Common Newbie Swinger Mistakes

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by cataryna

I too have a question about the "friends issue". We have no aversion to meeting someone and within an hour or two taking ourselves off to the bedroom to play with them. But we also are looking for "friends" outside of the bedroom. Our free time is not spent entirely partaking of the lifestyle. We enjoy going out to our favorite rock bar, going to festivals, or listening to some of our favorite local bands. Our profile states that we're looking for people to do some of these things with also, but also ones that we can take home afterwards and get freaky with. We do have two couples that we do these things with on occasion (rarely), and we're always trying to get together a semi-large group to go do these things with and it just never seems to pan out. It seems like for the majority of the people we have met...if it doesn't involve the local swingers club then they're not interested which has left us a little disappointed. Is this pretty normal? Are their others like us that wish to do more things outside the lifestyle, but cant find those same couples who want to do vanilla things?

Developing friendships as adults is probably one of the most difficult things that anyone encounters. We all want to do it but at the same time we all have a difficult time doing. As was said earlier in the thread, I do think that within a very short amount of time we know whether or not the person we are talking to is someone that we COULD be friends with. And every once in a while you meet that person who is just your BFF from minute one. But once we grew up and got married it got a lot harder. Now short of the instant BFF thing happening, it takes alot more to develop a friendship, for starters there are more people involved. Not only do I have to get along with this person, but my husband does too, and not only does she have to get along with me but her husband does too. We often talk about the 4 way connection required just for two couples to feel comfortable swinging together, but if you want to actually develop a friendship then it requires an even deeper connection. Then take that a step further and include the fact that we're grownups and married and often have kids that take our time and that severely limits our time to really establish a friendship. And for many swinging couples they get so little time where they can go out and do things without the kids that they would prefer to take that limited time and go to a club/ house party/ social or hookup one on one, because that's the only chance they get to do those things.

We are like you, we'd love to meet some couples we could do all the other stuff with, but the reality is, we have a hard time getting our vanilla friends to find enough time to do those things.

So I guess all in all it boils down to, it's hard to make true friends as adults.

[sweet_tna]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

Developing friendships as adults is probably one of the most difficult things that anyone encounters. We all want to do it but at the same time we all have a difficult time doing. As was said earlier in the thread, I do think that within a very short amount of time we know whether or not the person we are talking to is someone that we COULD be friends with. And every once in a while you meet that person who is just your BFF from minute one. But once we grew up and got married it got a lot harder. Now short of the instant BFF thing happening, it takes alot more to develop a friendship, for starters there are more people involved. Not only do I have to get along with this person, but my husband does too, and not only does she have to get along with me but her husband does too. We often talk about the 4 way connection required just for two couples to feel comfortable swinging together, but if you want to actually develop a friendship then it requires an even deeper connection. Then take that a step further and include the fact that we're grownups and married and often have kids that take our time and that severely limits our time to really establish a friendship. And for many swinging couples they get so little time where they can go out and do things without the kids that they would prefer to take that limited time and go to a club/ house party/ social or hookup one on one, because that's the only chance they get to do those things.

We are like you, we'd love to meet some couples we could do all the other stuff with, but the reality is, we have a hard time getting our vanilla friends to find enough time to do those things.

So I guess all in all it boils down to, it's hard to make true friends as adults.

I guess Mr. Sweet and I are the odd ones out again. We have been very lucky to find friends through swinging that we can hang out with "vanilla style". Just a couple weeks ago, we hosted a vanilla party and the majority of the guests who showed up were swinger friends.

And I've made the Bff connection, too. Heaven knows I never expected it to happen via swinging, but I'm grateful that it has.

That said, I do understand the difficulty in finding a balance of how to spend your free time. Do you spend it with your family, your vanilla friends, your swing friends for vanilla stuff, or do you play?

But to the original question . .. I agree with the theory that you're better off not trying to be friends first when looking for playmates. We look for that "spark" first, and if it's meant to happen, the friendship will develop naturally.

=)

[bryanlee]

I wound not make friendship a requirement, but i would say that being friendly is one. If i became friends with someone it would not be because that is what i set out to do, but more likely because i chose someone who i enjoyed talking to and felt comfortable with.

