New to the Lifestyle

Hey all, I'm a new guy here. I've just recently become interested in
swinging. First let me tell about myself. I am a 23 year old college
student living in North East Indiana. I am very interested in learning
more about swinging and possibly joining the lifestyle. I am engaged
to the most wonderful woman in the world. She is a latina BBW that is
the love of my life. The question I wanted to ask is, what is the best
way to broach the subject of swinging to your significant other. I am
worried that my fiancee will think that I do not find her attractive,
which is not the case. She is very self concious about her body and
does not beleive me when I tell her how beautiful she is. Any advice
on the best way to ease her into the idea of swining would be
appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read this rather long
message and i look forward to further communications with you all!

[JustAskJulie]

First off, I hope you'll register so that you can come back and answer a few questions. if you aren't comfortable registering just post your response in a new thread (with the same title) and I'll merge them for you.

My first question to you is why do you want to swing? What do you want to get out of it? This is something that you are going to need to be able to explain to her as well.

As far as making sure that she doesn't take it as a knock against her that is your job in making sure that she knows that you love her as she is and that you appreciate her body and for that matter lust after it. That you aren't seeking to open your relationship because you are unhappy with her but only because you want to expand (what is hopefully) a wonderful relationship. If she already has self-esteem issues it is going to be your job to constantly reassure her that she is beautiful, and quite honestly while there are some (just like in real life) that aren't attracted to BBW's there are many who are... the key (just as in real life) is that the BBWs who are the most attractive are those with good self-esteem who believe themselves to be attractive.

A couple of threads that you might want to read through (and bookmark to later share with her if/when you do bring the subject up) are:

Has Swinging Improved Your Self-Image?

plus size women
BBW sex or not?
Is swinging just for skinny people?
Self-conscious about my weight/body
Swinging and BBW's
Is weight a big issue?

[des1re06]

Hi,

My first thought is why are you interested in the lifestyle?

Before you get married is the best time to discuss your desire to be part of this lifestyle.

As for broaching the subject, it's best to just be honest and let her know it's something you're interested in. Discuss it and ask her to come here to read about what it really is. There are many misconceptions.

Mrs. D

Hey all the threads you gave me were very informative, I appreciate it very much. As far as why I want to try swinging I guess I've just always been into trying new things. I have always wanted to expand my horizons and look at things from a new and exciting perspective. Sex is just another aspect of my life where I would like to do that. Also, to be honest, I have a high sex drive even for a 23 year old male and my fiancee is not up for sex nearly as often as I am. Of course I always respect her "no", but sometiems I become frustrated that I am unable to fully meet my sexual needs. I also would like the variety os sexual partners that swinging would present. I don't know if there are right or wrong reasons for wanting to be a swinger but these answers are honest and thats all I have to give. Either way I appreciate the time and consideration you have all given me.

[des1re06]

Your reasons are very honest and I respect that.

Monogamy is not for everyone, and it's good that you know this and discuss it with your fiance before you are married. Sexual adventure should be something you enjoy sharing together.

I hope it works out for you and you don't have to go the route of cheating.

Mrs. D

[iapr]

I think the real question you need to be asking yourself is are you really ready to be married and committed to one person or is what you are interpreting as "possibly joining the lifestyle" really more about just wanting to bang more chicks? The two are completely different and it is a valid question.

Swinging is something that a happily committed couple does as part of their sexual dynamic as a couple. Being a free man and being able to come and go as you please and to invite into your bed whoever you please is a completly different reality and the two do NOT mix.

When I was 40 and had been faithfully married for ten years and had kids and a mortgage and balancing two careers and wanted explore different sexual options with my wife as a couple, I became interested in "joining the lifestyle."
When I was 23 I wanted to bang chicks.

Banging chicks is about freedom and owing nothing to nobody. Swinging is still about committment.

Your real issue here isn't about how to approach your GF about swinging. Your first real question should be to yourself if you are really ready for committment or if you are still wanting to sow some wild oats.

Its funny that you should mention the whole commttiment issue and the desire to sow the wild oats. First off I have done my fair share of sowing. And this issue actually has come up and been discussed in our relationship. We have taken breaks to cool down the relationship and try to take things slowly primarily because of my desire to have sex with other women. For a period of six monthsto a year it seemed like every other month I wanted to take a break and the reason was I had someone I wanted to have sex with.The result of all of these discussions and trial breaks is that every single time I have come back to her and realized that she is what I want above all else. If it is a choice between a completely mongamous relationship with her or not having her in my life at all I will chose the monogamy any day of the week, but I guess what I am doing here is to see if there is not more than just those two options. MAybe my problem is I just want to have my cake and eat it too, but I would always hate myself if I didn't at least explore the possibilities of any alternative choices other than the ones she has presented me. Hopefully all this will make sense and you will all have some feedback for me, if not then feel free to ask questions. And for the record, I never once cheated on her.

[des1re06]

Yes, you can have your cake and eat it to. At least, that's how we see it.

It's how she (your fiance) see's it that's the issue at hand.

Mrs. D

[sexcupid]

I guess one of my questions here then would be, is she aware of what you were doing on these 'breaks'? Or more to the point, was she aware of the fact that what precipitated the 'break' was because you wanted to have sex with someone else? How long have you been together as a couple?

It is good that you can be honest with your reasoning, and I can respect that.

However, and this is just my point of view, I'm not sure she will take the proposition well. If during the time you have been together, you are wanting to separate every other month or so to have sex with someone new, so that technically you aren't cheating on her because you are on a 'break'...well for me, there is just too much uncertainty in the relationship and even though you are engaged, if she also feels that it's been more of a roller coaster ride (and not the good kind) then she may not be receptive to the idea...if she is already very sensitive about her size and given the apparently frequent breakups in the relationship...the proposition may just fuel more insecurity.

