He opened the door...

[RedHeaded]

Well, The reason I am here is mainly because my husband opened the door to swinging and I'm not sure how to take it.

We have been married for a few years and we were talking about our likes and dislikes as we try to learn more and more about each others desires and such, when he said that he has had a fantasy about me being with another man while he was there.
I'm not sure if he just wanted to watch or be active as we're still in the beginning stages of talking about it.
Anyway. he said he found this site and that it would probably be good for both of us to talk to people and see what is really out there.
So I made the account and we'll see what it's all about.

I've never really thought about anyone else but him since we've been together. He's been an amazing husband and lover. He's very supportive and has stood by me through thick and thin.
The only concern I have about this is more with his protective nature that is also a little possessive (as am I).
I found it odd considering that he was the one that mentioned swinging so it's put me in a unique position.
On the one hand there is that little bit of excitement and on the other there is the fear that it may backfire on our relationship.
I'm sure those fears are common. Anyone have any advice?

[Drknow]

I am probably not the one to talk here as I am only curious about the lifestyle myself. But having been a dilligent student for a few years I can say that you are going about this the right way. Information is the best way to go, learn as much as you can and determine if this is right for y'all. The key in this lifestlye is that one has to be able to separate sex and love and that is very foreign to our normal way of viewing things. My wife will probably never see this as a possibility, so we will probably never have the oppurtunity to swing. I have always been fascinated by swinging and found it very exciting. The couples who can swing and it adds to their lives rather than adding to the demise of their marriage are the ones who have good marriages to begin with and communicate well. If you are not there don't go any further. If you cannot see sex appart from love then it is not for you. If you think that you could one day see it as something you engage in like you would a game of mixed doubles tennis then this is for you. It seems to really enhance some marriages and excellerate the collapse of others. I say excellerate because I think those marriages all had serious problems to begin with. I am very envious of the swingers here, but the nearest I will ever most likely come to participating in it is chatting with others about it. My wife has moral hangups that would never allow her to go there, and I value our marriage more than my pleasure. If you think you might be able to enjoy this, then more power to you.

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by RedHeaded

...he said that he has had a fantasy about me being with another man while he was there.
I'm not sure if he just wanted to watch or be active as we're still in the beginning stages of talking about it.
Anyway. he said he found this site and that it would probably be good for both of us to talk to people and see what is really out there.
So I made the account and we'll see what it's all about.

The only concern I have about this is more with his protective nature that is also a little possessive (as am I).

Hi RedHeaded, welcome to the Board.

It's possible that for your husband, seeing you with another man is only a fantasy that he'll never want to make a reality. He is wise to consider swinging thoroughly before giving it a try. I'm glad to hear that he told you he's been doing research and found this Board and asked you to check it out. You can both learn a lot here.

Have you mentioned to him what you said above (in bold) about both of you being protective/possessive by nature? I think that needs to be discussed, especially since sharing you with another man is a big step. He is talking about another person being with the two of you - not some "thing" that can appear for your pleasure and then poof, he's gone. Personalities have to click, you have to like and trust each other and respect the other man's parameters as well. Human dynamics play a big role in swinging.

There is lots of great information on the Board and many people here to help you both with your questions. It's not unusual to feel excited about the possibility of swinging, and have concerns at the same time.

LM

[theflamekasters]

i would start by going to a club and just talking to othere cpls, and watching what is going on and how it all works. Then play at the club together, if it is on premisie, get comfortable with the situation of the club. Take every thing step by step. Meet a cpl for dinner, hang out, it will be a natural progression. if u have any fears, or reservations dont do it. One of the biggest things we asked other couples is what are your rules. Know your rules, what u are comfortable with before the first time u play. We didnt, big mistake!

The thing about this is you can move at your own pace, and if you try it once, and it isnt for you, you dont have to do it again!!!

Hope this helps

[fun4Ds]

Originally Posted by RedHeaded

Well, The reason I am here is mainly because my husband opened the door to swinging and I'm not sure how to take it.

Let me be the first to tell you, this lifestyle is to be taken seriously. There are many who live honestly, for a better understanding about our partners and ourselves as individuals. For those that it works for (not all, but many) we all needed to know one thing in the beginning. We take a look at this through the door that we have the power of choice.

We have been married for a few years and we were talking about our likes and dislikes as we try to learn more and more about each others desires and such, when he said that he has had a fantasy about me being with another man while he was there.
I'm not sure if he just wanted to watch or be active as we're still in the beginning stages of talking about it.

Thats where it begins, just talking. If it goes no further, you find out things about each other that as far as most vanilla couples go, are kept in a secret box. I personally would rather my partner know my secret desires and still love me for who I am. Things that can't be held against me, if I'm honest. Nothing has to happen any more than what our partners can share, and handle.