[meandu2gether]

This has helped me out tremendously...lol THANK for all the helpful advice! Looks like daddy and I have some more conversations that need to take place before our first party.

[JoCoCpl]

Wow -- what a great thread! Thanks, everyone! I have a feeling that we will be reading stuff on this website all night. Glad we discovered it!!

[HisnHersnYours]

Im subscribing to this thread, lots of good points. I would have to agree with OP that for us there is somewhat of a friendship that has to happen before playing. Personally, attraction is not all about looks and i do need to be attracted to someone first. i dont expect to be best friends or even lifelong friends but in order for me to desire someone physically i need to get to know them personally. maybe that isnt the norm for this lifestyle but its working for us. Great post.

[MIbbwcpl]

5. Being 'friends first'
Ok this is a biggie. So you are expecting to meet people you have never seen in your life before, for sex, but first you will strike up a friendship relationship, so you feel comfortable having sex later? Good luck. I won't call it impossible for this to work out, but just like waiting for the super models to call you, its going to be a rare one. Making new friends can be hard enough, but doing it with the underlying 'tension' of swinging is just damn near impossible. If the sex aspect is 'out of the way' you have a much better chance of being friends later. Rather then looking for friends first, look for the kind of people you could be friends with.

Where was this when we started? lol Really could have used that advice then!

[oakridgecouple]

A question about #4. As a couple we are "newbies". Is it wrong to expect someone to woo her in advance of a MFM? or at least a little effort? Obviously we had a not so great experience the other night. All we ask is that you try to make her want to be with you. Maybe, just maybe, when you get yourself a beer, offer to fill her pint as well.....

We are not looking for freebies, nor would we ever "milk" a potential playmate. We ended this meeting very quickly seeing it was going to go nowhere.

In my opinion a woman who is confident enough to express herself sexually and enjoy life this way, is deserving of a little effort....(and being an incredible piece of ass don't hurt )

Oh, and when i went to pay our tab, his drink was on there as well.........

Sorry if it sounds like we complaining a bit here, are we off base?

thanks,

[Chicup]

Originally Posted by oakridgecouple

A question about #4. As a couple we are "newbies". Is it wrong to expect someone to woo her in advance of a MFM? or at least a little effort? Obviously we had a not so great experience the other night. All we ask is that you try to make her want to be with you. Maybe, just maybe, when you get yourself a beer, offer to fill her pint as well.....

We are not looking for freebies, nor would we ever "milk" a potential playmate. We ended this meeting very quickly seeing it was going to go nowhere.

In my opinion a woman who is confident enough to express herself sexually and enjoy life this way, is deserving of a little effort....(and being an incredible piece of ass don't hurt )

Oh, and when i went to pay our tab, his drink was on there as well.........

Sorry if it sounds like we complaining a bit here, are we off base?

thanks,

By 'woo' I didn't mean just being nice and common social interaction, but couples who expect to be somehow seduced into swinging. I've spoken with newbie couples who expect us to somehow convince them to swing, with us, as if they were playing hard to get.

[oakridgecouple]

Understood, chicup. We definitely do not expect to be seduced into swinging or sex. We are there for a reason, afterall.

Anywho, we have had lots of fun and are looking forward to many more great experiences to cum...

[SandJinVT]

My first thought was, where was this thread years ago when we started in the Lifestyle? It would have prevented a LOT of mistakes and missteps.

It also would have prevented us from getting into the mess of dating swingers. While we love to develop friendships with folks we swing with (and we've got close friends, many of them, who are swingers with whom we haven't had sex), the friendships have never developed BEFORE the sex, only after. Its all the more fun when, after the sex, vanilla activities commence. A huge mistake that a lot of newbies make is not making their intentions clear to another couple, especially a veteran couple.

You should know within a few minutes of meeting someone whether you are attracted or not. It is chemistry and doesn't require a lot of thought process. If you want to see them a couple of times after that, and they agree that this is what they want also, fine. But in most cases, if the chemistry is there, the other couple is going to want to play. Sooner, not later.

