For the wives: What finally made you decide to swing?

[Harold_N_Ann]

Ann and I have been talking about swinging for several years. Our sex life improved just because of the excitement talking about the fantasy produced. She admits she finds the idea of swinging, especially a mfm threesome, greatly erotic and exciting.

We have placed ads and chatted with a few couples on-line but when it finally comes to the decision point to acutally meet the other couple or even send photos, Ann backs out. She has said that shwe doesn't want to see me with anyone else. I have told her that that is fine. My primary desire is to watch her with other man in any case.

Were you initially reluctant or resistant to swinging? What was the thing which was most important in your decision to actually take the step to be with another man and watch your hisband with another woman?

Am I wasting my time? Should I just forget the idea or what? Do you have any advice?

Also, are there any out there who have negative things to say about swinging? I really would like to consider all points of view.

Thank you for any advice.

Harold of HaroldNAnn

[sexypairca]

Harold,

Have you considered that swinging might be a fantasy for Ann and possibly should be left that way. I am not implying that is the case but keep in mind that some people are much more turned on by the hypothetical act. Erotic yet safe. Obviously you know your wife better than any of us, what is your instinct? Is she usually reluctant to try new things? Is she possibly scared that she may lose you? Is she self conscious about herself and has to deal with that first? As you can see there are many possibilities that might need to be dealt with first.

To answer your question, no. I can't say that I was reluctant to swing. Nervous initially but I wanted to see hubby with someone else. My advise would be not to push her. If she truly wants to swing you will know. Rushing her will get you no where.

Just food for thought.

Annette

[Ang101]

I think at first it can be a little scary. No one wants to do something that could potentially hurt their marriage. When my hubby first brought up the subject, I said no way! I thought that I would have sex with another guy and then my hubby would freak out and leave me. But after alot of talking and quite a few times where I chickened out, it finally happened and it was great! I would say just be patient and talk to her about her feelings.

:evil:

[OhioCouple]

I agree with every thing said by Annette and Ang101. As the female half of this relationship we spent years talking about it another couple investigating it and how other people fared. It was very difficult for me to do so in the beginning as erotic as it all sounded I worried internally that it would ruin our marriage. What I have come to find out is that it has actually enhanced our marriage, not because we are having sex with other people, but because we are more open now in discussing ALL issues in our lives.

Give it time, don't rush it and if you can, get her to read this board. In all honesty this board is the one that helped me to take the "plunge" as I was the most reluctant one. Once I found that other people felt like I did it made taking that step much easier.

Lori

[d&dintn]

I have always been attracted to woman and would like to share that part of my sexualty with my husband. I think most women have fantasys about being with another woman, and I have had the oppertunity to have a threesom with an x husband I enjoyed it ,and would love to have the same with my newlywed blushing husband.

[LFM2]

Hi Harold,

It sounds like Ann is just a bit nervous. Also, keep in mind that Ann may really want to do this and seeing you with another person is just one of those nasty roadblocks she may have to overcome. Someone also mentioned that swinging may not be her forte and that's OK. Sometimes it's better left as a fantasy type of idea.

In our case, my husband was the one that got the talks going and it took me several months to even want to think about him with another person. For us, it took a LOT of talking. You can't even imagine how much talking it took. Of course, my first thought, when he brought up the idea of swinging, was that he was looking for a replacement. I'm not sure if Ann is having this same idea, but just thought. Like I said, it took a lot of talking to my husband about exactly what he was wanting. Of course, I was the one that did a lot of research. I found this board and read just about everything I could get my eyes on. You might have Ann read the threads in here and there is even a search button up above and she can search for the topics of her choice.

As it turns out for us, we've never had a MFM or FMF, but one of these days, we will. For now, we enjoy the couples we play with and when we played with our very first couple, it was so weird that there was absolutely NO jealousy among anyone. It's been that way ever since. Since the very first time, I've always known that he's always going to come home with me. Maybe Ann needs some reassurance that no matter what, you're going home with her. Good Luck!

[sereneiders]

Originally Posted by Harold_N_Ann

Ann and I have been talking about swinging for several years. Our sex life improved just because of the excitement talking about the fantasy produced. She admits she finds the idea of swinging, especially a mfm threesome, greatly erotic and exciting.

We have placed ads and chatted with a few couples on-line but when it finally comes to the decision point to acutally meet the other couple or even send photos, Ann backs out. She has said that shwe doesn't want to see me with anyone else. I have told her that that is fine...

Well, while the whole setting up for the swinging idea, while still being keept private, could be a great way to spice up things between you two, it may happen for her that this is all she wants. And it should be ok for you.

We often say "go at the peace of the slowest person involved", and my guts tells me you're trying to hurry her, that you may be being a little pushy.

