4.) You have poor communication. All good relationships have good communication. If you can't talk to each other in a constructive way than your relationship will not last a lifetime.

5.) You have trust issues. If my guess is right these stem from previous experience and maybe one or two times with your current BF. Trust is a delicate flower, easy to crush. It takes nurturing, it doesn't sound as if he's nurtured the trust in your relationship.

Let me ask you...

Do you feel like you need him financially, or emotionally, or mentally?
In your past have the men in your life told you or made you feel like you couldn't survive on your own without them?
Does he make mention that he helped you out of your last relationship?
Does he go through periods where he treats you badly then makes up for it with a 'gesture of love'?

If you can answer yes to any of these you might want to consider getting out of this relationship cycle. You have a self worth and it isn't dependent on whatever man is in your life. You should not have to just accept, or resign yourself to his wants. You're looking on SLS and considering couples or other females...but is that something you really want? By want I mean, it sets your heart aflame with desire, it will fulfill a fantasy for you?

Anyone on this board can tell you the way love is supposed to be. From your posts what you have is the illusion of love. When you love someone you accept that they aren't ready for something and you put it aside until they are ready (if ever). If they never are you accept their decision and love them anyway. Respect, trust, and love go hand in hand. If there isn't one then there isn't the others.

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by ready_to_learn

he's willing to have a threesome but i am not(with this particular girl) therefore he was giong to have her by himself.

But there's a whole new kink in this chain...

his best friend is figuring it out and his friend is really not cool with all this. And was kind of going after her himself for an actual realationship. I wish I could show him all of your concern and let someone else knock him over the head and say THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

I todl him tha tI am now actively trying to find someone else...

We could support your side of the situation...... You can at least think about things and posssibly understand what swinging is... I think you get it.

Your partner however needs to learn a few things.... Like what it will be like, if your not around any more while he is in his open relationship.

I cant see it any other way..... He is stepping on you, and others, to get what he wants.

This is not a good idea I don't know if its even swinging !

[LFM2]

ready_to_learn. I'm glad you decided to register.

Originally Posted by Dynamar

LFM, I could be wrong, but I think you're assuming that he wants a 3some. The OP talks about an open relationship, and the male half has "found someone he wanted to be with" and she is willing.

Thanks for the clarification Dynamar, you were right.

Originally Posted by ready_to_learn

he's willing to have a threesome but i am not(with this particular girl) therefore he was giong to have her by himself.

Wow..

Originally Posted by ready_to_learn

oh and also as far as being bullied in a relationship this is nothing compared to relationships I've had in the past.

He might be better, but this still doesn't excuse his behavior.

Originally Posted by ready_to_learn

But there's a whole new kink in this chain...

his best friend is figuring it out and his friend is really not cool with all this. And was kind of going after her himself for an actual realationship. I wish I could show him all of your concern and let someone else knock him over the head and say THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

I todl him tha tI am now actively trying to find someone else...

Good luck in your search, however, I think there is much needed work to be done in your own relationship before you find a third or couple. I'm still not seeing the love or respect you deserve from him.

[JustAskJulie]

If he's having a relationship with this girl, there is a relationship whether it's just sexual or not. Unless you are there for 100% of their interractions you will have no idea what is going on between them and you have NO control over what may happen between them. Just because he tells her that it is JUST sex will not keep her from wanting more or perhaps developing feelings of her own.

Originally Posted by ready_to_learn

his best friend is figuring it out and his friend is really not cool with all this. And was kind of going after her himself for an actual realationship. I wish I could show him all of your concern and let someone else knock him over the head and say THIS IS NOT A GOOD IDEA!

Good. Show him this thread and let him read it, and have his friend talk to him. If you are going to do this, do it together or not at all. What you originally posted sounded more like his desire matters more than anything else (including you). If you can't do this as a couple with both of you being happy, don't do it.

Originally Posted by ready_to_learn

oh and also as far as being bullied in a relationship this is nothing compared to relationships I've had in the past.

I dated a guy who cheated on me multiple times told me he'd quit drinking and smoking, and doing drugs(all things i didn't like at the time I'm still against smoking and drugs...at elast for anyone i'm going to be with) It was not a good situation. the guy i'm with now got me away from that. he's never done ANYTHING that I've ever asked him not to, and he really is going out of his way to try and make me comfortable with this. He has told me that if it would make me feel better we could "take a break" while he does his experimentation but that he'd really ilke to sitll be with me and would relaly like me to be a part of it, and is still totally open to the option of finding another female to participate.

This really concerns me. What I see here is a guy who wants what he wants without regard to the woman in his life. He's willing to "take a break" while he pursues his desires? WTF!? In the end, he's giving you an ulimatum whether you want to see it or not. He's telling you that he's going to do what he wants to do one way or another and you are trying to justify his actions by comparing them to WORSE boyfriends!? You (as a woman) deserve better, not just better than the last.

[tittietwister]

I think it's great everyone is trying to kind and helpful here but honestly, this question isn't about swinging. The guy is just a jerk. I've so many like him and so many girls are willing to rationalize it in a vain attempt to hang on. Best to leave him and move on.

[fun4Ds]

ready_to_learn, we have to ask.

What would you consider to be a good outcome for you, in all of this ?