Be clear on your profile. Don't say "we're testing the waters" or "we're trying to broaden our horizons". Use that as a tag line, and use your profile to examine what you want, and where your limitations are. We are not a "meet and play" couple. We always meet first in a vanilla location, usually sharing a meal. Then, if the chemistry is right, the next "date" is play. We've had newbies show up for that second date, despite the fact that we've made it clear that it is a "play date", wanting to spend time going shopping, or maybe another meal, with no play involved. Their intentions weren't clear until they showed up, which left us disappointed.

And please don't lead people on. If you aren't ready to play, you aren't ready. Make those intentions clear to the other couple. Yes, I know it is difficult to discuss sex out in the open, but that is what is required by this lifestyle. If you aren't able to say exactly what you want, the rest of us won't know.

And one last thing (I can hear it now, isn't she done yet? lol). Waiting until very late to play is a no-no. We, and a lot of other swingers we know, will NOT seduce you. We presume that you are there because, like us, you want sex. If you are just waiting for someone else to start the action, get up and give the male half of the other couple a big kiss. It is bound to heat up after that! Mrs SandJ

[slevin]

Always follow your gut. We ignored our gut feelings a couple of times early on and it was a mistake; the only times we ran into drama was when we ignored our gut. Unfortunately it took us a few dramafied times before we figured it out, I think I'm a little slow on the uptake

On the no-kissing thing: thats definitely not a rule and I wouldn't recommend it to anyone (new or not). If that is what works for you then go for it, but no-kissing was never an option for us. Katrina loves to kiss and it just seems so silly to not kiss when you're going to be giving someone oral sex or you'll be fucking them. Doesn't make sense to us, but it works for some people so I think that is a personal choice rather than a "newbie rule".

[2aussies]

From our limited experience, I would advise not to change rules on the run. Stick to your rules during playtime, then discuss any changes afterwards when you are alone.

[SnowwwWhite]

This is such a great thread.

My experience might be interesting to newbies who are wondering about whether they should go the "friends first" route.

Before I'd been in a swinging situation I expected that I would HAVE to get to know the couple and believe they were someone who I could potentially be friends with before even considering playing with them. I was so adamant about that! I couldn't envision myself in a "slutty one-night stand" and I guess I thought that getting to know someone would erase all the fear, guilt, and risk. That's how I've always been with vanilla sex/relationships so I figured that's the way I should keep behaving.

But what I found was that I actually preferred no strings attached. We flitted around the whole evening, talking to lots of couples here and there. We didn't spend any time with the couple we ended up playing with... just had a chance to exchange a few sentences with them early in the night. Later on when they saw us playing with each other on a bed in the play area they asked to join in. It was as simple as that. We had a great time, the experience was intense. I don't remember their names and I'm glad we didn't exchange numbers. If I saw them again I'd immediately recognize them and be friendly with them, but I don't have any desire to hear their life story, meet them outside the club, or seek out a relationship.

I think ultimately my desire to not have a poly relationship overcame my aversion for one-night stands. I guess I worry that having a protracted friendship opens the door for something more complicated, and that's not what I want.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by Willing29

not really, i think we know what is aceptable to us. I was really looking for other LS'ers comments on what THEY did wrong. You know, sort of learning from their experiences.

Our primo lessons learned: carry a playbag with all the things you think you might need...which includes more than one condom per couple. And in accordance with that, no changing rules during playtime.

We also had a whole list of rules before we actually swung and we talked for months about them. When we finally got around to playing the only one left was 'use condoms'. You can't plan for every contingency/scenario, so don't try to. The less rules, the more likely boundaries won't be overstepped. Because seriously, if things are getting hot and heavy and the kissing rule gets tossed out the window because someone gets caught up in the moment, then someone's feelings are going to get hurt b/c a rule was broken.

I did link to your Swing Lifestyle profile from the SB, but was unable to find it when doing a search when I logged in. Why did I look? Well to see how your profile is worded, plus to see if the f of the couple was listed as bi- or bi-curious. And if so, does the kissing rule apply there as well? That's just curiosity on my part. Sometimes I'm just nosy.

But as long as you are on the same page and can agree, that's great. I also like the other posters notes about going with your gut feelings. They can be a wonderful guide.

Good luck, have fun!