Sex life is dwindling; could swinging liven things up?

[ShadyOne13]

Sorry in advance if this is the wrong place for this post. I have been lurking for a bit and basically wanted to ask for some advice on a situation. Well to start I have been with the same lady now for 7 years, we are not married but I love her more than anything regardless. We have known each other and dated off and on since we were 12, but 7 years we have been serious.
Well about a year ago I went to another state to work and we had plans to move there after I got the feel for the job, area ect. Long story short while I was gone she cheated with another man. We eventually worked through it and are back together. Well now it has been about a year and our sex life is dwindling once again as it was prior to me leaving for the new job. I really do not understand as I make sure she is.... well "pleased" before we ever finish. She loves me tons and treats me better than I could ever ask, but somthing has to give with the love life.
I have been with nobody else since we have been together and I kinda felt jipped. I honestly care less if she sleeps with somone as long as I know in advance. I love her to death but fact is, if your love life is not up to par eventually someone will most likely do somthing...
Basically my question is am I wrong to think swinging might be a
way for us to liven things up. I know there are no perfect answers to this but opinions are all I am after.

[jjtrindc]

While I can't relate directly, I've seen one piece of advice over and over again -- swinging can enhance an already strong bond, but it can't fix issues in your relationship. If your significant other and you are having a less the stellar sex life, then you need to talk with her about it, figure out why that is, and then fix it. Those conversations can be awkward and painful but ultimately if you have a good relationship then totally worth it. Who knows, she may want to get counseling, either by herself or as a couple. Sometimes it just helps to talk to a neutral third party. Getting into the lifestyle can be an emotional rollercoaster and unless you have ultimate trust and respect for each other you'll only find yourself worse off than before. If you are simply in a rut, swinging may be an option. But make sure that is the issue...and then talk talk talk before jumping into things. Good luck.

[two42lovers]

It's hard to say.

On one hand, swinging isn't going to fix things that need fixing. As a lot of people will tell you, if your relationship is in trouble, swinging might hasten the crash. On the other hand, most couples will tell you they came to swinging to spice things up sexually. A solid, well established couple with good communication can get a lot of benefits from swinging.

Bottom line: talk to her. Talk about everything - your fantasies, turn ons, desires, wants, needs. How do you feel about her having sex with others? Have you told her? Talk and talk and talk some more.

[ShadyOne13]

Well as far as the relationship portion of things it is solid. Besides her one faulter we have never had an issue. We never fight....which is very rare in relationships. We have been through tons together. She loves me, I know this and I love her very much. But I do understand your points and will think things through some more. I do not care if she sleeps with somone else as long as I am aware... actually it is kind of a turn on for me. I have never said a word to her about swinging. Although I am fairly open, I tell her if I think somone is hot or has a nice "add part here" always have. We were actually camping once with a couple , drinking ect. and things almost seemed to happen then but she and the other male did not click very well...but since then I have had wheels turning

[slevin]

You say that you always make sure that she is "pleased", but that your sex life is declining after the initial burst in activity following her being caught cheating. Are you two open and talking about your fantasies, your sexual desires? Are you exploring and trying new things together (not just swinging)? Outside of your sex life are things drifting into a routine? Are you both doing fun things that you both enjoy? Hobbies, trying new activities together? Do you spend time apart each week? Time out with your friends, her out with her friends, time to yourself etc.

Having an exciting and fun life is an important base for a relationship in my experience. It also tends to lead to an exciting sex life. Don't mean to suggest you need to be base jumping or climbing mount everest or something, just doing things that you enjoy (or you both enjoy). Not falling into the routine of taking care of the house, the kids, watching TV etc.

Are you both exercising? Eating well? That has a big impact on energy and sex drive as well.

I don't have enough experience to really comment too much on whether getting involved in swinging is a good way to try and ignite that sexual spark in your sex life. When our relationship had those problems I did a lot of things to break up our routine, to drag us out of our funk and start having fun again. At the same time we started to talk more openly about our fantasies, started to explore more in our sex life. All of that before we considered swinging at all.

