Common Newbie Swinger Mistakes

[BiloxiCouple]

I might get a beating for this one.

Don't put too much faith in swinging personals. I personally think it can be alot of time invested with little return.

[good times]

Well, I know you said "besides too many rules", but that really was our biggest mistake and the biggest mistake we see most newbies make.

I would also agree with BiloxiCouple, the internet ad sites are a major time waster. It is funny, Mrs. GT was just on the phone talking about this to a couple fairly new to the lifestyle who has spent way more time and energy meeting people through the internet personals than is necessary. We meet more compatible people in one visit to the club than they have in several months of working there profile and setting up meets every week.

Finally, taking one for the team. We did that more than we should have at first, what we found out is that it usually isn't any good for either of us when we do, so we avoid it as much as possible now days.

I know, you asked for only "the one thing", in my own defense we never made the personals mistake ourselves, we sure have seen a lot of others make it though.

[SW_PA_Couple]

Originally Posted by lovinher

What is the biggest mistake you made when you started out?

JoAnn's answer: Taking rejections too personally

Michael's answer: Becoming over eager and jumping into situations when JoAnn was not ready.

[rpu3]

I may also take a beating, but my personal "what would I do differently" would be "not bother with single men" or alternatively, "don't put any stock into what is coming out of their mouths". I don't want to treat single men as "walking dildos", but at the same time, the majority have shown to have no value other than that by their stupid actions, their lying and other disrespectful behavior. It's just tiring to me.

There's the 1% single male, of course, which has been reasonably satisfactory, but if and when that ends, so does my single male in swinging interest, I suspect, unless another 1% single just happens to appear. But the odds of lightening striking twice...

Taking one for the team is a very close second (and our number one lesson learned for us as a couple).

Rebecca

[ShellyM]

I think that if we were to do anything different it would be 2 things.

1. Never take one for the team. Why, when the sex we have together is great?
2. Do NOT take this seriously. This is FUN, a hobby. You can turn fun into a 2nd job or a competition.

Shelly

[iapr]

HAVING A LOT OF RULES IN THE BIGINNING IS NOT A MISTAKE!!!!!!!!

It is an important early step in establishing rules and boundries and comfort zones and then along with that as your first baby steps are being made it shows that each of you are capable of following the rules and are able to be assertive enough that you are able to make others follow your rules. Now as you become more experienced and confident and learn more about the environment it is true that some if not many rules will become a non-issue and fall by the wayside.

As is said many times on here the key is communication and keeping somewhat day by day track of where your interests and comfort levels are at any given time. The moral story here is that the specific rules are not as important as TALKING ABOUT the rules. The rules over time will change, some will be dropped and some will be added, what is key is that you are talking about it on a regular and ongoing basis.

[cuzzeyesaidso]

We would have hosted our own parties instead of paying so much money for the local club in town. Alot of people hesitate to do that because unless you have a good circle of friends that will show up, then you really don't know what kind of quality is coming, if anybody comes at all. The way we look at it, regardless of who shows up, we always have each other. And we usually end up playing with each other at the clubs anyway so we might as well do it in our home or a hotel of our choosing.

[intuition897]

1) Thinking that it's normal to feel morally compromised if you want to swing. If you have to do this, you shouldn't be swinging because nothing but negativity and self-destruction can come from it. No one should do anything that detracts from their lives.

2) Not realizing that we have a responsibility to not only our own marriage, but to the marriages of others (eg: refusing to play if you know that it would harm their relationship...even if they're smokin' hot). If you respect marriage, you respect the institution itself, not just the people in it. If you hold your own marriage sacred, how can it be right to value your own marriage and not another? How can it be right to protect your own bond, and at the same time knowingly undermine something so sacred between others? And is it our place to determine whether their marriage is worth respecting or not? Perhaps their marriage might appear pointless to us, but to them, it is sacred. We have to respect that.

3) Thinking that it's normal to have to shut off emotions to be able to swing. Emotions need to be dealt with, not ignored.

[Spoomonkey]

White Castle at 5:30 in the morning after an active night and a six pack of beer...

Spoomonkey

[Edison Carter]

Susan here---Here's what worked for me, as we seem to have avoided most problems.

Developing threesome, foursome and moresome Play with friends. Sex, as an extension of friendship, really worked for me.

When in a positive, supportive and sexually charged environment, indulge yourself.

We are comfortable asking the tough questions before Play on topics of STD's, boundaries, sexual goals, etc. This alone has helped us to avoid STD and drama issues. We do get tested regularly and our Play partners are the types that do too. It's not a perfect system, but it works for us.

When in doubt about a couple, move on.

As far as listings online: We met three couples online. One was not a match as they clearly had not been honest about who they were. We simply said this isn't going to work out and left. We never indulge the delusional. After that we always videochat with anyone from online. The next two were quite fun and one couple we still see.

We mostly play with just two couples, who were friends before we ever started Swinging. Ed and I were pleasantly surprised at friends who liked the idea of having sex with us.

There is one thing I would change. I was very monagamous, very closed off sexually until I was 28. I thought I was serving myself well with such life choices. After all, wasn't there something noble in living life denying your drives and wasn't I protected from STD's and pregnancy? Well, at 28, I had casual sex with a friend and realized that nothing bad happened. I simply had to be smart how I conducted myself and not indulge fools. This evolved into mfmf foursome play with him and other single friends, which took me into this fun sexual adventure. After marriage, I continued, allowing Ed to decide if this was for him and it was . So, if anything, I would have tried this earlier in life, perhaps 25 and be free of the fears I possessed.

[daisy girl]

Ok...I took one for the team and it ended up being a mild disaster. That taught me the importance of being honest. Also, we had a situation where the woman really only wanted a threesome with me and her husband. My husband felt really left out and I didn't see what was going on until it was too late.

You live and learn...

[lovinher]

Thanks for all the replies. Sometimes you learn more when you ask what NOT to do.

As far as "except rules", I knew that would be number one and didn't want it to turn into a rules discussion. I didn't mean to imply that they were not important.

Thanks all!

[Drusilla]

Wow...awesome thread!

One question though. I'm assuming "taking one for the team" refers to situations where one partner is happy with the other couple and one isn't? Is that correct?

[WildMiCouple]

Originally Posted by Drusilla

Wow...awesome thread!

One question though. I'm assuming "taking one for the team" refers to situations where one partner is happy with the other couple and one isn't? Is that correct?

Yes, that's what it means, Drusilla. And that has definately been our biggest mistake too. When it has happened, it ends up being a real downer and puts a damper on playing for quite some time But, it's probably one of those things that every couple must learn on their own.

Brett

[trapper]

maybe not to fall in love as I did