Not sure if I am in the right place.....

[pearlgirl]

I've spent a lot of time reading these forums and I have to say that I've found a tremendous amount of information here.

My partner and I like to tell each other stories...most of which include playing with other people together. I've never done this before, yet he has...which feels like a great thing to me. Because he already knows what's what.

I'd like to post questions, but I am afraid of offending anyone, because he and I are married to other people. We've been together now for 5 years and the relationship is as if we are actually married.

If someone could either give me the go ahead to post or point me to a fourm where I'd fit better....I'd appreciate it I could really use the support.

Thanks

[JustAskJulie]

Pearlgirl, if you've been reading here a while then you probably know the questions I'm about to ask.

You are married to other people, do those other people know about your relationship with each other? if not, then you are cheating and honestly you probably won't find yourself welcomed with open arms here. Perhaps you may want to fill us in on what the circumstances of this relationship are.

[pearlgirl]

Yes, our spouses know we have over people in our lives. We are both currently seperated but residing still with our spouses. Or marriages failed way before we came into each other's lives and our divorces will both be final by the end of the summer

[sweet_tna]

Welcome, pearlgirl. Feel free to post any questions you like here. Just read the forum descriptions to see which one fits the topic best, and post there.

=)

[sexcupid]

I'm with Julie. Please better define your relationship.

You state you have been together 5 years with this person. Are you legally separated and just haven't gone through with actual divorces with your respective spouses or are you just carrying on a long term affair?

After reading here (and most any other resource/book to deal with the swinging topic) you will find that many swingers do not want to deal with cheaters. Some don't care either way b/c they feel it's not their problem, but many others don't want to deal with it.

I would encourage you to post...however, keep in mind the previous statement about swingers and cheaters and have a thick skin for some of the replies you may recieve.


Maria

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by pearlgirl

Yes, our spouses know we have over people in our lives. We are both currently seperated but residing still with our spouses. Or marriages failed way before we came into each other's lives and our divorces will both be final by the end of the summer

thank you for clarifying as it does make a HUGE difference. I am curious as to why if you are legally seperated from your spouses and divorces are almost final why you are both still living with your (soon to be) former spouses?

That aside, please make yourself at home and ask any questions you have.

[pearlgirl]

I don't want to offend anyone at all. If anyone feels they could offer me support, please pm me. I'll definately come back and post once our divorces are final

And to answer your question. For him it's a battle of wits on who is leaving the house (it's ugly). For me it's a financial/child care issue.

[JustAskJulie]

understandable. IMO, once the papers are filed people are divorced... the only thing lacking is the legal paperwork. The fact that you are both still living with the exes does definately add a level of ...for lack of better word... DRAMA ... that a lot of people in the swinging world will want to avoid.

In addition to that, your spouses already have enough ammo to use against you in that you started your relationsihp together before you seperated from them (legally) I wouldn't if I were you give them more ammo to use by initiating swinging before the divorce is final. If they got wind of that it could harm you greatly. I've seen a few situations posted here where it caused major issues even after the divorces were final when a partner found out and tried to use it to get custody, etc.

IMO, There is no need to go away and come back after things are final. You are welcome to stay and ask any questions you have/ seek support here in the forums. I think you will find that most people will be understanding, but at the same time they will be blatently honest (both now and later).

[pearlgirl]

Thank you

I've done a ton of reading on here and have learned alot. Communication being the big key to great fun. And I feel lucky in that we do have great communication.

We have become very close to two girlfriends of mine and the direction of it has gotten very heavy with sexual overtones. I am confident that we will be playing together on a trip we are all taking in a month

He was very involved in swinging and group sex. I am a COMPLETE novice (but an excited novice at that)

I just don't understand a few things....

for one, I've expressed some concerns and while he's been amazing at boosting my ego and making me feel as secure as possible....that's not really what I am looking for. To me...he's not really addressing my concerns and answering any questions I have. He seems to feel that my concerns and questions....tell him that this is not for me. That this is just for the fun and thrill. It's something that may only occur rarely....and that I am overthinking it and analyzing it. Maybe he's right, maybe he's not. So how do I know if this is right for me or not? I will say that I think (and get off to) playing as a group, very often.

We've all been out together fairly often, recently......and he will flirt with one of the girls a lot. I don't feel jealousy...because I know what's what, but I do feel on the sidelines because I really don't know how to "be" during this flirting. He also says that if I am feeling 'on the sidelines" it's my own fault and while he can try to include me on the flirting (and he does try). I have to to get off the bench. Because of our situations, I feel a little bit like I still have to be somewhat discreet in public..and I feel like I can't really be the me I am with him in public as I am with him in private. I can be out with him whenever I want....but I shouldn't be all over him or anyone else.