Originally Posted by Harold_N_Ann

...My primary desire is to watch her with other man in any case.

Were you initially reluctant or resistant to swinging? What was the thing which was most important in your decision to actually take the step to be with another man and watch your hisband with another woman?

Am I wasting my time? Should I just forget the idea or what? Do you have any advice?

For my wife, it took 15 years from the time I bring the subject, to the time she was ready for it. And in the meanwhile, I never, ever, mentioned the subject again. She knew I had the fantasy, and that I was up to keep it as a fantasy for the rest of my life, just because her desires and her limits were more important to me than my own desires, and, ultimatelly, her awareness of my attitude along all those years make her confident enouth as to bring the subject back. At this point, she took the lead, the first meeting we had, happend because she said "let's go" without me asking for it to happen.

What I read so far was a lot of "my" and "I", you asked "Am I wasting my time?", as if this were an investment you're doing for a profit. Should your wife's guts reacts like mines just did, I'd undestand her reluctancy.

Notice that it doesn't care if what you want is to watch her with another guy. It doesn't care who's doing what to who, and who isn't (and just "watching"), what really cares is that this is YOUR desire, and so far, it doesn't seems to be HERS. Finding a fantasy "erotic and exciting" is way too far from wanting to bring the fantasy to life, so you cannot equiparate your desire for this to happen with her admition about an "erotic and exciting" idea.

It would be nice to hear you talk about "we", instead of "I". This is something requiring you two to be in the same page, in the same paragraph within that page, that you both wants to do. The sole fact that she backed out, without you having a clue of why, to the point of having to ask us the questions you'd be asking to your wife, proffs you two aren't in the same page. Perhaps, not even reading the same book.

It isn't you the one who have to figure out what makes a woman change her mind about this. My guts tells me that you ask this question in order to have a "tool" allowing you to impose your desires to her, i.e., to lead her toughts into "the right direction" as to convince her... without "wasting time" doing what you should do: talk with your wife, whil minimizing the risk of finding out an unwanted answer from your wife.

It is your wife the one who have to figure out if she really likes the idea, if you deserve the trust and confidence to face the risks swinging involves, if she have the desire to have another people than you in her bed, and this should be her exclusive, personal choice, without your lead.

Why don't you bring your wife to the forum, for her to feel free to discuss all of this and reach to her own conclussions?

Originally Posted by Harold_N_Ann

Also, are there any out there who have negative things to say about swinging? I really would like to consider all points of view.

Yes, however all the negative things are related to attemting to swing for the wrong reasons, when not being convinced enough, or when peing pushed or talked into it. Those are recipes for disaster, and because of this I pointed out the red flags I just saw.

[lwg8tr]

For me it was a little unorthodox. Most women that express an interest want to but are afraid to voice their true desires for all the reasons listed here. What got my wife over the “Fantasy” stage to actually doing it was well..doing it. Now this is not for everybody so take the advice for what it is worth . I perused SLS with wife on occasion. I met a nice cpl in a chat room from our area. I chatted with them for a while and one night I decided to tell the wife of me making their acquaintance. First she was a little shocked and dismissive of them. But she asked me where they lived, hobbies, etc. Well a few weeks went by and I asked the wife if she would like to meet them platonically.

She reluctantly agreed. We met them out for dinner with kids in tow and it went fabulously. They had a lot of the same interests and the conversation flowed. We met again by having them over for dinner. Still no pressure for sex or even discussing swinging. Just friendship. Well the wife started to include Mr. Other Couple in our pillow talk unsolicited. I didn’t push or try and manipulate the scenario. Months went by and the wife was now IMing both of the couple and talking quite routinely. The conversations became more racy and suggestive and all along the wife and I discussed. Finally one night while we were alone the wife suggested that a night of strip poker and “see what happens” would be fun. Well we planned it for a Saturday night and got very excited about it. Not to give you the gory details but the night went swimmingly and wife even though she just kissed and performed a little oral on Other hubby realized that I wasn’t leaving her and awful things weren’t going to happen. She is now more open and flirtatious than ever and the sex has been fantastic. Hope for full swap soon but going at the wife’s pace.

