I think swinging makes a lot of sense

[hungry4luv]

Greetings to the lifestyle community!

I'm a 28yo professional guy from the SF Bay Area in a stable relationship, and I've learned about swinging from an article called Today's Alternative Marriage Styles: The Case of Swingers.

There's a quote in particular that I think sums it all up greatly:

If swingers have found a way to stabilize relationships, prolong family ties, and enrich the lives of couples we would be remiss if we did not take their lifestyle and their redefinition of monogamous love seriously.

Looking at the divorce rate and cheating rate, and realizing that we're all humans and have desires, swinging just makes rational sense when you think about it - honest, open sexual fulfillment and fun.

Anyway, I won't preach to the choir here, just wanted to introduce myself.

As you might sense from the tone of my post, I'm not thrilled about my girlfriend's opinion about it, but I hope that she'll think about it. However, the FAQ says that if your partner isn't really into it, then stop talking about it, so that makes me less optimistic. We haven't really talked about it, but I mentioned the idea that maybe in a few years when we'll have had the same sex for quite a while, it would be enhancing for our sexual life if we explored other possibilities. She said the idea scared her.

I don't know if I should bring up the subject again, or settle?

Thanks,
H

[bryanlee]

Welcome to the forum!

I, along with pretty much everyone here, will agree that swinging makes sense. The open dialogue and communication aspects alone have done great things for my relationship and I look forward to many more "perks" to come.

What exactly is your girlfriends opinion on swinging? I would most definitely not push it on her, but there is nothing wrong with openly expressing your thoughts and desires. Maybe you can get her to come to the forum and do some reading so that she can try to understand your desires and why you feel the way you do.

Just keep the lines of communication open and honest and you might be surprised where they take you.

Good luck in everything!

Bryan

[JustAskJulie]

It's important to remember that before you can have a really open dialogue about swinging you have to be able to have an open dialogue about everything else... especially everything sexual.

At this point you guys aren't even married yet (I don't know if you intend to be). You guys may have decided together that that is not something you want to do and that is ok.

However, If she hopes that there is a possibility of marriage down the road she may see you bringing up swinging now as a sign that you really aren't happy with her or that you are already bored with her... and if that's the case then the possibility of marriage is not likely to be there. If marriage is in the cards, I would suggest you work towards that before you worry about trying to add swinging into the mix. Make sure your relationship is 100% well-grounded before you try to bring other people in. Otherwise, she has every reason to be scared.

[2insandiego4u]

Our view is that swinging makes sense for us, but not necessarily for everyone. We have been together for over 20 years, never cheated (although we both had the chance), and are only a few months into the lifestyle. We're very open with each other, we know each other's fantasies and communicate absolutely everything. Even with all of this going for us, we were still not sure if swinging would be for us until we actually did it. We were not sure of the exact emotions that we would feel, we had an idea but there was always some doubt. We agreed that this was an experiment and if either one of us did not feel comfortable, then it would stop. So far, it has not stopped! You'll read this over and over here: this lifestyle won't save your marriage if it's in trouble. It won't make you a better spouse. It won't change you into being a better person than you are now. The best advice we can give is that if both of you are interested and curious, set some rules and give it a shot! Just don't assume that you will both like it, one or both you may not.

[sexcupid]

Welcome to the board!

You don't mention how long you have been together with your girlfriend.

You've presented the idea to her. If she's interested, she will eventually bring the topic back to you. What the FAQs are probably trying to convey is not to pester a partner about the topic. Sometimes people (male or female) don't get the hint that the other partner doesn't want to deal or talk about a subject so they brush the topic aside with a 'we'll talk about it another time'...this gives one partner hope and they may have the tendency (particuarly for such an exciting topic) to turn into a 6 year old going to Disney for the first time (are we there yet? no... are we there yet? no... are we there yet? NOOOOOO ).

I honestly hope you were paraphrasing when you said: but I mentioned the idea that maybe in a few years when we'll have had the same sex for quite a while, it would be enhancing for our sexual life if we explored other possibilities. Because with that you are insinuating that you anticipate the sex/relationship to become so ho-hum that you want to look else where to get your kicks. I mean on one hand...it's wow...he still wants me to be around in a few years, so that's a good thing. OTOH, he thinks that everything will be just so-so...and that's just insulting.