Anyway. he said he found this site and that it would probably be good for both of us to talk to people and see what is really out there.
So I made the account and we'll see what it's all about.

Now this is where I would like to, Welcome You To The Swingers Board Join in with any questions anytime. We share allot here.

No one here will bullshit you in any way, or tell you what we think you need to hear just for sex, at any time. We are honest about some things in our lives that we might share. Some things are inevitable, some things are just what we feel are good advice. Some things are for safety. Most here have seen or had bad outcomes, as well as positive experiences. It comes from not only our own experience, but what we too, have learned from others.

I've never really thought about anyone else but him since we've been together. He's been an amazing husband and lover. He's very supportive and has stood by me through thick and thin.
The only concern I have about this is more with his protective nature that is also a little possessive (as am I).

You are not alone, all successful swingers that I have ever met, place our partners and our own relationships above and beyond everything and everyone in life. We are not all open to everything. Thats why we have boundaries, limits and rules.

I found it odd considering that he was the one that mentioned swinging so it's put me in a unique position.
On the one hand there is that little bit of excitement and on the other there is the fear that it may backfire on our relationship.

I wont lie to ya, its not for everyone. Having a sound mind about sex and our own relationships is key to success or failure. Never take the next step without knowing that. Talk and listen before doing anything.

I'm sure those fears are common. Anyone have any advice?

Your fears are shared by all who walk through the doors of the swinging lifestyle. I'll let you see and hear from others here. My ideas may differ from many here but so far..... I get along with the people I have had sex with... Its called being compatable.... Thats what you will always see.... we are not all compatible. We still share something called swinging .

[lookingfornow]

Great post generally!

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

You are not alone, all successful swingers that I have ever met place our partners and our own relationships above and beyond everything and everyone in life.

What a powerful observation!

I think all successful swingers are, or were, afraid of losing what they had together as they considered the possibilities of moving forward. We certainly did. It seems to me that the couples who fail are the ones who move forward into non-monogamy without giving serious thought to the possible ramifications to their primary relationship. Successful swingers generally claim that breaking the taboo of monogamy enhances their intimacy. Again, this has certainly been the case for us. But, we concede that non-monogamous behavior simply is not for everyone. You have to get past the concept that you own the sexual self of your partner. You have to embrace the possibility that you and your partner can derive pleasure within your primary relationship from sharing sexual experiences with others (according to whatever boundries you mutually set).

[socolais]

Originally Posted by RedHeaded

... On the one hand there is that little bit of excitement and on the other there is the fear that it may backfire on our relationship.

When we started exploring this, we both agreed that this was just the exploration of an opportunity and either one of us could halt the adventure at any time we felt uncomfortable. We love and respect each other and neither would intentionally do anything to hurt the other. We enjoyed the excitement as we learned more about ourselves and grew closer together. We progressed at a comfortable pace and had lots of fun. We got lucky with our first few encounters and met friendly, responsible folks that cared about how things turned out.

Each encounter is another chapter in an ongoing adventure....

[JustMrJ]

I'd like to first commend you both on doing the research first... would hate for you to 'buy a lemon' while 'looking for an apple'.

Second...

My wife and I are fairly new to the Lifestyle, but we spent the better part of two years talking about it off and on and reading the forums as well as books.

We have embraced the Lifestyle as a very fun thing to do together. We get to meet and make friends with new and interesting people. We socialize, sometimes go to a Vanilla club to dance, or have dinner with our 'dates'. We get to have some of the most incredible sex with, well... almost perfect strangers. Although, we like to think they are perfect friends.

I would hold all the advice above in high regard. This Lifestyle is not for everyone. Only the two of you can evaluate whether it for you or not. Go at your own pace. Do the research. Get lots of feedback. TALK to and LISTEN to... generally communicate with your spouse about ALL of your concerns, desires, fantasies and fears.

I hope you both have lots of fun, no matter your choices. *HUGS*

[JDApopka]

and welcome to the fun. this is a great place with lots of good advice .
My wife thougth I was nuts when I suggested that I wanted to see her with another man.. and it took a while before she agreed but its been a fun ride since

[Pepper & Drew]

Those feelings are very common and valid. I worried before we started swinging that we wouldn't be able to unring the bell.

Continue to talk about your feelings and fantasies and by all means, read all you can. You'll probably have lots of questions...and I'm sure someone, at some point in time has had the same question and asked it on the board. If not, fee free to ask it.

Only the two of you can decide if swinging will work for you.