[newandexcited]

I know you directed this question at the wives but I'll drop my opinion here anyhow.
So, I'll let ya know I'm in the same boat you are and the best advice I can give is be patient. If your like me you are excited about the idea and that maybe leading you to inadvertently "push her". It doesn't make you a bad guy. People get excited. So what. But consider where she is right now. What you need to do is suggest she reads this board and then decide like I have to drop it. Don't drop it with the attitude that it will never happen oh poor me...just roll with where she is right now and let her be the one to move forward.
And I've had to prepare myself that she may never move forward but like you we have had a few very fun nights talking about the prospect of swinging. We've tried new things together that I believe we would never have tried without exploring this board. These are all great things. We're having fun, communicating quite frankly with each other and becoming closer than I thought possible. If for no other reason that makes our investigation of swinging a huge positive. I mean I love my wife and she's who I will grow old with and I believe you feel the same about your wife. So take the positive aspects that have come so far as a blessing. If more comes then outstanding...if not then that's fine too.
I believe when you look at it from this direction then you'll see that nothing you've done to investigate the lifestyle was a waste of time. You can't convince her to do it...and I don't believe your really trying to...you just didn't have a better way to ask. So take what all these people have said and mull it over a bit. I think you'll come to the conclusion that your marriage is probably better now than before you brought up swinging and if you really think on that you'll be happy with your journey.
Ok..I think I've said the same thing over and over enough so I'll stop babbling now.

[flkeyscouple]

Very well said, newandexcited! Great advise!

[Tybee Swing]

Originally Posted by Harold_N_Ann

We have placed ads and chatted with a few couples on-line but when it finally comes to the decision point to acutally meet the other couple or even send photos, Ann backs out. She has said that shwe doesn't want to see me with anyone else. I have told her that that is fine. My primary desire is to watch her with other man in any case.

Hi Harold,

I think it's premature, knowing how Ann feels, to be pursuing couples through ads/chat for swinging (especially full swap). As long as she isn't ready to see you with a woman, she's not ready to be meeting couples. By not saying to you straight out, "I don't want to talk to couples and I don't want to swing", she's being passive. Many women are passive about this stuff because they don't want to lose their husbands. They fear that their husband is going to go off on his own private tangent, sneak around on the 'net, etc. It's a legitimate fear - there are husbands who do this, if they can't get their wife to go along with them. I think that women who waffle (allow a profile, and contact up to a certain point but no follow-through) are trying to ride the fence between not wanting to disappoint you, and fearing that you'll leave or just sneak around. Bottom line, she's just not ready or willing to swing.

It sounds like perhaps the two of you have talked about MFM. Have the two of you considered looking just for MFM in a profile, instead of looking for couples? If Ann is actually interested in pursuing that in real life, of course.

Another option is to agree to be a "soft swing" couple, and to advertise this way in the ad...IF this is what Ann would be interested in. If the only thing holding her back is how she would feel seeing you with another woman, then don't do that part. A level of soft swing is to have sex in the same room as another couple, and only have sexual contact with your own spouse. If this feels safe for Ann, and a turn-on as well, you might want to re-write your ad to reflect this. There are other couples out there who are only interested in this as well.

For many women, talking and fantasizing about swinging, threesomes, etc is fun for a turn-on, but not desired as reality. LOTS of fantasies are fun as fantasies, and not all fantasies are meant to become real. Not all people want to swing in real life (in fact, the majority). You may need to accept that Ann is one of these people.

The only way to know if changing direction (MFM? Soft-swing only?) will be appealing to Ann, as well as acceptable and comfortable for her to pursue, is to TALK, a lot. Let her know that it's all in her court, and that no matter what, you'll accept her choice.

Above all, a wife wants and needs to know that no matter what, you're not leaving her and you love her above all else.

Originally Posted by Harold_N_Ann

Were you initially reluctant or resistant to swinging?

Yes, and no. I, the wife, was actually the one who brought it up in the first place (probably not the norm). However, we both were cautious going into the reality of it, and we took our time. Like most people, we were concerned how this would affect our marriage. It's a big step. Once the line was crossed and the deed was done, you can't take it back. We didn't want it to be disastrous. So, we took small steps. This worked for us.

Originally Posted by Harold_N_Ann

What was the thing which was most important in your decision to actually take the step to be with another man and watch your hisband with another woman?

The most important thing was reassurance that no matter what happened, no matter how we felt about it after the deed was done (you never know the outcome until you try), we wouldn't hold a grudge over each other. If we were offended in some way, we would be completely forgiving. If need be, we'd leave swinging behind us if the attempt was disastrous, and happily move forward the way we had been before. If it was disastrous for only one of us, the other would completely respect the wishes of the other to stop and not go back. No whining or nagging allowed. No regrets. Our relationship would be #1, no matter what. If it wasn't good for one of us, it wasn't good for either of us. This gave us the assurance needed to give it a shot.

Originally Posted by Harold_N_Ann

Also, are there any out there who have negative things to say about swinging? I really would like to consider all points of view.

Swinging isn't a piece of cake or a walk in the park. Especially when it's still new for the couple, the first several attempts often have something about them that's not quite right. Things have to be ironed out, one attempt at a time. It's best to talk a lot after every encounter - this is how a couple learns which of the many different styles of swinging work best for them as a couple. There are so many options, and you simply don't know what works and what doesn't, until you experience it. One example: same room or separate rooms? Different couples have very different experiences with each. There are preferences to work out. There are many things to work out, actually -- yes, it's work. It's all about getting very tuned-in with your spouse and communicating everything. Swinging is seldom what you fantasize it will be, because there are numerous different personalities involved, and the other people have their own ideas about it (including your own mate). If you understand and accept this going in, if you're flexible, you're a better candidate for swinging.

