Right way to deal with someone just grabbing my wife?

[cupl4fun]

Okay, well we're back. We had lots of fun and learned lots. If you want the whole story check out our "any last advice" thread. But I do have a question. After we played with a couple at the club I was getting dressed while my wife was changing the sheets and this drunk old man just grabbed my wife and started trying to make out with her. My wife just stood there shocked. When I got over there the guy kind of panicked and left. I asked Mrs. Cupl if she had wanted that and she said no. I had to control myself not to freak out and hurt the dude. We told the people at the front and they asked if she had said no which she hadn't even had the chance to do. The folks from the club just said things were a little different at their club. Here's the question are these kind of events common? Will we have to deal with these things a lot? And if it does happen how should I respond?

[VegasLee]

No was the first thing that should have been said quickly but you are new to that scene and is understandable.

You did the right thing about telling the club manager about it. They did wrong by not doing anything about it right then.

There is no excuse for that. That happens at our club and the guy is shown the door within seconds.

Personally we would not go back to a club that handles like they did.

As far as what you should do. First thing, tell the guy no and ask him to leave you alone. Don't ever get physical with someone in a club and best to not cause a scene either. Get security or a manager and tell them right when it happens. Don't wait until you are leaving later in the night or a hour later. Help the good clubs help you by taking care of matters right away.

Most good clubs do not allow those type of actions. You have to remember that at any club, they see many people each week and it is hard to judge everyone that walks in the door. Things to happen at times but they can only be handled if you let the right people know about it.

As soon as that club said "were a little different at their club" we would have been out of there. There is no excuse for allowing people to step over lines like that.

Don't ever get to the point you want to "hurt the dude". That will also get you tossed out of a club and rightfully so. Let the people that run the place do their job and if they don't, leave and don't go back.

Over all, you did right, they did wrong. Don't go there.

I would also go to the club section of this web site and write a review of that club, what happened and how they did not handle it.

[JustAskJulie]

I really don't understand their reply " things are a little different" at their club.

Lee is right, she should have said no, but he should not have just grabbed and groped either. This will happen when people are drunk and you just kind of have to learn to deal with it (unfortunately) and most importantly learn to say no.

When this happens to me, I just back away and push them off (walk away if possible). That's a pretty good no, often I combine that with a very sarcastic "um, no thanks" as I'm moving/backing away.

I would have asked the club owners what they meant by their comment. Because if things are just allowed to go on without anyone saying anything to someone like that... then I'd be hesitant to return.

[MapleSwingers]

You can always show your displeasure by never coming back to that club...that's what we would do. How the hell can they justify this happening just because your wife did not say no? At the very least, the accused should have been taken aside by the club owners. I like Julie's answer: Back away, push them off while adding a very sarcastic "um, no thanks" - classic!

[cupl4fun]

Yeah um, we definitely won't go back there for lot's of reasons. But this is the biggest reason.

[Chris&Amelia]

Yeah, this sounds like the type of place I wouldn't want to go to. One of the cardinal rules of swinging is "No means No". Kinda hard to say no when people just grab you.

I personally always ask for permission before I touch. Nobody has never told me no, but still I ask. It's also a respect thing as well.

[funcpl4life]

This gives me the golly-wobbles. I just can't imagine acting like that.
With women, I generally avoid initiating touch. I tend to offer a left hand palm up and cradled. This is a purposefully awkward touch that they can withdraw quickly or slide to something more permanent. If just the right circumstances brew up, I'll offer an arm for them to take. (It can be really hokey or really sweet, gotta catch the moment.) After that, the dance is pretty easy and familiar.
If I *have* to initiate touch with a woman, it's usually either the very point of the shoulder, the elbow or the back of the hand. All four fingers are placed softly, removed after a full second and followed by immediate eye contact and conversation.
This all seems very elaborate, but it falls under "how to be non-threatening when you are big and scary-looking".