And

Pepper

[gatorvol64]

Originally Posted by RedHeaded

The only concern I have about this is more with his protective nature that is also a little possessive (as am I).
I found it odd considering that he was the one that mentioned swinging so it's put me in a unique position.

Gator brought up the idea of swinging and he is more protective rather than possessive. Which was a help for me. I knew he'd be there to take care of me. He wouldn't let any thing bad happen. I trusted him then and now to do that if needed. I can take care of myself most of the time but its nice to know I don't have to. Now, I have two protective husbands.

Originally Posted by fun4Ds

You are not alone, all successful swingers that I have ever met, place our partners and our own relationships above and beyond everything and everyone in life. We are not all open to everything. Thats why we have boundaries, limits and rules.

This is so true for any that I've met.

Vol

[ncmd_couple]

Welcome to the board! Whether ya'lls discussions lead you to swinging or not, it will be great for your relationship. The ability to be totally honest with each other and know that each of you love and accept the other completely will be a wonderful experience.

S

[loveohio]

Hi!

I'm new to this as well - but I too was taken aback when my husband told me over a year ago that he had that same fantasy.

I didn't know what to make of it, honestly. I didn't understand it - as I have NO desire to see him with another woman - and I couldn't understand how that would be a turn-on for him when he is otherwise possessive and can be jealous.

He constantly assured me that this wasn't his back-door approach to introducing the idea of him being with other women - and that he wasn't even sure if he'd want to join in with me and "the other guy" as he may prefer to just watch.

But I still couldn't wrap my mind around the idea and was really worried about how it might affect our relationship. Plus the whole idea that swinging went against everything I believed (as far as monogamy, morality, etc)

When I asked him about his otherwise possessive/jealous tendencies he explained to me that if I were to just go out and sleep with another man he would be devastated, but if we TOGETHER went for me to play with another man that was a different story as it was something we were doing together as part of our relationship and not anything like a betrayal to him.

Then a couple months ago, we were starting to make-out a bit and he said "tell me about the hottest one night stand you ever had". So I started describing it for him and he went nuts! We had the most passionate sex - five times that afternoon and evening. So, I thought "wow...maybe he's not kidding" lol

We played that game (me telling past stories) a few times and our sex life was like it had been when we first met - we were going at it 5, 6, 7 times a day.

Sidenote here: he had NO desire to hear about any of my past sexual experiences with guys I had a relationship with (ie emotional attachment to). He only liked to hear about the random encounters.

So, we signed up on a couple swinger sites - spent time emailing and chatting with a few guys - and went from there. We have had two experiences so far - and I have nothing but good things to say about it to date.

Hubby has not joined in yet, just watched. Which isn't as weird as I thought it would be (turns out I'm pretty preoccupied and it's easy to forget he's even there!) And our relationship is actually getting stronger than ever - in that we have opened up a whole new level of honest communication...I mean, what can you NOT talk about after something like this?! Plus we now share this delicious little secret.

He is not a bit jealous when we/I are playing - and our own sex life is off the hook now (If I'm in the mood, all I have to say now is "remember how it looked when my lips were wrapped around John's..." and BAM - hubby is tearing my clothes off and giving me the ride of my life!)

So - hopefully some of this helps you. We made a pact that we would both be brutally honest about what we did or didn't like as things went along (even crazy little things...like after our first experience he wanted to dip his finger in me and have me taste it. Yuck for me - told him that and so that's now off the table. Or when hubby asked that I spend more time being on top as it gave him a better view...so I now do that more)

And we decided upfront that if either of us ever felt uncomfortable or even thought we had changed our mind - we would back out of this immediately and regroup. Our relationship with each other is our priority and if this even looked like it was hurting us, we were out immediately.

Best of luck with whatever you decide! You are sure to get a lot of great info on this board - I spent weeks reading through every section of it when we got started!

[bryanlee]

You know it's funny because I was always the more posessive one (if you can say that) in our relationship. I was also the one who initially brought up the discussion about us bringing another into our bedroom/life.

The first time i brought it up she was into it and after a little discussion i let some irrational fears get the best of me and i soon after changed my mind. She, being the wonderful and understanding person she is, said that ok and never brought it up again until I finally did.

Since then we have become more close than we ever dreamed of. Early on in our relationship i had some trust issues stemming from a previous mariage where i was lied to and cheated on for a long time before i found out. We could not be a closer, more trusting and loving couple now. I think we owe every bit of it to the honest and open communication, trust and mutual respect we have gained from this lifestyle.

If you both decide this is for you then i think you will find it can do amazing things for your relationship.

Bryan & Sharon

[SJCPL1]

Redheaded
Keep reading because there is some great advice here.