New to Idea of Swinging

[BunnyRabbit]

Hello, I am new here having just found this site in doing a search of the web. I am in a very strong relationship with the love of my life and we plan to spend the future together regardless of if swinging is ever a permanent part of our relationship. I am trying to be open minded about this whole issue and am not opposed to swinging but do have concerns. I have no problem with the morality of it, and the idea of it does turn me on, my concerns are more of jealousy and fear, frankly it scares me a bit. I literally feel of two minds about this neither really winning but both pulling in opposite directions. I am a jealous person and I just don't know how I will feel seeing my SO with another person sexually. I know he would never leave me and he reassures me of this but I don't know how I wil feel after seeing him have sex with someone else. We have discussed possibly doing it in seperate rooms rather than in the same room but I think that would just eat me up not being able to know what was happening. I fear how I will feel about things if I get jealous and worry that it might effect our relationship. We have talked about things that I wouldn't want to see him do with the other person as they are special to our relationship. But there may be things I didn't think of ahead of time or things I don't think will bother me but end up bothering me. At this point I have agreed to try this at some future date (not too far off but not right now) once or twice and if I am not comfortable my SO has said we will never do it again. But I still am struggling with this fear and thought posting here may give me some additional help as we work through my insecurities. BTW we talk constantly (about this and everyting else) so communicatin is good and he is in no way rushing me and is VERY patient with my questions and discussions on this (and any other) subject even when I repeat the same fear everytime.

Thanks for your responses,
Bunny Rabbit

[JustAskJulie]

First off, Welcome to the board Bunny Rabbit.

Fear of jealousy is a pretty normal and common issue when people examine whether or not swinging is something that they want to do. The important thing to get past that is to be comfortable with the situation. You are on the right track by talking with your SO about your fears and discussing even possible ways to quell your fears. I would make a few suggestions. I don't think the idea of seperate room is a good answer to the jealousy issue, in fact I think the worry of jealousy is the worst reason to play in seperate rooms. If you can't take seeing it happen in front of you then it shouldn't be happening in the next room either (IMO).

We have talked about things that I wouldn't want to see him do with the other person as they are special to our relationship. But there may be things I didn't think of ahead of time or things I don't think will bother me but end up bothering me. At this point I have agreed to try this at some future date (not too far off but not right now) once or twice and if I am not comfortable my SO has said we will never do it again.

This is an excellent step you have taken. Knowing in advance what will bother you and setting that up as a "no" is a good thing. However, you have to be careful to not have too many things that are off limits or it can be very difficult to remember to stay within the lines once things get going. More important is to make sure that you both agree that you can stop at any point. If things start and you are not comfortable for whatever reason (or perhaps he decides he's not comfortable) then anyone has the option to stop things without fear of the otherone getting upset or feeling slighted.

Jealousy is a hard animal. If you are jealous by nature then you probably shouldn't swing, but we all have a bit of possessiveness of our SO, and we never really know just how much until we have the option to share them with someone else. It takes a lot of selfLESSness to share your partner with someone else.

[des1re06]

I can understand your fears, even though I'm not a jealous person, because it's unknown.

Can you separate sex from emotions?

Swinging is just sex; Polyamory is emotional.

Are you willing to share his penis (all wrapped up in a condom) and/or tongue?

In the very beginning, I had to think of it that way. Body parts is all I'm sharing. I have his heart, mind and soul.

Read and communicate alot.

Good luck and have fun!

Mrs. D

[LikeMinds321]

Originally Posted by BunnyRabbit

We have talked about things that I wouldn't want to see him do with the other person as they are special to our relationship.

Hi Bunny Rabbit ~

Welcome to the Board.

Your concerns are not unusual and addressing them is the smart thing to do.

You said that you don't you want to see your SO doing certain things with another woman? What are those things?

I ask because if you have too many limits it could make your first attempts at swinging difficult unless you find a couple/single who is willing to abide by your guidelines.

How long have you and your SO been together in a monogomous relationship?

Whose idea was it to try swinging, and what were the reasons given to try it?

LM

[sweet_tna]

It's good to know you're talking and taking this slow. That's a very good sign. Concern over potential feelings of jealousy seems to be fairly common, and that you acknowledge them is a good thing. I'm not sure I'd recommend separate rooms, since that could add fuel to that little green fire. You need to know what your honey is doing and feel comfortable with that before taking that step, IMO.

You might start with baby steps, by going to a club and talking to other couples. Does it bother you to see him flirt with another woman? Are you okay with them touching each other (even casually)?

Make sure you talk about your boundaries before you actually play with another couple. It's essential that you two decide--together what you'll be comfortable with. And stick to those boundaries during that first encounter. You can always adjust them later. Most couples find that as they get more comfortable in the lifestyle, they need to adjust those boundaries.

Best of luck to ya'll!

