"But Where?"

[myopenbook]

People often ask me about how to find interested couples if they themselves don't have a desire to go to swingers clubs, events, etc., and don't necessarily feel comfortable looking online. How and where does one find partners without freaking anybody out or coming off as some sort of creep or predator?

Thanks so much!

Best,
Jenny Block
Author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage"

[two42lovers]

Very hard to imagine someone who is uncomfortable looking for partners on swinger sites or going to swinger gatherings, but would somehow be comfortable enough to approach vanillas outside of a swing context about sex. Not likely.

[VegasLee]

Honesty, over the years we have been asked that same question 100's of times, always on line.

There seems to be people out there that think there is a number you can call or something and have couples drop in and party with them.

Normally the person/people doing the asking have a blank profile if they are on a site or on yahoo/aol asking the question.

They appear to us as people that do not desire to put any effort into finding what they are looking for. Normally I refer to them as trolls.

I can not really believe that anyone that does not want to take some time going to either clubs or events really has the true interest it and desire to make something like that work.

I can understand not wanting to work the web sites to chat rooms on line with the number of fakes and trolls present on the Internet these days.

Like buying a new car, when shopping for Swingers you go where the Swingers are. On line you best watch out carefully when trolling the used car ads.

[WesternSwing]

Jenny:

Welcome to the Board. I have a RSS feed to your blog and have ordered your book, also.

Other than what you covered there are not many other ways to meet people. Like you mention, talking to someone that your not sure is open to an open relationship situation is a very tricky deal. Friends have been lost over such discussions.

Other than putting-out that "vibe" that you are a secure and open couple when in social situations, without coming out and actually saying so, I don't see much of way to meet other like-minded people other than clubs, poly potluck gatherings and the Internet. Every single female we've ever met and had a relationship with was met doing just that, just being us in everyday situations and we end-up becoming friends with a woman and things just progress from there as we get to know each other better. It seems when you are open to it they find you.

Mr. WS

[knb2004]

Originally Posted by myopenbook

People often ask me about how to find interested couples if they themselves don't have a desire to go to swingers clubs, events, etc., and don't necessarily feel comfortable looking online. How and where does one find partners without freaking anybody out or coming off as some sort of creep or predator?

No swinger activities and no online searching does severely impact the ability to seek out and find like minded people. Since there are no universal "We're swingers" symbols, bracelets, pins or other signs, identifying someone open to even the suggestion is problematic at best. Now, if the female half is wearing a shirt that declares "I like boys... and Girls" that might be a clue.

Other than that I don't have a good answer for you. Like all humans, swingers have their normal, boring, day to day lives, which means at one point in time or another we'll be found in grocery stores, gas stations, various places of employment, and even church, but knowing who is who? No idea.

I suppose you could try a nude beach, though if someone isn't up for swinger parties I don't know if that would be a viable alternative. In our experience there's a pretty significant swinger presence there.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by myopenbook

People often ask me about how to find interested couples if they themselves don't have a desire to go to swingers clubs, events, etc., and don't necessarily feel comfortable looking online. How and where does one find partners without freaking anybody out or coming off as some sort of creep or predator?

Thanks so much!

Best,
Jenny Block
Author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage"

First, let me state.. I offer this as a NON professional, and if this is for your PERSONAL information do with it what you wish, HOWEVER, if this is for a column or a Book.. Move along..


Way back when the internet first fired up and millions found there way to the only place for internet virgins, AOL, they in eveitably found thier way to the chat rooms.. titles of which sparked the deviant in many..

A quick stop in most any, led to wild conversations, sparked more fantasies, and led to more exploration..

Now lets stop here and ask the key question.. Why.. and the answer goes a long way to answering your question..

Because logged in under whatever screen name that they came up with they could explore, chat, do whatever they wanted, ANONYMOUSLY

Nobody knew who bigtitts44d was , for all they knew it could have been the next door nieghbor , thier first grade teacher, or ??