When touched inappropriately, I usually resort to "the stink eye" first. Looking reproachfully at the spot where I am being/was touched and then at the toucher. If this doesn't elicit the "burned finger" drawback or a very bashful look within a second or so, I'll resort to "do you want to take that back", "is that yours", "parden you" or other humorous version of "no". Lack of immediate response generates a very stiff "no thank you" and my own burned finger drawback. Any acknowledgement at this point and it's over and walkawaynodrama. If all of this fails, I return the offending body part to its owner (well 'cause I can) and notify significant other, friend, security, responsible party. (this has happened outside of swinging, too) They are obviously incapable of understanding their own actions. (drama can be minimized but is unavoidable at this point)
I'm not a real touch-me-not and I'm not all that hot and I'm a guy. If this happens enough to *me* for me to have a plan, shouldn't everyone?
Mr. FC4L

[screaminggood]

Wow! I'm surprised the club responded that way, too! But as I told you, we've never been to that club. Next time you're in town, try the 13th Floor---they regularly walk through the rooms to ensure that their guests are happy and safe. And we've been there are on the nights they ask unruly men to leave. Don't let one bad club manager dissuade you; just vote with your feet. And thanks for letting the rest of us know so we won't go to the first club either!

[RDfnd]

We only had one experience in a club when D was followed to the ladies room and upon exit, grabbed and kissed by a stranger. She was a bit shaken, but we went to the club staff that was very attentive and the issue was resolved swiftly.

[LikeMinds321]

Since this was your first club experience I'm sure shock first set in and paralyzed the Mrs. when the guy grabbed your wife. Don't be hard on yourselves for not doing something immediately to let him know he was way out of line. Now that you've experienced this you'll be on the look out for these type of occurences and you'll be better able to handle them in the future.

Grabbers can surprise us at any time. I like to handle these situations myself, and MrLM knows that. I think you'll both find that if Mrs cupl4fun lets guys know where she stands with a guy's advice you'll never have to step into the situation to resuce her. I also think men are too likely to think it's your problem, and that your wife may have been okay with the grab, had you not stepped in. Some grabbers can think it's the husbands "problem" as in a jealousy issue, when it's not that at all. For this reason I like to let men know when I'm not pleased with something they've done. They get the message instantly. Also, you won't always be right there to assist your wife, all the more reason that she take charge and take care of these situations herself. She'll feel more empowered and you'll know she can handle herself.

LM

[fun4Ds]

[quote=cupl4fun;328956]

The folks from the club just said things were a little different at their club. Here's the question are these kind of events common? Will we have to deal with these things a lot? And if it does happen how should I respond?

I don't understand if it was the owners or hosts that told you that things are a little different here ? I would have had to ask more at that point. I think LikeMinds gave a clear idea about how your wife could have been more forward with her response. Women can be caught off guard and have to realize their control and actual power upon unwanted advancements. Its obvious that the man got the point. He new he was not welcome and by that, I would say you both acted accordingly. You did the right thing.

For the most part no, this isn't common. But we have to realize some people try to make advancements. Having a stern voice and showing a lack of appreciation is best when dealing with someone intoxicated. But we have had one guy that was sober do the same. After Mrs.fun put her hand up, I spoke up and said Thats Enough !! He apologized and said he was just so overwhelmed he couldn't help himself. Look, I let it go. We are in this for fun and good times as well. So no need to take things farther than needed. Most men who catch on that not only my wife isn't interested, then see that I am there for back up, get in line pretty quick. Mrs.fun learned her power and control like I say from basically the same experience you had. It took some understanding after the initial shock but reflexes are improved as we venture out.

We hope you can see that this is not common, but should be dealt with positively. We have no problem reporting unwanted advancements. Most people in any club would be at your side anytime things get out of hand. Never feel passive to others, its not necessary. Enjoy or leave is our motto.

[MapleSwingers]

Originally Posted by VegasLee

I would also go to the club section of this web site and write a review of that club, what happened and how they did not handle it.

Yes, reviews are a good thing...make sure to mention that they do things a little differently there (whatever that means lol).

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

I think you'll both find that if Mrs cupl4fun lets guys know where she stands with a guy's advice you'll never have to step into the situation to resuce her.

LM

I came back too late to edit that first post of mine and the mispelled word "advice" may be confusing people.

I was thinking "advances" and that's what I thought I typed but made the typo.

LM

[cupl4fun]

We'll definitely right a review so others will know.

[SweetandSalty1]

Wow that sounds like a very uncomfortable situation. I def. would not go back to a club like that. Sounds like you handled things the right way.