Newbies have to make an effort also...

[BiloxiCouple]

So you are new at swinging and think you are a newbie? All of us have been that before.

First the good news -

You are here and trying to figure this out. That's a good start.

You have questions.

You are scared/apprehensive.

You don't know what to do.

How do I bring it up to my significant other?

All these are questions that are asked every day here.

Now the not so bad news -

You are going to have to meet people and let them into an important part of your life at some level. I think that will be the hardest thing for alot of newbies. Just meeting and talking to people. Once past that it may get easier for you.

This I believe is the biggest effort you are going to have to make.

So what do you think about this?

[partyof2ormore]

I have to agree with you. As newbies, one of our biggests hurdles is the "meeting new people" part.

We have been together for our entire adult lives and the prospect of putting ourselves "out there" is frankly, intimidating.

Our plan is to go to an on-premise club at some point (possibly this summer or early fall) and just feel it out. Maybe we hook up with another couple, and maybe we don't...it doesn't really matter. The important part for us is that we experience it together and have a good time trying.

Our attitude is this: even if the night turns into something that neither of us expected or wanted and we decide to never do it again, we'll still have a GREAT story to tell when we get older.

John

[knb2004]

John-
There are several good clubs in the City, when you guys are ready let us know and we'll point them out to you.

[jjtrindc]

We totally agree. When we first started, we went to an "off-premise" club just to get a feel for the vibe. We were soooo nervous that first time. The hosts did a great job of introducing us around and we got talking to people and found out that everyone was really nice. We kept in contact with a few of those couples for a bit just to chat online about their experiences and ask questions, etc. We aren't great "minglers" so its hard for us to meet couples at clubs so we turned to the online route. That has its own challenges as it really is a one-on-one scenario. My wife likened it to dating in high school a bit. I think that's a pretty good analogy. We took it slow and tried to chat as much online through email and IM to make sure we were meeting couples who were a good fit. Ultimately, you do have to drop your guard and be yourself...but when you get to that level of comfort with another couple its awesome. We were out of the lifestyle for a bit due to jobs, kids, etc, and now that we are back meeting people the same anxieties are there - but so is the excitement of meeting new people. I think being somewhat cautious is a good thing...but don't let that get in the way of letting your hair down and being who you are.

[realcplub2]

Originally Posted by BiloxiCouple

So you are new at swinging and think you are a newbie? All of us have been that before.

First the good news -

You are here and trying to figure this out. That's a good start.

You have questions.

You are scared/apprehensive.

You don't know what to do.

How do I bring it up to my significant other?

All these are questions that are asked every day here.

Now the not so bad news -

You are going to have to meet people and let them into an important part of your life at some level. I think that will be the hardest thing for alot of newbies. Just meeting and talking to people. Once past that it may get easier for you.

This I believe is the biggest effort you are going to have to make.

So what do you think about this?

Sorry to quote the WHOLE original post BUT, these are the exact question I have gotten in the past.. and for the past 9 years since I started a local area group for where we used to live..

There is one area though on the list that we have no way of offering council on.. How to tell your Significant Other ( or SO) , your desires.. How they will react or what to do with the answer if its not the ONE they wanted..

We can offer all sorts of advise on everything, but, until they have broached that subject..

So anyway, there is one thing that EVERY newbie needs to do.. and if they are reading this, PLEASE PAY ATTENTION..

Discuss what you are into/looking for/willing to do/try ... And when you feel you are both on the same page.. and you are really ready to go look for a playmate or two..

DO IT TOGETHER, do NOT leave it up to one or the other to find contact and set things in motion WITHOUT the other.. There are enough SURPRISES that can happen when you are getting started.. you do not need another to be.. " Oh I forgot to tell you.."

Oh and BTW.. Nerves are COMPLETELY NORMAL.. to quote one of my favorite movies..

