Common Newbie Swinger Mistakes

[cubnamy1995]

Here's one we just figured out:

Thinking you need to spend a prolonged night of seduction before making the move. It was rough to start playing at 2AM when we all had to be at work around 8AM the next morning. Next time, it will be sex first, then dinner and dancing LOL

[IrvTxCouple]

Originally Posted by burned out

Another disagreement from a newbie. The Mrs wanted to see what all the fuss was about and the "not so local" club was a great way to expose her to it (pun intended). We still aren't swapping but she is totally comfortable with the club and has gone much farther than she would have in an apparent "all or nothing" situation like an internet hook-up. She still wouldn't be comfortable setting up a date with an unknown but is totally comfortable with the exhib/voy stuff we can do at a club. Our standing joke about the "rules" now is, "What are we absolutely, positively NOT going to do?" She usually changes her mind at the club and we inch another step forward.

Exactly how we started, I'm very experienced and have been around the block a lot more than she has, not to mention she has extremely limited experience. However she is very adventurous and interested, though leary.

Once we started to go to clubs she started to open up, got much more comfortable. Things are not full bore atm, but getting there.

I think overall patience is the key, yes ... the goal is sex, and lots of it. However, have to take your time getting there so you have good experiences, and diminish the chances of bad ones.

[cubnamy1995]

I read back through the thread and wanted to ask a question about Chicup's post on friendship. The couple we are playing with now have become very dear friends of ours. I know that it is a very rare thing to find that set of very close friends in the lifestyle, but it seems we've found that in a very short amount of time.

I can understand and agree with what you said that it is unrealistic that you will make lots of real friends in the lifestyle. I have only a few close friends in the vanilla world too. That is part of the reality of the human experience. But we've never had a problem making "let's go out and drink on the weekends now and then" kind of friends.

My question would be, is it really unrealistic to want to explore that dynamic during the getting to know you phase? I'm not saying we are that way every time. If we are at a club, we won't need to even know your name. But outside of a club setting, we look for that. Is that what you meant, or were you saying that its unrealistic to make close friendships before swinging? I mean no sarcasm whatsoever. I am genuinely interested in your point.

[sereneiders]

I believe Chicup meant something having to do with the motto "don't attempt to make swingers out of friends, but friends out of swingers" (which is your case).

He never said "avoid making friends" nor "don't attempt to do so", but addressed a basic newbie mistake we've seen a lot in here, that is, to use the previous experience in the vanilla world as a starting point to feel confortable enough as to engage in a swinging activity.

There are two problems with this approach:

1) There isn't anything in the vanilla relationships you can correlate with what you require to swing. We all trend to bring wahtever new experience we have to a well known scenario as to be able to "extrapolate" the variables involved and get rid of our experience in the known scenario to be able to deal with the otherwise unknown things. In this case, this provide a false safety and confortabiliy perception. There are so many unknown variables involved that any exrtapolation would be wishfull thinking. So it is better just to meet people reducing the variables amount to the minimum by setting up minimal goals like "let's just have sex", than start multiplying the variables getting involved emotionally in a friendship and later on see how you do to take care of the friendship relationship ALONG with all you have to take care of for the first swinging experience.

2) As part because of what I said, once you become "friends", it becomes harder and harder to break the ice. Things evolve into a platonic fantasy of "how it would be" and "what ifs", that (moreover if both couples have no experience) doesn't help anyone involved.

This reminds me of the way to put yourself in the swimming pool. You can either sink a toe to test how cold it is, or just jump in. Often, when you test the waters with your toe, you decide it is too cold to dare to jump in, and often when you jump in, the cold sensation vanishes almost inmediatelly.

As chicup said, "look for people you could be friends with", but look for them to have sex. It you click with them, it is likelly that this would evolve into a friendship, as in your case.

And BTW, it isn't that rare, we've making several good friends out of swingers, even with people that otherwise we wouldn't even have the chance to meet or, if meeting them, we wouldn't be compelled nor willing enough to become friends.

[Chicup]

sereneiders summed up the concept well there.

[MtnSwing]

Wow great thread. Newbie here. We have been to a club once and we're terrified before we went inside. The people were fabulous and we made several potential hookups there. We've never even been naked in front of another couple, but we are planning some naughty hiking this weekend with a couple we met that first night. We're also returning to the club with the same couple again.

The club atmosphere has given us the confidence to really pursue this. We realized that we're not deviants and that there are lots and lots of people like us. We had a blast chatting with other couples. We went up to the play room but didn't stay long. It was cool to see what goes on but we weren't ready for that yet. This time, my wife is going with a much more open and flirtatious attitude. The fear is gone and been replaced by anticipation. I'm sure many of you remember this feeling.

Thanks for the advice. We'll definitely try to learn from all of your experience. We've learned to go in with no expectations but to be ready to act if the feeling is right.

Worst case scenario, we've had more sex since we visited that club than we have had in years - something definitely seems to be working.

[IrvTxCouple]

Originally Posted by MtnSwing

... we've had more sex since we visited that club than we have had in years - something definitely seems to be working.

