Common Newbie Swinger Mistakes

[SuAndBud]

We would warn against becoming so involved and excited with your new found fun, lost-inhibitions and electrically-charged libido that you allow yourselves to jump to incorrect assumptions within the Vanilla community.

eg. We all but outed ourselves to quite a few people in the early days because we mistakenly took their flirting as signs that they were also players, when they weren't. they were simply flirting (which is a normal and healthy occupation for non-swingers, too, we had allowed ourselves to forget).

We are also guilty of thinking it doesn't matter to Vanillas that you are in the Lifestyle (some of them are absolutely horrified - even sickened at the very notion of sharing sexual partners - albeit that many have or will, at some point, selfishly commit adultery behind their own partner's back at some point in their fluffy relationship). In other words, unless you really, really, really don't care what others think and that you may lose some formerly good friends, keep it to yourself and other known players, only.

Don't believe some of the nonsense you read in people's profiles and get suckered into giving away far too much of your own details/photo's to what very often ends up being either an insincere or wholly phoney potential contact.

[SuAndBud]

Originally Posted by trapper

maybe not to fall in love as I did

Now that IS scary unless it had a happy ending (and maybe even if it did).

Intrigued to know more.

[bethncole]

Originally Posted by Chicup

1. Being afraid of the clubs.

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

Originally Posted by Chicup

5. Being 'friends first'.

It depends on what you mean by "friends", but there is nothing wrong with building chemistry with another couple and/or learning more about them like amount of partners they've been with, safety rules, etc.

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by bethncole

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

So can meeting the 'wrong' couple as their first experience. I thought clubs were for 'advanced' swingers too and we avoided them for several years. It was a mistake.

It depends on what you mean by "friends", but there is nothing wrong with building chemistry with another couple and/or learning more about them like amount of partners they've been with, safety rules, etc.

So you have asked swingers how many partners they have had? I'm not sure if thats for safety or bragging If you read the whole thread though, we touched on that in depth in a follow up post.

[good times]

Originally Posted by bethncole

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

I have to totally disagree with this one, the first thing we did was go to an on-premise club and I think it was one of the better decisions we made when we were newbies. It allowed us to meet a lot of people in a short period of time. Had we went the online route first, I am positive we would not be swinging today, because it is too much work for very little and infrequent reward and most of the folks we have met online just weren't a good match for us, so it would have become very disappointing real quick. The biggest advantage to going to a club right off the bat was that we were able to put to rest our fears that swingers were a bunch of sex crazed wackos, it only took one club visit to realize that most swingers are regular folks just like us.

My opinion is that going to the clubs is the best way for a newbie to get into the lifestyle. Apparently a lot of others feel the same, as it has been our experience that, on average, about 20% of the attendees at a club on any given night are newbies. If someone goes to a club and they are overwhelmed, they just aren't ready yet, and I sure wouldn't want to waste my time meeting them through an ad site.

We were nervous as hell the first night we went to a club, and the one we chose was the wildest club we have ever been to, many of the things we saw that night wouldn't even be allowed at most of the clubs we have attended. It didn't overwhelm or intimidate us in the least though, because the people we met were great and made us feel welcome.

[lovinher]

This thread keeps getting better and over time, better yet I'm sure. I'm one to ask what not to do on any subject. You can learn so much more in a shorter period of time when you are told what not to do. That's why I like how this thread has progressed. Put this together with Spoo's haunted house theory and you have almost everything you need to at least get started.

I think Goodtimes said it very well. For one thing when you set up a meet with someone through Swing Lifestyle or any other site you are pretty much stuck with them until you find an excuse to get the hell out of there. From our experience there is a lot of false advertising out there. At a club you can just move on and do whatever it is you want to do. As Goodtimes said, making contacts in a short period of time could be a huge benefit and makes perfect sense. We haven't been to one yet but it is on our "do next" list. I wish we had done it long ago.

Now if Eros in Cleveland could just get those "repairs" completed...... :rollseyes
Not to hijack this thread but does anybody in Cleveland know what is really going on with Eros?

[Spoomonkey]

Originally Posted by bethncole

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

I am going to be the third to chime in and disagree.

It wasn't until we started going to a swing club that we figured out the lifestyle. The personal ads were frustrating (still are). I think we'd have simply decided that swinging was an urban myth after a while and moved on.