Let us know how it goes.

[Tia Vampire]

We were both curious and i also wanted to see if we could handle watching each other with other people. Most importantly though is the fact that he wants sex 24/7 and i'm not into doing it that much. i'm good with once a week. I felt if we came to an agreement of him being able to get it as often as he wanted with my permission, less work for me. Sorry to sound so cold, but that is the way i feel for real. I love sex with him when we have missed each other for a while. The sex is just so much better. So far so good. He may want it more than what he's getting it, but the life-style seems to have fixed that part of our sex lives. We have fun when we're out and have met alot of coll people. So no complaints hare.

[deanncat]

Hi Harold, I'm probably on the same page as your wife, my husband brought up swinging for he most part, we went from the idea of bringing just one women in the picture and me saying no, absultly not,( and then him dropping the subject ) and then like probably a 6 months to a 1 year not talking about it at all, we get on the computer together sometimes and we came across this swingers board, I laughed alot and it seemed like just joking around and then when I started reading some of the thread, it became something that we talked about and made are sex like much better, and then it was talking like we could really do this, if he with another women and i'm with another man in the same room its all mutual, he has also said that he would like to see with MFM, so we have had alot of fantasy about it and alof of fun talks and better sex lives, he doesn't push and he knows i'm nervous about actually swinging lives, we have talked to a few people on the SLS site and we havn't actually made any meeting yet, sence he doesn't push I know that when we get to that moment I will be nervous but I see it being fun in the end and its like everybody else talk alot about and don't push, joke, fantasy and have fun, and if she wants to do it she will. Plus be ok with it if she doesn't, I know if this stays a fantasy my husband will be ok with it, and if it becomes something we decide we want to follow threw with, that will be good too, and if we only do it once he will be ok with that. So just be patience and reading the thread to together will be good as well.

[nurse2862]

I am very much a novice in alot of these areas, but I feel like I need to reply about how wives decide(or at least me) to swing.
I met my husband after 3 years of no sex, 2 years of being a widow and I needed sex!! He was without a doubt fantastic!! We clicked immediately and talked of our life together. I wanted very much to please him and guess what.....he knew that. His big fantasy was having me join him with another woman who guess what.....was an old fuck buddy!!!! No way!!! More of a no way when I figured out that he had lied to me one week-end and took this woman to meet another one of his fuck buddies and they had their FMF without me. All the while trying to get me to try it. And even trying to get this other woman who wanted a life with him to meet me. She would have nothing to do with this as he was very open with her that he wanted me as his wife, not her.
Skip ahead....I agree to try it....meet a couple that I was not in the least bit attracted to from an internet site. Nice couple but the wife was not into it at all. She couldn't get turned on, layed there, almost bit my husbands dick off during oral, sucked on my nipples so hard I had to make her stop. Now her husband was another thing. He was turned on all night. My husband stood beside the bed stroking hisself while this man fucked me and then fucked me hisself. Good night for me. My husband was so turned on it was unbelievable.
Next his pushed for a FMF and meets this woman on the internet site again. Ok, we meet. No attraction, nice woman. But you know what......I got left out and watched him with her and was not pleased or taken care of. He was very happy and wanted this to continue. I will not.
Now, I know you're all thinking....DUMB, STUPID, SELFISH....ETC.... During all this time and still today he is on that damn web site trying to get me to agree to this. He HIDES what he does, who he contacts, e-mails, even having cybersex with single women who know he is married(my pic is the only one on the site).
So, here is my point...(finally)...Be HONEST!!!!!!!!!!!! Let your wife join in on the decision and let her pick. If you are in the room with 2 females, include both and see to all's pleasure. NEVER LIE ABOUT YOUR TRUE FEELINGS!!!!
I am incredibly orgasimic, erotic, willing to try ALL things with sex. I want sex more than he does and even take care of myself when he's not interested. All the time he is carousing on that web site like it's the last thing on earth. RUINED IT FOR ME!!!!!!!!!! Honesty doesn't work with him. He just thinks of hisself and therefore my decision to try swinging was a big disappointment for me.
I still read all there is hoping that one day a light will come on for me and I won't give a damn and try it again. I hanging in limbo for now until something else happen.
If you are both honest and open with each other I'm sure it will be fabulous. I think it could have for me....but it didn't. GOOD LUCK

[Chicup]

Harold hasn't posted since 2004.

Better late than never with the replies of course

Maybe he has this thread on email notification and can tell us how its worked out.