Welcome

And that alone makes swinging fun for everyone, I've never heard of a couple who lost interest in each other once they started. Not that it probably hasn't happened, but I bet it is so rare that it might as well never have.

[cubnamy1995]

Originally Posted by sereneiders

As chicup said, "look for people you could be friends with", but look for them to have sex. It you click with them, it is likelly that this would evolve into a friendship, as in your case.

OK, I get it now. And yes, I can see how potentially disasterous it would be to try to make swingers out of friends. I appreciate what you are saying. We just really developed a close friendship with the couple we are playing with, and though each scenario is unique, I just wanted to gauge where we stood, seeing as how we are relatively new at this. I appreciate the advice. Thanks folks!

[ncpaar]

Thank you from a pair of wet behind the ears newbies for this most excellent thread. Pretty much reaffirmed our attitude but we still found this very helpful. You folks are very cool to take the time to be mentors.

[tittietwister]

All good thoughts but one size doesn't fit all. Swingers and social polys or light polys are all mashed into Swing Lifestyle or competitor sites. I think the confusion is that people aren't aware of the distinction between swinging and polyamorus types and so swingers try to interpret social poly's in their frame of reference and vice versa. They talk past each other.

Polys are a different breed but have nowhere else to go so they make do within the swinging community as a subculture. Of course, the pure swingers view polys as unrealistic with the high value they place on varying degrees of "loving" (swinger red alert word) in relationships.

We really wish people understood the distinctions as we think there are enough social poly's out there (or people who say they are swingers but are really poly's) to support a web site. Unfortunately, we have only found online communties for extreme poly's.

Ultimately, honesty is the only way through this. You state in your profile or in person exactly what you are looking for and let the chips fall where they may. We have made the utmost effort to be clear in our profile - we state that we distance ourselves from the traditional notion of swinging - and I must say it is working well for us. We are attracting like couples who also feel "distant" from the pure swingers.

[Volleygirl1790]

How about waiting to late in the eving to get things started? Maybe it is my age maybe it is my lack of patience, but by the time it gets to be 4:00am I am about out of whatever mood is good...lol Unless it is a rare ocassion that the whole evening had consisted of heavy flirting and such.....we have no issue with getting comfortable in the evening, but at some point late is to late..

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by tittietwister

We really wish people understood the distinctions as we think there are enough social poly's out there (or people who say they are swingers but are really poly's) to support a web site. Unfortunately, we have only found online communties for extreme poly's.

I don't know what makes someone social poly vrs swinger friends. After a while you start to split hairs a bit on labels.

[JustAskJulie]

An excellent thread that requires a good

[SJCPL1]

Right on! Starting a bit earlier allows for a lot more fun.

[cataryna]

Originally Posted by bethncole

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

I also have to disagree with this post, but only to a degree. While yes a newbie can be and most often are overwhelmed at clubs (the deer in headlight look is a dead giveaway) I think it's because most often newbies may choose to go on a weekend night where it's considerably more crowded. Usually when a newbie asks me about our club, I will tell them to check it out on a less busy night, like a Thursday night or a Friday night where it's not quite as crowded so that they're not overwhelmed. However, if they have an aversion to single males I will tell them Saturday, but also make them aware that it can get very crowded on Saturdays so that they're somewhat prepared.

I do not think a house party is necessarily a good first experience because in my experience house parties tend to be more intense. For the most part everyone knows everyone, which might make it hard for a newbie couple to break into the group. They may feel a bit left out, especially if they're shy and nervous as most new couples are.

I definitely think there is less pressure to play at a club, then at a house party or at a scheduled date. At a club, you're one of many. You can choose to sit back and enjoy the sights, until you're comfortable enough to become part of the sights.

Originally Posted by Volleygirl1790

How about waiting to late in the eving to get things started? Maybe it is my age maybe it is my lack of patience, but by the time it gets to be 4:00am I am about out of whatever mood is good...lol Unless it is a rare ocassion that the whole evening had consisted of heavy flirting and such.....we have no issue with getting comfortable in the evening, but at some point late is to late..

AMEN! We're really tired of crawling home at 6 a.m. because the fun stuff didn't start until 4 a.m. Our bodies cannot handle those hours like they used to!

I too have a question about the "friends issue". We have no aversion to meeting someone and within an hour or two taking ourselves off to the bedroom to play with them. But we also are looking for "friends" outside of the bedroom. Our free time is not spent entirely partaking of the lifestyle. We enjoy going out to our favorite rock bar, going to festivals, or listening to some of our favorite local bands. Our profile states that we're looking for people to do some of these things with also, but also ones that we can take home afterwards and get freaky with. We do have two couples that we do these things with on occasion (rarely), and we're always trying to get together a semi-large group to go do these things with and it just never seems to pan out. It seems like for the majority of the people we have met...if it doesn't involve the local swingers club then they're not interested which has left us a little disappointed. Is this pretty normal? Are their others like us that wish to do more things outside the lifestyle, but cant find those same couples who want to do vanilla things?

You'd figure after 6 years of this I'd know the answer myself. Which I guess shows that the lifestyle is a constant learning experience.