So, to answer your question, If people aren't into clubs.. or house parties.. then the last option they can take is to explore the world wide web again ANONYMOUSLY.. and see if there is someone out there that floats their boat.. only after some serious conversations via email and chat, decide if they are ready to kick it up and talk on the phone..

Still want to remain ANONYMOUS? Ask for a number and hit *67 to block your number when you call, but remember.. in order to make fantasy, reality.. at somepoint the walls and safe guards have to be lowered

Three rules apply:

1. be real.. all too often we run into people portraying themselves online as everything but what they truly are..

2. be clear .. never leave ANYTHING left to the imagination.. there are too many gray areas.. Spell it all out, what you are into.. NOT into..

3. be safe.. If things don't add up, or you get a weird feeling during any conversation, excuse yourself politely, and back away.. Never allow anyone to apply pressure.. in any form..

The whole not wanting to come off as a PREDATOR bothers me, for one reason above all else, if this is your concern, what the hell is it you are looking for?

After 13 years involved with this lifestyle in one form or another.. you learn everyone has kinks.. and while yes we have gotten a few shockers.. most of what people THINK is out there.. really isnt.. Sure there are a few.. but they tend to set off warning bells from the first contact

" What i want involves you me her, some maple syrup, a few tennis balls. and a ... "

YIKES!!!

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by myopenbook

People often ask me about how to find interested couples if they themselves don't have a desire to go to swingers clubs, events, etc., and don't necessarily feel comfortable looking online. How and where does one find partners without freaking anybody out or coming off as some sort of creep or predator?

Thanks so much!

Best,
Jenny Block
Author of "Open: Love, Sex, and Life in an Open Marriage"

Why do you ask? I find it a bit strange that someone who's written a book of the above title would need to ask where swingers would look to find others to play with.

But I like to give others the benefit of the doubt, so assuming you really don't know and would like to find out for your own interests . . .

Many swingers find searching for playmates over the internet a chore. Let's face it, there are a lot of predators, trolls, and other assorted undesirables that revel in the anonymity of the internet.

That leaves clubs, parties, and meet & greets. For someone genuinely interested in the lifestyle, there is no need to feel like a predator. The other folks at these events are there for the same reason you are.

=)

[Alura]

I'm just a hick Okie, and I don't profess to have any magic systems to find playmates, but it seems to me you've ruled out all possibilities except one: "Search among one's friends."

It's true risks of losing friendships exist if a couple does that, but there are ways to diminish that. I do not recommend going to each of your friends and asking, "Would y'all like to swing?" I do recommend getting to know your friends. It will take some effort and more time than going to a club or searching on-line.

You can do that by learning to communicate with them. Ask questions that will get them to think about the answers, and NEVER ask a question that can be answered with "yes" or "no." Ask a couple of hundred questions about life in general before getting around to swinging and always ask in the same way.

We like "How do y'all feel about ...?" Their answers will require some thought and will delve deeper into their psyche. Start with "... your life as a child?" Go on to, "... the college you went to?" "... city government?" "... the war?" "... the crime rate?" "... 'Gone with the Wind?" "... your job?"

When you start getting near "THE QUESTION," don't go for the jugular the first time the subject turns to sex.

"What do y'all think has caused the recent downturn in teen pregnancies?" "How much do you fear STDs?" 'How do y'all feel about our government financing aids care/research in Africa?" "How would y'all feel about them doing the same thing here?" "How do y'all feel about mixed/gay/open marriages?"

By the time one gets around to "How do y'all feel about group sex?" one will have some idea of what the answer will be. If they say, "It's okay for some, but not for us," simply ask "How do y'all feel about the public schools today?"

If they say, "It sounds like fun to us!" ask "How do y'all feel about the jealousy issue?" "... risks of pregnancy?" There are a lot of etceteras one can choose from on this board.

If you develop the tradition of asking and answering such questions, don't be surprised if they follow your lead and ask, "How do y'all feel about swinging?"

Always answer truthfully and completely. Remember the goal is not to convince but to learn how your friends think, which will help you to determine if they are, indeed, prospective playmates.

Mr. Alura