[2insandiego4u]

Originally Posted by jjtrindc

While I can't relate directly, I've seen one piece of advice over and over again -- swinging can enhance an already strong bond, but it can't fix issues in your relationship. If your significant other and you are having a less the stellar sex life, then you need to talk with her about it, figure out why that is, and then fix it. Those conversations can be awkward and painful but ultimately if you have a good relationship then totally worth it. Who knows, she may want to get counseling, either by herself or as a couple. Sometimes it just helps to talk to a neutral third party. Getting into the lifestyle can be an emotional rollercoaster and unless you have ultimate trust and respect for each other you'll only find yourself worse off than before. If you are simply in a rut, swinging may be an option. But make sure that is the issue...and then talk talk talk before jumping into things. Good luck.

We agree with the above. The couples counseling might be a very good idea before you consider bringing up the lifestyle stuff. There might be some issues with her that you are not aware of. Make sure that the relationship is solid before you delve into the lifestyle. You might be surprised at what might be revealed, but you owe it to yourself and her to find out.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by ShadyOne13

We never fight....which is very rare in relationships. Although I am fairly open, I tell her if I think somone is hot or has a nice "add part here" always have.

These two things stuck out to me in your second post.

Honestly...not ever fighting really isn't that healthy. Seriously. Now, when you say that I don't know if you mean that you aren't regularly having knock down drag out fights...or if you mean that you absolutely have no agurments/disagreements. Now, the first really isn't all that healthy at all...but if there are no disagreements at all then someone is bottling something up to keep the peace.

How does she react to your comments about other women? Did she state why she cheated? Don't buy into the myth that women cheat for emotions and men just cheat for sex. If for some reason she wasn't feeling attractive to you, someone else made her feel attractive by propositioning her and them having sex. I am not saying it's right what she did, because we don't condone cheating.

Broach the topic with her, have her read messages here on the SB, have her post if she is comfortable with it. Do keep in mind that swinging isn't for everyone and she may not want to do it. Good luck!

[funcpl4life]

Fix your relationship first. There are a couple of sites that you might try. My marriage has been from swinging to sex-starved and back to swinging. Swinging didn't cause or fix the problems: I did.

"Divorcebusting" is a good marriage/relationship site as is "No more Mr. Nice Guy". Try both forums.

Mr FC4L

[JustAskJulie]

If you can't discuss why your sex life is dwindling then you don't have good communication... if you can't even really discuss that issue then I don't see you being able to really discuss swinging.

I also have to agree with the above comment that a couple who NEVER fights isn't in that great of shape. Most counselors will agree with that as well, it tends to be a sign of poor communication. And as others have already said, swinging won't FIX anything, it will only amplify your existing relationship (problems and all).

Talk to her and find out why your sex life is dwindling. It could well be that she's just bored and once you talk it out and work on it you may both find that trying new things (whether swinging or not) may be just the answer you need. But, until you can really talk things out you'll never know.

[gnb4u]

Someone else on this board used this analogy first so I can't take credit but I think it is very fitting. Swinging is like a wind and your relationship is like a fire. If the fire is burning bright and strong and is well established the wind will make it burn hotter and more intensely. BUT if the fire is not strong or well established the wind will blow it out in an instant.

I do not believe your fire is burning strong and that swinging will doom it.

You have been together for 7 years and claim love but have not made an actual moral and legal committment. When you were gone she found comfort in the arms of another. Now that you have reconciled you are unsatisfied with your love life. These are not the foundations with which to consider a swinging relationship.

The two of you need to shit or get off the pot and either work out your issues and move forward as a committed couple or you need to throw in the towell and move on.

[WeMayTryIt]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

I also have to agree with the above comment that a couple who NEVER fights isn't in that great of shape. Most counselors will agree with that as well, it tends to be a sign of poor communication.

Couldn't agree more. When we first started talking about swinging, we had a LOT of deeply emotional discussions. You could even call them fights. For the first time, we were REALLY communicating from the heart, holding nothing back and being completely transparent. Rather than closing up and not dealing with things (the standard modus operandi for many years), we kept talking, and we always came out the other end closer than we were before. When you completely open yourself up to someone and talk about all your fantasies, desires and fears, it can cause a lot of friction. You'll find out where your relationship truly stands by doing so.