" You conquer that fear, and buddy, hang on, you are in for the ride of your life"

[multiplesforme]

i really like all the advice given here. i think as a somewhat "newbie" (i have been a part of this lifestyle - but dave hasn't) that communication as to what you want - like - fantasize - willing to do - , etc. is extremely important. you need to talk about feelings you may or may not have about situations and how will you react to them. so - i think communication is the most important step here. i also really like the advice given as to doing it together. i think if you are a couple - and this is something that you both want to explore and add to your life - then....do all the parts of it together. the whole process of exploring this area in our life has been an added sexual adventure for both dave and i - and what better way to keep this as something between the two of you then to make sure the both of you to do it together?

[2inVT]

A few aspects we've noticed re:newbies.

A M&G at a hotel lounge is NOT a full-out orgy. It's in public. We may dress a bit provocatively, but nothing you wouldn't see in that venue. No one is going to drag you off and attack you. Be friendly. Even to people who don't attract you. Brush up on the social skills, and remember, you can always say no.

Yes, you want a bi-fem to join you. A lot of newbies (and experienced swingers) want this. Do NOT ask a single bi-fem to be your hubby's birthday present. If you are ONLY interested in bi-fems, be prepared to wait. And wait. And wait.

No, just because you've declared yourself to be a swinger, it does not mean that every woman in the place is gonna be drooling over your hubby, nor is every man going to be hitting on your wife. It does not automatically make you irresistable.

No, the fact that you're at a party/M&G/dinner/whatever with swingers does not mean you automatically have the right to touch them or have sex with them. Don't grab. Don't make crude comments. If sex is happening, if people are naked, you STILL have to ask before joining or touching. Naked swinger lady does NOT equal help yourself.

Swingers are not mind-readers. You have to tell them what you want/like, and you have to tell them what you don't want/don't like.

Never tell people WHY you've turned them down. A simple "No, thank you" is sufficient. Don't share with them your repulsion at people their age/height/weight/etc. If they ask why, simply tell them you just don't feel the chemistry. Leave it at that. It's never going to be a case of "if you change this, then we'll be interested." Even if YOU feel that way, THEY are certainly not going to change to suit you. (And if they did, I'd run like hell the other way.) Think how you'd feel if someone turned you down saying, "You are way too short/old/fat/hairy/whatever for us."

Are you sure you've thought this through? Yeah, you want to have sex with me, and you want to watch your wife having sex with me. You do realize that YOUR wife will also be having sex with MY husband? He's certainly going to be there, and he will be participating. Are you going to be ok with this? We understand that you're new to this, and we certainly will stop any time you ask us to - but if you're having issues, we'd appreciate knowing that sooner than later. Do NOT go into this without being honest with people.

Hope this doesn't come across as too negative. We had one rough summer with a lot of newbies.

[james_jones]

One of my biggest things is Im currantly goin though a bad Marriage/separation .Have never done this but have always wanted to .just dont know anyone personally to give me pointers.I would like to meet another female that would be into this life style but its hard to do . Lots that I like dont seem to fit the bill and this is what I truelly want.I have NO PROBLEM meeting the ladies but just finding one that would be into this type of lifestyle .Would like to go to the clubs but Im under the impression that single males are not usually welcome .Also have to be very descreet because of my kids and situation being from a smalltown the judge would tear me apart for this type of lifestyle I have chose to live any advice would be greatly appreciated.


I also posted this in a different thread
Thanks

[spvcouple]

At a meet n greet we often look for the folks who have that "deer in the headlights" look about them. No, not so that we can attack them or try to be their first. Rather to make them feel welcome and introduce them to others. At least the others that WE know are kind, nice and welcoming people.
We like to think that it makes them feel a little better about the people there. That everyone doesn't want to rip off their clothes and have their way with them. But instead, that we are a group of regular folks with a different sort of recreation. That many of us are friends, really TRUE friends.
If it helps them, we feel that we can turn our scout pin right side up.

K and D