The club is going to be overwhelming if you aren't particularly social. But if you're not social, you are going to struggle in swinging. If you know how to talk to people, aren't afraid of a little nudity near you and can enjoy a very adult atmosphere, the club is going to be fine.

Spoomonkey

[rpu3]

Originally Posted by bethncole

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

Fourth in line with my disagreement - I should call it our basic newbie mistake to have waited so long to have gone to a club. There was nothing at/about the club that justified our caution and long wait before attending a club.

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by bethncole

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together.

Fifth one to disagree. Moreover, I'd say this comment is prejudgamental and missleading newbies into believe clubs are places devoted for the weirdests of us to meet up and, given the chance, take advantage of their lack of experience. This was our fear before going to a club the first time, and it was really good to dare to go. Once there, our fear lasted the same a fart inside a basket

We even use clubs as a place where to meet couples we contacted on line, because it relieves everyone involved from the pressure. If the involved people doesn't click, they are able to move on, socialize and have fun with another atendants. And when people click, you're reasured about it preciselly because they already have there a lot of choices to pick instead.

[Pepper & Drew]

Great question!!

1)Drew would probably say not reading the signals from women who are interested in him. He's such a nice guy that early on, women were throwing out the signals, and he was not catching them. He still talks about a particular encounter where the woman was practically throwing herself at her and he didn't make a move.

2) Not excusing ourselves to talk about a situation before acting on it. There have been situations where I thought he was interested and he thought I was and neither of us was all that interested.

3) Not being able to just say no. Being a good 'ole southern girl, my mama taught me to be nice. But, after having experiences that weren't at all fun, we've both learned that if it comes down to us having a good time and someone else having a good time....guess which one we're choosing?

Even after nearly 5 years, we're still learning things.

Pepper

[lovinher]

As newbies who visited a club recently I have to agree that they are not just for experienced swingers. It sure is better than going through the BS of the Internet sites.

At a club....
You are talking to real people in person.
The awkwardness of a private meet just isn't there.
You can figure out if there is an attraction right away.
The sexual vibes are already there.
You don't need to come up with some BS excuse as to why you don't click.
Chances are the people there are serious to begin with.
You don't have to play just because you are at a club. You can meet someone or a couple and set up a private play date with them at a later time.

You will find out before the night is over if you are up to all the nuances of swinging. Such as jealousy, nudity or playing in front of another person or people. If you have problems with any of that, you can just leave.
If you do, maybe you should reconsider what you are looking for. If you can't handle these things in a impersonal setting I would think it would be worse in a private setting where things are one on one.

It is a good way of testing the waters to see if you want to go further in the lifestyle.

Just my newbie opinions.

[IrvTxCouple]

This thread is awesome thank you!

Originally Posted by bethncole

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together.

I have to disagree with this also, we started in the lifestyle by going to clubs (off-premise clubs) so we could meet others and talk to them in an atmosphere that was a pressure cooker of raw sex.

Everyone we met, those we approached and those that approached us, we told up front we were new to the scene and they understood and were patient with us. Helped us out and talked to us and "made friends".

If we had gone with internet or other types of ads to meet folks first I do not think we would be as happy as we are now with the choice we made when we decided to "broaden our horizons".

[curiouscouple4f]

Originally Posted by Chicup

Some of these we made ourselves and others we have seen people make, I'm sure there are a lot I haven't covered.

Don't try to do the swinging teenage in the car thing, under a bridge overpass, in the rain. Too tight of a squeeze with four people.

The Mrs.

[Mr. Truelove]

Originally Posted by Spoomonkey

...and can enjoy a very adult atmosphere
Spoomonkey

Is that what we witnessed you doing? "save the horse ride a..."

[edit] I'll assume he meant, adult as in, X-rated...

[burned out]

Originally Posted by bethncole

This one shouldn't be on the list. Clubs are for experienced or advanced couples. Newbies are overwhelmed there and it can drive them away from the lifestyle all together

Another disagreement from a newbie. The Mrs wanted to see what all the fuss was about and the "not so local" club was a great way to expose her to it (pun intended). We still aren't swapping but she is totally comfortable with the club and has gone much farther than she would have in an apparent "all or nothing" situation like an internet hook-up. She still wouldn't be comfortable setting up a date with an unknown but is totally comfortable with the exhib/voy stuff we can do at a club. Our standing joke about the "rules" now is, "What are we absolutely, positively NOT going to do?" She usually changes her mind at the club and we inch another step forward.