Assuming she knows that during these breaks you were having sex with other people, she may think that this is some kind of scheme to try and have it all.

Good luck broaching the subject with her. I look forward to seeing how it turns out. Welcome to the board!

[petra6998]

to the board!! You say that you have never once cheated on her...but if she don't want to do the swing thing would that stop you from as you say "having your cake and eating it too".

[iapr]

Originally Posted by Unregistered

Its funny that you should mention the whole commttiment issue and the desire to sow the wild oats. First off I have done my fair share of sowing. And this issue actually has come up and been discussed in our relationship. We have taken breaks to cool down the relationship and try to take things slowly primarily because of my desire to have sex with other women. For a period of six monthsto a year it seemed like every other month I wanted to take a break and the reason was I had someone I wanted to have sex with.The result of all of these discussions and trial breaks is that every single time I have come back to her and realized that she is what I want above all else. If it is a choice between a completely mongamous relationship with her or not having her in my life at all I will chose the monogamy any day of the week, but I guess what I am doing here is to see if there is not more than just those two options. MAybe my problem is I just want to have my cake and eat it too, but I would always hate myself if I didn't at least explore the possibilities of any alternative choices other than the ones she has presented me. Hopefully all this will make sense and you will all have some feedback for me, if not then feel free to ask questions. And for the record, I never once cheated on her.

This is exactly what I am talking about. If you are needing to take "breaks" then you are in no position to be making any kind of committment. In marriage there are no "breaks". When you have a mortgage and housefull of screaming pooping kids there are no breaks. When you are trying to balance careers, pay bills and feed kids there are A LOT of very unsexy times and you WILL be tempted by other people. Taking a break and then coming home when your tank is drained will not be an option.

Your main question from the begining has been how to approach her about swinging. My guess is she will see it exactly how it is and that you are wanting to screw other chicks and you want her blessing to do it. It bad enough you love her up for month or two and then tell her you need a "break" because you want to fuck someone else and now you want her permission to do it as a lifestyle choice.

You can ask but if she has a grain of sense to her she will see that as the last straw and send you to the curb so she can find someone who will be satisfied with her and make a real committment to her and she can lead the kind of life she wants and you will be able to lead the kind of life you want.

Swinging is not about banging chicks because the one you have at home isn't satisfying to you. Swinging is still about committment and compasion and treating the person you love with dignity and respect.

You are still wanting to have your cake and eat it to but you are wanting your cake to agree to it so you can go around eating others without the guilt or hassle.

Do each of you a favor and do what will cause both of you the least pain and heartache in the long run and break it off with her and then you can go screw whoever you want and she can find a real man who will love her and treat her the way she wants to be treated.

[LFM2]

Unregistered, Have to agree with iapr here. Your posts throw up so many red flags regarding what you view as swinging. I have no doubt you didn't cheat on her because you took a lot of "breaks" so you could bone some chick and then you headed right back to her. Swinging is definitely not about boning anyone. Iapr is right in that it's about "commitment and compassion and treating the person you love with dignity and respect".

What I read is that maybe you want her permission for you to sleep around. To me, that's still not swinging. You're still emotionally cheating her out of the respect, love and commitment that you should be sharing with her. Part of marriage also consists of looking at women you might want to bang and resisting that impulse. If you feel that you need to take a break so you can chase them down to have sex, you're not ready for marriage or swinging.

They're right too about no breaks in marriage. We've been married for twenty-four years and we've never had a "break" from each other, the mortgage, the kids and their shitty diapers, when they're sick, when the other spouse is sick, when the dishes are dirty and the laundry needs done. It's life. Either you're in it for the long haul, or you're not. If this doesn't sound like what you're in for, don't do it...

I know this sounds harsh, but we were that age too. My husband remembers clearly that when he was 23, life was sex, roping cattle and working at the ranch. Nothing else mattered. We married when he was 27. His earlier life gave himself a chance to experiment, have sex with whoever and get his shit together.

Hello again all. First off I want to apologize for any misunderstanding I may have caused here. During these "breaks" I never actually got up the nerve to ever have sex with anyone else (that is what I meant when I said I never sheated on her). The breaks were a result of me feeling guilty for being sexually attracted to another woman. I thought that if I was attracted to another woman I must not love her and therefore would be better breaking up with her.And the breaks are also a thing of the past. I am committed to making a relatioship work with her and am in it for "the lang haul". It is not that I am not satisfied with the sex that we have together, when we make love it is amazing. I am simply a very curious persona nd am interested in expanding my sexual horizons. As I have stated before, if its a choice between monogamy and a life without her I will choose monogamy any day of the week. Its just I thought maybe there was another choice and I thought that I could explore that other choice here on this website but maybe you guys are right and swinging is not for me. Please feel free to leave more feedback and or questions.

[2aussies]

I totally agree with iapr and lfm2. Swinging is fun and sex and stuff. Commitment to a marriage is when the other person is sick or going through tough times. You need to work out what you are committed to. My wife is going through a really bad time at work at the moment, and we might put swinging on hold while we deal with it. But we'll do it together, just the way we swing.

[ncmd_couple]

The day that I don't find a woman I see sexually attractive, throw dirt on me.

I'm dead.

You have to sort out being attracted to someone, and the reality of life. It is always a judgement call. Enjoying the view, and loving the lady that you are with. Two completely different things.

S