You've presented the idea to her. If she's interested, she will eventually bring the topic back to you. What the FAQs are probably trying to convey is not to pester a partner about the topic. Sometimes people (male or female) don't get the hint that the other partner doesn't want to deal or talk about a subject so they brush the topic aside with a 'we'll talk about it another time'...this gives one partner hope and they may have the tendency (particuarly for such an exciting topic) to turn into a 6 year old going to Disney for the first time (are we there yet? no... are we there yet? no... are we there yet? NOOOOOO ).

On the positive side, she gave you a reason why...not just totally shutting you down. That was an opening she gave you...did you take it and ask what she was so scared of? Sure the idea is scary...is he going to leave me? Will he like the way someone else does xyz more than when I do xyz? Why is he mentioning this? Am I not enough? Those could be some of her concerns and/or many more.

Good luck!

[sweet_tna]

Swinging absolutely makes sense--for Mr. Sweet and me. Does it make sense for anyone else? Well, on a thoroughly academic point, perhaps. But humans being the fascinatingly complicated creatures that we are, we don't always make sense. Everyone is different, and what works for Mr. Sweet and me may not work for anyone else.

That said, should you and your girlfriend swing? That's a question only you and she can answer. And it sounds like her answer is, "not now." The reason you see that bit in the FAQ about not pushing your partner is simple. No one likes to feel pressured to do anything. Let's say your girlfriend wanted to take ballroom dancing lessons.

Scenario 1: While you might actually be interested, it's not the kind of thing you want your friends to know about. And you might even think you've got two left feet, so the whole idea makes you nervous. So you tell her you'll think about it, and hope you'll feel more confident about it someday, and/or have more information.

Scenario 2: Are you kidding? No way are you interested in prancing around on the floor, no matter how badly your girlfriend wants to do it. But you don't want to hurt her or have her nag you about it, so you tell her you'll think about it--hoping desperately she'll forget about it/give up.

If the first scenario is the case, then you should share this site with your girlfriend. Let her know that this is just something you want to explore, and that you aren't bored with her and won't ever be (and I so hope this is true for both your sakes). And COMMUNICATE. Let her know how you feel, mushy love stuff and all. If she's willing, or at least interested, then keep talking.

In the second, there's really not much you can do but let it go.

=)

[hungry4luv]

Thanks everyone for their replies! I felt a lot of understanding, good food for thought, and being welcome.

My girlfriend is 23. She and I have been together for not long - 4 months, but we have extremely similar philosophies of life. As a random example, there's this book called "Do You Think What You Think You Think" with debate-provoking ethical questions that most 2 people will disagree about, but we agreed on the answer to every question. I think that makes a solid foundation for a relationship, and we've talked about marriage, but not for during the next year. We both agree it's best to get to know each other even better first.

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

If marriage is in the cards, I would suggest you work towards that before you worry about trying to add swinging into the mix. Make sure your relationship is 100% well-grounded before you try to bring other people in.

Agreed. I thought however, that it's honest to disclose my interest in the lifestyle beforehand, rather than surprise her up after I "caught" her in a marriage.

sweet_tna's comment about the ballroom dancing scenario was very interesting. My GF is more towards the brutally open side when it comes to sex (i.e. "Anal? Never even dream about it!"), so I think she was genuinely scared by the idea. I didn't ask, though, why. I thought I tested the waters enough by even mentioning the lifestyle as a possible future interest and didn't want to push my luck.

Originally Posted by sexcupid

Because with that you are insinuating that you anticipate the sex/relationship to become so ho-hum that you want to look else where to get your kicks.

That made me think too. I'd be interested in the lifestyle even if my GF were a crazed volcanic nympho, because, "different does not mean better". But I see how she could've interpreted that as anticipation of boredom.

Indeed, clear communication is key. I'll let it simmer for a while, then express more clearly how I feel.

Thanks all for the help!

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by hungry4luv

Agreed. I thought however, that it's honest to disclose my interest in the lifestyle beforehand, rather than surprise her up after I "caught" her in a marriage.

While there is a lot of truth to the idea of disclosing all of your desires and fantasies up front. You also have to think long and hard about how important this fantasy is to you. Is this something that you want so bad that if it never happens you would leave your partner over it? She's not interested now, if she decides 5 years down the road that she's still not interested and doesn't think she ever will be, will you be sitting there saying "but I told you I wanted to do this before we ever got married... you mislead me" (we've seen this happen before). Or, will you understand that some fantasies are best left as fantasies and that your relationship is more important than any fantasy?