Any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

[JustAskJulie]

Originally Posted by pearlgirl

for one, I've expressed some concerns and while he's been amazing at boosting my ego and making me feel as secure as possible....that's not really what I am looking for. To me...he's not really addressing my concerns and answering any questions I have. He seems to feel that my concerns and questions....tell him that this is not for me. That this is just for the fun and thrill. It's something that may only occur rarely....and that I am overthinking it and analyzing it. Maybe he's right, maybe he's not. So how do I know if this is right for me or not? I will say that I think (and get off to) playing as a group, very often.

What are the concerns that you are expressing to him? He may be sensing that your concerns come from a place of self-doubt or a fear that he doesn't love you enough so his way of trying to overcome those is by trying to boost your ego. In the end, only YOU know if swinging is right for you.

We've all been out together fairly often, recently......and he will flirt with one of the girls a lot. I don't feel jealousy...because I know what's what, but I do feel on the sidelines because I really don't know how to "be" during this flirting. He also says that if I am feeling 'on the sidelines" it's my own fault and while he can try to include me on the flirting (and he does try). I have to to get off the bench. Because of our situations, I feel a little bit like I still have to be somewhat discreet in public..and I feel like I can't really be the me I am with him in public as I am with him in private. I can be out with him whenever I want....but I shouldn't be all over him or anyone else.

I think given your situation you are right to be very discreet in public (more so than most). Also, while it is up to you to get involved in the flirting too... one question, are you bi? If not, then it is normal that you would not be flirting with her and even more normal that you might feel left on the sidelines. Is your talk of playing only with single females or inclusion of couples as well?

Just because he has swung in his past (or says he has - that's another question altogether) doesn't mean that he has a handle on things or knows what is what when it comes to the two of you and swinging. Every relationship is different and yours comes with a very intense set of baggage. It is understandable that going into this you might both have some fear and jealousy issues since you both got involved in this relationship while you were still with other people (there is always going to be some fear that if he/you did this on your ex then might you not do it to each other).

[pearlgirl]

Well for instance...I asked him about his first experience. Fantasies in my head are different than what reality brings. I wanted to know what his first experience was like. Was it spontaneous....was it awhile in the making? I asked him that so that I could go then go into other questions. Was it was he expected? Better? Less than better? Did he feel anything emotionally off, like jealousy? I asked the first question..and I was met with "you are over thinking and analyzing". How is sharing...overthinking?

I have concerns about afterwards...feelings. I have concerns about things I am not sure I'd be comfy with...right away. All over thinking to him.

I also have concerns that one girlfriend thinks this is about her getting laid and not really so much a group playdate. But then again...because of my "being in the sidelines"...I have nothing to base it on. I could get ny ass off the bench and find out that concern is a zero.

I'm not bi. I am very sexual and I have ALWAYS wanted to experience being with a woman as well as mutliple hands, mouths and body parts

And your question about it just being single females or couples. It's funny...I've expressed to him often that I'd love to be with a male/female couple. Today I mentioned to him that one of these single girlfriends has a FB for when she's not dating someone steady. I was saying how I should see if she'd be up for including him in our play.

He got very defensive about that, despite the fact that he has played as a couple, with couples. Something tells me that he is so perfectly sure and confident in the potential arrangement we have.....but if a man were added to the mix...HE would be the one with concerns and questions.

[JustAskJulie]

I definately sense some red flags (more than were already there). I do think that some of us put a lot more thought into these things than others and we might be "overthinking" things a little. But that doesn't mean that if you ask a question you shouldn't get an answer and you should.

As to the question about the single females intentions that question is best asked to her.

The fact that you are feeling left out and he is not willing to consider a couple, throws up major red flags in regards to whether or not this is something he is really ready to do, or really moreso to what his intentions are out of this. It sounds to me like maybe he's into this a lot more for what HE can get than what you can get as a couple. If he were in it for the latter he'd at least try to answer your questions.

one thing to keep in mind when asking questions about his past experiences, the further away we get from those experiences the harder it is to remember the details of how we felt or what went through our minds. As we move on the more recent is what stays. i find this to be a common thing here on the board as those of us who are further away from being newbies have a much harder time putting ourselves in their shoes and remembering how they felt at the time. So part of it may not be that he doesn't want to answer your questions but that he can't.

[sexcupid]

Originally Posted by JustAskJulie

As we move on the more recent is what stays. i find this to be a common thing here on the board as those of us who are further away from being newbies have a much harder time putting ourselves in their shoes and remembering how they felt at the time. So part of it may not be that he doesn't want to answer your questions but that he can't.