=)

[interested-05]

welcome and best wishes to your happiness.
My wife and i have taken this real slow, and are progresing one tiny step at a time. we've been together 4 years and last weekend had our 2nd playdate. the first was a few months ago which was purely voyeuristic and this weekend we stepped it up to same bed w/the other couple and were ok with light touching and caressing the other couple as well as them touching us. No oral or intercourse just a fair amount of foreplay. we were both surprised how normal and natural the eroticism and sexuality of it felt. My wife is still not prepared for full swap which is ok with me. If it goes beyond soft sexplay, it will be someday in the future, we have no desire to rush just a love of sex that we can share with each other.
we have done a lot of talking, sharing fantasies, been to an offpremises club, which was a nice intro because there was no pressure to have sex with anyone, yet let us get a feel of what swingers were like, and that we were ok with what we were doing.
we had met several couples through sls, and a meet and greet before we found a couple we were ready to spend more than simply dinner with.
We went through the fear of possible jealousy to feeling now that this is good, natural, and really appreciate what we have as a couple. Being able to share our deepest desires w/o fear of rejection by the perso we love most.

[BunnyRabbit]

Hello,

Thank you for your posts and here is some answers to a couple questions that the LikeMinds321 asked.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

You said that you don't you want to see your SO doing certain things with another woman? What are those things?

The things that I a uncomfortable wth are thing that my SO is not really comfortable doing often with me, and so if he did them with the other couple that would bother me. He agrees that the issues as to why we don't do them often would make it such that he wouldn't wantto do them with the other couple, but reality is different and so I am still a bit worried that in the heat of the moment. My SO says there woul have to be "quite a bit of heat in that moment" but that just makes me worry more since if it happened that would bring up more issues beween us. He says that it is so unlikely to happen that the likelyhood is essentially nill.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

How long have you and your SO been together in a monogomous relationship?

A year spent 24/7 together, andI mean 24/7 as we both don't have jobs outside the home. We are extremely close emotionally much closer than many couples that we know that hav been together for many years.

Originally Posted by LikeMinds321

Whose idea was it to try swinging, and what were the reasons given to try it?

It was his suggestion but it came up naturally as part of a early conversation about our sexual wants, needs, and desires. It was shelved for awhile while our relationship matured but came up again recently when we had another of our frequent conversations on what we would like to do in the sexual arena in the future.

I appreciate everyones responses, and I don't know if this is going to be for us (because if it's not for me he is ok with that) but I do think at some point we will try it as I/we won't be sure untill we do. I just want to be as prepared as I can be and work through our issues ahead as much as possible. I hadn't really thought about him not being comfortable but I suppose that it is possible. We have decided that we will need to be very careful or cautious with who will be our firsts as we really want ppl that understand that we are new to it. I imagine I will not really know if this lifestyle is for me/us until we try it once or twice.

As to seperating sex and love, I think I can but then again I am not sure. I often have, in relationships, used the terms sex and make love interchangably but intllectually I believe I know the difference. I hope that this carries over to the actual act.

Anyway thank yall for your posts and I appreciate all your input and opinions.
Bunny Rabbit

[BunnyRabbit]

hi hi yall I'm the male half of BunnyRabbit (or Brabbit if yall need to differentiate) from what we talked about after the last post the issue is less one of jealousy yet more one of possessiveness so we were talking about how to overcome possessiveness not only within the relationship but in life as a general subject so i was wondering if yall had any opinions on how one might overcome possessiveness as a whole but mainly focused on relationships. Like she said not trying to rush the swinging thing were just trying to identify issues in advance so when/if the occasion does arise she is totally comfortable with the idea and can enjoy it to the fullest.
Thankee in advance,
Brabbit(M)

[Ellyanne77]

Wife here to respond to this with my experiences and hopefully it will help you out.
I have always been possessive of my hubby but in a good way i'd never go crazy on someone lol
When we started this I had the same concerns as I think all couples do....all those what if questions. We absolutely set up basic rules...and we have stuck by those rules they were very basic though. We say condoms, same room, and no one takes one for the team...last rule when either of us says slow down or stop for a while...we do!!
We haven't been in this for very long but right off the bat met a great couple that we were both so very attracted to that we moved extremely fast with those two. We couldn't wait to see them again etc etc and one thing lead to another etc etc. The next couple we met was also our type but this time we decided friends but maybe not more and we still talk to them all the time via email. Eventually maybe. We have chatted with several couples and have met others while out and about.
All that being said we started to miss our vanilla friends and they started missing us as well (we have been hanging out with this very tight group of friends for over 12 years and do everything together). We decided after last weekend to take a break from going out with our new friends to spend our time that we have without the kids with our vanilla friends for a month.
I think its good to have a break every now and then and just spend time together and not lose touch with your friends and family!!

Hope this helped you. Just take it slow. Do what you are comfortable with and enjoy it. You may be like us thinking you wouldn't do anything with another couple for months and then the next thing you know second date and you're in a hotel room with tongues and arms and legs all over each other (mmmm what a great night that was hehe).