I can agree with this to an extent. However, most folks can and do remember first experiences. They tend to make a larger impression than subsequent experiences. For example, the first time you had sex...ever, with someone, or in a group experience.

I do agree that some of his reactions and statements described by the OP do throw up the flags and make it seem that he's taking her enthusiasm for adding some of her friends to the mix and running with it. It is more of a 'this is great for me!' vibe I get from her statements.

Originally Posted by pearlgirl

Well for instance...I asked him about his first experience. Fantasies in my head are different than what reality brings. I wanted to know what his first experience was like. Was it spontaneous....was it awhile in the making? I asked him that so that I could go then go into other questions. Was it was he expected? Better? Less than better? Did he feel anything emotionally off, like jealousy? I asked the first question..and I was met with "you are over thinking and analyzing". How is sharing...overthinking?

Ok, sometimes conversations don't go the way we have them planned out in our minds. So just because he doesn't answer the questions in the order you would like to ask them or expect him to, try not to let that stonewall you. So he doesn't want to answer if it was a spontaneous or planned event. Move on to your next question...and just say, 'I'm curious because I want to know what you thought of it. Did you just kind of go with the flow or did you have mental prep time?' or something.

I have concerns about afterwards...feelings. I have concerns about things I am not sure I'd be comfy with...right away. All over thinking to him.

Valid concerns.

I also have concerns that one girlfriend thinks this is about her getting laid and not really so much a group playdate. But then again...because of my "being in the sidelines"...I have nothing to base it on. I could get ny ass off the bench and find out that concern is a zero.

What does he want you do to to 'get off the bench'? Are you just sitting back and not participating in the conversation in general? I would just ask her what she expects or outline what you would like to happen and see if she is ok with that. If you aren't bi...but based on your statements you might be a bit bi-curious (not sure, but want to try). A FMF can just involve the 2 girls teaming up on the guy and not necessarily interacting. If she's not bi or bi-curious, that may be why she is under the impression that it's a one on one playtime....again, just tell her what you have in mind.

He got very defensive about that, despite the fact that he has played as a couple, with couples. Something tells me that he is so perfectly sure and confident in the potential arrangement we have.....but if a man were added to the mix...HE would be the one with concerns and questions.

Flag is on the field! Repeat first down!

Seriously, I am an equal opportunity player. As in what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

But I'm also a bit stubborn and would take the offer of playtime off the table if he isn't willing to discuss your concerns and/or desires (which it seems he is willing to discuss those as long as there are only other women involved).


Maria

[sweet_tna]

I asked him about his first experience. Fantasies in my head are different than what reality brings. I wanted to know what his first experience was like. Was it spontaneous....was it awhile in the making? I asked him that so that I could go then go into other questions. Was it was he expected? Better? Less than better? Did he feel anything emotionally off, like jealousy? I asked the first question..and I was met with "you are over thinking and analyzing". How is sharing...overthinking?

You're not overthinking, IMO. You're trying to get a grasp of what it might be like and trying to figure out how you feel about this stuff. Important questions to ask, and ones he should answer for you if he really wants the swinging part of your relationship (any part of it, really) to work.

I'm not bi. I am very sexual and I have ALWAYS wanted to experience being with a woman as well as mutliple hands, mouths and body parts

While not fully bi, I'd say you're at least bi-curious (which is about where I am).

And your question about it just being single females or couples. It's funny...I've expressed to him often that I'd love to be with a male/female couple. Today I mentioned to him that one of these single girlfriends has a FB for when she's not dating someone steady. I was saying how I should see if she'd be up for including him in our play.

He got very defensive about that, despite the fact that he has played as a couple, with couples. Something tells me that he is so perfectly sure and confident in the potential arrangement we have.....but if a man were added to the mix...HE would be the one with concerns and questions.

That sends up red flags for me, too. As I said, you should be able to get these questions answered by him. Even if the answer is, "I don't really remember exactly how I felt." Trust your gut, and keep talking to him. You should BOTH be able to enjoy this experience.

=)

[pearlgirl]

LOL on the first down Thanks for that laugh.

We are going out with one of the girlfriends tonight. My partner has pretty much taken command of everything....meaning he does all the talking and inquiring and flirting (she flirts right back too). I've just been quiet on the sidelines in the flirting honetly. I realize that if I want to get okay with the situation (because for some reason he seems to be emotionally stunted in the present time. I would almost like him NOT to come out tonight so that I can get some banter and possible flirting in with just her. Geta handle on this myself and with this support forum. I am not sure what she thinks could transpire...but I don't think I am going to find that out with him there tonight.

I think I need to get more grounded on this, by myself right now......because all I keep hearing from him is this should just be a FUN thing. Yeah well, no kidding.......but he knows what's what in being with other people...I don't (yet).